Hi all Mamas,
I am feeling like I am totally out of option to figure out my 3 year old son. We are not sure when it did happen, but since last year it became pretty annoying. My three year old is generally very happy, playful and full of joy child. Our parenting also involves a lot of praises, enouragement, postive reinforcement. He is very weird in some way, when we praised him like saying good job, great work, you are nice etc, he will suddenlly turned to be upset. Example, he was doing very good job at eating and when he finished, we said it's so great that you finished your meal and now it's your fruit or dessert. Then, he will suddenly gets upset and throw the plate to the floor, and said I want you to be sad etc. He tried to ask why, elobrate, and ask him to explain why. Once we discussed, he got all the right answer, like he wants us to be happy, have fun etc. But most of time, when the positive reinforcement again, he turns to be upset. Today, even worse, usually when I woke up in the morning and saw him just woke up and lying in the family room, I will say good morning, may be few times, and want to teach him that he should say good morning to the people. Today, it's him to come to our room and he was very sweet and looked at him saying good morning mommy. Then, I said good morning son. He suddenly changed his face and throw my jacket to the floor. It is no big deal, but, the response is so not right. We tried so many methods. but still can't figure out what his problem is.
Any advice, mamas? My husband and I really don't know what to do.
:).
I do not see the need to discuss everything. Give him some space.
He will learn to say good morning, etc. Some kids are not morning people.
Sorry to say, but if someone constantly commented, good or bad,
all day, I would go nuts. Just let him be himself. You can teach by
example.
He is reacting that way because he cannot be himself.
He needs breathing room... not being commented on/praised/told what to do next/given reinforcement for every little thing.
It is irritating.
You are ACTUALLY "stifling" him... in many ways.
Kids... also need to just be and do. On their own.. without it needing a comment afterward or after every little thing they do.
They want to be themselves. Your son, seems to know who he is.
Both my kids are like that too.
I am stoked about that.
I raise them to be, so.
My son is only 4 right now... but from 2 years old, he would actually tell me "I want to be by myself now.... ", or "I want to do it myself...." etc.
I don't expect him to just please me or other people just out of perfunctory... rote gestures.
Your son is frustrated.
I would concentrate on helping him express himself, to know his feelings, the words for it... and that he CAN TELL YOU how he feels... no matter what... without having to feel, like he is good or bad because of it.
That he is accepted for 'who' he is... not just it being about how he reacts to you or how he repeats rote expectations of manners.
Also, in the mornings, I used to HATE when my Mom... woke up and would do that to me. She was only happy if I responded to her like the way SHE wanted me to respond. BUT... she didn't even "know" me.... at all.... nor who I was as a person.... she just focused on how I should act or react or say or not say... the "proper" things...
Ugh.
Also, kids do not need high praise for every.little.thing.they.do
Sometimes, just let him be... let him FEEL his own accomplishments... and his own reactions to it. Not being told how he "should" react.
Let him be and do, and be himself.
My son... will even tell me "Mommy... don't say anything. I just want to play. That's all." Or he will tell me... "Mommy, don't interrupt... I was wanting to do my own idea..."
And he's not being 'rude'... he is just being himself with his own ideas and his own exploring and his own type of play and figuring out things... ON his own. Which is GOOD.
Kids need... NOT be 'nagged' about every little thing or praised or told that everything they do... is 'nice', 'good', or given a high five. Sometimes.... it is just... not meaningful that way.
Kids aren't robots.....
You said that "once discussed, he got all the right answers... like he wants us to be happy, have fun, etc."
BUT... a child should not have to feel.... they are a perfect being. Trying to be SOOOOO "perfect" all the time... for their parents... can be really burdensome. For the child.
Your son seems very bright and a great child... but he is trying to do what 'you' want... but he is not being, himself.
Do you see?
That is why he is basically getting fed up.
I can relate to him. My Mom was like that.
INSTEAD... I would encourage you to try and develop a "relationship" with your child... NOT based on "performance" or how many questions he got correct or how many times he gets a positive reinforcement or praise. Just let him... be. And learn about "him"... and what HIS interests are/his talents/ his ideas/his feelings....his OWN ideas....
Get to know HIM....
because right now... it does not seem like he can be himself.
And he is just acting as he thinks you want him to be.
Which is NOT good... for a kid... or for anyone. In the long run.
I can TOTALLY relate... to your son. Because my Mom was that way. In the long run... I was NOT close to her at all. She never knew who I was as a person, nor respected my uniqueness or my OWN personality. Only until I was an adult... and she got older... did she really become more aware of these things.
all the best,
Susan
I think you've gotten some outstanding advice to give your son more space. To help understand why praise doesn't always have the result we think it ought to, read this illuminating article by Po Bronson, author of Nurture Shock:
How NOT to Talk to Your Kids: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
And then for the most positive possible ways to talk to him, you'll never find a better, more practical or informative book than How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.
This sounds familiar. We too give praises when apropriate yadda yadda but there are times when our 3 yo turns and wants to hit and says "i want you to cry". Our most trying times are when he accidently hurts himself (tripping, running into something, etc...) he goes to the nearest person and hits them like it was there fault. We have tried many things at home to get him to express his emotions with words but at this point we are turning to speach and pathology therapy. He is a very loveable, happy, playful boy but these spouts are not pleasent. I want to make sure that if we are not able to get him through this ourselves then we have the best tools to help him cope for the rest of his life. Emotions run high for these little people. Some are good at expressing their emotions and others may just need a little more help. Keep us posted if you find anything that has helped your son.
Take care.
I suspect he does not need praise for everything he does. He will learn to do things for their intrinsic value/satisfaction, not because it pleases you (which is what praise teaches). There are not right answers about wanting to be happy, wanting you to be happy etc. I would try acknowledging when he seems excited about something or does something new (like 'wow, I see you cleared your plate, thank you for helping' or 'that's a really colorful/detailed/interesting painting, can you tell me about it?') rather than good job, great painting, etc.
Good luck. It's a difficult habit to break but it is worth it. (plus your adult friends will greatly appreciate the decrease in 'good jobs' that likely peppers all your conversations)
D.
He may just have a different kind of temperament. My daughter can have odd reactions to things too that go against what you think a child would want. For example, we took pics of her at a play today and when we were looking through them to put one up on our computer background I thought she'd want the one of her smiling with the princess. She wanted the one where she was throwing a fit after the play when we had to go home and she wanted to hang out with the cast more. Lol--we call her our little curmudgeon or little grump. She'll tell us, No I want to be sad! sometimes. Every child is different. Sometimes children likes yours don't respond as well to constant praise for things that don't need to be praised. Pull back on the praise on every thing and maybe ask how they he feels after doing such and such. As for the throwing the jacket to the floor response, he is trying to get attention for doing negative things. Something like that where no one got hurt I would ignore or simply say when you want to be friendly with me let me know but I don't want to talk to you when you act that way. When he throws his plate to the floor, calmly let him know that is not appropriate and he will be cleaning it up himself. If he refuses, send him to time out or a location where you do not give him anymore attention until he has cleaned up the mess and apologized. My daughter has the most ridiculous tantrums when she hurts herself and I try to check and see if she is alright. I never even overreacted when she would hurt herself either. She just went through a long phase where hurting herself made her angry and made her want space not comfort. I pulled back and would just calmly say while barely looking at her, "When you want me to help me let me know" She'd then run to me for comfort. Finally the yelling and screaming when she is hurt that she is not hurt and for me to go away have stopped. Hope this helps--you are not alone:)
hmmm...perhaps he finds all the praise patronizing?? not real?? could be his way of struggling for a little independence? don't over praise??
perhaps he'd like to see more of a variety of emotions from u??
dd
Just to add, my son would do these weird behavior things when he was going through an intellectual growth spurt. In other words, he would act weird for a few days (or weeks) and then mysteriously stop. Afterwards, he "got" more than he did before. Call it a phase and go on. :o)
Hello, Not being there, I can only go by what I am reading. It sounds like your son is getting a lot of attention for his behavior. I would say what needs to be said one time and then let it go. He will pick it up. Children usually work off of our actions. If you continue to ask the same question, he will be frustrated and overreact. If he has a bad reaction to what you say (once) then I would leave the area he is in. In other words, go into another room. That way, he gets no attention for negative behavior. I have seen children who just don't appreciate the constant praise. I would tone it down a little. He knows he is loved and can do well.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.
Does he go into time out when he reacts like this? He kind of sounds like he wants to get in trouble sometimes. Maybe back off the praise a little and see what he does. You don't have to be negative or upset, just do a little less. Maybe it's the constant repetition. He is three so he is also testing you. My kids never had 'terrible twos'. They had 'terrible threes'. Don't stop diciplining, they still need boundries.
i would honestly consult his doctor about this. yes three year olds are emotional and can be moody, but switching on a dime like that when apparently nothing has happened may be cause for concern...only his pediatrician can tell you though.
It's just tantrums. It's a rumor that if you always give positive reinforcement for everything your kids will learn to be happy and nice. I don't know any kids who this works for. The tantrums do not always have some logical reason why they're sad, they usually just feel like acting out. All kids do it if they're allowed. You need to discipline the tantrums, so he knows there is a negative consequence for wrong actions and a positive response to right actions.
Has he recently had any type of strep throat/virus or early illness as a baby? Read about PANDAS Syndrome.
