Torn, What Is the RIGHT Thing to Do by My Daughter?

Whatever you do, do NOT have more children with this man.
Suppose you have "just one more" and it's another girl? Then what?
Children do best in a home where they know they are loved and wanted by EVERY adult there, even if there is only one adult there.

Sounds like you need to work on and focus more on your marriage instead of worshipping your daughter. I'm sure she's a lovely little thing, but your marriage is headed up sh*t creek and needs your attention. Consider that he's feeling jealous of your daughter (my goodness, your nickname here is "MamatoRoyals" and you named your daughter "Castle?"). Seriously...your child is NOT the center of the world, NOT a princess, and NOT your means to redeem every bad thing that has ever happened in your past.

Love on your husband. Treat your daughter like a child and not a princess. You'll find that the other issues will resolve themselves when your husband no longer feels an underlying jealousy toward the baby your entire world and all your devotion currently revolves around.

ETA: Bottom line: Your obsession with the happiness of your "beloved daughter" and how she might "feel later in life" show that your priorities are misplaced. Focus on validating your husband's feelings of disappointment, caring for him and showing that, while you don't want to have another baby, you do love him as your husband and your kids' father. Give him an environment to thrive and he will. Right now you're setting him up for failure and acting shocked that he's failing according to your standards...all the while ignoring his needs.

ETA2: I'm with Mel. This struck a chord with me, "Maybe there is actually a true MAN out there..."

How do you think your husband feels, knowing that his wife doesn't think he's a "true MAN?" And don't think that your actions and attitude aren't showing him exactly how you feel. If you want your husband to step up to the plate, you need to ensure that he feels like his efforts will be appreciated and respected.

I hope you are a troll. I really do. I would pity any man married to the woman you're portraying here.

You might consider that your hubby is just not that into a "baby" and that as she gets older and more able to interact with him verbally, he may step up to the plate. I watched a reality show over the weekend where the parents were talking with a therapist. Mom was saying dad is not as involved as she would like and she feels like she has to do everything and provide all the emotional support because he does not. He pointed out to her, and the therapist agreed, that just because he does not show emotional support the same way she does, the kids are fine. The therapist actually agreed that if she went ahead and let him parent the way he felt was right, she would see that the kids would be fine and would respond to him like they do to her. So, maybe he's not showing his feelings for her like you are, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any.

I think the right thing to do is go to marriage counseling. You and your husband need to work with a professional so that you can both see whether or not he is capable of snapping out of his completely unacceptable stance. One doesn't end marriage lightly, as you well know, but it's not OK for your children to grow up with the sense that they don't measure up to some selfish, unrealistic, ridiculous idea of who and what your husband wants in a child.

Frankly, it's bad enough that he already devalues your son enough to feel this way...that he is also dismissive of the value of his own child, your daughter, would sicken and enrage me.

I wouldn't go down without a fight, and that fight starts with counseling. If he won't go, then you go at first and see what you learn and decide. Hopefully he'll value you and your marriage enough to go with you and will be able to recognize how stupid and selfish he is being and how much is at risk here.

Best wishes to you, this sounds insufferable.

Just a thought. Is it possible you spend so much time with your daughter that you put him on the back burner? Maybe he is jealous.

Stick to the determination not to have another child. YOU feel complete with two. When one partner wants another kid and the other partner says no, the no wins. Period. This is not negotiable. If you have a son, your daughter fades further, and if you have yet another girl, you will end up twice as miserable as you are now, and he may start to blame you. (I hope he does realize he determined the gender of your daughter, not you?....)

If he refuses counseling, then YOU should go on your own, right now. Make it happen even if you have to find a sitter for the kids to do it. You can learn some ways to cope with this for yourself and if you are truly considering leaving him over his attitude, you can get the objective advice of a professional. A counselor or therapist also may be able to help you work out how to get your husband into counseling.

Be sure to talk to that professional third party about whether your own perspective might be skewed, too. Can you be objective with yourself about it? Is it possible that maybe your own expectations for how he parents a girl are too high, or just different from what you are seeing in him? I tend to think you're spot on here but it's worth having a third party listen to you and probe whether when you say "in most ways she doesn't have a father" you might have a very different definition of fatherhood than he does. But it would all be better if HE were there to discusss it too....

Have you told him that if he refuses counseling with you, you are seriously reconsidering the entire marriage? Or would he not even respond to an ultimatum like that?

One thing worries me here: you mention in the SWH addition that "maybe there is actually a true man out there" who could love both your kids. Please don't leave just to go seeking another man, for your kids' sake or for any other reason. If you left your husband, do not replace him with another man in hopes of finding that "real daddy" you imagine for your daughter. Just don't. Focus on getting into counseling yourself ASAP and reassessing things.

One other thought: Some men are lousy with babies and toddlers but kind of get into the swing of parenting once a child, boy or girl, is older and the dad can actually talk with and DO things with the child. Is there any chance he's like this? It may be a pipe dream, and don't let this hope keep you hanging on if you find other reasons to leave, but this is worth sitting down and discussing with him now, if you can do it non-judgmentally and he doesn't get defensive about it. "Do you think the problem is really that she's a girl, or is it that she's just a toddler and doesn't really relate to you yet, and you can't do things with her like you can with Son?" This topic is also worth your discussing with a counselor -- though the discussion would be far more useful if dad were there, participating.

I can't tell you whether to stay or go. But my opinion is that you should not have another child. 1) it could be another girl and 2) if it is a boy, how much will it hurt your daughter to see her daddy treating his son like a God, and her like she doesn't exist?

MamaR spoke my thoughts. I know that my husband was great with our kids when they were small, but he did things VERY differently than I did, and often seemed to be oblivious to dangers that were "obvious" to me. Drove me nuts.

I also wonder when you say that you have tried to get him to bond with her, what that means exactly. Have you ever left them alone together? Gone shopping for 3 or 4 hours (minimum) and let Dad take care of her? Without your older son there? Do you dote on your daughter to the point that you seem to care about nothing else? It is very easy to get wrapped up in a small child and push your spouse out. Even in a healthy relationship.

Do you make time for your husband still? Does he ever choose clothes for your daughter? Or give her her bath? Or feed her? Or take her on errands with him so you can have some down time?

You do not need to leave a structured activity for them to do while you are out of the house. Just go. Dad can figure it out. In my experience, they give up trying when mom is too controlling. Could that be the case at all?
The more you push, the more you might be pushing him away. What would happen if you did the opposite, and stopped quizzing and querying him about his relationship with her? And just.. went to the store for a few hours alone? Not a speech before leaving about "I'm giving you time to bond with her while I'm gone," but just "I need some alone time to get my shopping done. See y'all in a few hours."

My father wanted a son, so after having my sister they tried one more time, I was the result. Growing up I knew that I was not what my father wanted. I tried to connect with him in the ways he would recognize, though sports and hunting, even though I myself did not have a huge interest in these things, I just wanted to be loved and accepted by my father. I knew he loved me, but I also knew I was not really what he had wanted. I don't think I would have been any happier had my mom not stayed with him (I think that choice should come down to how the marriage itself is, not on him wanting a son). I do agree that if you feel done having kids then you should be done, giving in to "just one more" could very well have the effect of a second daughter, or a son that leaves the first ignored. I know I struggled for a long time with feelings of never being enough for people, and I am sure that some of that stems for my relationship with my father. I would suggest that he maybe seek counseling to help him deal with his feelings of disappointment over not having a son. These feelings do not make him a bad person or a bad father, but they are something he needs to deal with before he allows them to affect his daughter. Talk with him, be direct and honest, and hope he responds.

I think there can be a lot of reasons for this situation. Some people just don't like babies. Some men think they don't know how to deal with girls, so they want a son. (Some get hung up on the "name to pass down" thing). Some men don't react to the gender of the baby but just to the reality of having a tiny little helpless thing that is now a reality and not just a plus sign on a home pregnancy test.

Of course there is the obvious problem that you have no guarantee of having a boy with a future pregnancy. So the whole discussion of this is pointless.

But some women are the same about girls - they were girls so they think they know how to raise them. You said yourself that you dreamed and prayed for a little girl and were so overjoyed - so maybe your husband felt that you had a preference too, so why couldn't he? The more he pulls away, the more you are drawn to protecting your daughter, so that aligns you only with the child and against him (in his eyes).

But the bigger problem is that you 2 are so distant, and that you consider counseling to be a "threat" - like "If you don't start loving your daughter, I'm calling a therapist"?? That's no way to improve the communication. You are falling out of love, he's pulling away, and yet somehow you think just sitting around and waiting for a breakthrough is a good strategy. There is so much distance between you, I don't think you have any choice except therapy. Either you use therapy to find out what you can each do to come closer together, or you use therapy as a way to get some clarity on your own views and figure out a way to co-parent if you divorce him.

You talk about breaking up your son's home - but you are breaking up your daughter's home by not having a solid marriage with your husband even though you live together. You need some good soul-searching, some good introspection and self analysis, and some good planning with an objective person - you'll get that from a counselor but not from a on line forum. Take the points made here from the various responders, make a list, and make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If he won't go with you to start, go alone. This is not a healthy family and it takes work to get it on track. It is likely that you will have to (and want to) make some changes too - it's probably not all your husband's problem to solve.

I think that this is something HE needs to come to terms with, and he may need counseling to do so. Gender disappointment is common (I wanted a boy, got a girl, but got over it) and if he isn't bonding with her due to her gender, and won't even try (that would be key to me) then he needs professional help, IMO. This isn't about her or even you. You can be upfront with him that how he treats HIS CHILD is eroding your feelings for him. I would further tell him that children are not a guarantee - be it the gender or anything else. I would refuse to have another child or even entertain the idea of one until he gets himself straight and get a shot or otherwise decide for myself in a way he cannot interfere with that I'm not getting pregnant. He cannot just "replace" your DD if you have a son, and what if you have another daughter? Will he not love them both? If he wants a guarantee...children are not the way to go.

I would hold firm that he needs counseling. Disregarding your DD together is also not good for your son - it's teaching him that women don't matter. Do you want that for your son? If your DH won't get counseling, then you get someone to talk to so you can decide what is best here.

FWIW, my SS has always been the second class citizen with his mother and I've seen the effects of her rejection (and favoring SD) over and over. It's heartbreaking. Your DD may never get what she needs from her dad, even if you divorce. You have to think about that, too. I didn't have a father growing up, but I had father figures (uncles, grandfathers) and that was important, too. Don't what if yourself into a decision you aren't happy with. Cross some bridges (like how she might feel) down the road.

My mom's father was a real ahole. Favored her brother like crazy, left everything in his will to the brother, just yelled at her all the time etc. My mom is in her 80's and I think the father ignoring daughters was a bit more common back then. My mom turned out just fine and lots of women from her generation did. No "daddy" issues, she married later in life vs rushed out to find someone to be her father etc. So don't over think this too much. I was constantly annoyed with my husband when our girls were small. Men often do have a harder time being as attentive as we'd like to really young kids. Not that it's impossible your husband isn't a jerk like my grandfather but he also may come around and I agree with lots of suggestions below to let him be with her alone and you back off. Likely your daughter really favors you now too, right? That's typical for young kids - they want mommy mommy mommy. So that may not help. I know it made it way harder for my husband. He'd try to take her from me and my daughters would try to wrestle away to me. It's tough to keep trying in the face of that. But things really changed as my daughters got older. Try being kind to your husband for a while. Be supportive. My husband also really wanted a boy and I was very sympathetic to that vs always critical. And I do agree that calling your daughter Castle and yourself MamatoRoyals indicates you're a bit over the top... Who knows what your husband is complaining about to his friends... But give it some time. I think my mom would still say she was better off in her home with 2 parents than shuttled from house to house on weekends. And a pretty long shot you find some hero that will adore both your kids from 2 different fathers so don't make any decisions based on that!

i'm so sorry. what a sad situation.
:(
but there's no way you can fix a man who is not naturally paternal by having more babies. what if you have another girl?
if he's not in love with his daughter, he doesn't deserve any more kids, nor should you push your body to that extent to try and conform to some illusory ideal.
and the fact that he won't even consider counseling is a huge red flag to me. so is your vain hope that one day he 'may just wake up.'
:( :( :(
khairete
S.

What a sad and difficult situation. I'm sorry, how hard for you.

I agree with the response that possibly he is jealous. My other thought is that males often don't bond with their children till they are older than 2, when the kids can really start talking and interacting. I don't know that leaving him is useful, because then your daughter will REALLY lose him. I think it's worth the wait, but I certainly understand falling out of love with him because of this.

Good luck, and sorry you are going through this.

Tell him you love him and you know he's unhappy you had a girl but you're too old to have another child WHICH MAY ALSO BE A GIRL. Let him know if he leaves you'll understand.

Then just be the best mom and wife you can be without pandering to his awful tantrum and give things a year.

If he does not treat your daughter well, you should split up with him imo.

Be glad he would sign her over. You don't want to lose custody. Your daughter won't blame you. That's silly. People split up for way less. Kids are resilient if parents are mature and positive. I'm divorced. My kids don't "blame" either of us or think we didn't love them enough to keep trying. They just think we're divorced. See how your son functions? Well, that's how your daughter will function too only her new future stepdad will be way nicer than her real dad.

Some people just don't go all goo goo for babies. I'm one of those. Take em or leave em. I like older kids that can carry on a conversation and play fun stuff.

Perhaps you can see how your hubby works with your boy and see if he's one of those who just really don't do babies. It's not a bad thing, some people just don't get past the diapers and crying all night and stinky milk smell..lol.

One thing I will tell you is that you are not too old to have more kids. Women today are having kids clear up into their 50's. It is a higher risk of course if you have any health problems but with good medical care you should be fine.

Sit down with hubby and have a talk. Ask him if you guys do have more kids and it's more girls what then? Keep trying? When will he be satisfied that he's got the kids he's going to have?

Another thing, I'd suggest some parenting classes called PCIT, Parent Child Interaction Training, he can learn some good ways to interact with his daughter. This training is really good for kids and it teaches the parents how to look at things from their point of view.

We took them at the local health department.