Toddler Refuses to Sleep Alone and Gets Violent When We Let Him Cry

I personally do not see any harm in staying with the child until he's asleep. I actually did this with all of my children until they were ready to listen to relaxing music to help them fall asleep. My kids were anywhere from 5-7 before they could fall asleep to music. I was ok staying with them though, it didn't bother me...if it bothers you to stay with him then maybe there are other options for you. I have a tendency to feel paranoid if I wait too long to fall asleep, even as an adult so I sympathized with my kids. Dark can be really scary to some kids. Having the door shut absolutely terrified me as a child. I never saw the point in making my children suffer through the trauma of being scared to fall asleep. It took years for each child but I don't have any regrets the way I did it. I don't think I damaged them. And I'm sorry but at his age, he is not "playing you" this is not a power struggle...he's 2 yrs old! lol. There is nothing to nip in the bud. He's truly afraid. I don't think a 2 year old can rationally decide, "hmmm I think I want to control my mom."

It is such a hard thing to be missing sleep. Especially when it is with a toddler and not a new infant. My son did something similar to this when we moved 6 months ago. I read a wonderful book called 1,2,3, magic. I really think it might help right now. It does sound like a power struggle to me that began with a real fear. Tough situation. I wish you the best of luck. Definitely read the book. It talks specifically about room destroyers and how to handle them. You are doing the best you can and keep up the good work. :)

This is so awful for you. Sounds like he is messing with you.
Everyone says, If you let them cry itout, they will eventually fall asleep.
But, my sister had a similar problem, just not as extream.
Her son (at that time was 2 1/2 years old) would not let her leave the room until he fell asleep. It took some time (a month)but, she inched her way out of the room over time. When she started, she would stand a foot away from his crib, then a few more feet (I think it was a week for each one. She was finally able to stand at the door until he fell asleep, then she would stand outside of the door. He son would say "MOM?"
And she would say "I'm here honey" that seemed to be enough.
Finally, she simply puts him in bed, reads a few books, and then she is out the door.
Yes, he cried. But after a while he was ok with her just standing at the doorway.
Hope this helps!
Good luck

I feel so exhausted and frustrated for you as i read your post. There was one questions that came to me as i read it, are you pregnant? Is it possible that you may be? Usually children can tell before we can - wierd instict. When they sence that they can become a bit hard to deal with becuase they get jealous.

If your not and he is just having tantrums...thats a tough one. if you have the energy (and the space) when he throws his stuff, take it out of the room and let him know that he seems to not like these things so you will get rid of them for him. even if that means taking ALL his toys out of the room. put them in storage where he doenst know they exist till he can stop the tantrums. The less he has to toss around, the less he will do it. let him kick the door and bang on it, let him scream - even if its more than 2 hours. even if it breaks your heart to hear it and really gets on your nerves, you need to gain control of this young man or you will be having it much WORSE as he gets older and just think about that when he gets to his teen years if this continues. You and your husband have to agree to APPEAR that his tirades dont bother AND that you dont hear them or see them. If he comes out of his room screaming, calmly take him back to his bed and lay him down until he stops and falls asleep. do NOT acknowlege his tirade (he just wants the attention) act like it doesnt even exist - just take him back to his bed, say good night and close his door and walk away. if he starts throwing himself on the floor, watch his movements when he gets ready to do that and trick him, pick him up and lay him on the floor BEFORE he does it - belive it or not, he will be confused and stop. i've done it, it works. my dad did that to me as well - it worked. which is why i suggest you take out the things he throws as soon as he throws it.

Even if your wanting to tear your head's off when he does these things, be patient and calm infront of him and within his hearing range. It's a very difficult thing to deal with, being a parent is not easy.

What ever you decide. Don't give in to letting him sleep with you. That will be worse.

My Son didn't want to sleep in his room alone so we had a sister sleep in his room for about a week. Then we said see you can do it. It's not scary, there is nothing in their to scare you. He would tell me the things that would scare him, I said okay then we need to throw it out, but he didn't want to throw out his toys. So now he knows what it is and doesn't think about it.

It does sound like he is playing you, so you just have to play back. Get meaner and tougher. If he cries for 15 min you go in their and take his favorite toy away, he won't be getting it back until he sleeps in his bed without the tantrum, if he cries another 15 min you go take another toy and so on. Be prepared for him to screem louder with every toy you take. After you have 3 or 4 toys, talk to him and tell him that if he want's his toys back then he'll stop this game and go to sleep now. Let him pick the one toy he wants back, give it to him and tell him now no more crying or I come back and take it and another and you won't get any of them back until you stop this crying at bed time. If he sleeps all night without getting up then tomorrow give him one toy back if he sleeps the next night give him another. But if he tries this game the next night start this all over again. If it takes a few nights that's okay you just get meaner each night. Don't let him win.

Remember this: If he is smart enough to play you this way, and they are at 1 years old. Then he is old enough to understand I don't get what I want this way so I'll stop. Be prepared for this to happen all through his life. Not the sleeping thing but the testing you thing. Every couple years. You only have to be mean for a few nights or days then they give up until they hit 11/12 then it's a little more trying, but stick to your guns. Don't Let Them Win or they will rule you. Praise him when he does well and after a week of him sleeping in his bed everynight do something special for him. A treat to McDonalds, Ice cream, Slurpy at 7/11, or go to the park. Rewards for good behavior is always a good thing, just don't reward on the first night make sure they are sticking to it first or they think they won. Good Luck! JP

Wow, I feel as if I'm reading my own biography. My son started this kind of behavior a little after he turned 3. It was months and months... he had been sick, so we were a little lenient with letting him sleep in our bed, etc. He claimed he was afraid of his room, and that there were shadows, and all kinds of stuff. To ease his fear of shadows, I told him the shadow was a train, and it was taking care of him. We talked to it every night, and after awhile, he just stopped needing to do that. But, he would still wake up and freak out, and not go back to sleep until he was in our bed. I tried the mattress on the floor thing, too, but that was of no use. I also tried letting him work it out on his own, and he was doing the same kinds of violent things-- slamming doors, throwing stuff, throwing himself off the bed, and all kinds of other junk, and we were worried he would wake his sister.

One weekend, my husband went out of town and I just decided I'd had enough. I laid with him until he fell asleep (which, honestly, I still do sometimes) but when he woke up, I tried the "Ferber" method with him. It took 3 nights, but it worked. He rarely wakes up in the middle of the night anymore, and when he does, I just have to go give him a kiss and a hug and he goes back to sleep. Sometimes it takes him a little longer than other times, but eventually he goes to sleep on his own.

Last night was the first night in months that my son actually fell asleep without me in his room, but it was a battle to get that done. He wants me to be in the hallway, so i just tell him that I'm in the hall, and whisper to him if he talks to me, and he seems to buy that. Sometimes I'm not really in the hall, but I just run there quickly and whisper to him to go to sleep.

I hope that helps a little bit. I totally, totally, totally know how you fee. It's so frustrating-- you are all sleep deprived, and you are cranky, and irritated, and you snap when you don't want to, and it's just awful. It's a phase, though-- a learned behavior-- and just know that it will pass.

Good luck!

When we moved our 2 year old son to his new toddler bed in our new house it was really a struggle for us for the first week. He didn't want to be left alone, if he'd wake up in the middle of the night he'd scream and run into bed with us. And then we found two things that really work for us. We got an MP3 CD player and put a ton of classical and some "new age" soothing music on a CD and set the CD player to shuffle with the music very, very soft. It really calms him down and we just have it play through the night. We also play it during nap time. The second thing was a night light that changes colors, we'll sit there for 5-10 minutes after the bed time routine and watch it change colors with him. The first few nights we stayed until he was completely asleep, and then each night we started leaving earlier and earlier after turning the lights out. We always tell him where we are going and if he needs anything just to come. I hope that some of this helps you! Good luck

About me: a working mom with a beautiful 2 year old son.

Hey A. T,

it would seems like your son is playing you both, it is bad though that he already knows how the game is played. However, he has figured out your weakness, do not give in to him. Let him scream all he wants, but warn him in a stern voice that he needs to go to bed and you don't want to hear a peek out of him. Don't let him play you. When he gets up in the middle of the night both of you guide him right back to bed and leave him there.

I am a 54 year old mother of 4 and grandmother of 6. We let our kids and now our grandkids sleep with us as long as they wanted. We believed that they NEEDED to be able to reach across a bed and feel for us at night. And just as breastfeeding is much easier than formula feeding.....we had no tantrums or frustrations at bedtime. I had friends who were constantly at their wits' end about this but it was never a problem for us. And in the romance department, we still managed to be intimate far more frequently than my friends who were guarding their space. We were just more creative and had to put a bit more effort into it but we have said many times that we would not have changed THAT for the world either. We think it HELPED our relationship.

There are some good books on the topic and I would be happy to talk with you about this or any other parenting topic.

I am no psychologist but I have been in the birthing field for more than 30 years (I teach midwives and founded The Trust Birth Initiative.)

My heart went out to you because I remember how frustrated we were in those first months when we wanted out baby to be with us but the experts warned us not to. we moved to a really small house and actually gave our baby the only available bedroom and we slept on the floor....not in his room but the living room.....trying to be the kind of parents others told us to be....then.....one night I decided that I was not getting up off that floor one more time to go attend my crying baby...if we were what he wanted....we were what he was getting.......And my kids are wonderful adults who nurture their kids the same way we did, pretty much. We proved the experts wrong....we did not squash our kids, our warp our kids, we did not have demanding kids, and there was never a sense of them winning some kind of power struggle. It was a this works for all of us kind of attitude.

Please don't think I am trying to tell you what you should do.....but just my experience from a used mom to a new one.....

C.

Wow! Some of these responses are a bit harsh. You're doing the best you can and you should continue to do so. Perhaps you can find a compromise. About a year ago, my daughter watched Home Alone and became afraid to go to bed for fear we'd leave her and wanted us in her room with her. We held our own and assured her we wouldn't do so. We ended up compromising: we don't close her door all the way so she can hear us, and leave the light on in the hallway. This seemed to be enough for her to know we were close by. it may be too late for your son, perhaps you should try a distraction at bed time - all of my kids listened to story tapes or sleepy music at bedtime. And, I know some kids watch TV to fall asleep, although I don't like that idea. Maybe try a punishment, tell him you understand his feelings, but he needs to sleep in his bed and give him a choice - "If you don't sleep in your bed tonight, you will not be permitted to .... tomorrow" good luck!

I had the same problem with my now 5 year old when she was 18 months. The pediatrician said that kids start having nightmares at this age, so I decided not to force her to sleep on her own. I just brought her to our bed and my husband and I adjusted to having her sleep with us. I didn't feel as if she was manipulating us, I just felt that we should be there to comfort her when she needs us. Kids don't stay little forever, soon, this stage will be all over with.

Hey there,

Have hope. My son is the same age and is just now moving out of that stage. He is still waking up about once a week crying but he doesnt get out of bed anymore. I go to him, we say his prayer, leave his door open, and our door open and he goes back to sleep. It all started for us the same way too. My mom had come to visit and he got real used to her being here and then she left and his PERFECT 7pm bedtime was so messed up. I tried EVERYTHING. THe worst mistake I made was laying in the bed with him or bringing him into our bed when i was so exhausted. Just keep strong. They grow out of it. I ended up removing all the books and toys from his room so he wouldn't get out of bed and play and mess around then cry that he wanted out. So keep consistent. It WILL end!!!
Good Luck

Hi A., please understand that this is a very common problem. And many parents (and magazines and pediatricians and "super nannies" will advocate that you stick with CIO. Meanwhile there is the "reality." That so many, many young children and parents have this exact issue. And they have it for a reason. Please read this article, it explains my POV perfectly.
http://www.awareparenting.com/sleep.htm
Basically humans have evolved to need to sleep together. Especially infants. At night they are so afraid (predators?) and they need reassurance. Isn't it weird that SO MANY parents have the same struggle? Is it really "you"? Is it really him "manipulating" you? Nope. It's a biological need. (And that same author says all misbehavior is due to unmet needs - which I have found to be very true.) Some babies/young children do learn to sleep alone and do it "OK" but even in those cases, the child will realize, hey, I want this to be different and throw a fit (at age 3.5 say - hanging on to the doorknob for 2 hours at night with the parents "not giving in either). It's just totally crazy.
Anyway, here is how I've handled this issue with 2 children (8 year old boy and 3.5 yr old girl). Firstborn was completely unable to sleep alone as a newborn, so that's how we discovered co-sleeping. He was in our bed till he was 2. DH kicked him out at that point (fine) and he went to his own twin bed in his room. But I * knew * he still needed nighttime parenting/comfort. So my plan was to nurse him to sleep (if I wasn't nursing him - just lie next to him in the dark) and leave when he was asleep. Then I'd go back to my husband.
IMPORTANT - I discovered if I was angry with him (age 4-5) because he couldn't sleep, it would keep him up for an hour (9-10pm). It would drive me crazy. I realized he was picking up on my anger, stress and anxiety and it put HIM on "red alert" (hardly a relaxed state) and that's why he couldn't sleep.
BTW, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA does a great job of explaining the "green zone" and "red zone" at night. You need to get him to a relaxed state.
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/
Anyway, once I stopped stressing and just focused on lying next to him and NOT being mad at him, he fell asleep in 5 minutes. He needed to feel SAFE. If I was lying mad next to him, he wasn't feeling safe and could not relax.
Anyway, he would wake up crying, and I went back to him (2am - after having plenty of time with my husband in bed) and stayed there. I didn't want to sit up awake, waiting for him to sleep, I just slept. It was far easier for me. Around 5.5 yrs of age he stopped needing me to lie with him to sleep. I was thrilled.
My daughter was in our bed till age 1. Then we put her on a twin on the floor next to her brother's bed. (When he was 5 he insisted on lying on the other side of me not to feel left out - sure and that went on for a few months until we both realized "this doesn't feel good anymore.") When she wakes up at 3am, she quietly walks down the long hallway to our room and quietly knocks on the door. I always get up, walk her back to her room and lie next to her. (Compare and contrast that how other parents "fight" this with their children. For what? This stage doesn't last forever. Just roll with it.) DH can't sleep with the kids in the bed, so that option is out. They never beg. They know that I will lie next to them for the rest of the night and it's perfect for us. I have time for myself and my husband at night and we all get sleep and we all get our needs met for nighttime comfort.
Just an idea for you to consider.

I am no expert. I am 35 with one child who is 17 months. I just must say that you sound like you already know the answer to your problem. Bite the bullet and let him cry it out. It may take a few trecherous tries but he must learn who is running the show. Even at 17 months, my son is keen on manipulation. Whenever I tell him "no" he smiles and giggles, hoping that I change my mind. Break the cycle now before you end up on super nanny! I have similar problems, and am trying to take my own advice. Good luck mama!

Your right it is exhausting. My sons are now grown and have married friends who bring their children over when they BBQ and swim at my home. I noticed that the parents allow the kids to be on control. Its past 9pm and these kids are still up. When I ask these young couples in their mid 20's they repsond that its easier to let the baby have his way then to argue. My 26yr old son abd his wife had a baby two months ago and have alraedy started her on a bed time schedule to allow for mommy and daddy time. I did this when my sons were young and to this day they still get tired by 9 or 10 pm. I followed through as a single mon with this rule and had graduates with honors from high school, they loved not being tired from elemenatry school to high school and participated at THEIR wish in sports and extra curricular activites. Yes I was tired running around all day after working full time on an ambulance and training other medical persons. But I knew that I had set a good foundation for life for the boys, they are here for me now that I fight Breast Cancer, They always call me I don't have to call them. I never really had to discipline. Your son is making you choose between your husband and him. He is aware of what he is doing. By getting angry and frustrated shows him that he know how to get to you.
These are the formable years. Dont let him get away with it. Buy a monitor that shows you he is safe. If he wants to distroy his room and fall asleep in it still safe. Then let him learn how to start cleaning it up each new day and take away one privelege. If the tantrums continue have him evaluated by your physician. Keeping you in my prayers.

A two and a half year old has limited communication skills. He also does not process information, feelings, and emotions the way that an adult does. Something is upsetting him, and you as his parent need to find out what it is calmly and rationally. You may also want to check with your pediatrician about the symptoms and signs of night terrors. Perhaps it's best to rule out a serious medical situation before jumping to "my kid is manipulating me."

A child who is hit as discipline learns that hitting is acceptable. A child who is left to CIO learns that he can been abandoned. When he cries no one comes to comfort him. "Do unto others" includes your own child. Would you like to be hit? Would you like to sob and scream and have no one hold you and comfort you?

Good luck.

wow you have your hands full! Try taking everything out of his room, during the day and tell him that he will get it all back once he's a big boy and can sleep all by himself, just like he used to. Before you put him in bed put on his favorite show or cartoon,(one that will make him laugh)then pray together and put him to sleep, the cartoon will make him have happy dreams and the prayer will compfort him, I have 3 boys and my youngest has had hard times with sleep patterns also but once I started to let him watch something funny before he sleeps and prayed he sleeps all night, with no nightmares in fact he now laughs in his sleep, it's great!!
Good luck

It sounds like your son is taking advantage of you and your husband and he knows if he throws tantrums he will eventually get what he wants. While I am no means an expert in the area I do know that he should not be brought into your bed again and that when he screams to let him for 20 minutes or so then calmly go back in his room and get down to his level and ask him to use his words to let you know what is bothering him. Then acknowledge it and let him know mommy and daddy love him very much but that it is time to go to bed. Then tuck him in and leave the room. If he still fusses increase the time to maybe 40 minutes-go back in and do the same thing. This will establish a pattern that you are not bringing him into your bed and that he will have to fall asleep on his own.

I hope that helps-hang in there, and hopefully you will get some good sleep soon.

Hi A.!
When I read your message I thought "this is a story about my own experience" from about a 2 years ago. So, I wasn't alone afterall. The toughest times were during those very long months of our only son (now 4 1/2 years)who did the same thing "train table scenario, night terrors, going into our bed in middle of night, everything you said", so what did I do.
like yourself I was exhausted and working full time in outside sales (stressful enough)I couldn't cope any longer. This even put a huge damper on our relationship ( my husband and I) because of being sooooo tired and frustrated all the time from lack of sleep. I felt hopeless and only had advice like "let him cry for 2 weeks, he'll get used to it" but I just wouldn't have been able to do my job if I was up all night doing that.
I prayed about finding the right solution before hopping on a runaway train somewhere where no one could find me, I was so desperate. So first I got myself a mat to lay on next to his bed in his room to lay near to him, but not in his bed ( too small) and tell him stories. The idea was to give him peace of mind while in his own room, that he wasn't alone...therefore having a peaceful conscience and less likely to wake up scared in the middle of the night. I'd sometimes end up all night on the floor because I'd fall asleep from being so tired myself, but hey at least I was rested the next day. I did this routine for several weeks until he got used to being back in his own bed. I can't admit to being successfully eliminating the mat and telling him stories, but he stopped the waking up scared thing after a few days. When he did wake up and found himself alone, he'd call for mommy, I'd go back into his room and tell him I was just going potty. He'd go back to sleep in a minute. It's all in his mind, and as long as you give him reassurance that your there...I think the fears will go away.I hope you find the right solution for your situation through this website, because I didn't have anyone to ask. Good Luck and keep me informed and how it's going.
Empathetically yours,
R.

Wow! I do feel like you son is manipulating you on this one and yes, he's winning!

I know there will be a lot of people responding with there is nothing wrong with a 2 year old sleeping with his parents, but you have to do what is right for your family and remember that each one is different. That being said, if you really want to have separate sleeping then I'd take everything out of his room except the bed and linens. He would earn back his things each night he goes to bed as he is expected to. The only other thing I'd leave with him is a flashlight. We did this for our older daughter as a reward for going to bed so nicely. She was able to use her flashlight to "read" her story again after we left her room. She would "read" and then tuck the book and flashlight under her pillow when she was done. This gave her a sense of control and again she was pretty great about bedtime.
My other daughter does the opposite and manipulates the babysitters, so she gets "consequences" for this behavior the next day. It is a work in progress as we have to remind her with each babysitter but we are getting great results! Your son is not too little to learn to respect not only his parents but his belongings.
Well rested people are overall happier through out the day, God Bless!

This sounds like a normal two year old. Holding him in baby pose until he calms down might work nicely.

Hang in there sister!

we had the same problem with our kids at 3 years old. stand your ground and don't give in! If he throws something when in a tantrum, don't allow him to have it for a period of time explaining that if he wont respect the things you let him have in his room then he cant have them. Both of my kids were very hard to put to bed till I stood my ground for real. It took 1 night of absolute Hell. Screaming for like 2 hours but we did not go in to comfort them. Ever since then we have had no problems. right to bed at 9' o' clock. every night. they are now 8 and 11. Don't get discouraged it will happen, but not without consistency.
best of luck to you.
ps... look up supernanny on you-tube. Her bed time routine is really good and seems like it will work if you stick to it.

Hey A.,

I would just let him cry because it sounds like he is taking advantage of the both of you. This may sound strange but our kids will only get manipulative w/their parents & not others. My sister babysits my little kids while I'm at work. They usually don't give her a hard time w/anything; but when they come home. My 19mo old daughter gets crazy sometimes. She wants me to carry her all the time and doesn't want to listen sometimes. So, I just let her be, meaning if she wants me to carry her & I can't because I'm tending to my other children or trying to get dinner ready. If I'm busy at something else that needs my immediate attention, then I just let her cry and she eventually comes around. She knows I'm not doing that to hurt her. As for your child, just let him be. Let him cry his eyes out because he's going to continue doing that every single night if you keep rescuing him. I know an hour and a half is long but I bet it's not continuous. He probably sometimes stop for a minute or two to see if anyone's coming & starts back up again. Eventually, not overnight, his crying nights will come to an end. Hope this helps :)

Hello,

I do not have any great advice for you, I am sorry to say. I just felt like sending you a (((HUG))). So many times we go through things with our children wanting to find the remedy for what they are going through and we just can't. I've heard that sometimes kids don't want to go to bed because they fear the separation that comes at bedtime. Its dark, they are alone in their room, fears of bad dreams, fear of the dark, etc. Sometimes kids just can't or won't be talked out of what they fear. It is so difficult. I just want you to know that you are not alone. That even though you are going through this you are a GREAT mom! Hang in there, things will eventually get better.

B.

My daughter, 3, has been going through terrible anxiety at night and wants us to lay with her whenever she needs to sleep. Sometimes this can take 1.5 hours for her to fall asleep, even with one of us with her. After several months of this, she seems to be using this time to play, not settle down.

We've tried the crying it out and it works after a week, but if she gets sick and we lay with her to make her feel better, after she's not sick anymore, we had to do the crying it out all over again. Not fun.

I've resorted to bribery recently. If she goes to sleep without crying at night or during nap, when she wakes up she gets any type of treat she wants. Right now, that's gum. Ok, not bad. It's been working, but we've only done this a couple of nights. Maybe this will work for your little one.

I think it's great that you're willing to put his mattress next to your bed--even if he still cries, he knows that his parents are with him. Maybe you can stay with him on his mattress until he falls asleep, and then quietly move to your bed? Maybe the transition to sleep is scary for him, and he needs reassurance that you're there. Keep reminding yourself: This, too, shall pass!

I am the mother of four (ages: 6, 5, and twins who are 3.5 years). My husband and I want our bed to ourselves! So, I totally understand. The thing that helps us is we keep bedtime very consistant - watching only 30 minutes of Curious George, then brushing/flossing teeth, then one story - per child...I know it's a lot of reading, then lights out. Whenever I have to introduce something new or "special" or routine changes I make a book. The pictures are crude to say the least but it works. I put every step (one step per page) and draw stick figure (because I am no artist) that show what's happening. Use the childrens names because they love to hear about themselves! The books explain what's going to happen. The routine of bedtime - read the book during the day, not just at bedtime. This has worked for us! We've keep all our books and the kids love to hear them. I've done books on "Daddy goes to work and comes home", "Traveling on the airplane", "Mommy goes to the hospital to have the babies" to list just a few. So, create your outline:

Page 1) Playing just before it's time to "get ready for bed"
Page 2) Bath/PJ's for bed - describe the routine
Page 3) TV Time/Reading books (whatever you do just before getting into crib/bed)
Page 4) Getting into bed with favorite stuffed animal and you might try putting a picture of mommy and daddy on the wall where he can see (with a nite light) so if he's missing you he can see the photo
Page 5) He gets upset that Mommy leaves the room, mommy comes to check on him and gives one last hug and kiss goodnight. He sleeps in his bed/crip ALL night! What a big BOY!
Page 6) Picture of him sleeping All night and Mommy/Daddy checks on him
Page 7) It's wake up time! The sun is awake and Mommy and Daddy go into the bedroom where he is sleeping - everyone has smiles! Yeah! You stayed in your bed all night! We are so proud of you!

Just an idea for you to try! Good luck!
S.
Page 7) Mommy and Daddy go night night and sleep in their bed all night.

I think your son is testing his limits. If he did not do it with the babysitter, then he's just manipulating you. If you can, take everything out of his room except for his bed for a few nights. Once he gives in and stops with the tantrums, put things back in one at a time.

Your son is pulling the strings right now because you are letting him, but he's not doing it to be mean. My suggestion would be continue to sit with him when you put him to bed, but when he gets up in the night guide him right back to bed without saying anything and leave immediately, and ignore anything he does- throwing is pretty extreme, but he's not likely to hurt himself by doing it. Take anything out of his room ahead of time that you don't want broken. The first night or two will probably be pretty rough- you may have to take him back to his own bed twenty times or more. But after a few days it should taper off and dissapear. Then you can gently start weaning him off you sitting in his room to go to sleep. However, night terrors are a very real thing for kids this age, so if he does repeat the thing he did when your mother in law was there do sit with him and comfort him.

The throwing, specifically, sounds like it bothers you. He is doing it because it gets a reaction out of you, and at that point in the night he wants a reaction, regardless of whether it's possitive or negative. I would say in this case ignoring would be best and, as I said, move heavy or breakable things out of his room.

Final note: What is it with mothers-in-law screwing up our kids' sleeping habits? Mine always does, too.

Hi
First of all, as a response to some of the advice in here, it would never be ok to lock a toddler in their room! No matter what your floor plan is. Now that would give them some terrors....
Anyhow, I would say if possible get your son a big kid bed, something big enough for the 2 of you to snuggle up in- read stories or just sing to him at night.(Full size bed is plenty) Let him pick out the bedding, something for "big boys" etc. Then start by staying after the lights are turned off after the story, make sure he falls asleep....a few days later stay until he is almost asleep....after 2 weeks or so, leave after the light is turned off.
Kids need to feel safe once they go to bed, and sleeping alone in a big (to them) room all alone can be scary.
These are the things that we have to go through as a parent, after all he wants you there cause he loves you. That said, if you can TELL that he is doing it on purpose, let him know that you know what he is doing - but still play along a little. It wont be as "fun" anymore to him after that.
At this age, he possible cannot tell you all he feels, and shows it by throwing stuff "I'm really serious Mom".
I could never let my child cry it out for over an hour and a half, when your child cries - he needs you, one way or another. This too will pass, and you will forget all about it one day!

I totally agree with Leesa B. I hope you realize that the old paradigm of ignoring or hitting your child is destructive and way outdated. Conscious parents treat their children with compassion. The level on which a two or three year old can be manipulative is nothing compared to an adult. Children are not little adults, they are still in the theta brain wave state and their worlds are very impressionable. Make a positive impression on your child because it will likely last their whole lifetime. Teach him to trust you, have patience.

He is clearly afraid of sleeping. The fact that he kicks his legs and has restless sleep is a sign that it is unpleasant for him. Try a flower essence like Bach Rescue Remedy in a little water to help ease his anxiety.

http://www.bachflower.com/

Your son is the one who is in control right now. This is one of those turning point behaviors that many parents have to nip in the bud. You are the one who needs to show your son the appropriate way to deal with each situation. I would remove everything from his room except his bed and let him through his tantrum. He needs to know that you can not me used as a subordinate. I did this with my 11 year old when he was 2 and it only took a couple of days to get him to stop. Although me son was so stubborn the first night that he screamed until he literally passed out from exhaustion.

ABOUT ME:

I am a mother of 4 ages 11,8,4,and 1 and a proud Navy wife.

We literally went through the same thing starting about 2 weeks ago and are still working through it. We had been on vacation and when we came back, our two year old started running out of her room at night before falling asleep, and sometimes in the middle of the night, and screaming hysterically after we turned off the lights and left the room-for upwards an hour on some nights. Totally atypical behavior and I thought we were just in bad habits coming off of vacation. We were at our wits end after about a week until one night I decided to go in and lay down with her and when I closed the door she started crying and pointing at the "owl" on the ceiling- the night light had illuminated the back of the rocking chair onto the ceiling into a HUGE batman type signal and was freaking her out!! I felt SO bad that we had made her cry it out (kind of funny if you aren't her parents, I know). We started to leave the closet light on- it sheds enough night that the "owl" goes away, and that helped immediately. However, we still are getting back to the routine from before- a few tears before we leave her, but we are very firm that the owl has gone bye bye and its bedtime. And she has gotten out of bed 2 other nights and we've ended up locking her in her room (we have a two story and I'm scared that one of these nights I won't hear her when the door opens).

So, I guess my suggestion is to make absolutely sure there is nothing in there that is scaring him, then be very firm and consistent. And take things out of his room if he starts to throw them. I would go in, take it away and put it in the hallway saying, "If you throw this then it cannot be in your room", and put him back in bed. Good Luck!

Ok, your not going to like what I have to say, but its honest. I think its so mean and abusive to let him cry, he needs to grow to trust you, its your job as a mommy to teach him that your always there for him, and your teaching him the opposite. I have three daughters 5, 2 and 5 months and I would NEVER EVER let them be scared or cry. I lay in bed with my girls everynight, I cherish every second of it, we read, we talk, we cuddle. I will always make sure my girls know that they can trust their mommy and daddy, and if they are scared, its our job as parents to figure out why, not let them cry.
I honestly feel sick that your child is scared at night and you let him cry, thats just so mean, one day, when he is grown, you will regret not holding him tight when he needed you.
Sorry for being honest, but I am right and I know it!!!
Good Luck and tonight, try laying with him and just holding him and telling him you love him and that your always by his side, teach him trust, because if he cant trust his parents, who can he trust?

Bless your heart! I am an "old mamma", my eldest is 23 and my youngest is 10. I won't say I've seen it all-but I have seen most of it. Your son was truly afraid of his dream in the beginning but now it has turned into his way of (as you said) manipulating and dominating your time. Your approach is correct-letting him scream, it's the giving in that isn't working. You are going to have to sacrafice about 3 more evenings to get him back on course. Night 1-put him in bed-read the story, asure him there are no monsters and let him throw everything he wants to-take out things that may hurt him. When he is finished, go in the room and let him know that throwing things is unacceptable and give him a 2.5 minute time out on the naughty seat. Put him back to bed. Repeat as nessesary. He will wear down. I wish you patience and courage as you face this 2 year old! They can be brutal, but you must take back your lives.

He most definately is using and manipulating you. Giving in after he's had a tantrum for an hour and a half taught him that he will win if he's persistant enough. You need to go back to your original routine and stick with it, no matter how long he screams. Regarding the destruction, my daughter did this at about the same age during time outs. My time out rule was that your time didn't start until you were quiet. If you didn't get quiet you took your time out in your room. Well, that led to mass destruction! At three she would strip her bed and throw the sheets accross the room! Be asured that it does stop! I told her that if she was going to tear apart her room, SHE was going to clean it. About three more destructions later, she figured it out. If he's tossing things like furniture, remove it from his room and tell him he can have it back after he's learned to calm himself down. Don't give in! Imagine what a five year old could throw! I know how hard it is to not give in, believe me, I know. Just be encourged that he WILL figure out that you mean business. I wish you the best of luck!

WOW....Where to start...I have two kids, a 16 year old and a 7 year old. My son has his own bed and falls asleep in it, but if he wakes up in the middle of the night, scared, or upset, he climbs right into bed with us, and falls right back asleep. Yes, he is older now, but if that is what it takes to get a good night sleep, then so be it. I have taken him back to his bed and stayed with him til he falls back asleep, so he is not in our bed every night...I agree with other moms on here that if he is not welcome in your bed, then take him back to his and either lay with him til he falls asleep, or sleep the rest of the night with him. I love my children so much and enjoy that they still need me in most ways. You might find out that giving into him for this one thing, is better for your sleep and sanity, then fighting with him about it. I know that kids manipulate their parents, they are human aren't they? I honestly do not think that fighting about it is gonna make anything better. There is a time and place for spanking, but when we want them to relax and sleep, it seems like that would not be the correct time to do it...Good Luck!!

I have a now 15-year old who when he was a toddler would not go to sleep unless I slept in bed with him (I was a single parent by the time he was 8 months old) or he slept with me. By the time my second husband came along, 8 years later, it took a week to get my son to sleep alone. This is pretty normal for single parents, sleeping with their children. What I have done with my daughter, now almost 16 months old, since she was little was let her fall asleep in my arms and then put her in her crib. I think your son is acting very normally, a lot of parents go through this. Do you have a bed for him that you can lie down next to him until he falls asleep or even a recliner in his room? That's all the input I can give you.

Hi A.,

That's a tough one. He is manipulating but he's also really scared. He may be sensing that you don't want to be with him at night so it's frightening to him that he will be alone. For a while, you may not have your evenings but it's important to tend to his fears right now. This is an age-appropriate behavior, actually -- the separation anxiety, that is. Try relaxing and just being with him in the evening and get him to feel that you want to stay in his room until he's asleep, etc. Also, does he have a nightlight? Maybe if he's given a story about "the special night light" that has magical powers to keep him safe, etc.

A little about me -- my daughter (now 24) slept with us until she wanted to be in her own room (at 3 1/2). At that time, she wanted to fall asleep in our bed and then be carried to her bed. This went on for another year or so, and then she stayed in her room.

I know it's hard to contemplate disrupted sleep for so long but it's better than the anger, etc. Maybe you can come up with a creative solution that also makes your son feel safe.

V.

Hi, I found out about the www.thesleeplady.com in a parenting magazine. Go her website and learn techniques to put your son to bed. If you have every seen Super Nanny, they are similar to what she has done on the show. I tried her methods when my little one was having trouble putting herself to sleep(most kids do) and it worked. My little one is now 4 1/2 and we have no problems at bedtime. Good luck, keep your strength up and don't give up or give in to your little one.
There are resources available to help you.

I went through phases like that with my daughter, who is now five, and still a few nights every couple of month or so she will come in and sleep with my husband and I.
I believe kids are very honest, they aren't working you, for some reason he wants and needs to be close....it is a phase, and it will pass. Want a wonderful thing to let your child know his feelings are OK.
They grow up so fast......my advice is there is nothing to win or lose. Love him, accept him, he just needs a little extra love and comfort right now. I promise you it will pass. The more you let him sleep with you the more secure he will feel thus allowing him to grow up knowing his needs will be meet. You can love a child to much, studies show when a child is happy and secure their brain actually develops faster, when they are crying and upset their brain slows down.
Anyway enjoy your son.....all to soon he will be off and his own and the days of wanting to sleep with mom will be long gone, but you will have the memories!

You need to get tough with him. My friend went through the same thing, and here's what she did, and it worked. (I've also seen this on supernanny.) She took all the dangerous things out of his room, and put one of those doorknob thingies on his knob so he couldn't get out. They just let him have the tantrum, he cried for a long time, but he eventually fell asleep (on the floor). Each night it got a little less and less, and after a week he was back to normal, and was a normal good sleeper ever since. Good luck!

if he doesnt do it with the baby sitter then it sounds like its all to get your attention. he seems to have an active imagination. does he drink anything cafinated or eat sugar before bed? if so try not to give him that (not that i think you are its just a suggestion) does he have an idea about what is real and fake? i see that you have talked with him maybe talk about him and explain that his dreams arent real and that they cant hurt him. if that doesnt work maybe try a small night light in his room or a favorite stuffed toy. im sure this will pass with time and i hope this is helpful to you!

I know just how you feel -we're going through the same thing. No sleep is mind-bending, isn't it? We just got back from a vacation in a different time zone, where we stayed at a friend's house. When our 17-month old woke on vacation due to the time change, we didn't want him to wake everyone else in the house, so we brought him into our bed. Big mistake - but we didn't know what else to do. By the time we got home a week later, he was uninterested in sleeping anywhere else. For some, that's fine, but for us, it doesn't work. So how to get him to change? At first we tried letting him cry, but like you, we discovered he could outlast our resolve. After experimenting with different techniques, what finally worked was consistency. Every day we wake him at 7:00. He naps every day at noon for no more than 2.5 hours. Every night he goes to bed at 8:30. When he woke in the night, we would let him cry for 5 minutes then go in and console him without picking him up for 5 minutes and then leave the room. If he started to cry again, we would go through the process again, but this time we would wait a little longer before responding. The first night, it was hard to calm him in 5 minutes, we had to be engaging on several levels, rubbing his back, speaking in soft tones, giving him hugs (without picking him up). And when we left, he began crying almost immediately. But by the third night, he seemed to be more aware and accepting of the new routine. By the fourth night(last night!), he was still waking, but we only had to go in once for 5 minutes, and we're hoping it will continue to improve and he will go back to being the good sleeper he once was. Best of luck!

Hi there -- I am a mother of 2 boys -- one is 5 and the other is 3months old. All the advice sounds good -- I would add Craniosacral therapy or osteopathy to the daytime helpers and lavender on the head at bedtime. The more he knows he is getting to you, the more he will continue the negative attention seeking. Hang in there -- you sound like great parents and this too shall pass. He is still a pretty little guy and he may be going through a growth spurt -- my older son was always a pill when he was teething, learning a new big skill, having a lot of new experiences (travel, etc.). He will come around. We actually got a bigger bed because we decided the family bed could work better for us, but to each his own. I do think it is good to set limits, but anything around fears is a touchy subject and the more you keep it all light and positive, I think the shorter this whole episode will last. Best of luck -- aloha JP

My first thought is how much does he nap? I don't think there's any problem staying with him until he falls asleep especially if he is going through a needy period right now. But if he won't go to sleep and you've done all the usual bedtime things - bath, reading a book etc - and he still won't settle down then you might want to look at how much he naps during the day. My daughter also had a hard time getting her to fall asleep at night when she was 2. I minimized her nap time and the problem got better. Ditto with my son.

Also look at your bed time routine - keep it consistent both with what you do and when he goes down. Make sure he's getting lots of activity during the day to help tire him out. Also, no TV after dinner really helps my kids go to sleep more quickly. If they watch TV or even a movie it gets them all wound up. Instead, try to really focus on him for about 30 minutes before you start the bedtime routine. Play with blocks or find another fun but calm activity like easy puzzles and do them with him. Then do the usual bedtime routine and put him down. Lie down next to him or on another bed in the room and see if the extra attention helped him to get "enough" of you.

I think your son will probably grow out of this pretty soon. Both mine slept in their own beds and through the night by the time they were 3, but before that going to sleep and staying asleep was a big issue. Good luck!

Most may say "let him cry it out" but the violent tantrums are concerning. It is almost as if you need to remove items from the room for safety. Maybe explain this to him. Or, threaten to take toys away. What I have been told is to find his "currency" what makes him run. Maybe bring him to the doctor so the doctor becomes the bad guy instead of you. I used to sleep with my daughter at night because she would scream if I didn't. Then I found if my husband read to her at night, turned off the light, she would be fine. Oh that angered me...because that would never work for me. Eventually I was able to do it as well. It took some time, but it worked. Good luck. Just know that he is getting older, and soon it will phase out. Maybe do something special and have a stuffed animal be his goodnight buddy. I am certainly not a doctor, but I thought I could help a bit. My 3 years of laying with my colicky daughter at night was wearing on my husband and me.

i am a mother of 3 children: 18, 16 and 9 yrs. all three of my kids began sleeping in their rooms at age 6 months old.
i have never had a problem with them wanting to sleep with me. i did see a very good SuperNanny the other night, which might be helpful for you: 3 small children ages 8, 6, and 3: none of them would go to bed nicely, they constantly got out of their rooms, crying, screaming, throwing things, wanted the mom to sleep with them; when the parents would try putting them back to bed, they would kick, hit, bite, etc....the solution: BE CONSISTENT AND DO NOT GIVE IN! the parent were told to put the kids to bed, and close the door, if the kids came out, pick them up and put them back in bed, tell them it is bed time, good night....the parents did this the first night: it took them 2 hours before the last kid fell asleep (she was on the floor upstairs by the stairwell)
they continued this the next few days...when the supernanny left, the parents were on their own: the kids were throwing their normal fits of fury; but the parents stayed on it, this time it took only 30 minutes.... it does work. actually, any form of discipline works if you stay consistent...kids are smart, if they see you give in, its over! they will continue doing their bad deeds because they know eventually they will break you...but if they see that you will not break, you win.
Good luck and stay consistent.

Ugh! Sounds completely miserable. My only two cents is that you just can never get away with the "occasionally" letting him sleep in your bed. We have twins who are now six and experienced that every time one would get sick and we'd break our "no kids in our bed" rule, it would take us several days to get them back on track after they were well.
Have you tried a reward system, stickers or something if he goes to bed "like a big boy"?
Another suggestion because this sounds pretty extreme, is to remove ALL of his toys (except his favorite stuffed animal if he has one) from his room. Leave only his bed & dresser. This way he has nothing to throw. Good behavior could earn him his toys back.