Touchy Family Situation--moving Closer to Meddling SIL

I'm going to be the social pariah again, and strongly suggest that you keep your opinions and feelings about this crabby bat to yourself. I agree with Proust when he said, 'what you think of me is NONE of my business.'

How will dividing your husband's loyalty pay off for you?

How will dividing his loyalty make him feel accepted and loved by you?

That really is a no-win approach to family relationships.

Frankly, this is the whole purpose for chilly etiquette and the frightfully-polite response. When you have said, 'thank you so much for sharing that point of view, sil, would you like more coffee?' for the 700th time, perhaps the dolt will catch on that you are NOT listening and that you are NOT open to her hostility or criticism.

Frankly, the garbage that spills forth from her mouth is no indication of anything but her lack of class and her limited intelligence. Teaching your children that lots of people are insufferably rude, and it's not your job (or their's) to 'fix' them, only to be hyper-polite at them regardless of their neadrathal behaviour will give them excellent tools for the inevitable idiots they will run into later in life.

You can't control the woman, you can't control where or when she will be around... but you can control your response to her, and the position you put your husband in. It's not his fault his sister is a twit, so don't take it out on him (and he can't control her face, either!) Get Miss Manners' books about family etiquette for strong guidelines about how to handle this stuff without engaging in it or even acknowledging that it's happening.

Your sister-in-law's opinions have NOTHING to do with you, and the still won't even if you live in her backyard.

You've got to honest with your husband. First off... jobs in the midwest, particularly michigan, are few and far between. You say your husband is loosing his job soon. I think at this point you have to think about your husband being able to provide the basic necessities for his family.

Second, you can't continue to go through your marriage with this animosity towards his sister. Be honest with him...but avoid 'you' statements. Put things gently...'I feel'... etc... you do not want to put him on the defensive. Maybe if you are open with your feelings and cite specific examples of how she has made you feel less of a mother, or feel like she has mettled... then he too will see the issue.

Also, you could try to resolve your issues with your SIL. Try to find out why she feels she needs to poke her head into your family life. What is the underlying reason.

At the end of the day, if you just can't get along, then just tell her you respect the fact she is your husbands sister, but you would prefer to not have a relationsip with her.

Also, I'm sorry...I just can't let this one go... I'm a little concerned about your attitude of being a stay at home mom... the 'aka slave' comment. Being a SAHM is a personal choice and if it doesn't work for you then you need to sit down with your husband and find a solution that does work for you. Yes, having a parent at home is GREAT for the kids...but not if you resent the fact you are there. It would be better for your kids to be around you when you are not resentful...then to be around you all day and pick up on that attitude. Kids are perceptive. They know when you aren't happy with your situation.

It really sounds like to me you have a lot to discuss with your husband. I think a conversation with an open mind and calm attitude would go a long way.

Good luck hon.

An in-law problem is really just a marital problem. Your SIL would not be a problem if your husband would back you up on the limits your family needs. So the question to ask, is how to get your marital problems worked out. I have a very mettling MIL who has NEVER been a problem because my husband gentle and kindly tells her that it is our decision and to mind her own business. It has become something to laugh about (like when she told us we should spend our honeymoon with family LOL!). But do keep in mind that we have kept our distance. I would not want to live within an hour of her, but two hours would be fine. Any of my husbands siblings who live close to her have ended up hating her, while we and other sibs have a very good relationship.

I would suggest thinking about the real root of the problems. I am wondering if it might be difficult for you to set limits with others in general and maybe you like to avoid conflict (as you have avoided discussing with husband and two hours should be enough space to set limits). In avoiding discussing the real reasons with your husband, you have lost out on the opportunity to grow as a couple and learn how to be supportive of one another. It is important to your own well being to learn that temporary discomfort in having a difficult conversation (when setting limits) can lead to years of avoided pain.

On the other hand, maybe you have had many discussions with him and he has refused to be supportive of you, if so, be careful about the move as it will only get worse. If he cannot see your perspective in the situation I would suggest marital counseling by a good therapist who comes recommended by others. It does not matter how far away she lives as long as he lets her come between you as a couple.

It is very important to be unified as a couple when setting limits with family. So find out what is preventing it and fix it ASAP.

Take the high road and stand by your man and go! If his sister has no boundries make your own and stand up to them the very first time she crosses them...."fair and firm". You should tell your husband about this issue but if you think it would be too touchy for him, wait... he will EVENTUALLY see what is going on. At this point she is in conrol of your life. Why are you giving her all that power? Don't let a few days a year control your life. If she doesn't live close enough to come over for coffee every day, why let yourself be sick about her. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!! Kill her with kindness, she won't know what hit her. If you refuse to go, your husband will sooner or later resent you holding him back in his career. Be strong, set your boundries and rise above her bologna! Be supportive of your husband...you married him, not her.

I live by my husband's family and 750 miles from my own parents and siblings. It can be tough and you will be the outsider, but you aren't in middle school. Be an adult. At family gatherings, you can take a walk and get a way from anyone! Besides you children will get to know the other side of the family better. Also if your husband has a great job offer, enough said! Especially as a SAHM, which it doesn't sound like you're that crazy about, you need to support this financial decision as well. Or you could get a job. I hear more resentment from you and I think it has more to do with your current job (SAHM) and leaving your comfort zone than it does about a new opportunity for your husband.

Moving far away is just tough, especially if you have a supportive friends & family where you currently live. Before you decide for certain what you want to do, make sure the SIL is the REAL reason you are hesitating. The reason I say this is even the craziest, bitchiest freak of a woman can be tolerated for short periods of time, no? Honestly, I think the SIL can be handled by not living too close and not initiating contact with her.

And most importnatly, tell hubby you want to support him in his career and in return need him to support you in making your job (aka wife/mother/homemaker) easier and tolerable. Tell your husband what boundaries you need with your SIL to feel comfortable and ask him if he can compromise and agree.

You've gotten lots of great (and some not so great) responses. Sometimes being a SAHM feels like one huge sacrafice. We sacrafice our bodies, careers & social lives for our families. And when we show even the slighest resentment or difficulty in adjusting to the complete change in lifestyle, there are other woman just waiting to jump down our throats about it.

You have to do what is best for your family. Talk to your husband about how you feel of course, but plan on setting boundaries with him and your sister n law. Let him know how you feel about her, be completely honest. A good book is Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward, it may help with setting those boundaries. As a once toxic in law myself, she may not have a clue that she is medaling. I know sounds crazy, but don't assume she knows she is upsetting you. Most people are not out to hurt you, some just don't have a clue. Stand your ground let her know this is your family, her brother is married to you and your husband and yourself rule your household, noone else. If a great job opportunity means better things for your family, do you really want to stop this?

Hi D.,
Ok here's the thing, I'm going through a similar situation with my hubby's brother who lives about 5 miles from us. This guy is bad news to my marriage as well...he has tried everything in his power to break me and my hubby up (we have a real good relationship). You can't make them choose, sometimes you just have to step back and let them see for themselves what their sibling is doing to you and your relationship. This man clings to my hubby, he's 39 yrs old and acts like a 3 yr old (I'm not joking). He calls us every morning cuz he can't figure out what to do with himself until he hears my hubby's voice. It's gotten to the point where my hubby don't even answer the phone anymore when he see's his number pop up. It gets very annoying, and he's a stone cold drunk and liar. My hubby is finally seeing what I've been trying to tell him as an outsider what his brother is all about. He used to run over there all the time, now he doesn't. So my advice is to try and be supportive of your husband, the last thing you want to do is make him feel you're not supporting him and approach him on the subject about SIL maybe he doesn't really know how you feel or what she's doing to your relationship/family, second and this is a hard one, you have to bite your tongue when it comes to your SIL (don't say harsh things about her to your hubby), I had to do it and believe me I'm not at a loss for words when it comes to hubby's brother...third maybe you can suggest to your hubby to seek other opportunities on the other side of the globe...lol You have to remember, you are the mother of his children and that's a place in his heart his sister can never take...good luck...

That is a touchy situation.....I understand that you don't like your sister in law, and that the two of you don't get along, but you can't hold your husband back from taking this 'dream' job. Your husband can't afford to lose that job offer, neither one of you can.
You don't work and since your husband will be losing his current job soon, then he should take the new job offer. He needs to support his family. You shouldn't make him pass it up. What if he can't find another job like that is closer to home? What are you going to do then? With the economy the way it is right now, he really can't afford to pass it up.
You should be considering what is best for your husband and your family.........you shouldn't be thinking of your sister in law and how close you will be living to her.
Anyways, moving closer to her does not mean that you will see her all the time.
And as for your family, you could always go to visit them or they could come visit you.
How far away would you be moving?
I am from Chicago, I have my family and friends there.........but when I got married, I came to live in Michigan where my husband was.
I live 4-4 1/2 hours away from my family, and about 5 minutes away from my husband's brother and his family. I am very close to my family in Chicago, and I miss them very much, but we make an effort to go back to visit as often as we can.
My brother in law and his wife are not like your sister in law, but I have had some problems with this sister in law before.
We live a mile away from each other, (not even 5 minutes away), and we barely see each other.I hardly see my brother in law and his family, except like at weddings or if we get together at a holiday.
I know you are close to your family and you will miss them, but like I mentioned above, you don't really have choice here. Your husband will be losing his job soon, and he really wants to take up this new job offer. If it is his dream job.......then why would you make him pass it up? If he feels strongly about taking that job, and you make him pass it up, then I think you will both regret it. Also, later you don't want him to blame you for passing up this job either.
Well, Good luck and hope this helps.

Not to be rude here, but you need to just "give it up". Your husband is working and bringing in the money and You need to be supportive of this man who loves you enough to pass up other job leads. (My husband would never do this; and I would not even think of asking.).

Currently; Michigan's economy is going NOWHERE! If your husband has the chance to make it and do something that would make him happy, bring in the income to pay bills, food, etc., then you need to get over the SIL issue. Or discuss it calmly and rationally with him.

As far as the SIL meddling with your parenting style and other things, perhaps you should talk to her and find out what her deal is if you have not already. If she has such an issue, then you may come to realize it is not with you, but within herself. (Trust me... I have the same situation with my in-laws and we are finally getting thru it.).

I understand you are close to your family, but you can always have a well-deserved vacation to visit them! Especially if this job is a great-paying one. There is the phone calls and purchase a web-cam. (these are great for the kids, too as it makes long distance seem less. We do this every winter with our In-laws.)

But it is not fair to your husband to stand in his way. That is very judgmental and selfish.

Look to your heart and stand by the man you married. If you do, then maybe he will hear you more about your worries regarding the SIL.

I think you need to talk to your hubby about your fears of what is going to happen... Do not use words like " your" or "she's" because you don't want him to feel as if him or his "angelic sister" are being attacked. Say things like "I'm afraid that our family time...."
"Our house rules",
Focus on how it makes YOU feel.
Not knowing anything about the situation or personal history noone can tell you what to do. But no matter what happens your hubby and you need to be on the same page. If there are rules set up before moving, like not just showing up, scheduling visits, and backing EACH OTHER up not making unilateral decisions about her with out consulting each other to make sure it will fit the "schedule"... etc...
A lot of people down on others because of personal feelings of lacking... If I put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, then i feel better and look better type of behavior.

Talk to hubby, let him know how you feel and your fears about what could happen if you move. Pray about it. If you guys are on the same page then there is no way to "go around " you.
I live 600 miles away from my family and less than 2 hours away from hubbys family... I know all about being far away from those you are closest too... But it makes visits more fun and a treat to look forward too....
Support hubby in what ever the decision, maybe you going off on her will back her off.. I mean really, if you get the B**** rep with her, why would she WANT to be near you because you call her on things?

Good luck...

I didn't read all the responses you got, so this may be redundant. I feel that you need to be honest with your husband about how you feel about his sister. Preface it with challenging him to have an open mind and hear you out before he responds and gets defensive about her. Challenge him to be supportive of you first, before he automatically takes her side. You should be more important to him than her and he should take your side and support you even if he doesn't think you are right. Perhaps he should be the one to set boundaries with her and take the head of the house role seriously and if she oversteps those boundaries, there needs to be consequences, like don't invite her to the kids birthday party. It might be a huge blow up, but maybe then she will get the picture that you're serious about the boundaries. Maybe she doesn't even realize she is like this.
Aside from that, you need to be supportive of your husband's career...you don't want financial stresses adding to your family dynamic.
I am a Christian and believe that God gives us direction in our lives. I would pray for His direction in this to see if this move was what He had for me. It might not be the easiest scenario, but there may be a reason we would need to move there...we don't know. Good luck!

That's a tough one. A similar situation happened to my husband's boss. This was his dream job too. He accepted the position of chief of our fire dept. His wife was obviously unhappy about it. He said that she didn't want to move. She loved it where they lived. When it came time for him to move his family out here. She said quit the job or get a divorce. Well, he felt his hands were tied. He thought she was bluffing but sure enough they got a divorce. He just got remarried. I saw his daughter at the wedding and she looked miserable. I know it's not easy but stand by your husband. Tell him how you feel and give it a shot. You might love it there. Michigan jobs are hard to come by right now. My brother just lost his job and is looking out of state because nothing is here. My parents just filed for bankruptcy. We were always a wealthy family with a successful business. It's tough times. Hope this helps.

D.,
I'm confused. HE'S about to lose his job, HE'S got a great offer elsewhere, and you're upset about his sister's meddling? Okay, I understand your dilemma, I really do. Just don't HOST any family gatherings and then you won't have to worry about inviting her. If your hubby wants to see his sister, let HIM arrange it and you can be away for the duration. Maybe then, having to hear it himself, maybe he'd understand where you're coming from. Typically people don't like to think badly of their siblings. But eventually, avoiding being around her will be obvious and you should at least say why. After a few times between the two of them only, maybe he'll see your point.

But I have to say that your attitude doesn't exactly sound very compromising either. The use of 'slave' is a clue, plus the 'who's calling the shots' stuff. You COULD be a little supportive of your husband if you have a good thing going here. But I'm not reading "compromise" here at all. If you aren't happy, PERIOD, then you need to get out there and make a life for yourself. Hopefully without tearing him to shreds in the process. Is this a matter of who's wearing the pants or is it compromise? Because being a SAHM ISN'T perfect for everyone; it takes compromise and balance. If you don't like it then get back to the corporate world. But you don't need to take prisoners with you.
Good luck. I'm sure you can come up with a good solution!

I think that you have to be honest with your husband about your feelings toward his sister. Doesn't he see her doing the same things that you do? You may move closer to her and see a different side of her than you do now. You may learn new things that would explain her actions. DO NOT let this interfer with your husbands dream job...it will ruin your marriage.

I (Mom of four and a Grandbabie too!)went through a similar situation recently. I am telling you from the bottom of my heart that if you move away from your family you will be very heartbroken and lonely. I was away from my family for over 2 years and it nearly killed me. My husband's MOTHER was exactly the way your sister-in-law is and I'm here to tell you (thank God I lived through it)I was completely miserable. It was like I was at her dispense. There is nothing in this world like family and if you are close to your family (it sounds like you are)you will not be happy. Thank the good Lord we were able to move back home. We don't have the nice home we lived in but I told my husband I would rather be home and live in a shack than to be where we were. I would stick to your guns sweety cuz when push comes to shove he will NOT want to say anything to upset the applecart if you know what I mean. Been there done that and didn't like it not one little bit!

I am sorry but.... you will never win the battle. Your hubby will always always take his sisters side no matter what, blood is thicker than water. I also think your being very selfish in refusing to go. You have two kids to think of. I think you need to grow up and roll with the punches.

BTW-if you think being a stay at home mom makes you a slave you could always get a job in the corporate world and let hubby be a stay at home dad and then you won't have to move near your wicked sister in law.

Either way I just think you need to grow up and look at the situation. Jobs are hard to find espeically in Michigan. If your hubby has an oppurtunity to move on and get a job somehere you go. You married him and not his sister.

I totally understand. Been there done that. No longer with that one, but my newer hubby's family can be a bit much at times. I really don't have family or friends so I am learning to support & stick up for myself. while I know I am not the greatest mom in the world, I am doing my best.

Unfortunately in this economy you really can't tell your hubby no on the job, you just don't know when another offer will turn up. Explain to him how you feel, try saying it's how you feel and just observations on your part. Family is thicker than water however and it is possible that he will side with her. Just be prepared for it. As for living a few hours away, you don't have to have her in your house any more than you're comfortable with. If your hubby wants to see her, let him go to her.

The other thing I would suggest is that you talk to her and help her understand how you feel. Regardless of blood, he is your hubby and you're going to stick by him, but she won't be welcome in your house as long as she is meddlesome and disrespectful. I don't know if she's married with kids or not, but if she is then remind her that you don't tell her how to run her marriage or kids and that you would appreciate it if she would keep her thoughts on those two matters to herself. Most of all, you know the truth, don't let her get to you. As I heard once, Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." The same goes for anger, if you don't let her make you mad, she can't. Just tell her you love her too much to argue (even if you don't). It takes two to quarrel/argue and if you're not participating she'll eventually stop. She may just be to childish & think it's fun to get you riled up.

Just my 2 cents.

K.
www.shop4miracles.com

Stick to your guns, do whats right for you !
Good luck
C-

I fully understand your situation and I sympathize with you 100%; however, you cannot stand in the way of your husband's employment. In today's job market, he is lucky to land a job that will support you and your family. And... how can you even think of being separated from him, should you decide to stay where you are if and when he takes the new job? You must tell your husband how you feel and, TOGETHER, make some decisions on how to handle his sister. I faced a similar situation with my mother-in-law some 30 years ago. My husband and I discussed it, made some plans, then stuck with the plan. My husband presented it to his mother (while I was in attendance, but did no talking). She wasn't happy with it at first, but when she realized that it was the only way she could see her grandchildren, she agreed. It worked out very well for all of us. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you are a TEAM! Make your decisions with love. God Bless.

That is so funny what you said about the smirk! Yeah, men do not, nor do women without children, realize that sah is not all its cracked up to be!!!

This is a very tough delima as jobs are not easy to come by these days. Especially decent ones.

You probably should stand by your man, however, he should also stand by you too! This means being on your side when the 'sister' gives input into something that is none of her business.

Have a long talk with your husband and discuss this option throughly.

Good Luck!!!

By all means go with your husband but sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk with him before he accepts the job. Tell him that you WILL NOT tolerate his sister's meddling of any kind and stand your ground on this issue. The minute you move join a good church and if this sister starts trouble ask your minister to talk to your husband and the sister. YOur husband and sister need to be reminded when man and wife marry they become one. DOesn't part of the marriage vow state who GOd has joined together let no man put asunder (meaning separate. There are marriage classes at different churches that help people deal with difficult in-laws. Good luck to you and will be praying for you.

I sure feel for you, I too have sister in law issues and had to stop going around her, she makes me sick, she works very hard to be the meanest person that she can. I guess I would just make sure that my hubby knows that she won't be allowed around the kids, that would be the stipulation to the move. Good luck, I feel your pain.

I would follow my husband to the ends of the earth. Talk to him and support him and worry about your own husband and kids. Then you can face anything and anyone when you are strong together. Don't hold your husband back just because you are scared. Tell him, talk to him and let him decide -- he is the head of the family and needs to do what he thinks is right in supporting you and the kids. Pray, Pray, Pray and God will take care of you in any place you are.

Sorry you have this tough thing going on! When I was reading your story, I keep thinking that the first thing you should do is tell your husband how you feel about his sister and why, and that that's what's really going on. Since it's his sister, it seems less obvious, but if you switched 'sister' for 'mother' in the story, you know every single person would advise you that your husband should be loyal to you over his birth family.

If you knew that your husband would stand up for you and not tolerate her bad behavior, would you then be willing to move?

I could be wrong, but those were my thoughts...Good luck with it!

D.,
I understand how you feel, although my issue would be if my mom or brother moved near me rather than us moving. First, as hard as it might be, I think that you need to be honest with your husband about how much the way his sister acts toward you. Maybe if it is about her actions and not her personally, it might help. Also, remember that biblically in relationships the ranking is: God, Spouse, Children, Family. Why? Because, first, God never leaves; your Spouse isn't supposed to leave; your children will grow and go; and, the family is scattered. I think that the biggest thing is that you are honest with your husband. My prayers are with you.
B.

D.

You have to do what's best for your family...and that may not be as obvious a choice as you think.

I have SILs who have been judgemental, pushy and annoying as long as I have known them. At the same time, they are capable of doing good too, so my husband is not always as annoyed as me. But they recently really really hurt me right after my third baby was born when I came home from the hospital (nice timing), it was honestly the most hurtful thing I've ever been through in all my 38 years. So...I truly understand your feelings. I would never want to have to live so close to my SILs either.

The difference is, my husband saw/heard how terrible they were and knew how genuinely HURT I was (not just annoyed, but hurt). I also communicated with him (through uncontrollable tears) about my feelings. I told him how hurt my feelings were and how I was literally losing sleep over it. And when it all came to a huge-ugly-family-drama-head...he came to my defense. I don't think he would have had I not really talked to him.

I don't know that you have to/should do the same thing or not. But I do know that without honest communication (as difficult as that communication may be), your marriage is at risk for the long-haul. There are some issues that husbands and wives should leave alone...but not the kind that fester and gain more destructive power over time. If you are letting this SIL issue alone weigh so heavily on such a monumental decision...you can see just how much destructive power it already has.
You say that that you know your husband is losing his job soon, and he has an opportunity to actually get another one. Do you realize how ridiclously fortunate you are to even have that opportunity in this plummetting economy??? Truly...this is not the time that beggars can be choosers. He could realistically be unemployed for a very long time in this terrible job market! And yet you are letting her basically make this critical decision for you---throwing all other pros/cons that should be weighed by you/your family right out the window. How smart would it be to let that be the deciding factor? It should definitely go in the "CON" column, but you cannot let it be the only reason you don't support your husband on this.

Perhaps you could tell him how hurt you feel by the way his sister makes you feel and and just how deep it goes. You will probably need to give him some examples (because he is a guy and may truly be oblivious), but do so in a very non-accusational way. With a soft approach, tell him that this issue alone makes you not want him to pursue this job....But that you see how much it means to him...and so you want to support him. Ask him if he could promise to support you in making things better with your SIL (especially if you guys--as a family--decide the job/move is best for you all)

There are a lot of other factors you should be weighing in this decision. In order to be fair to yourselves, momentarily pretend your SIL wouldn't live so close. Then mull it all over without that big issue in the way. Your decision may surprise you. This is a very difficult time in MI and everyone is fighting for jobs. And although pushy and judgemental SILs can be the WORST...it would be terrible to regret holding your husband back over this issue alone. Who knows when...or IF...another good opportunity will come around.

Good luck D.. Hope my two cents is helpful.

Wow...that's tough. You might not be able to do anything about the SIL. The only thing you can control is your actions. I think it may be more productive (and give you less internal dilemma)to pray for something other than the job falling through. Im sure you would love your husband to be able to take his dream job, right? Try focusing on the hope that your husband will be able to see the actions of his sister and how disruptive they are on his family. He can't allow her to be so intrusive, but even moreso he can't allow it to cause physical stress on you. Refusing to go will ruin your marriage, I assume you have already thought of that. I think your only option is to pray for positives instead of hoping for negatives, and having a heart to heart with your spouse!

~L.

It sounds like moving is what will be best for your family. It sounds like you need to have that talk with your husband *gently* and tell him that you feel like he's attacking you when he sides with his sister and that you would really appreciate and feel great about him taking a more supportive stance of you during his *parenting* discussions with his sister. (Does she even have kids?) It could be that as you seem new-er to the whold SAHM thing they are just trying to be helpful and offer you advice and maybe they think they are making your job easier... My mom in law was "making comments" that I found very offensive - telling my husband that I didn't take good enough care of my house, etc. He bought into it almost every time and took it out on me. We finally had a talk about it and he "blocks out" her *bad* comments more now and always takes my(our) side and defends our family. He didn't like what it was doing to our marriage either, he just wasn't sure how to handle the situation.

I know it sounds crazy and probably like the last thing on earth you want to do, but it's an honest suggestion: perhaps you should call her just to chat. Call to see how she's doing. Tell her you were just thinking about her wondering what was new, and that you also might be moving out that way soon, though nothing is set in stone. Try placing yourself on her side - even if you're not *totally* feeling it, and you may find that she eventually reciprocates it by being on yours. AND if, you form a direct relationship with her, you will help your husband tremendously to not feel like he's the referee between you two, or the "middle man". Then you can use your own intelligence and charm to gently change his sister's behavior via your own direct conversations with her. You may even find that once you get past this obstacle, you even have found something about her you like. You will ALWAYS lose if you are against his family. Especially if your husband obviously doesn't feel the "attacks" are mean-spirited (I'm sure he would automatically take your side if he did). Assume they mean the best, talk to them both seperately. Wait for the right oppertunity in conversation to talk with the sister. If she thinks you called her for anything other than checking in socially (even if she thinks it's strange that you did) it may backfire by making her feel attacked by you (and make your hubby feel like he needs to defend his sis)- and you don't want to move closer to a mess like that! Kill her with kindness as they say!

Also, being a SAHM *can* be a VERY difficult change. It's hard to go from celebrating your own accomplishments to celebrating someone else's. It can really feel like you've lost your identity, and like a thankless job especially since it sounds like you could use a little more support and encouragement in it from your hubby. Maybe he doesn't understand that since it's not traditional *work*. Sometimes it's just really hard for guys to "get it". I have 6 kids under 10 so I understand the slave comment to an extent. I would say to you two things that I have learned from my experience as a SAHM. One, if you are feeling over-defined by your family role, it really is a serious issue. It affects your self-esteem, your *job* performance, and your relationship negatively. I've found the best way to combat this is to volunteer in the community. It's time away from the kids, you get to hang out with new friends, and you're still doing something "on your own" to make a difference, accomplishing things you can be proud of other than "Jimmy went pee-pee!" Lol :) And remember, to try and keep your sense of humor. The days the kids are really rotten and everything else is going wrong too, are days my best friend and I call "sitcom days" because if we had a video camera and a network spot, we'd be getting awesome ratings and lots of laughs! Try to be the spectator for a second before you dive back into the moment. It helps sap some of the seriousness out of the situation! Two, if you feel like a live in slave, and non a full time mom, then you need to set some healthier boundaries with the kids. It will benefit you all. Your job is not to be thier slave, your job is to raise, happy, loved, self-sufficient kids. They for sure can pick up thier toys at two and limit some of their behaviors (at least most of the time - though it may take a bit of working on until they get the initial control)Wanting to pull your hair out may just be mother nature's way of telling you that it's time to take the next step in helping your children to learn personal responsibility in an age appropriate way. Tell them no. Tell them you're busy doing your "work" and you will get around to their request in a minute. Learning to accept delayed gratification will make them more patient and you less stressed. Make them clean up their messes (at least the ones they can), and encourage them to do other things they can do for themslves. Most new skills are just extentions of ones we already have tried in new ways..it may just not have occured to them that anyone but mommy can do it.

At any rate, I wish you the best of luck in all things. If you need a pep talk let me know! :)

I wonder if this sister just want to be needed? Maybe needs some appreciation as well. Sometimes people search to fill these needs the wrong way. Discussion of your concern for her would be perfectly appropriate with your husband if you present your concerns in a non-defensive way.

My late husband always wanted to move to Alaska, I would not leave my mother and I regret I held him back from the adventure and change that he desired. If your relationship is open and strong with hubby he should be supportive of what family gatherings will look like.

Best to always love someone into cooperation. Make a list of positive and negative aspects of the move and total which side wins to make your decision. Warm regards, Gladys (just think of Happy one of the seven dwarfs!

Keep the main thing the main thing which is your husband and your children, you should to be painfully honest with the hubby so he will know where you stand and why, maybe ask him how he feels about what you have just told him, and then make a decision about moving together and support him so that he will support you, meaning if he still feels this move is a must for his career maybe you should support that and ask him to compromise and set bounderies where his sister is concerned meaning holidays you will go visit your family, and let him know that he has to keep her out of your personal. Pray about it before you talk to him.

I moved to the USA from Great Britain with 18 month old b/g twins due to my husbands job. It was fine - at least your move you will already have a drivers licence, bank account,social security number etc!You will already be driving on the correct side of the road and know what Meijers stocks. Being without family isn't so bad, especially with kids to keep you busy...!
I would say you need to let your husband know about the sister - be honest about your feelings. Write down the pros and cons of moving and if necessary write a letter to the sister explaining what the problem is - see if SHE can come up with a workable solution (sounds to me like she is jealous).Don't bottle it up or you will end up feeling resentful and will blame hubby for all sorts of strange things.If you don't do anything you will always wonder "what if.."
Good luck!!
Just had a thought - how about showing him your query and these responses? It would be a great talking point starter for you both.

You need to be honest with your husband. He needs to know how you feel concerning this sister and the damage you feel it will cause to live near to her. You also need to set boundaries with her and enforce them!! Talk to your husband about the issue and ask him to help you with boundaries that will be acceptable for you both. Refusing to allow your husband to go where the job is without giving valid reasons will and is damaging your marriage! Is there a way you could find a home that's not too close to your sister-in-law? Have you tried to talk to her about the issues you are having with her?? Raising children is one of the hardest and most rewarding and most heartbreaking jobs you can have. I have 6. The corporate world can be left behind at the end of the day, but kids can't. You need to be able to talk honestly with your husband about all of these things or you are asking for disaster in the long run. I'll be praying for you, L.