Toddler Issues: Running in Street & Sharing

buy her a harness
my son runs for the street as soon as we let his hand go (sometimes)
he is 19 months and does not understand the concept of traffic.

I bought him a soft teddy bear buddy backpack type harness for my baby sitter who cannot chase/catch him.

it may seem extreme but it beats a trip to hospital or worse.

re: sharing
it's tough but once she actually does share make a big deal and praise her so she'll want to do it more often

Hi K.,

The sharing is not something that you can teach her. She isn't doing this because she is "bad" or because of her personality. It is normal, age appropriate behavior. A 1 1/2 year old can't understand if someone else takes their toy that they will get it back. When your daughter is 4 and her sister is 2, her sister will behave in the same way. Sharing comes as natural progression of maturity. When they are 4 and 6, they will be able to play together nicely.

As for the running into the street, I think that too many parents try to explain and justify and give too many choices. At her age, I would give no warning and simply scoop her up and firmly carry her inside and shut the door. You do not owe her an explanation. You are the authority and if you decide it's time to come in, she has no choice unless you give her one. When she is older, like 3, you can give a five minute, one minute, warning but at 1 1/2, she does not know what a minute is and if you do something like set a timer, when it goes off, she will simply run. She is too young to be reasoned with and it's just not necessary. Listening and obeying come with maturity as well, they are not skills that you teach.

Hi K.,
At 21 months, a toddler is seeking independence, yet, their is that lack of impulse control. Even once a young toddler seems to understand that running in the street may be dangerous (because he's heard it 20 times over that past couple of months), it will be a while longer that he will have the control to stop himself. You must carry through...and safety should come first.

These skills are learned and it takes many, many months of repeated instruction from the caregiver.

Remember that toddlers have short attention spans. Some have more difficult temperaments. Many parents feel inadequate when trying to discipline a toddler that is more "spirited".

Give your toddler positive attention when you are happy with his behavior. For example, "We looked at the book together."
*Do this at least a few times a day!

On the other hand, use positive discipline, too. When a child was in the swing at the playground and it was time to go, I would tell the parent to use the 3 minute warning. Then, after a few minutes, it was up to the parent to walk the toddler to the car. Most toddlers would scream! It's ok. Explain that it's time to go home. So, pick up your toddler and keep walking.

Think of it this way, when you leave your driveway, your toddler must be buckled. You can say, "When you are buckled, we can go see Daddy." So, when it's time to leave the park (or backyard), assist your child.

Use the above example as a teachable moment: "When I pick you up (from the swing) - we will go home and eat that delicious watermelon..."

Sharing is a bit the same, it takes alot of role modeling. When I work with a group of parents, I will instruct them to say the following, "I know you have the blue truck. Now, it's time for Jimmy to play with it. I will help you pass it to Jimmy." (Some parents think the word "share" is too hard for their child to grasp). Whatever word you choose, be consistent with the word or phrase.

A (YOUNG) toddler is thinking, "I own that truck and all the trucks here."

Offer a short explanation when disciplining. It takes a toddler a long time to comply or share. Be kind, firm and loving! And, know that it "seems" like a long time before your hard work pays off.

Most toddlers are happiest when they are on the go, until you come forth with some healthy limits!

Healthy discipline is well worth it as children get older...

Warmly,
Kristen
Parent Educator

those two issues will resolve each other in time. Toddlers that age do not like to share because they do not understand that if they give another child a toy to play with it is still theirs and will come back to them. They just think that you have given it to another child and it hurts her feelings. They do in time, but you have to be patient. We fould that our son was willing to share when he got to be about 3 and a half.

About running in the street, that is also something that she will grow out of. My son was willfull too like that, and we had to take him in kicking and screaming when he was littler when he was not ready to come in and I was. We built a small fenced in area, and he played in there until he was about 3 and a half. If you cannot do that, maybe plantings at the edge of the driveway. If that does not work, perhaps you can inlist the help of a neighbor, or a nieghbor's child to stop her or take her hand while you approach her. I would say if you get in the habit of giving her a little something that might help, but I would not want to start bribing my child to mind mommy. That could blow up in your face. If she learns to open the door, you should definately put a chain lock at the top of the door. She will also grow out of this. I totally understand the need to keep her safe and I wish you the best.

Hi K.,

I can totally relate to your problem. Last summer I had my second daughter and my girls are 21 months apart. It is stressful because you want the kids to play outside but you also want to ensure they are safe. Myoldest had a habit of running down our driveway too, I was 9 months pregnant running after her. This was not going to work, so I asked my husband to get a gate. We had a fence made (and my husband put wheels, that lock, on the bottom so we can move the fence when needed. That was my saving grace, My daughter was able to play outside in the yard and could not run down the driveway. We take the fence out each spring and it stays out until winter. We had it custom made to fit the measurements of our driveway (which is long and wide). As for the wanting to come inside, no toddler wants to leave their world of exploration to go inside. However with a younger one, I sometimes had to so I explained to my older one that I had to sometimes go inside for the baby and that I needed her help. I enlisted my daughter in helping as much as possible (helped to reduce the jealousy). I always told her we would come back outside and she started to agree. After awhile she came in when I asked, knowing she would be allowed out again later.

As for sharing, toddlers do not share. We try to teach them but they just don't get it. WE battle this everyday. My little one picks up a toy and the older one takes it away. The best was we had a playdate with a friends daughter and she is in that not sharing stage, well mine got a taste of her own medicine and now I remind her of that time and she gladly shares. Sharing just takes time and repetition. Getting the older one out with other children helps. Try a mommy and me class, I go to JW tumbles in Rye Brook, they calss is great, kids are active but also teaches sharing.

Good luck and keep with it. It will eventually come. Enjoy your children, it is such a nice age difference. I see that now, last summer I was like what am I doing having them so close but it really is nice to see how they interact and love each other.

Hi K.,
I haven't quite hit either of these stages with my daughter, but here's my advice. First, I believe in natural consequences. Since the natural consequence of running into the road is getting hit, then that WONT work, of course. However, what you can do is calmly and quiety, get your daughter. Do not show anger, do not yell...I believe part of the reason she does it is because she gets a rise out of you. So, with great self control, kneel down in front of her and tell her... Mommy told you it was time to go inside. You didn't listen to me. Because you didn't listen to me, we're going inside for a 2 minute time-out. Then, ENFORCE IT! You have to let her know you mean business. So, you may have to keep dragging her back to the time out area (suggestion: don't make it her room. pick a neutral place, and a place she can't run out and away easily. You have to be able to control the situation). Then, next time you are going to go outside to play. You, again, have to get down on her level (kneel), look her in the eye and tell her the rules for going outside. Where she is or isn't allowed to play, and that running away into the streets is unacceptable. If she does it again, catch her and do a time out. Let her know it was because she ran away from you AND because she ran in the street. No second chances, follow it up with action immediately. It'll probably be exhausting and emotionally hard. But, it is already. So, maybe this will help change things?

2. My daughter is now just getting into "mine" for everything. 2 things I am doing is 1) catching her in the moment when she shares. She doesn't even know she's doing it, but she does it and I say, "oh, how nice that you shared with mommy!! That made me so happy. It is so much fun to share." 2) I find ways to share. If we're playing with the magnets on the frige and pulling them out of a canister, I'll say "on for you, and one for mommy, one for you, and one for mommy." Stuff like that. It just reinforces the concept.

Toddlerhood is hard, huh?!! This is the hardest phase I've faced since the up-all-night infancy!!

K.,
I know what you mean with a little one who does not want to come inside. My son who will be 3 next month would stay outside all day everyday if we allowed it!! We have found with him if you give him time limits before we are ready to have him come inside he seems to come in alittle easier. We give him and the other kids a 15 minute warning tthat they have 15 more minutes to lpay and then we will be going inside, then we give a 10 minute warning, a 5 minute warning, a 2 minute warning and then we tell them ut is time to go inside. If they do not come in when told we have naughty stop (time out) that they have to sit it for not listening. My almost 3 year old also likes to throw rocks out of our driveway into the puddle after it has rained, he does it everytime we go in or out of the house so we have found that if we tell him he can throw 2 rocks he come inside ro get sin the car w/o any problems most of the time..

As far as the sharing try role playing w/ her. Encourage her to givew you a toy she is playing w/ by askng her for it and if you have atoy that she wants encourage her to use her words and ask for it, also dont always give it to her when she does use her words, we tell our kids (I have 5), I am using it right not, when I am done I will give it to you to use. Hope these suggestions work. The not sharing can be so frustrating!

Hi-
I think your daughter is a little young to be playing outside where she can run into the street. She is not even two yet. Some three year olds don't listen when you tell them to stop, never mind a 21 month old. I think it's a dangerous situation, and a child that young should be under constant supervision and well within reach.

Mindy T. is absolutely 100% correct.

A.

Wow, you have gotten some really great advice. I have the same problem so I sympathize with you. My 22 month old does the same thing and actually got into the street. I resorted to keeping her strapped in a stroller now when we are in the front and my older ones are playing outside b/c I just don't trust her and they are too young to understand they are doing something really dangerous, to them it is a game. But, she does know she is in her stroller b/c she ran in the street and her privelege of running free does not exist right now. Eventually, I will take her out and see what she does. I actually purchased one of those kid leashes, but don't have the heart to use it. As for sharing I think this age is too young for them to understand how to share, they are very territorial at this age. Good luck to you.

Wow, K....you have some things going with your daughter!

The most serious one is the running into the street -- at 21 months, she may not understand that it's not a game when you are chasing her. I used to have that problem with my son, who is now 9 years old, when he was that little. As much we hated to do it, we actually had to punish him (not seriously - I'm talking things like time outs,, etc.) when he would not listen and tried to run into the street. It does not make you a bad mother to enforce something with your child -- especially when she is doing something that is very, very dangerous. You need to impress upon her that running away from Mommy and into the street is REALLY NOT GOOD -- you might try setting some limits, but I don't know if that will work when she is caught up with running from you because she doesn't want to go inside. Be prepared for struggles and arguments and tantrums -- but for her own safety, ENFORCE what you expect!

Re the second issue, in my experience, 21 months is a little young to expect a child to understand the concept of "sharing." Some of them don't "get it" until they are 3 or even 4 years old. Psychologically speaking, most children don't actually play "together" until they are quite a bit older than your daughter -- they might play side by side, but that is far different from playing "with" another pserson, and they don't actually interact much at that age, so when another kid wants to play with a toy she considers hers, she's bound to get upset. All those concepts, sharing and playing together come as children become more emotionally mature.

As she gets older she will come to understand that she should share, but even then she might not do it gracefully with her little sister when they are very young. She will eventually get it and they will have no problem being close even if they don't always share. However, expecting them to play well at all times when they are old enough to play together is a very tall order, and actually kind of unrealistic -- and it probably won't happen. You're going to have to break up fights or listen to tantrums when one takes the other's toy no matter what, but that doesn't mean they won't love each other or be close as they grow up. You are expecting a lot from a child who isn't even two years old yet -- let her get to those points of maturity in her own time.

I hope this helps you somewhat -- my advice is to just relax and these things will come with maturity.

S. :)

Hi K.,

Not sharing well at your daughter's age is, unfortunately, quite normal. You can try having her put away whichever toys she doesn't want to share before a friend comes over to play or taking away (temp.) any toys that she fights over.

As for the running into the street...I would take a VERY hard approach. I can't imagine anything more devastating than losing a child, especially if you're standing right there watching it happen. You need to make it clear to her that until she obeys the "stop" command ALL THE TIME she may not run free in the yard at all. Keep hold of her hand, put her in a fenced-in play yard, get one of those awful toddler "leashes"...do whatever you must until she learns how serious you are about her safety. If doing so is an option, you may want to consider putting up a fence with a locking gate.

Your number one concern is your baby's safety. However harsh or extreme you need to be - do it. (I don't mean hitting your child, of course.)

Good luck!

T. (mom to a 3 1/2 year old boy)

Cheers to you for realizing that you need to get a handle on these behaviors. Many other mothers out there just see it as a phase and ignor the behaviors. Now is the time to get into a good routine, not when they are older and the problem just gets worse.
I have found that giving my son (only child, 4 years old) a time warning works well. Usually, I give a 5 minute, then a 3 minute, then a 1 minute time, so that he knows that the time to leave (go inside) is getting closer. My first time-left warning is said while holding his hands and looking at him in the eye, so I know that the message is clear. I also suggest things that he might like to do before his time is up. I.E. two more times down the slide, ride your bike up and down the sidewalk... This usually works. If I get the sense that he is going to run when the time runs out, then I get closer to where he is playing before I say that time is up, and hold his hand before he can run away. Sometimes, he has to leave to go inside while screaming and pleading for more time, but I don't give in. When time is up, time is up.

Now, for sharing. As I said, my son is an only child. He has had a difficult time with sharing. My husband and I have taken turns doing mini lessons on sharing. We'll play with Conner's cars or trucks, side by side with him. Then, we offer to give him the truck that we have and say that he can play with it for a little while and then we want it back. After that has happened, then we ask to borrow the truck that he is using, again stating that we will only use it for while and then give it back. Initially, this step was harder for him to handle and he resisted. We only used his truck for a few seconds at first. Then, on other days, we would use it for a minute and then increasingly longer. He got better about sharing with us, then then was able to share with children.

I hope this helps!

We're dealing with some very similar issues with my 19 month old right now. Thankfully, I'm still faster than she is and our driveway is a very steep climb UPhill to get to the street. When it comes to dangerous things, like running away, it seems like doing something that makes her SCREAM is the best way for her to learn that she can't run away. (ie - snatching her and FIRMLY telling her that she cannot run away from mommy.) That is usually followed by a time out in her room, and several reminders that she can't run away from Mommy.

As for sharing, again, it's kind of a screaming situation for us. (But then, my daughter screams at a lot of things! She's got the lungs in the family.) If another baby is playing with a toy and she tries to take it, the toy is returned to the original kid and she gets to sit in my lap (usually, again, screaming), until she can come up with something else to do or play with.

I'm coming off like an awful parent, but baby and I are both really stubborn and there's another on the way. We're kind of crash-coursing it, preparing for the little one that will take so much of my attention and arm power in a few months!

Hi, K.!

What great tips you've gotten so far! Yes, it is important to be sure your chid knows you are in charge. This is comforting to a child to know mama has it all under control and can keep her safe. I think it is never too early to give a child the 5, 3, 1 minute cues. They may not get it at first but with repetition and consistency of follow-through, she will soon understand that her time to play is almost over. The timer is also a great idea. It is a wonderful visual cue for young children, making time a little more concrete for them. I used one all the time in my classroom. There is a wonderful timer that is very visual - when you set it, the time remaining shows as a red section on the face of the timer like on a pie chart and as the time passes, the pie slice gets smaller and smaller. Here is a link to their website. http://www.timetimer.com/

Is it possible to fence your back yard? We are currently looking for a new home and we are hoping for a fenced yard for our 15 month old son. If we buy a place without a fenced yard, that will be the first improvemnt we make. Duncan hates coming in from outside too! He is still walking his wobbly Charlie Chaplin walk so he is fairly easy to catch at the moment but not for long, I'm sure and we are trying fro baby #2 ourselves. Heeheehee...I guess after a Central New York winter cooped up in the house I can't blame him one bit.

And she is too young to share but like the earlier advice, it's great to praise her when she does. She should definitely have her special things that she shouldn't have to share and she can tell you what those things are or at this stage, you really know what those are (special lovies or a gift from Grandma, etc.). These are things that can be put away before playdates. Her sister will also have special things that should not be shared and they will learn to respect these boundries which is a good starting point for learning to respect each other.

Good luck and let us know how things go!

S.

K.,

Christina gave you some great advice. It is so important that you establish your dominance now, while she is still so young. I know that for me personally this is a very hard age to handle because they are still so cute, and when they run away it is like a game. The bottom line is we have to teach them to listen now. You are right to be worried about her being hit by a car.

I don't have any great ideas. I always just pick up my kids and bring them in if they are being resistant. I wouldn't be bribing my 21 month old...bribery just helps them learn to manipulate you, which they can figure out enough of on their own, don't give them fuel for the fire!

I guess if you have a busy road I would definitely consider getting one of those driveway fences/gates that you can put out during play time. It would serve as an excellent barrier between your daughter and the road, and maybe slow her down if she is running away from you. Another other option if you know she is going to run would be to walk to the end of the driveway, tell her it is time to go in, and then herd her toward the house. Let her run away from you...towards the house. I guess it would be worth a try.

I remember how hard it is to deal with a little baby and a toddler. Is part of your concern that you are trying to carry the baby in and you need the toddler to walk? If so, how about a double stroller, or the baby in a sling or carrier, so that you are hands free to snatch up your little runaway.

You're doing a great job...this is probably one of the hardest ages, when they are running all over the place. Oh, one last thing...if you have a timer, you can set the timer and when it rings, time to go in. She may be a little young to understand this, but I have a dinner bell that hangs from my front porch and my kids know when I ring it that they have to come in...and boy do they come running! I know it is corny, but it was always this little dream of mine...it makes me happy to ring that little bell!

D.
mom to 5 precious children who constantly keep me on the go

Hell K. B,

You are certainly blessed with a child full of energy. It is very important that you do not chase her as you don't want any thing to happen to her. Little children need to learn first to listen to you the mother so she will be mindful as she grow older. With your guiding her and protecting her you make her enviroment safe at all time.

What ever it take to teach you little one to be mindful of you. You should take all measures to keep your little on safe.

Best of luck,

A.

First of all you are bigger than she is and you are in charge...so with that, pick her up and take her inside(don't put her down till you're inside)...there is no sense in trying to reason with her and don't make it a big deal by chasing her...she has no choice. As she gets older give her warnings...in 5 minutes we are going to go...or go down the slide 2 more times and then we have to leave...I usually give my kids a 5,3 and 1 minute warning(not angry...just to prepare them that the end is near)...also as she gets older my favorite thing to use is "do you like to play at the park?" and they say "yes" and then I tell them "well if you don't leave nicely when it's time to go, we won't be able to come back,"...this always works for me, but 21 months is a little young to reason, just take charge...you are setting ground for the rest of your relationship.

about the whole sharing thing, 21 months is a little young to share so don't get upset when they don't but praise when they do...you can practice and remind and prepare for playdates...your friend is coming over to play with you and your toys and when we go there you get to play with their toys kind of thing...also most things are to be shared but not everything! There are special things that should never be made to be shared(the comfort/sleep things) and I let my kids use their birthday toys first and or by themselves for the birthday but then they are required to share(most of the times they share now on their own it just takes time)...having a young toddler and baby is perfect practice...you can share books and toys from the baby with the toddler, also share your stuff to help instill these habits, but again...don't be bothered by it when she doesn't want to...up untill recently she never had to share(you or things) it just takes practice!