Torn and Not Sure What to Do.

While I do believe that schools should be peanut free and all of that, I think this situation crosses the line for me. It's their kid's birthday. If they have cake, they have cake. That's a tradition that your child's particular allergies are not going to change. Birthday parties, unlike school, are optional events. If you don't want cake around her, don't go. Send your regrets. If it means the world to them that you come, they'll change, but it's not fair to expect that.

It is unfortunate that you have to deal with this, and it stinks that you might have to send your regrets, but that's the hand you were dealt.

If grandparents do not abide by safety precautions while caring for your child, then don't send her to them.

i would not expect people to cater to my child's allergy(if it were an airborne allergy, that is a totally different story, but i've not ever heard of an airborne egg allergy). i know how hard it is - my child was on a gluten free diet as a youngster, i always brought along some type of yummy treat - i never expected anyone to provide gluten free goodies to an event we were attending. at 4yo, it's time to start teaching your child to look out for himself as well. obviously, it can't be totally his responsibility at that age, but he's certainly old enough to start learning. when he gets older and in school, he's gonna be invited to classmates parties, and you can't expect those kids parents to provide an egg free cake. it would be nice if your family showed a little more concern, but it can be quite challenging to find egg free cakes, and i can see where they don't want to go to the hassle(though i probably WOULD if it were my neice/nephew or close family member). if you can't keep your child out of the cake and don't want to bring along a safe treat, then you are prob gonna have to accept that you won't be attending many get togethers. we all have our cross to bear in life, food allergies are his. it IS a total bummer though :( good luck!

Edited - If the crumbs on other kids hands cause reactive airway problems then you shouldn't go. You have my sympathy, it must be very hard to avoid his allergic triggers.

First off, I have anaphylactic tree nut allergies, so I can sympathize with you.
Your son is 4, he is old enough to start learning what is safe for him to eat and what isn't - in another year or so he will be in school around kids who have things he can't eat, he needs to be able to identify what is ok and how to say "no thank you". I would use this as a teaching experience. Take him, bring a little cake for him to eat, and stick to him like glue. My kids were restricted from all forms of nuts till age 5 due to my severe allergies; they learned by age 3 to say no to nuts of any kind. Asking schools to accomodate life-threatening allergies is ok, asking people to respect them in your home is ok, taking them up on the offer when they offer to accomodate your allergies is ok; but asking someone to alter their plans in their home to fit your allergies isn't really ok. You have a choice, either bring your child and watch him like a hawk or not go.

I want to respond as a parent of a child with an egg allergy; 6+ on a 5 point scale and an IgE of 684 (YES 684)!!!! So I can officially say, I understand your allergy. We have had multiple anaphylactic reactions (all due to outside meals) and do KNOW what you are going through. We have known since my child was 6 months and now at 9 it is our life-style.

Eggs is a bit different than let's say Peanuts (which we are not allowed either). Peanuts have a dust bi-product residue which can also cause reactions, but not with eggs. So, in a way..... I am going to side with your in-laws. (I know this is going to make you defensive as it is not what you want to hear). Yes it is everyone's responsibility to keep our children safe, but the truth is, it is hard to have an allergic reaction from someone eatting something with eggs baked in. If that were the case, you could never go out of your house. Everything has eggs.. (LOL- just a little humor, as your child gets older, you will be able to laugh).
I do not think the cake is an issue, unless people will eat the cake and kiss all over him. We do not make people not have a cake at parties even with the severe reactions my kid has (we even have seizures with our allergy exposure). I just make sure as toddlers there was not cake eating and then toddler kissing.... When people eat cake, crumbs are not rolling down the front and smearing and your child touching them and then putting his hands in his mouth. Cakes are a big part of celebrations in America.... Every celebration centers around cake.... Birthday cakes, Wedding cakes, religious celebrations.... After all bakeries sure are making money. Much thought goes into the cake for occassions and unless you were a professional baker, I would say NO too to your baking offer..... You are actually LUCKY that your school still allows homemade treats, because many have made it against the rule because of allergies.
So my suggestion and how we handle it.... We call and find out what the party will be serving.... Just think, most party foods are no nos. Corndogs are a no nos, most finger foods, most salads, dips.... Sara Lee hotdog/ hamburger buns, even icecream.
I call and I find out if the cake has a certain color frosting or sprinkles. I keep safe cupcakes in the freezer and before the party, I ice the cupcakes the same as the cake at the party. If they are having sprinkles, I add those too & we bring our own. I ask what type of icecream they are serving and if they are having "good" icecream; I then bring our little solo cup of Kemps. If they are having hotdogs or pizza, I just bring our own bun or other food. I ask after the singing of "Happy Birthday" if everyone can wash hands when we are done and I dish out her cupcake and icecream on one of the birthdayplates taken from the bottom and she eats and we have the same kind of fun. I have her trainned to not use the "Blow Horns" at parties if she gets there early, we take one from the package and Sharpie her name on hers; which I in turn keep. Also note, we do ask that all of the kids sit down and eat (which then keeps all of the food on the table or on a platice table cloth on the floor). Kids should sit and eat anyway. The adults are responsible for throwing away plates and no one ever has a problem.
As far as dogs (even though it is not your concern); I feel people should lock them up for parties anyway.
Just know as your school gets more allergy kids, you will not be baking and bringing much longer. You will have to find and alternative for just YOUR child and move past it..... If your son can read, he must be school age. I find it hard to believe they have gone to an egg free containing menu for you at school. I also find it very hard to believe that all children have stopped bringing cookies, bread, some puddings, pizza, mayo on sandwiches, pasta, rootbeer, muffin, pop tart, rice crispy treats, chicken nuggets and multiple cracker free lunches.... Your child has people eating foods which contain eggs around him all of the time and he is fine. Trust me.... My child had an allergic reaction from scrambled eggs being served at school and they wipped a table with a cloth and she touched the table while having lunch. So, trust me we have an allergy as bad as you can get!!! She has never had a reaction from touching a kid who has had a cookie or donut! Have you had such reactions? I am a very active member of our FAAN branch and have never heard of this either. Peanuts due to the dust residue yes, but not baked goods.
I have one of the BEST allergist in my area (I work in gthe field & do not think Pediatricians no matter how good should manage severe reactive children) and she feels my child's egg allergy is the worst it can get.
Our children actually have less issues with the allergy than us as parents.... We make it the BIG problem. Make his own food and bring it with. He will be fine. Them eating food is not going to cause him to have an allergic reaction unless they are kissing or sharing food/drinks.

your child's health is more important to the party. skip the party and send the gift with your regrets.
if your inlaws watch your child and are not careful regarding her allergies, then find someone else who will obey the rules.
but for a birthday party, i don't see how you can offer an egg free cake (i don't know if they taste the same so just saying).
i am sorry but best if you skip it.

I have a daughter who is allergic to rice, bananas, apricots, rosemary, soy, preservatives, latex, adhesives, bubblegum, peanut butter and the list goes on. I ask no one to change their lifestyle for her. I ask for no special priviliges. She knows what is off limits, If I am at my mother's house or MIL's house I will make her a cheese sandwich if she cannot have the meal served. Since this is your inlaws house have your husband make your child a food he can eat, peanut butter sandwich or bring something he can have.
If you can't protect him at their house then don't go. And make sure you have an epipen at all times if you do go.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to pass on the party. I would try to do an egg-free cake if it were my family, but that's me. Not everyone is that accommodating. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your hubby's cousin is right; it is your child and you must look out for your child's best interests. We can't make others do what we need or would like them to do.

My sister has the exact same problem as you. (she will probably respond to you too) I don't really get how people can be so rude and not even try to be inderstanding but it's really bad when your own family can't even try! THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!
My nephew is allergic to everything it seems like and they have had to deal with all of our family telling them how rude and hateful they are for not going to their houses even though they make NO effort to make it safe for him to be there! He isn't just sensitive to these things either.... HE STOPS BREATHING!!! why don't people understand (and even care!) how important this is????
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this! I wouldn't go if there will be things there that he is seriously allergic to. (If he just get watery eyes or something then I'd go but it's of course up to you) Also I'd ask the allergy dr write you a letter saying the things he HAS to avoid... maybe your family MIGHT realize it really is serious then!
Good Luck!
P.S. we make egg free cakes for our kids bday parties so my nephew can have it... it's not like it's a big deal and it really helps him and my sister out

WOW some people think they are really expertson your situation! "I'm sure you don't REALLY know how allergic your child really is!" WHATEVER! just because some of ya'll have children with egg allergies DOES NOT MEAN you know everything about it! If she says he has a reaction from being in contact with someone who ate it then HE DID!!! My nephew had a reaction from someone touching him after they'd eaten cheetos. Just because your child doesn't have the same degree of allergy doesn't mean it's not possible! I'm sorry people don't understand what you have to go thru all the time with this!

Send the gift with the card. Tell her that she is right, it is your responsibility to protect your son. Therefore, you will not be able to attend. You are protecting him from the issues that cause his health problems. Express your love to them. They don't seem to have much compassion or care about the health of your child. On the other hand, it is a birthday party. Yes, I would expect cake to be served. When you go to things like this, bring something special that your son can eat. Don't expect them to be able to cater to everyone's needs. It can be difficult if you don't know what to fix, and expensive if you have 5 separate menus to prepare for all the various allergies.

You don't say how allergic he is to dogs. That would seem to me to be your bigger problem really b/c you cannot erase the traces of the dog even if he is kept away. Additionally it is unreasonable to ask a dog owner to do this. And seriously, if your child is that allergic to cake it seems like you would be irresponsible to bring him to a party where cake will be served. Cake is one of those things that gets everywhere so really why risk it. And please do not expect them to NOT serve cake b/c you are coming.

My advice is to stay home. You are just setting yourself up for trouble by going.

Go to the party. Bring a yummy little cupcake for your son to eat, or a batch of cookies for him to eat and share. He will be invited to tons of parties, and lunch at schools over the years and not everyone will cater to him, or will even know about his allergy, so teach him now what is safe to eat there.

I'm sure there will be plenty of fruit or nuts or other things she can have.

I don't see any reason why both can't be accommodated. My sister in law has serious allergies, and what we do, is make two things. One little cake for her, another cake for everyone else, enchiladas for her, enchiladas for everyone else. No one is upset or offended by this, nor should they be.

Sometimes you just have to go with it and not let it stress you out.

Now, if your son had an airborne allergy like a peanut allergy, I can understand being more concerned and spreading awareness, but requesting for things to be changed for your sons needs to be met in order for you all to attend is a little interesting. I'm sure they were okay to oblige, but attending a party or family get together shouldn't be about eating.

About the dog... we lock ours up when people come over and vaccuum/dust really well before hand. Perhaps he can take a claritin or allergy med before he comes over.

Since your son's allergy is that severe it has to be your priority. It sounds like you are overdue for a talk with the whole family at once (no he said/she said that way). Explain that you love the family and want very much for your son to spend time with them. You medicate him for exposure to the dog but the egg allergy is so severe that exposure to the crumbs from others puts his airway/his life at risk. You are aware that it is your responsibility to keep him safe to do so you need their cooperation. If they can not accomodate the "no egg zone" you and your son are, regretably, not able to attend. Ask again if they are willing to do the cake last whenever you are invited to a get-together so you can quietly leave or restate your offer to bake the cake without eggs...the ball is then in their court. If they can't/won't accomodate then don't attend. Send the child and card and/or gift or invite them over to your home soon before or after the party to pass it along and spend time there. This is all best and easiest if you hubby is onboard with you on this subject since it is his family.

If you take your son his own food, is there a problem? Is he allergic to the dog?

***ADDED**** Based on your additional information, I wouldn't go.

My suggestion is this, have your OWN parties! You are right to be VERY concerned about your son's contact with cake....THEY are right to want to serve cake anyway. I can see how sadly you will have to decline a lot of invitations, but you can certainly have your OWN get togethers!

I know allergies can be very bad, but couldnt you still go and just not have him eat the cake. does he have a reaction from just being around it? Is he allergic to dogs? what are you going to do when he starts school? He is going to be around things with egg. You cant keep him in the house forever. Im sure he knows he cant have that and maybe you could make a substitute cupcake with out egg in it for him to have instead. If your family makes comments or does not respect that he cant have it then you can always leave. He is going to want to go to friends birthday parties as he gets older and there will always be cake. It might be a good time to teach him what to do when in a situation where he cant have something due to his allergy. You definatly need to put his safety first of coarse, but you can keep him from everything his whole life because of his allergy. Good luck, and i would say go and have fun. Just avoid the cake if that is all your truley worried about.

If the dog is not an issue and you really want to go pack your son the food he can eat. I know this has to be hard since he is so young and will want what everyone else is eating especially cake. Bring along snacks he can eat and share with the other children and to get your point across that your son is allergic I would get a note from your sons doctor and give it to your in laws so that they can maybe start to understand that you are not making this up. ( but I would do that before the party not at the party) Good luck go have fun with the rest of his family. J.

K.,
I know how hard it is for other to understand when your children has special needs, I have to deal with this with my in-laws and parents, as they do not believe my kid has autism spectrum, which has put him at risk in several occasions, basically by not restraining him properly when in the car... anyway, you get it...
If you really want to go, is there anyway you could bring your own food? I dont know much about allergies, but maybe would that be a solution.
Also I do agree that it is your responsibility to keep your kids safe(what I dont agree is the comment, why make it? like he didnt know?) and that comment about them not having to change their lifestyle for him, well isn't it what families do? whatever it takes to be together?
My point is, if you want to go, then do whatever it takes for your family to be together, even if that means bringing your own food and/or medication if necessary and be extra careful.
But if that might be seen as rude, then why go? wouldn't it be better to leave it like it is, instead of possibly making it worse?
Think about it, I hope you find it helpful, and Good Luck!!

Wow. It sounds like bringing your own food won't do the trick.

To be fair to your extended family, most folks with non-peanut allergies seem to be fine if they have their own food. But it sounds like that won't work for you.

It seems that you are going to have to send regrets quite often. Including an invitation to come over and visit (or a play-date in the cousin's case) along with the regrets might allow you to have the "best of both worlds."

Good luck!

ETA: Just saw your addition and would say no to attending if it's that serious. If they know the severity of the situation and won't help protect your child's life, then you need to stay away. Family really should be more supportive. I would decline the invitation noting how disappointed you are that you can't attend, but that you hope they understand you must protect your son's life. Disregard all below.

I would take your own food and attend. There was a boy in our son's kindergarten class a couple years ago who was vegan and limited with food options, so his parents always sent him with his own food when there would be any sort of party. He had his own special cupcake, so he didn't feel left out.

I think your family is being insensitive, but I think there are steps you can take to keep your son safe (which is the #1 priority). The first would be bringing your own food for him, since they've made it clear they won't avoid eggs. Also, make sure they don't offer him any of their food, since they won't take the right safety measures. Even put a sticker on your son's shirt if you need to. A friend of mine has a daughter with peanut allergies and she wears a "peanut allergy" sticker on her shirt to school each day to help avoid mistakes that could harm her.

Good luck!

I get that your child has life-threatening allergies and you must absolutely care for your child BUT...this is a party for another child and it's their special day and they should be able to celebrate it however they want to celebrate it.

I think it would be extremely unfair for you to dictate how another kid's birthday party should go. If this was a party at your house for your child then it is his special day and you all get to decide exactly how that's going to go down but it isn't. If the situation is going to be dangerous for your child, don't go.

Just as a question to think about: If this were a scenario where your child had Type 1 diabetes, and it was a birthday party, would you go? Would you take your kids?

We as parents have to balance letting our kids enjoy life, while protecting them, and unfortunately in this case, the threats are very real, but apparently aren't taken serious or understood by your family.

What you could do is talk to your Dr about it, and get him/her to write up a short letter explaining the issues (or get them to give you an article about it--seems like Dr have articles on all sorts of stuff that they hand out). Then, send a letter to the family saying something like, "sorry that our's sons allergies have caused some issues in the family, but they are very real, and very serious (life threatening). We want to continue to participate in family activities, but we don't expect people to bend over backward to avoid the allergens. What we are asking is that, if you're planning to serve food, you let us see the ingredients list if at all possible, so we can prevent dangerous (life-threatening) exposure to allergens. If we can't see an ingredient list for foods, we can't let Timmy share, and it's very hard on him to come and be able to participate in that way. Please read the enclosed, so you can see how serious his allergies are. He's allergic to X, Y, Z. Again, we don't want you to bend over backward or throw X, Y, Z out of your house. We are just asking you to help us to protect our son's health and well-being, as we would do if your Suzy or Billy came for a visit. We realize that we are first and best protector's for Timmy at this age, and we appreciate any and all help you can give us, as his loving family. We look forward to seeing you at ABC Event."

That being said, if all of the allergens will be present, and everyone will be trapped indoors and exposure's pretty much guaranteed to the allergens, I'd say no to going unless he really wanted to. And if he did, I'd have his meds right there, just in case. Otherwise, I'd probably wait for a less risky event to go to and go to that instead.

How sad for your family, I do tend to agree with the other relatives a bit, it would be really hard for me to get it just right, I would be so worried it might hurt him. Maybe they could let you make the cakes for all the family activities that way it would be safe for him.

How hard it must be to go out in public even. I know my allergies to cat dander is really bad and if I am next to someone at Wal-Mart who has cats I end up getting itchy eyes, wheezing, and sneezing, I keep Benadryl in my purse all the time. i just can't go out in public and not end up with a reaction to something.

I wish he didn't have this trial. I had allergy testing done and was allergic to 74 out of 80 things. Plus I just developed a new allergy to Almonds. My tongue swelled up and I got to ride in a bright shiny ambulance to the ER. It stinks having serious allergies.

I'm assuming that you commented about the dog because if he eats the cake dropped on the floor and licks your son, that could cause the allergy reaction due to the egg being in the cake?

Is there an option to go without your son for about an hour? They will wonder where he is and maybe start taking this a little more seriously? Is your son old enough yet to take precautionary steps to avoid exposure and able to wash his hands good, etc. I couldn't imagine my family being this disrespectful to me... that stinks!

Obviously, you could make a birthday cake with egg substitute and "add" it to the already existing cake (so there will be 2 cakes-That's exciting for any kid!)... people will be AMAZED at how good an eggless cake can taste and may be willing to ask more questions about things they may not understand (or not). I just started making cakes without dairy, gluten or eggs, and people NEVER know the difference!! (If you want the batter and frosting and egg substitute I use, let me know).

I also think it is fine to just not go. Send the gift and call your cousin on his/her birthday.

Good luck :-)

Can you go and bring food for him to eat? I agree that this is your child it is your responsibility to keep him safe.

I second what Michelle M said.