Trauma - Federal Way,WA

Everyone works through trauma and grief differently and there is no set timeline.
I think you are taking good steps and you are bringing good out of a bad situation. You are growing through the experience.
If you feel you need to make contact with the boy or his family do it with an open heart. They may be willing to see you, but it still may be akward. If he is a neighbor then reaching out may be more important than if it was someone you never see.

However long it takes... that's how long ;) Time heals all wounds... there's no right or wrong or set amount of time to get over something.

It sounds like you're already taking all the appropriate steps already, but I think you need to forgive YOURSELF.

I had a friends baby die of SIDS in my care... there was not one single thing I could have done differently to save that baby or prevent it from happening. This happened over 5 years ago and it's still something I'm deeply traumatized from... BUT, once the family showed their forgiveness and support, I was able to begin to forgive myself, and THAT was the hardest thing to overcome.

I have really bad anxiety with other people's kids now (things I don't worry so much with my kids, like riding bikes, playing on the swings, running), and let me tell you, I would NOT have taken my 3rd child home from the hospital if my fiance hadn't installed the movement monitor in his crib! (Most people want to get out of there... I wasn't leaving until that was done!!) I have my moments, but 5 years later, it's manageable.

I hope you find that place within yourself to move forward :)

That's why they call them "accidents"...no O. plans for an accident. They are the things that come out of left field and can shake you to the core. My cousin was involved in an accident which resulted in her teenage daughter receiving a chattered jaw requiring surgery, wiring, etc. She had incredible guilt. She did work through it with her daughter and a counselor. For her, it's been almost a year. Initially, she had fear of driving, panic attacks, etc. much like you've described.
O. thought: is there anyway you can see/talk to or get in touch with the little boy? I think that would be very healing for you.
Good luck.

Sounds like everyone else has forgiven you. Have you forgiven yourself yet?

God bless you, what an ordeal. This is one of my worst fears.

I have never been through anything like this, but just reading your post and being a mother of two young girls myself, I have to wonder, why DON'T you go talk to the mother of the boy? You could see him, see how he is doing, and see that they are OK, maybe it would help you. Wouldn't it?

I hope that you do not give up and continue on the road to healing, you have children who depend on you. Best wishes to you!

It was an accident. You will probably be able to minister or counsel someone else on this one day in the future. Right now you totally need to get over it tho. My good friends daughter was in a head on collision a while back, she died and injured the two guys in the other vehicle. My friend still feels the need to contact the two survivors but has yet been able to find the words. She knows that the driver of that car was the last person to see her daughter alive.
For closure purposes, I'd send a gift and a heartfelt note to the boy .... and make mention of how it has touched your life, ie-- the bike helmets you have supplied to your neighborhood children. It's time to stop beating yourself up.

I've not been personally involve in any sort of serious traumatic incident as you have. I have had difficulty with depression and anxiety. When I asked my therapist this question his answer was "as long as it takes." When I asked when I'd be able to stop crying he said, "when you've cried as much as you need to cry." My therapists have encouraged me to trust the process, knowing that I would know when I was done with that part of it.

Not very encouraging I know. But I think it did help me to start looking forward to feeling better instead of feeling stuck where I was at. It was during these times that I learned to "fake it until I make it." Right now you are focused on your grief. At some point you will be able to focus on feeling healed.

What you say to yourself greatly influences how you feel. I hope your therapist is helping you make positive statements. Again it's make the statement even tho you don't feel it's truth. Eventually the truth of it will hit you and your one step closer to being healed.

Hi,

Yes, it will pass. I find during my panic attacks it helps to carry it out to the final. My head isn't really going to explode. The world isn't really going to crack up. I'm not really going to start running and never come back. But what if I did? Well, I'd get tired and come back home. So, run if you want to. You won't get that far. So, run (or whatever it is you feel compelled to do during a panic attack).

You're stuck in your "oulds". That's where you are when you say should, would could. Don't do that to yourself. It's the worst form of torture on a soul that is already battered.

Instead - measure your success in smaller increments - did you have more better days this time than last time after you didn't do well? If so, GOOD you made progress. If No - well, did you have more days than the time before that? Did your panic last less time, did you make progress within the setback?

The P!nk song "Perfect" has a great line that goes something like "tell the voices inside your head that they like you instead" which is about changing your mental dialogue with yourself to not be self-blaming. Very good advise.

There is no "too long" for it to take. However long it is is fine. Really. I promise. What matters is that every day (or most days) you get up in the morning and say "today I am going to try to xyz".

Good Luck.

When I was nine years old, my mother and I were hit by a car while crossing the street. We were not at a cross walk, and it was a major roadway. We were life flighted, and her injuries were severe. She was pregnant and lost the baby. She was just remarried, and we were on a "honeymoon" vacation - the first day of it - when the accident happened. This left me with a man I was just getting to know with a skull fracture, sprains and bruises, and a mother who was beginning almost a two month recovery in the hospital, followed by years of surgeries and recovery. We both had PTSD, but they don't diagnose children with that. The girl who hit us was only 19 years old. We have NEVER thought with anger towards her. It was an ACCIDENT! We all have to learn and grow from our experiences, and I imagine it would be painful to be the one behind the wheel after something like this. It will take time to move past, but you have to decide to stop punishing yourself. We never heard from the girl who struck us. Her feelings of guilt are assumed, and we feel guilty for our part in the accident too. Sometimes bad things happen. It has been more than 20 years since our accident, and my mother and I have happiness in our lives. I hope she does too. It would have been nice if she had written a letter, if that's something you want to do. If it helps you put it behind you, you should. Best wishes, J.

I don't have any advice, just sending you a big HUG!!!!

Even if the boy had died, it was still an accident. You would NEVER have intentionally done anything to hurt a child! I know that you fear judgement, but anyone who judges you isn't worth your time. Look at all of the ladies here who admire you and have compassion for your situation! :)
I will pray that God uses your therapy to release you and give you peace!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you said it correctly that God put you there because he knew you could handle it. I don't know if this is even something you can do, but have you tried going to the boy and his parents, and actually sitting down with them and talking? I mean, if you could spill your heart out to them, and hug him and see that he is OK, maybe that would start a road to recovery for you. Touching someone could have a great impact on you, meaning by hugging him. That would let some emotions out I am sure. I would try something that you have not tried yet, that could be a turning point for you. God Bless You, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.

There is no right or wrong way to respond to a trauma or a tragedy. We each respond differently due to our makeup and everything else that is going on in our lives. We do have choices, however.

When I lost my mother to a car crash with a drunk driver, a friend gave me a book of poetry published by a woman who was riding in a car when a crash happened and her daughter and her daughter's friend in the same car were killed. She had lost her husband just one year earlier to a sudden heart attack. This woman decided that she needed to honor her daughter and husband by moving on with her life, and to help her do that, she published this book of her daughter's poetry. It's called "She Would Draw Flowers" by Kirsten Savitri Bergh. I found it and the story behind it especially encouraging about the choices we have when dealing with traumatic events.

We humans can be incredibly resilient at times, and other times, not. I am not a psychologist or counselor, though I am studing psychology. If your current counselor is helping then keep going, if they are not, find another. There are conflicting schools of thought about how to work with people with anxiety and related disorders. Not all methods work for all people. I would suggest being open to new approaches.

You sound like your doing all the right healing that you need to do. it may never go away as loosing a loved one. I certainly give you a applause for your recovery road. You are human and we all have done things we are not proud of but God does not want us to suffer for it for our whole lives. He has already forgiven you, now it is your turn.

Oh you poor thing? I'm so glad that the little boy is ok and that you were not harmed either. What a horrible thing for both of you to go through.

I hate to say it but PTSD takes a long time to go away. It hasn't been a year yet - so keep holding on. The fog will lift.

Have you ever spoken to the little boy's parents? Are they people that you know? Can you reach out to them? Perhaps being able to visit him and maybe bring a gift will ease your mind a bit? Maybe they can tell you about how his life has kept on going and all is ok. Sometimes, some rassurance helps to ease your mind.

Also, ask your counselr if he/she knows of a support group that you can join. It might help a lot. Or create one on Yahoo My Groups. Somewimes hearing a familiar story helps one to heal.

Feel better - and just keep giving it time.

It could have happened to anyone. Here's a story: a friend's 3yo daughter choked and died in front of her mother and brother while taking a pill HER mother gave her, instead of the fluid version of the medicine the ped had recommended. It happened in a day that could have been like any other day. The cartoons were on tv, dinner was cooking on the stove...what should this mother do, then?Please, be certain that if the kid is fine, you will be too.Nothing unrepairable happened to you OR the boy...doesn't this make you feel the luckiest person you know? You have been blessed with good luck and are already on your path to recovery, you just have to let yourself realize it. Don't focus on how unlucky you have been, rather on how lucky.

Dear Mama, You are where you are.

You can't pretend to be further along or healthier. You have checked off all the right therapeutic techniques. You're doing what professionals and society recommend. And I hear that it is high time that you learn to forgive yourself. You don't mention your religion or spiritual preference. Do you have this element present in your life? Do you practice it?

I was going to recommend both EMDR and EFT. But that advice was given for EMDR already.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) you can youtube and you can practice this self accu-tapping procedure in the privacy of your home, or car, or wherever you whenever you start to feel the panic and anxiety start up.

And finally, I would recommend a healing prayer or meditation time for you too. Daily spend time in sincere and thoughtful forgiveness and love and acceptance of yourself. The outlets you mention of buying helmets are wonderful steps, but probably not spiritually lasting. Be mindful of how you talk to yourself. You had a brush with death, and you are both good and alive and even well.

Peace to you.

One day I went home to eat lunch on a work day, on my way back to work I was in deep deep thought about things I needed to get done and bills I needed to pay. So when I accidentally ran a red light, I knew I was in the wrong. I flipped the car I hit. I was not injured one bit. I immediately grabbed my cell and jumped out of my vehicle. I ran to the other guy while calling the police. He was alert and ok. THANK GOD! I stayed away from him as he was very upset at me and I can understand why. I did get to see him walk around his vehicle and around his car. When the policeman asked what happened I admitted I just got in one of those moments where I dazed out. He said "It happens, that's why we call them accidents" The police officer was very nice. He assured me the other guy would be ok and was very kind to me. I felt horrible. I felt sick. I felt bad first of all for the guy. Secondly for the expense I put on my family. Many people reassured me they've had those moments where they ran a stop sign/light and were lucky. But nothing made me feel better until I came to terms with it. I think what helped me most was knowing the guy was ok and that nobody was hurt. But I'll never forget it. I could sit here until forever thinking of the what ifs...what if he was killed or injured. What if he had a child in the vehicle with him. What if I had my children in the car. But it does no good. I count my blessings and I've moved on. And this is what you should do too!

I think it could be very healing or at least helpful to go visit the family too.

But I think Denise P and Rachel D are right. First of all it was an accident and secondly time heals all.

Oh what a horrible way to feel and you couldn't have done anything differently I'm sure. It sounds like you are doing everything you should. It just takes time. I think I would want to see the boy and it might actually be the best thing for you to heal. He may need to see you also. I'd contact his parents and see how it goes from there. Not knowing his age, I wonder if at some point the two of you might form a team and go to schools and talk with students on the importance of wearing helmits and being safe on the streets, riding bikes and such. It might be the better form of therapy that helps you both, and will save another childs life some day. Best of everything to you.

I've never suffered a trauma, but did have panic disorder, and I couldn't stop having panic attacks until I stopped going down the "What If" road. Don't let yourself go there. When you find yourself thinking "What if this or that happened?" stop yourself. Remind yourself that those things DIDN'T happen and try to force your thoughts in a different direction.

If I were the little boy's mother, I would be very touched that you cared enough to see how he's doing. I think it would give you some peace too.

Please forgive yourself. I strongly believe God doesn't want us to beat ourselves up like that. After all, He forgives us anything we are sorry for- and wants us to forgive others. Why would He not want us to forgive ourselves as well?
Blessings.

Oh my goodness, I don't have any words of wisdom but I could almost feel your panic coming thru my monitor so just wanted to encourage you a little! You are right, God put you there for a reason; don't forget that. You have in your favor that this child's mother is obviously grateful that you were there, too.
I don't know if you mentioned this, but if you're not already on one, you sound like a perfect candidate for an SSRI/ anti-anxiety medication (in my layperson's opinion!). It could help you stop that cycle of panic and begin to get to a point where you could get yourself through this.
Bless your heart-- check back let us know how you're doing!

I admire what you're doing: getting appropriate treatment, facing what happened, doing everything you can to prevent this from happening to another child by encouraging helmet use.

I'm sorry the accident happened at all. I'm sorry you still have such bad days.

But I would encourage you to look a this from a different angle: instead of thinking how you "could have taken this poor woman's baby away", think about the fact that you did NOT. You weren't racing or speeding or driving drunk. You were involved in an accident, and now you are preventing countless other tragedies through your positive actions.

I would also encourage you to send a note to his mom, telling her that you are taking steps to heal and are actively providing helmets for kids so that they will live like her son did. If it were me, I would like to know that the driver was making a positive difference in my child's honor. I would be proud to meet you.

Why you, you ask? Because others may have not had the wisdom and the foresight and the bravery to buy those helmets for kids on their block. Because others might have not sought counseling and instead might have turned to drinking and might have killed someone, or might have abandoned their families. Because others might not have cared so much or been so strong.

Your compassion is what is driving your anxiety. If you didn't care about children and families, it wouldn't hurt so much. Turn your compassion into action, not anxiety.

I wanted to give you my experience with this, even though it is a little different because it doesn't involve my children. Since your situation does involve a child , I know is causing you more pain. My husband was hit by a car, walking to his parking area after work ( left early from 3rd shift). A bystander called me after the accident. After the obvious immediate shock of my husband being involved in an accident, my next thought was the poor person that had hit him. I immediately put myself in that persons shoes, we are all guilty of being negligent ( my hubby included ). By the time I got to the hospital , I was in tears for that guy that hit him. How horrible that had to have been for him. If I were the mother of that child, I would want to know how you were doing, also. Her heart is probably aching for you, knowing how she would feel if the situation were flipped. I hope this helps b/c my heart is aching for you.

Please look into EMDR-and God bless you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Listen.....the guilt won't change what happened.
It sounds like you are so focused on the actual event that even though you have plans to make something good come from something bad, you are still focusing on the bad.
It sounds like you have post traumatic stress.
Men and women come back from war with it.
To me, it sounds like you are going perhaps overboard with trying to make up for what happened.
I was hit by a car when I was 6. I was holding on to my mom as we left a store. She was pushing the shopping cart. It was raining. A young boy who had just got his license decided to spin some donuts in the parking lot, lost control of the car and long story short, my mom was bruised up, but I wasn't expected to live. I do, however, remember vividly a sad man and woman coming to my hospital room and bringing me a doll that had a little blanket. I didn't understand they were the parents of the boy who hit me. I kept that doll with me and for some reason, I put that blanket on my own body thinking it would heal me.
It's very hard to explain and I was in the hospital for a long time, but I obviously survived. I have absolutely no bad feelings toward the boy or his parents. I often wonder if they think of me. If his parents are even still alive. If he had children of his own and was careful with them. I wonder about it, but I hope they were able to let it go to an extent, really. No good would be served by them being marred for life. I wouldn't feel good at all if they did that to themselves.
He was a young boy acting stupid and it was an accident. If I thought he and his parents could never forgive themselves, that would become a weight on ME.
I have forgiven.

You matter what you do, you can't change what happened. Accept that.
Don't go overboard trying to make up for it to an extent that it could lead to an obsession because that won't help anything either.

This is just my opinion and I hope you can find a way through this.

Sounds like it was an accident and that you didn't do anything wrong, like speeding or drinking or driving. I say this because my son was hit while riding his bike. Here's our thoughts as the family from the other end of the equation.

It was an accident, not brought on by negligent driving. My son will always bear the scares as a reminder to be more careful. The girl who hit him was in her late teens. She let my son use her cell phone to call home. My son wasn't wearing a helmet (he was repeatedly reminded of this - by the two cops, the firefighters, and myself).

The girl called the next day to pass on some her insurance had said and she asked how my son was doing. Her voice was quivering and it was obvious she was nervous. I let her know he would be fine and thanked her for calling. I was never angry at her. The only thing, I wish she hadn't told me, was about the accident. I knew she hit him (and I swear the only reason he didn't knock his head on the pavement was from all his judo lessons - they teach, read drill it into them, kids how to take a fall and slap their arm down keeping their head up. Guess what part of his body was shredded? His elbow) sorry, way off track. She hit him with the front of her car, but I didn't know she dragged him a bit. She shared that in her phone call and it was a visual I would have been happy not knowing.

We hold no anger to the girl. We had a long talk with our son about riding his bike safely (no one does anything without a helmet), we also told him she will bare the scars emotionally, hitting her brakes whenever anything catches her eye.

My son never rode another bike.

If the girl were to call us all these years later, I'd still be nice to her. She suffered just as much. We feel for the anguish she must have felt.

Do what you need to bring closure for yourself. Maybe talking to the family would be a good idea.

I too suffer from panic attacks. Sometimes they come more often, sometimes I go a long time without them. My tools to deal with them are:

Having safe people to talk to,
Having safe places to be,
Having a safe routine--know what you will do when one happens,
Knowing that the panic attack will end--waiting it out,
Knowing that the only way through a panic attack is to go through it--there are no short cuts,
Knowing that you have done it before, and you can do it again,
Some times, if you just look at an object in the room, then you can feel safer,
And breath control, sometimes panic attacks make you breathe really fast so you try to slow down my breathing,

You probably will always carry this accident and some of it's panic with you, and that is just the way it will be. Try to tell your self you will only let your panic last for 10 minutes and then you will be busy with something else. At first this will be hard (I know it--I did it myself.) and do feel like you failed if it doesn't work at first.

Just keep trying. It is okay to feel like you feel, no matter how you feel. Eventually the panic attacks will get less often even it feels like it takes forever. Just keep working on it. You are worth it.