Too Much Stress with Three Boys

Oh, your instincts are right on. 1pm for a 9 year old??? - ( I have a 9 year old grandson that I help raise ) -- Even for the 13 year old - 1pm is WAYYYY too late. Yes, children need a break from school during the week-end - tht's why they don't have to get up Saturday and Sunday and rush off to a day of school. They are loosing hours of rest that they desperately need. As a 40 year plus parent and teacher I promise you -- you know what is wrong - too many hours of vidoe games -- too little rest --- You are the at home parent and you are suffering the consequences of allowing your excellent husband to ''tell you how to do your job''' --. Dad's of course need to be listened to - but if you told him how to deal with his job he'd say ''' stop''' --- as an at-home Mom you see things he doesnt -and it IS your area of expertise. It will give you a tough few weeks - but I STRONGLY urge you to :
1. establish school time schedule for Sept------June that gives all 3 of your growing, young children the hours of rest that you and your doctor agree is appropriate - and that includes weekend bedtimes that allow them to start Monday morning rested, refreshed and ready for school which is harder and harder work for kids ( as a teacher - it truly concerns me)
So - if you say
2. '''summer and weekend bedtimes are 10 pm for the 13 - and 9pm for the 9 - ( yes there will be howls - your the parent- your call - and you hve control of the video games - you can always remind them that TOO much protest could mean going video game free altogether for a month- their teachers would be thrilled.) I'm making the times up- you know your children best -- I have friends whose 13 year old daughter has always had a huge need for rest- and she still has an 8:30 bedtime ( carefully '''''hidden'''' from her friends)--- becasue if she doesnt get that much rest- she is a maniac-- you know your children-. AND I promise you- if you say '''' well your bedtime is 9-- but you can have your light on TO READ AND ONLY TO READ __ quietly in your bed''''

again- your childrens' teachers ---- and the adults your children are growing into- will be so grateful.

Video games really arent' fun--- they are not playing, they are not learning, they are not becoming good at making friends - they are watching little imaginary dots pretend to play - pretend to move- pretend to ---------( yes, my nine year old grandson has 'em - but when he's at Grandmas house - the time he has them is determined by me - )

Blessings,

-- I tip my cup of coffee to you-

J.

You're describing life as a Mom. Limiting the amount of screen time, be it tv, computer or games can be challenging, but there is a way. They earn it, including your husband, who I'm willing to bet encourages the video games as much as your boys like to play them. Get a roll of tickets, good for 15 minutes of screen time. They earn 1 ticket each time they accomplish something that needs to happen at home, be it doing the dishes, the laundry, cleaning their room, walking the dog unasked, homework done, no missing assignments for the week, etc. Don't be overly generous with the tickets, they get one ticket for doing the dishes for the week or keeping their homework done each week. Then only allow them to redeem 6 tickets a week. If they are watching one another play a game, they all pay for the pleasure of watching that person play. Your bedtimes are really late, transitioning into the school year they should be hitting the sack earlier, especially the younger one. The 13 yr old will be in middle school and his school day will start at 8am, so he'll probably be up by 6:30 am, he should be in bed no later than 10 pm. 2 hours of homework each evening for him is a good habit to be in when school starts. A 6 hr school day plus 2 hrs minimum study time at home (don't use the word homework, they'll tell they don't have any!) equates to an 8 hr work day and his job is one of student. Hope all works out for you!!

Hi B.,

Welcome to life with 3 boys! I think that the kids need to go to bed earlier- they are not getting enough sleep and even if they don't turn the light out until 10pm, they should be in bed reading by 9:00pm. We do no video games during the week, but the kids both play sports, so with homework, there isn't time for video games. We do watch one TV show a night as a family during the week. My boys are 13 and 14. They need to be in bed by 1am on the weekend, with lights out, so often, they will go to bed earlier so that they can read.

Our boys sat down with us and we made a list of the chores that needed to be done in the evenings and on the weekends, then they decided who would do which chores on odd and even days. We posted the list on the fridge and now my husband or I just need to check the list to see if the chore has been done- if not,we know who needs to do it. There are no arguments because the boys agreed to the list and if they want to be able to go out with friends to movies and things, they have to do what they agreed to do.

Grit your teeth and know that this will not last forever- you don't say how active your kids are, and we have found that the more active the kids are, the better they sleep and are willing to go to bed on time. Do you cook with your kids? Our boys have to make a salad each night for dinner, and sometimes make dinner on their own- cooking with them was a pleasure when they were little and now it has paid off.

Good luck!
C.

Well, first it sounds like you're a mom to FOUR boys instead of three. Your husband and you need to be partners and it sounds like he's more for fun and games than routines, boundaries and discipline. There is no way that kids that young should be up until 1am. Ever. I could see that your 13-year old gets to stay up an HOUR later than normal on the weekends, but no more. You are doing a disservice to your boys by not letting them get enough sleep that their growing bodies need and then zoning out with video games. Also, it is wearing you down quickly by not giving you time to yourself (let alone time with just your husband). You sound like you know this, so you NEED to get you husband on the same page and start having family rules. Weekends can still be about fun - but focus on family ACTIVITIES instead of more TV and video games and you holed up in your room. I'm guessing you don't have a back-yard type of space because you're in an apartment, so getting out and doing things is even more important so you are all having fun with each other and getting exercise. You can also do indoor activities such as board games, putting on plays/shows, dress-up etc. Things that strengthen their bodies and minds. :-)

I also think that all the kids should have age-appropriate chores and your husband should be doing more (e.g. walking the dog) so it's not all on your shoulders. Not only will a chore chart (for everyone in the family - mom & dad included) show how everyone is part of the family and needs to pitch in, it will give your kids a sense of accomplishment (instead of entitlement) and will give them some structure so they are not just vegging out with video games. This will lighten your load and make you a stronger family. There will also be less boredom and hopefully will help with the arguments/fights. If you and your husband set some structure now, it will all just get easier. Good luck! :-D

B.,

I don't think that your schedule is too much, I just think that you are being taken advantage of. Christian especially should be able to walk the dogs as one of his chores. Get your husband to help you get the kids ready for school, or after school, or whenever he's home.

I also think that 4 years old is too young to be playing many of the video games that are on the market right now. My son will be 5 in October and the best he gets is to watch us play Burnout, or Pokemon, or an old PS game called Norse by Norse West. We do not teach him to play, nor encourage him to ask to play. If/when we ever get a Wii that may change, but the longer we can keep him off the video games the better. having said that I just remembered that he got the Leap Frog Leapster for last Christmas. I would limit the time on the video games to 2 hours a day for each kid at the most. If they ignore their chores time gets taken away, if they do extra they could earn extra playing time.

Bed times are also a sticking point for me. My son goes to bed at 8 every night, doesn't matter if it's a weekend or weekday. 1am for anyone is late no matter what. You need your own quiet time without kids screaming/fighting. If they are going to bed after you do then you don't get that time, and no telling what a 13 and 9 year old will put each other up to to try and get the other in trouble. I'd negotiate a later time on the weekends with both kids, they are old enough to do that with. Something like, in rooms by 10-11pm and quiet. They can fall asleep whenever, but they *have* to stay quiet and read or some other quiet activity.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Being a mom is a very tough job for sure. And well I feel the same way and I am sure many other moms do too. But let me tell you that if you need some help or just time or something to escape from it all you need to do it and find it. Reach out to your family and friends and get a break. And well I know your husband may not be on the same page as you are but well if you can make the time with just him please try and help him see that you need help and are overwhelmed. If not you may want to try and talk to your pastor or someone that can maybe help you both get on the same page of running the house hold.

Reach out for getting help from others so that they can help you. Talk to your husband and try and work out a solution. Don't let things get to far or out of hand. And if you need someone you are welcome to contact me.
M.

Do not go to the other room to try to relax! Make sure you go out and do something you love - be it for even just half an hour per week. Do something you love and gets you refreshed. You will be better able to deal with chaos if you get away from it once in a while. And yes, if your husband thinks that the kids can stay up late on weekends then he should really take care of them all weekend and deal with the aftermath of such late bedtimes ;). Your husband and you need to talk and come up with a set of rules and a schedule that works for everyone including you. Talk to a friend who will constantly monitor your progress in this matter.

I think your schedule isn't too bad, with three girls, I don't get much down time iether. I've come to understand that's what it takes to be a good mom. It doesn't seem fair sometimes. If your overwhelmed, go out with some friends every once in a while. Try writing out your schedule, it might show you some areas to improve and how to get your kids in bed earlier. My oldest is 9 and there's no way I let her stay up past 9:30 any day. I'm also known for kicking her out of the house to get some fresh air. I read some where that it's actually good for kids to be bored, it makes them use their brains and problem solve. And like Judy said, sleeping in an the weekends is their break.

Wow, I think you're taking on waaay too much! Now this is just my opinion, so take it or leave it, but I think the bed times for your oldest two are way too late and the video games should be kept to a minimum to start with. I'm not sure what the bedtimes are for the nine and 13-year-old during the week, but my sister has 11-year-old twins who go to bed on school nights at 9 p.m. at the latest. During the weekend, they are allowed to stay up until 10 p.m. - a total treat for them! She finds that if she strays from this schedule, they are a nightmare to deal with because they are tired for the rest of the week. Also, for video games, perhaps you could compromise with your husband and thus gaming could be cut to one hour a day during the weekdays and two hours a day on weekends. After all, video games are one of the number one causes of child obesity and they tend to interfere with other stuff like chores and school work! Kids should be out being active, if you ask me.

Then there's the issue of breakfast... Personally, I would cut down your morning solo routine, unless it is a must. Do you really need to do your makeup before breakfast? You can't find a moment to do it alone in the morning between breakfast and driving the kids to school? And you mention that you are cooking breakfast - could the kids not eat cereal? Our family eats cereal every morning - it's easy, healthy and quick. We have treat days on the weekends where we cook pancakes or eggs or whatever, but during the week it's all cereal...

As I said, this is just my opinion, but those are some of the ways that I would cut back on your schedule. Sounds like you could use some downtime in the evening, so maybe having the kids go to bed earlier would do the trick.

Best of luck and I hope you get some stress relief!

Hi B. - I quickly read through your responses so far, and I generally agree with them. You need to talk to your husband about what kind of men he wants to raise. Write out an actual pen & paper list of the qualities you want your sons to have as adult men. What kind of husbands, fathers, employees/employers they end up being depends on each day they are living right now! Think of activities that will teach and instill those qualities. I'm pretty certain you will find that video games are not good at backing up your teaching about being kind, giving, loving people!

You and your husband need to agree on what is expected of your boys, and what kind of discipline is used on them, and then stick to it as a united front. I think that earning game time is the way to go - up to an hour of play a day. (My children get 30 minutes of TV and 30 minutes of computer each day.) Actually set a timer so that you don't forget and they can't fight about how long it really was. If your husband doesn't agree, ask him to spend one whole day in your shoes and see if it isn't stressful so that he ends up hiding in his room like you do!

During this time when they were previously being entertained electronically, encourage them to try new things to see what they're interested in and good at. Take them to the zoo, a free outdoor concert or play, take them to a drop in ($6/class) ceramic shop to create something, put them in a parks&rec cooking class or guitar lesson... anything! There is a big world out there that they are missing out on! They won't complain about being bored, and will be much happier children if you get them on a good schedule (9 pm bedtime at the latest for the older boys!) and have family-participation and activities for them to do. You will all come to enjoy your days together, not feel stressed by them.

My word. Limit the video games to an hour a day or something. Books, parks, sports???

well... your mornings sound somewhat normal to me, but the afternoons don't. Wow! those boys sure do play a lot of video games. I am a mom of 3 boys as well and I send them outside. I give them books. I do not own a video game system. The arguing doesn't sound normal, nor do the tantrums. Your 4 year old needs more stimulation than video games, and 1 am is WAY TOO LATE of a bedtime for anyone under the age of 18. (or over the age of 25. LOL) I would take the video games away and make the kids earn time on it by doing chores. Limit the time they are allowed to play (this goes for tv as well...) to an hour or less a day. Try to explain to your husband your concerns about the games and the bedtime. When are you getting one-on-one time with your husband if your kids are up until 1 and you need to be up at 6??? For that matter: when do you get to SLEEP??? I think if you put down some rules and stick to them, things might ease up for you. Maybe take a couple days out of the house to yourself and let your husband handle the schedule and then see how he likes it when he needs to get up at 6 and stay up until 1.

For those ages an 8:30 or 9:00 bedtime during the week is more than late enough, and 10:00 is plenty late for the weekend. Don't take away video games now and then on a whim, set a limit, like each boy gets 1/2 an hour or an hour, and only after homework and chores are complete. (you need a time limit because one game can last forever) Perhaps they get one hour total of TV time and it can be with a video game or a show. Those are totally reasonable requests. Just make sure you all sit down together and discuss, and make the rules clear, also attach a punishment to each rule, or a reward to each good behavior, whichever works better with your kids.

It sounds like the daily routine could be tweaked. The daily routine isn't too packed, it's just not packed with the right combination of activities. It also sounds like you really need to sit down and have a one-on-one with your husband about what's acceptable for the video games and bedtimes. 1am for 13 and 9 is WAY too late! It's one thing for a sleepover and an occasional late night, but as part of the weekly routine? That's not helping the kids, it's probably stressing them out to some degree.

Lots of families establish "screen time" that the kids have set for: TV, video games, internet, etc. It's usually between 1 and 2 hours a day (total, not for each activity). Lots of families also require that their kiddos EARN their "screen times" by doing chores, setting good examples for younger siblings, having responsibilities in general.

Have you ever watched the SuperNanny? Typically the first thing she does to help a family get on the right track is to establish a daily schedule. She also will establish a responsibilities chart for the older kids (like your 9 and 13 year olds with some very, very, basic responsibilities for your 4 year old). These two elements might be beneficial for you and your family. I'm sure there are lots of moms out here that would love to help you with ideas for a) the kinds of chores, b) the system iteslf, c) a typical daily routine for a three-boy house.

Find research about appropriate bedtimes and video game exposure to show your husband. It could be that he enjoys the video games so much, why shouldn't his kids? But he's an adult and has to realize that too much of anything can be bad for the boys. Not to mention, do you really want to look back on your boys' childhoods and think "wow, all they did was play video games!"...probably not. Get them signed up for activities in the community. Especially your 13 year old; find something through school, the library, the boys and girls club, a sports team--get him involved so he can start experiencing working with others, cooperating, contributing, etc. School alone isn't going to do this for him if all he does is look forward to coming home and playing video games.

YOU also need to get out of the house sometimes! Make plans that will get you out with a friend or group of friends late on a Friday or Saturday and have your husband take the reigns for the night. Have a girls' weekend on the coast or something. Don't feel guilty about this.

Best wishes to you--maybe you should start first by taking a well-deserved BREAK!

Video games and television can make them more hyper than they should be. I know with my girls. TV and games make them very excited and hyper. This is not the way we should be normally - we can burn ourselves out.

Instead, spend time at a park where the 3 of you can enjoy it. I like going on hikes, so when I want to destress, I do that. Also, I like bike riding, and the kids enjoy that too. It's another way to destress.

Find areas where you live where you can spend time with your kids and enjoy them instead of getting stressed out. Each child is at a demanding age right now, but remember, this too shall pass.

I find myself, if we don't go to church, the energy and stress level just goes up and up and up.

Centering spiritually and calming the family down are very important things to do for both you and the boys. Check out http://www.goarch.org/en/archdiocese/departments/youth/yo...

Make sure you don't get past your breaking point before you either get a neighbor to watch them for a couple of hours, or destress in a way that works for you. Sometimes, I'll go into the woods by myself, and just find a place to sit down, and clear my mind and pray.

As someone who has been past the breaking point of stress, I found that the experts also have said, it's not the stressor that brings stress, it's how we react to things that bring stress. So if we calm ourselves, and find ways to do that, we help our whole overall situation.