Trouble Discipline a 3 Year Old..

tear them legs up! because obviously time out is not working for her. Dont beat her but that behind and those legs a few times and sit her doen let her know what she did wrong and tell YOU BETTER NOT MOVE! and mean it. my 3 yo gets out of hand and i know i do not feel like playing his tantrum games so i just get with him real quick show him i'm the parent then we go on about our business. good luck

Sounds to me like you might be too invested in winning the battle, when what she needs from you is some compassionate understanding. Little kids are not programmable widgets; they have real, legitimate, undeniable feelings to contend with. You're bigger, so you can eventually "win," but that could come at great cost to your relationship with your adorable daughter.

There are peaceful, bond-deepening alternatives to most timeouts, and you can learn these techniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Read a sample of this here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I hope you'll sense the possibilities.

But if one chooses to use timeouts, the ideal is to help a child learn to control himself, not to be controlled by outside forces (even if the force is a well-intentioned parent).

Ideally, a time-out is NOT PUNISHMENT, and therefore, it's not important that the child sit quietly for the full minute-per-year. It is only important that she realize that she must be in control of her emotions/behavior to continue her play. (Of course, this will take practice. None of us change instantly.)

Once a power struggle ensues – in which a parent repeatedly drags a child back to the time-out spot to start the clock again, the exercise becomes punitive to both parent and child. The original point of the time-out has been completely lost on the child, and she just feels the whole thing is unfair. So she ramps up her emotions and resistance.

Now it's merely a power struggle, an entirely different dynamic than "Let's give you some time to be in control of yourself." Instead, it has become, "I need to conquer you." This is really unacceptable news for a spirited child, and unfair, because the child had no possibility of avoiding consequences for parental decisions made on the spot.

So, the ideal time-out gives the child a minute or so to calm down, perhaps realize her behavior was undesirable, so that she can re-set himself and resume play. And with the ideal time-out, the child is more likely feel protected and assisted in her growing up, not embroiled in a continuing power struggle that leaves bad feelings for her to deal with.

My best to you. This is a challenging age for both child and parent. The good news is, you have the tools to make it a win for both sides.

I 2nd Peg M.

That book is great... "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk."

Also, is she getting praise for anything?

Offer her 2 chances to "redo" something you are not pleased with... thereby giving her some ability to evaluate and problem solve... good skills for a child to learn... WITH your help.
Be a "TEAM" with her.... to solve something... or a behavior. Let her express herself too... not just censor her.

Don't punish for everything across the board.
Parents make mistakes too. Sometimes my Hubby scolds my daughter for something... but it was his fault. Because he mistook her actions/explanations for something. Then she felt jilted. He did NOT let her explain. She was even once doing something FOR him... and he assumed she was making trouble, she wasn't. She felt hurt. And then tantrumed. Her tantrum was then an expression of hurt and frustration... because my Husband just assumed something about her that was not correct.

Ditto EVERYTHING Peg M. said.
Wise words and advice.

All the best,
Susan

First, 3's are a hard age! They can do so much, yet understand (reasons & logic) so little. They have power without wisdom behind it.

I practice discipline as "teaching". I focus on meeting the goal, not punishing when it isn't done. The boundaries are kept. My rules are followed. However do not set things up as a win-lose situation. In the long run, this enables kids to develop internal controls and guidance instead of relying on whether an adult (or authority figure) will find out -- or if the punishment is "worth" whatever it is she wants to do. She will choose to do something because it is the right thing to do.

If this sounds interesting, the How To Talk book already mentioned is a good place to start. You can also look up Positive Discipline or Gentle Discipline. Note the "Discipline" part is still VERY strong. Limits are not lacking. It's a different way to go about things, but it's so cool and keeps your family very close, bonded, and tight-knit.

Good Luck! Toddlers are tough!!!

L.

I am not a psychologist, doctor, whatever ...just a mother of twin girls that are 7 now and I remember those day all too well but the other suggestions of "locking" them up to me sounds a little too harsh and unhealthy. Could that not create some sort of clausterphobia or even worse feelings of abandonment issues? I always have felt that my daughters should know that they have access to me at all times. I will surely close a door but to lock it? No way... would if something really happened and they needed me?
Of course my daughters never attempted that I used the rule of three strikes and you are out. I give them three opportunities to decide if they will stop the certain behavior I am not too pleased with. I would even count 1, 2 and 3. By the third time there was a swat on the butt-eventually they learn that three means business and eventually the swats on the butt faded. I am not suggesting you beat her by any means but the time out thing to me was sort of pointless. If I ever used the time out method I would put them in their bedrooms and close the door and let them know how long they had to be in there with a timer. IF the door opens then you got more time or something taken away from you. My children DO NOT have any toys in their bedroom. The bedroom is for sleeping or naps. They have a playroom with all their toys so sending them to their bedroom now even makes them cringe. They hate it because there is nothing for them to do besides "think" about what they have done.
If all else fails threaten that you are going to call "daddy" on the phone and tell him she is mis-behaving or that you are gonna call 1-800-SANTA and tell him that she is being naughty. I am the threat queen of my two kids and for the most part it works but I know with some children it doesn't. I have actually picked up my cell phone and pretend call and they will start to cry No mommy please don't call Santa!!! I don't know if it is "right" of me to do and I can see how some could disagree with me because there isn't really a follow-through method on the threats but that is all they are-threats and usually with my kids I don't have to follow through because they don't want me to tattle on them to Santa! Now I don't know what I will do when they finally discover that Santa is Me and my husband but I guess I'll go down that road when we get there but for the most part I haven't had to use that threat for a very long time. I guess over time they just learned at a certain point I have had enough and that I mean business when I speak. Just imagine having two of her to chase after-lol! There were many times that I had to seperate my two in different bedrooms. One in their bedroom and the other one in mine. You are just going to have to try different methods to see which one she responds to the most. Taking privelages or toys away seems like it disturbs the kids more than anything else and I use that one very very often. You just have to take away something she enjoys and cherishes at that age. Mine are 7 now so there is quite a bit more for me to take away...computer game time, t.v. their Nintendo DS and worst of all sending them to their bedroom!

Locking herself in her room? Next time she does it, take the door off. Keep if off until she's listening better. She's got to know she has to listen to Mommy too, not just Daddy. I'm sorry, I know it's probably harder than I can imagine dealing with your husband being on deployments. Good luck!!!

I think at age three children have pretty good reasoning skills. I had a daycare provider that used the naughty chair for time out. I thought that was an excellent idea!! I also had wonderful success with counting. It would drive my dad crazy but he wanted to rule with an iron fist. I would calmly tell the child that I would count to five and I wanted them to pick up the toys, etc... It gave them the control of the outcome. If it didn't work then I would give them the choice of having a time out in the naughty chair or on the bed. At this age kids really are starting to grasp the sense that they have some control of their lives. Never start a battle of the wills with a child because they will win. They want to be a helper at this age. Make them your special helper. Your daughter is becoming her own person and you need to recognize that and you will go through the same thing over again in the teenage years. Good luck!!

Maybe try taking something away (Like a favorite toy) every time she is bad for an extended period of time or until she apologizes for whatever she has done. Eventually she will get tired of losing her toys (Or at least get tired of apologizing all the time). Make sure to reward her everything she is being good. It doesn't have to be with a present every time, just a "good job" would probably be appreciated.

Look at www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. The time out method has worked wonders for my two kids. The program tells you to time your kids out in the bathroom (childproofed) and if they play with anything they shouldn't they get more time. It's been good because my kids don't see me, and I don't see them. They are isolated and getting no attention. Check it out and see if this is something that you like. Good luck!

The key to having your child respect your requests is that they have a lot of respect for you. Parents earn their child's respect by spending lots of positive time with them. So I would make an effort to play games and do crafts with her on a daily basis. I especially recommend a game of tag out in the yard or hide-and-seek in the house. If she likes a cat-and-mouse game [you chasing her back to time-out], let her get her 'fill of it' in a positive way. She might find that she enjoys it so much more when your happy with her.

Remember, the point of time-out is to send a message to your child that you disapprove of her behavior. She is not getting a chance to focus on this idea because of the cat-and-mouse game that the two of you are getting into. So I suggest that you let go of time-out for a while, and instead have a simple talk w/ her when she has misbehaved.

For example you might say... 'Uh, oh!! Oh, no!! Amy, your toys could break when you throw them. Then we would have to throw them away. That would be sad.'

When you use time-out, if you put her in her room, let her lock the door, and then walk away. The idea is that she sits quietly and calms down. It doesn't matter if she locks the door or not. The first time you try it, she might wonder why your not trying to get the door unlocked... so then she comes out looking to taunt you to chase her... and the cat and mouse game continues.

You may want to also reevaluate what you are using time out for. You may be able to just tallk with her instead, and save time-out for the worst of the worst behavior.

She knows she is able to "wear you out". The only way to get her to understand that you are serious is to make a commitment to be consistent. Until you feel that you are physically and emotionally ready to do that, it won't work. It makes it even harder that you are having to do it on your own, (since it sounds like your husband is frequently away), but consistency is the key. If you don't get a handle on it now, once she goes to school, it will be even more difficult.

And you are going to have to keep putting her back in time out when she gets out. Reverse her door knob so she can't lock herself in her room. You are mommy and daddy in a sense and will have to get tougher on her. Children of military families know how to work your emotions better than other kids I swear! Daddy is gone, you are sad, she is sad and she is going to run you over if you let her and it will only get worse the older she gets. She is old enough for groundings, grounded for the TV, special toy, etc. Take it away for 24 hrs. Another mom suggested a pop on the bottom, go for it. A meaningful pop on the butt never hurt any child and it will let her know that you mean business and she needs to take you seriously. After a while, the pops are far and few and so are the time outs because she will take you seriously and listen to you and behave properly.

Good luck!
S.-SAHM to a 9 yr old DD and a 3 yr old DS and whose hubby is active duty Marine Corp.

It sounds like you're in a cycle of power struggles - those can be tough to handle, especially with a 3-year-old. Especially a 3 y.o. who's probably missing her daddy and doesn't understand it all.

I also think Pam made some excellent points, and while I agree that her book suggestion is an excellent resource, it's geared for parents of older children. For a 3 year old, I would HIGHLY recommend Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, by Jane Nelson.

Nelson's methods will teach you how to be both firm and kind at the same time, and most importantly, how to avoid power struggles. My older son's school (Pre-K to 8th grade) uses the Positive Discipline model as it's comprehensive system of discipline for the entire school - every teacher gets training in it, every parent is instructed to read the book, they have frequent workshops, etc.

Time outs aren't good for dealing with tantrums, although it's better than hitting (popping or spanking) or taking off doors. (Of course, the same argument could be made that hitting a young child is better than shooting them -- but that's hardly a ringing endorsement for hitting.) If a child is REALLY having a meltdown, they aren't in control of their emotions. You have to get them past the drama, back in control of their emotions before you can hope to reason with them and get them to understand what you're trying to correct.

How many children, when ordered in to a timeout, even when instructed to "think about what they did wrong" REALLY think about what they did wrong? There's no great enlightenment that's occurring, just stewing in anger, or worse, plotting revenge. Seriously think about it, imagine yourself in her shoes. Have your husband pretend you are the child and order you into a timeout - or even just look in the mirror and do it, with the same tone of voice and scowling expression. Does it make you want to be a better person?

You don't HAVE to make a child feel bad in order for them to do behave well. In fact, while the fear of punishment will buy you some short-term obedience, in the long-term it WILL set you back. It's not teaching kids to be kind to others, to act ethically or fairly or do what's right. It's teaching them to watch out for their own behinds and that it's OK to hit people smaller than you, even if you love them. Ouch!

And children who are hit tend to hit other kids. My kids play with a 6 year old boy who gets spanked by his mother, so the kid thinks it's an appropriate way to correct a younger child. So my 3 year was playing with him and did something wrong, knocked down some blocks or something, I don't even know if it was on purpose or not, and the next thing I know, this 6 y.o. kid has MY 3 year old over his knee and he's spanking him shouting "No! BAD!" And what does this boys' mother do when SHE hears about this? She REALLY wailed on his backside then and grounded him for weeks on top of it! Seriously! Talk about a mixed message! We can do better than this, folks.

Good luck!

It is okay if she locks herself in her room. There should not be anything in there that can hurt her, and if it calms her down, great! My daughter did the same thing and actually fell asleep. I guess she needed a nap:-)

For time outs - When you put her in timeout have an old fashion timer with the dial and do not set it until she stopps throwing her fit. Once she is done then start her time. She is testing you, and she has to know YOU are in control and not her. I have experience with this, and it seemed to work for us!

Best of luck to you!