Too Far!

Hopefully she understands the nuts and bolts of sex (from you!) by now. If so, this wasn't a "blindside entirely then, right?

Now have a talk about respect.
How to get it and how to give respect.

Have a talk about birth control as well!

Remember Ted Bundy's Mom and all of her friends always said what a nice boy he was.... Just saying you can't judge a book by it's cover.

I think you need to have a talk with her about self-respect. If he is trying to do this, and get her to do this, in front of people then she should respect herself enough to not want to see him because he's being a dog.

The best gift you can give your daughter is knowledge. Knowledge is power.
She needs to know all about sex, and she needs to know NOW.
If she remains innocent and naive she will easily fall victim to boys and later to men. They will convince her to do all kinds of things, using lines like "it's ok baby, if we do this/that you're still a virgin, can't get pregnant, etc."
You should be very thorough and very honest. Explain it all, in detail. Yes it's awkward but SO important! Sexual activity IS exciting and it feels good. You need to make sure she is strong enough and feels good enough about herself not to just give it away. Make sure she knows how to say no.

Honestly there's only so much you can do. None of us wants our teens having sex but sometimes, no, OFTEN, it happens. Please continue to show her love, support and guidance, even if she falls short of your expectations.

First off IF your daughter came to you with this information then you shouldn't be sad you should be so extremely ecstatic, patting yourself on the back and doing a happy dance...why? Because she TRUSTS you enough to share this information with you - that is HUGE!!!!

Second, unless your daughter WANTS her access to this boy restricted then the only you are accomplishing by trying to keep them apart is actually pushing them together and she will not talk to you about things in the future because she won't feel like she can trust you anymore with this type of information.

She is 15 years old you need to teach her how to use her voice. She has to know that it is the right thing to say NO if anyone is trying to touch her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable. She has to know that she sets the rules when it comes to her body.

I totally understand that you want to teach abstinence and I think that is great. However, you need to make sure that your daughter has ALL of the information, not just what you prefer. She has to be able to feel comfortable coming to you for help if she does decide to become sexually active and wants information on birth control and keeping herself safe.

When it comes to these issues I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. My daughter is 10 and we have already talked about the fact that NO ONE has the right to touch her in anyway that she does not want to be touched and that if someone does she is to tell them to stop and to leave the situation immediately if possible. I have also told her that she needs to tell either me, her dad, a teacher or one of two family friends. As she gets older we will start talking more and more about how her body is changing and everything that is involved with sex (not just intercourse either but ALL of it).

Give your daughter the knowledge (all of it) to make good decisions, keep her safe and keep the boys in check. That is all that you can do - you can not ride around in her backpack all day. :-)

Good Luck

How about instead of losing your mind and being completely unrealistic about this situation, you sit down with your daughter, her boyfriend, and your husband and TOGETHER have a discussion about how real men show respect to women. I also suggest you get ahold of this boy's parents and ask them if it's okay if you and your husband talk to the little lovebirds about proper behavior in a young relationship.

This is a learning opportunity. Do not forbid your daughter from seeing him, teach them BOTH about how we respect ourselves and one another.

Teaching abstinence is like wishing on a star. It's a nice idea, but really you need to prepare your daughter for the very real possibility that she'll be faced with the need to CHOOSE for herself whether or not she will engage in sexual activity...and if she does choose to do so, how and when and with whom. A young lady who does not respect herself is the kind of young lady who allows a boy to "touch her girly parts" on the bus. So teach her about self respect...and for godsakes, teach the boy too.

Forcing them apart will only force yours and your daughter's realtionship apart. Talk to her about having an open and honest relationship...about healthy relationships.

It's up to you as to how you want to talk about abstinence with your kids. Personally, I think it's more of a detriment and not rooted in reality than anything, BUT regardless of your beliefs, your daughter needs to know ALL about sex, consequences of sex, how her body works and how to handle herself on dates and with young men. Haven't you talked to her about that? Don't you remember being 15? I remember coming home from a date with a 16 year old boy and telling my mother he was an "octopus" (because it seemed like he had 8 hands going everywhere) and I wouldn't be going out with him anymore. My mom told me she had gone out with guys just like that -and what a pain!

I have two boys, and as bad as I hate to think about them in the throes of puberty and sexual hormone rush, it's going to happen, and when it does -they'll basically be penises with legs. Almost every guy I know says these exact words when talking about boys during puberty! It's up to us as parents of them to teach them how to reign in all of that and be respectful, but they're going to try! Girls try too! Let's face it -adolescence is the budding of sexuality and those hormones are CRAZY!

I don't think you should go to the band director at all. What the boy did is nowhere outside the realms of teenage boyfriend behavior. We need to get away from our tattle tale society. What do you hope to accomplish by telling the band director? It's your daughter you should be talking to. Tell her to let him know he should BACK OFF! She should tell him to quit touching her, or she's moving, breaking up with him, etc. She needs to learn to stand up for herself. This is not the last or only guy who's going to try to touch her. Trying to force them to sit apart on buses or telling the band director isn't going to help her in the long run. You're preparing her for adulthood. In a few short years, she'll go to college where she can't tattle if some guy tries to feel her up. She needs to learn now how to handle it! NOW is the time when, if the guy won't stop, she WILL have someone right there to go to -you, the band director, etc.

Oh -and by the way, I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and all of my first boyfriends went to that church and we were all from good, upper middle class families. We were all told to wait until marriage, but we couldn't keep our hands off of each other! I think fewer of us would have had issues stemming from sexual activity if everyone's parents had been as forthright about sex and sexual education as my mother was.

I believe the earlier the talk the better. Since you have not talked to her about such things then it's NEVER too late. Forbidding her to see him will drive her straight to him. I know from experience I spent 3 years with my HS boyfriend just because it made my mom mad.

Talk to her, no you are not a nerd for wanting her to respect herself and wait until she's an adult. But when parents don't talk about non intercourse sexual acts with their children early they don't know what to do. And often times consent because they know no better.

Talk with her, tell her exactly what you told us. She's 15 she is capable of hearing the truth. All of it! I'm guessing she's told you this, she's comfortable speaking with you, explain it all to her the sooner the better.

So what is it that you think 15 year old boyfriends and girlfriends do? Hold hands and sneak kisses? I think it's great that she told you what happened, it sounds like she shares the same beliefs about abstinence. But what concerns me is that she was too shy (uncomfortable) to talk to the boy about it. It's for this reason that so many girls who come from this background end of getting pregnant. I think you need to empower your daughter and teach her that if he really likes her, he will respect her boundaries. I would also tell her that in the future, if she does want to become sexually active (which hopefully she does not) that she will come to you for help regarding contraception.

Your daughter is 15, so it's going to be pretty hard to keep her from sitting by someone on the bus. If she doesn't feel comfortable with his actions, she needs to tell him to stop. If he won't stop, she should break it off with him.

You should really sit her down and talk to her seriously about respecting her body and expecting others to respect it as well. She should never have to feel pressured to do something she's not ready for. No guy is worth that, no matter how attractive he is!

You should also sign her up for a self defense class in your area. If she ever has a chance, there is a wonderful program called Girls Fight Back. They have nationwide tours and it's a great self defense class. When my daughter is a teen, she and I will be doing that together.

And no, you are absolutely not a nerd. Stick to your convictions. Let your daughter know what you expect of her.

Best wishes!

very 1st thing which jumped out at me: our school district keeps the boys/girls separated. 2 buses for all events. Time to take this, not only to the band director, but also administration. I don't care if funding is the issue....safety first.

2nd thing which jumped out at me: if they're on the school bus, how many students witnessed it? That's how "bad" reputations are created.

3rd thing: the whole nerd thing.....well, yes.....to some extent. I totally get how you feel, & yet they're at that age. If you allow dating....then progression will occur. Doesn't make them bad kids, doesn't make you a bad parent. It's life. :)

It's probably not reasonable to think you can keep boys away from your teenage daughter. But it's not at all impractical to teach her to resist sexual contact that in any way that is rushed, forced or unwanted. In my own (sheltered) experience, it would have helped me to have some knowledge about what sexual urges were, what sorts of advances might happen, and how to respond in a firm but polite way.

As it was, I hardly knew what sex was when my stepfather began feeling me up when I was around 13. I didn't know what to do or who to tell – I felt guilty and dirty and obviously couldn't tell my intensely religious mother, whom I was sure would condemn me for it. She had gone to great pains to keep me isolated from boys until then. She might even "die if she found out." So good for you, Mommy, if your daughter can come to you for advice. Keep those channels open by helping her manage the situation without overreacting in her defense.

Assuming your daughter does not welcome these advances, and the boy comes from a good family, my opinion is that she should simply and clearly tell him to stop. You can't protect her forever from boys' sexual interest – in many societies, she'd be considered an adult right now. But you can help her find her voice, let her know (perhaps with the aid of a good book or two) the kind of impulses teen boys (and often girls) feel so they don't take her by surprise, and help her find clear ways to say "stop!" This will empower her rather than leave her too innocent to know what's happening, or why.

If I knew when I was a child what I know now about saying no, I would give messages like "Stop doing that, period. I don't like it, and if you can't manage your behavior, I'll have to tell our parents." No excuses or explanations are needed.

ADDED: After reading other responses, I disagree that your daughter and her boyfriend should be singled out and separated on the bus. That's likely to leave them humiliated and unwilling to ask for future adult advice or intervention. You might want to talk to the band leader, but ask him/her to be discrete, and perhaps set some rules in place that will protect all future teens from unwanted advances from ANYbody.

You're not a nerd. No reason to go to the band director or limit contact, which won't do anything to change the situation. She's 15 and needs you for support, but it's time for your angel to fly. Teach your daughter to say, "No." Encourage her talk to her boyfriend before the next band trip, role play with her to empower her with the words to say to his possible comebacks. And, tell her whatever his reply is to let him know in no uncertain terms she will go to the band director if it happens again, even if it's in the middle of a trip. Suggest she sit somewhere else on the bus, preferably with a group of friends so she isn't isolated with him.

Talking to her, listening to her, warning and acknowledging now that some boys obviously will try to take advantage of her, validating her feelings, giving her the words to use when confronting him are all the best way to teach her to be safe and happy, something she can carry with her and use in dealing with people the rest of her life.

Now is also a good time to talk to her about how people in life will sometimes have different attitudes and beliefs than her. It doesn't mean that hers are wrong, or theirs right, just that they're different, but she should always expect them to be respected. Prepare her that he may very well end their relationship, which is fine. Better to stand up for oneself that to be forced or intimidated into doing something you don't want to do out of fear the relationship will end.

Be glad she came to you with the situation, it's a sign that she trusts you.

Talk to her.

How will she ever know these things unless you discuss these issues with her. :)

I think that you need to talk to her more about what her boundaries are - how to communicate them to a boy she is dating/interested in. What to do if the boy crosses those boundaries. Be thankful that this came up and no "real boundaries" were crossed. Use this an a teaching moment. If the boy was agressive or pushy about this...teach her that he is not a good guy or someone that she wants to date if he did not respect her wishes. Sounds like she needs some coaching on how to handle this in the future. This is something that she needs to learn how to deal with...so work with her on what strategies she could use if the boy is crossing lines and how to tell the boy where the lines are.

In the mean time. I think that the band teacher needs to know what is going on....also the boy's parents need to know what is going on. I would get out the phone and start making a few phone calls today. Pose the conversation around " I just want to let you know what is going on" with your son / or on the band bus and leave it at that.

Good luck

Not all boys will try this. And you are not a nerd.

I'd suggest talking with her about where this is going, the need for protection (physical and emotional), and the fact that a boy who respects her will *not* violate her boundaries. It's also a good time to reiterate your family's beliefs, and ask how she feels about those beliefs. And listen as openly as you can. Try to make her feel safe with you. I suspect she does not feel safe with him.

If she is the one who told you what is happening, she is probably hoping you'll step in. I don't have girls but I've been one. And sadly, I was taught to be deferential to men (traditional for some), that all boys want is sex, and that sex is bad. There is no way out of that series of beliefs that allows you to say NO, feel okay about it, and feel secure that there will be men who will not push.

Why does she have a boyfriend? I ask because my daughter had no intention of losing her virginity in high school so she figured there is no point in dating in high school either. In her mind the point of dating is to find the man she will one day marry and not a game.

I agree with her, that most kids that date in high school are playing grown up when they are not.

If she continues to date this is going to happen over and over. I wish I could help more but it seems like if she cannot come up with a better reason for dating than peer pressure she shouldn't be dating.

How did you find out this happened? If she came to you about this, then she obviously trusts you to guide her through this. Now is another great opportunity to talk to her about this again. Encourage her to keep it G-rated as long as she can. I would reinforce that if she gets caught by any of the teachers or parents, then it will come with a big consequence. It is great that you are instilling these morals into your daughter. However, know that she is going to make her own decisions. My mom raised me the same way, but I chose not to wait. I would NOT force them to be apart. Instead, be up front and honest with her. Do not simply tell her that you want her to be pure until marriage. Tell her why: Pregnancy, STD risk, etc. Teach her safe sex NOW. Keep the lines of communication open so that she will continue to come to you for advice like this.

That she presumably came to you with this means that you have already been doing the right things. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be hard on her either. It is hard to make a young girl understand what is going through hormonal teenage boys minds!

Please revisit Elyse's and Marjorie's answers. Both are excellent.

Please arm your child with information and self-respect. If her innocence includes a total lack of knowledge about sex, it is well past time for her to understand not just its mechanics but also the fact that boys will pressure girls for touching and for more. She needs that warning you say you didn't give her yet and she also needs to know that she is in charge of herself. She also needs to know that if she has not already been telling him "No, I am not letting you touch me and you must stop immediately" she must tell him this; if she fears she will drive him away by doing this -- she needs to understand that any boy who would BE driven away by her asserting herself is not the boy she should be seeing in the first place. She also needs to know that no one, NO one including a boyfriend, should pressure her. I would talk to her and see if she can role-play some things she should be saying to him when he tries to touch her. Eventually she will be in outings that involve overnight trips fo the band or other activities and she MUST have these refusal skills -- and be willing to involve adults if any boy tries to force her to do things -- well before those kinds of trips begin.

You do not say what else being "boyfriend and girlfriend" consists of for the two of them. Do they see each other alone at their own homes? Go out alone, or only with other groups of kids? Do they have to talk or Skype daily (and if so--why?)? Do they go to movies alone together? Or see movies at a home with a parent who's around and occasionally going in and out of the TV room? You see where this is going: Are they chaperoned or generally left alone? I would ensure they are seeing movies at a home, with a parent around; that they are not going out alone together but in groups with other kids to specific activities (bowling, skating, whatever) as opposed to just "hanging out" with no specific activity involved (trolling around the mall, etc.).

You are very, very fortunate that she opened up to you. That shows she trusts you. It also shows she is very uncomfortable and upset about this, so empower her to demand he respect her boundaries, and ensure that she knows a boy who does not respect those boundaries does not respect her deepest self and is not worthy of her.

Please look into some good, solid materials about sex education for this age and look into finding some programs about refusal skills and how they relate to abstinence.

Regarding the band field trips: Short of signing on as a parent chaperone for the remaining trips this year -- is that doable? -- I don't know how you would keep them apart on the bus. You are honoring her trust in you by not going to the band director, but you need her to know that SHE must be the one to say firmly to boyfriend that she is sitting with her best girlfriend this time. Or SHE must tell him before they even get on the bus: No hands or I am breaking up with you at the first touch. That will be very, very hard for a girl with her first boyfriend but it'll be easier if she has already told him that he is making her upset and uncomfortable and it must end. She should not wait for the next field trip to do that.

And I would bet that if she told you it's happening on field trips it may be happening other times and places she may be scared to tell you about.

I understand the attraction they may have towards one another but that doesn't make things right. Yes I would let the coach know what is going on, on the bus under his watch. This boy is not so much of a nice boy regardless of what his family is all about.

Talk to her honestly about how things feel and about what path she is going down. He may be a nice boy but he may also be the kind of boy that likes a conquest. Encourage her to wait. She should really be talking to her father or father figure about this. Men know boys and they know men. My husband is really good with nailing things like this right on the head.

Is she prepared for the emotional upheaval of saying no? Is she prepared for the emotional upheaval of saying Yes? Is she prepared to deal with the people who will see what is happening on the bus and the fall out from it?

If she came to you and told you these things it is probably because she wants you to take some kind of action she can't or won't. This is not the time for you to cry but the time for you to be wise and protect your little girl. Don't restrict access you could end up with a Romeo/Juliet type situation. Maintain you cool and confidant monitoring and open communication with her. Ultimately she will have to live with the decisions she is making. It's your job to help her. So help her.

Again I would let the coach know what is going on without mentioning your daughter's experience specifically. This may help.

Your daughter is entering adulthood unprepared to take care of herself. In just a few short years you will not be around to take care of things that make her uncomfortable.
Help her to find her voice, talk about sex & love, not just the act but the emotions. How boys are different at this age, how they feel different about sex then girls. Teach her to stand up for herself, if you just tell her to stay pure for marraige she'll be in for a lot more trouble then touchy feely on a school bus.
If you are teaching her abstinance, you have to teach her why you believe it's important and that a lot of people do not wait until marriage to have sex. It's a personal choice and she needs lots more imformation to make an informed one.

Well, do you have a relationship with your daughter where she would feel comfortable telling you if she was into the idea of the touching? Innocent and inexperienced does not mean "doormat." Are you teaching her how to assert herself and her wishes as just that and not some edict from her parents or God? Boys are taught (these days) to respect "No, I don't want to." But I have never known a teenage boy who wouldn't try to find some way around "My parents would be mad" or "It's not God's will."

I would not equate sex with adulthood in any way. Some kids misinterpret and think when they start having sex, that will make them an adult and things seriously backfire. Remind her of her personal goals in life and that right now everything feels soooooooo heightened. Go for hot fudge sundaes and let her know that you are there for her to talk to, but not judge her. I don't think you should try separating them. She could always break up with him. If she isn't then you need to address what is going on with her. If it's not this guy, it will be another. Her hormones are raging and she is awakening as a sexual being. You need to address that and not some symptom (i.e. the boy.)

I wasn't really allowed to have a boyfriend in high school, and I'm so grateful for that. I mean really, at that age, there is no POINT in a "serious" relationship for boys other than to up the physical contact constantly. I wouldn't get all mad like "because you two pervs can't be trusted, you're no longer allowed to see him" at all...but I would be more along the lines of, "Honey, I love you more than life itself and I know how big and full of opportunity the world is.. You don't need to get mired down in this premature drama and common risky behavior. It leads to no good. I think the less you see of each other the better it will be" and set to work keeping her busy (as her ally) enriching her life to conquer the world, even if it means dropping the band (marching bands are nice, but really how much will it help her future career? Worth the shenanigans?). Have lots of frank talks about sex, disease, etc.

Seriously, I was so busy preparing for college and working after school and weekends in high school, I rarely got to sneak to see my "boyfriend" in public settings. It kept me out of LOTS of trouble. There was plenty of time for depraved slut-itude in my 20's. (hopefully she'll be safely married off by then) Good luck mom, sounds like your daughter loves you and wants your help! She never would have told you this if you hadn't been doing things very right up until now!

Abstinence until marriage isn't a bad concept for teens. I ditched the ideal at 19 and didn't get married until 35, but in my teens I felt it was very wrong to have sex before marriage because of my upbringing, and that helped to keep me pregnancy and disease free in the long run...I would have liked a lot more frank information than I got though. So keep those doors open!

How does SHE feel about what happened? If she was/is uncomfortable with this, then no, he is NOT a "nice guy." Plus, no "punitive" reactions against this boy, is implied permission.

And, the band director definately needs to know what is going on on the bus. This is NOT the sort of thing kids need to know they can get away with. And, if I were another parent and found out that this was going on, I would be furious to find out another mom knew and didn't say anything.

i dont get why you would need to talk to the band director? I mean she told you so shes not ok with it. has she spoken to him directly? if she did and he still tries then she should end it, if he ends trying then its no big deal.
Ask her her feelings about waiting atleast until adulthood. Educate her on saying no, on protection, std's and pregnancy. Don't make it all bad, its a very good thing when shes ready whenever that may be
I don't think its that huge of a deal unless he is not respecting her wishes. I mean shes dating him so do they want to be seperate on busses? they cant avoid eachother forever. She should be honest with him that shes nowhere near ready to progress and see what he says.

You should have been preparing your daughter for this from about 8 years on. I don't mean to actual act but what the world is about. At 15 she should have some kind of clue for what type of lines boys pull to have sex.

The "boyfriend" wants to have sex with your daughter to have a notch on his belt. At this age that is all they are about. It does not matter that he is from a good home it is all the male hormones flowing (and so are your daughter's) unchecked.

Be glad that your daughter came to you to find answers about all these things. My daughter keeps telling me that she is so glad that at the school system showed such frank, explicit photos of diseases that she did not have any wants for sex in high school. In fact the school had both boys and girls watch an actual birth. Of course this school was overseas on a military base. No punches pulled - the actual in your face when hubby got in her point of sight where she actually decked him.

Have dad take her out dating and you find more information to inform her of what her options are and role play. She has so much ahead of her it would be a shame to lose it because of a pregnancy. Take off the kid gloves and be factual about things and leave the emotions out of it. Now is the time to become her friend and help guide her through the maize of love and how to protect herself while on a date.

The touching is not appropriate in any way especially on a bus full of raging hormones. Who knows how many kids do have sex on the bus?
If it means she is not part of the band anymore fine. Find something else to take its place that will benefit her in her life.

You are trying to keep your morals in tact and you have done a good job so far. It is now when your parenting comes into play as to what she can and cannot accept in the world and how she feels about herself. Go to the doctor with her and have the doctor explain things you do not feel comfortable doing. Get everyone on board and know that you are doing your best to protect her. Keep her busy so that the boyfriend gets bored with not getting the "prize" and he will leave her alone. He will tell others and they will leave her alone as well. Have her enroll in a self-protection class so that she can fend off unwanted approaches. That might be the best thing first and then the doctor.

Good luck to you. Yes your daughter has grown up and you are catching up with this, "where did the baby go?" Soon she will be on her own arm her for life.

The other S.

PS This was not meant as a slap to any mom or dad on here but to inform and prepare girls and boys about what the real world is about. The child/young adult will have ammunition on how to deal with what is out there. It is always best to learn from parents than peers. We all want our children to be innocent and pure as long as possible.

Gosh, I can remember one of my high school boyfriends tried to do the same to me, and I wasn't ready. I slapped him across the face. Needless to say it didn't last.

I think every teen experiments, and especially having a first boyfriend, they are unsure of what to do, or how far to go. I wouldn't go so far as to band them from seeing each other. It won't keep them apart if they want to be together. They will find a way. I would talk with both of them. Let her be open and honest, and not feel scared or embarrased to talk to you about it. Her feelings are quite valid and real.

I think a good (difficult) question to ask yourself is this: Does your daughter feel like the physical contact has gone "too far"? If so, then you have a bigger issue on your hands. But if not (and I think that's what you are saying here)...

It is very, very, very, VERY hard for parents to control teenage urges. This is a natural part of life, and you are in no way a failure! Your daughter is a normal, maturing young woman and becoming sexual is a part of that. No amount of religion or family values is going to stop a couple of 15-year-olds from wanting to touch each other. I know it isn't what you want for her, and yes she may regret relationship decisions she makes as a young person. As long as those regrets don't involve permanent STDs or pregnancy, she will be alright. I personally believe trying to keep them apart is going to make them want to be closer together. I would share your views with her, ask her to try to respect them, but also give her resources in case she wants to go further. I understand this may be outside your comfort zone or beliefs, but if she is going to go further with this boy she needs to know how to do so responsibly. It could be as simple as leaving brochures in her room, or scheduling her a gynecologist appointment and asking the doctor to talk to her about safety.

Also, if she is the one who told you about the bus activity -- kudos to you! Openness like that in a parent-child relationship is so precious. If you punish her for something she willingly told you, you may chip away at that trust and start to hear less and less of what goes on in her life.