Troubled Teen

Don't immediately assume it is an adoption issue. We recently attended a training session on this and there are so many issues with being a teenager and not all are attributable to adoption. This lady was awesome speaking on the topic. maybe she can help or give you a referral to assist you.• Catherine Weigel Foy, MSW, LCSW, LMFT, is Coordinator of the Adoptive Families Program at the Family Institute at Northwestern University and Clinical Instructor, Department of Psychology, Northwestern University ....Good Luck!!!!

We adopted our grandson at age 7 though we had been primary caregives from birth to 4 and then 6 to present (18). The year he spent with stepmother left many issues which he, and we, have had to learn to live with. His teen years have been troubling. Basically, we have a good relationship and that has saved all of us. It is very difficult to be a teen today and I don't say that lightly. They have so much thrown at them and they don't know how to handle it. The world is very different today than when you were a teen. Aceept that. I have been researching the subject and found studies showing that kids who have been adopted may be going through the grieving process and acting out because they don't know how to express their grief, even though it may be years later. Speak to the counselors regarding this. For whatever reason you adopted her, there had to be some loss on her part that she did not understand. We have been through a few counselors and most of them have been good, but could not help him. You have raised two other kids so you know what you're doing. Don't be afraid to confront the counselor if her behavior is not improving. My basic belief with my bio kids (3) and my grandson is to let them know I love them, no matter what they do. However, my love for them does not allow them to be abusive, or behave in any negative way. I make it clear that I will not allow that. Tell her how much you love her, especially when she is acting out. She may be "testing" you because she is afraid you won't love her. Always remember that she is not doing this on purpose. She doesn't know how to do it right. I have read studies and seen films on teen behavior and they state clearly that while we might want them to be a place to make the right decision, they may not be there. It is up to us as parents to set the structure they desperately need. Good luck with your meeting.

L., I think you handled it perfectly.

Sounds like you also need to have family counseling.
Do you meet with her counselor along with your husband at least once a month? And do you meet with the counselor, you and your husband and daughter at least once a month? And does the whole family meet with the counselor once a month?

Regular therapy (talk therapy) works for a while, but I found that EMDR therapy really gets to the core of issues quicker, and they resolve in an unconscious way. I highly recommend Rita Weinberg who I went thru therapy with and mentored me during my training. You can look her phone number up in the white pages in Glencoe on Vernon Street. She is a master at many modalities and uses what is best for the client, making the decisions along the way with their input.

If you decide to take this route after investigating this type of therapy, your daughter would have to be consulted and make the final decision.

M.
former professional counselor
www.super-science-fair-projects.com

I agree with several other posts, I would have her evaluated for a defined mental health condition such as bipolar. Also adoption is always hard on a child and at 3 that is bound to cause attachment issues. I would definitely find professional psych help. The cradle should be a good resource.
Another thought, as an adoptee and as someone who has become familiar with the "Endzone" approach to parenting, sometimes more traditional parenting - timeouts, go to your room put separation and distance between you and your child. Instead of learning anything from the "go to your room" the child broods in the timeout and nothing very beneficial is gained. I realize in this particular instance, you needed space. But you might read up on relational based parenting, which is a lot of work but possibly has long term better results. Books such as "Smart Love" and Alfie Cohen's books and "Positive Discipline." You need to try to get your daughter to discuss where her thoughts are and why.

L.:

I have a 15 year old who has the emotional ups and downs. She lashes out verbally not physically. I think she is bipolar as it runs in my family. She is seeing a psychrist and a therapist, she is taking medicine and there is a great difference. We are on the third prescription, because the first two made her sick. Since your daughter is adopted, you probably do not know if it runs in her birth parents. Just a thought.

T.

wow. i've been a foster parent to teens for about 5 years now, that's about all i can say. and send you big hugs! keep up the good work!

otherwise, are your other children adopted? if so, perhaps your 13 year old can talk to one of them? if they are not adopted, does she have a good relationship with either of your older children? she may still be able to talk to them some.
how long has she been in counselling, and does she like and trust her counsellor? that is really important to both the teenager and to the success of the counselling. if she's not hitting it off with this counsellor, or if the counsellor is reporting to you what goes on in the sessions, it may be time to find a new counsellor.
have you tried family or group counselling? that might help the two of you get better with your own communication.
how is your communication with her? when she comes home from school obviously upset do you let her say "nothing's wrong" and go shut herself up in her room? or do you give her some space and then ask again until she talks to you? it sounds like she has a lot of general anger, which is then safe to release on you as her mom, but it also sounds like she may be angry with you because of...???? the most common thing i've come across is that the parents "don't care" - ie, the kids say "nothings wrong" and the parents leave it at that thinking the kids want space, when really the kids wants someone to care enough to pry it out of them. otherwise, i have generally said that it's ok to hit and break THINGS, but never ok to hit or threaten people in the house. and we've had our share of broken stuff! i think that your response was good along those lines, although perhaps you could go back to her in the future and try to talk to her after the fact -- telling them how I feel in the situation generally has gotten them going, as they either then understand how they acted or they angry enough that i misunderstood them to talk!

best of luck, keep it up!

Is she in a youth group at your church? Because the youth pastor should be able to give you some advice on different actions you could take.
You could also talk to some of her teachers or counselor and see if she is acting out at school. Something may have happened to her and she may feel that you were not there for her and that is why she attacked you.
Is your 18 year old still in the home? If so, ask if he or she has seen any actions that would call for stronger measures.
You also could talk to some of her friends parents. Homes that she visits on a regular basis to see if they have seen any unusual activities.
She may just be going through some issues with the idea of being adopted or wondering about her biological parents. But I would watch really close for signs of depression or really strange behavior. (Coming in late at night; Locking herself in her room; change in music she is listening to; change in friends she has; these could all be signs of drug use or sniffing)
I would suggest you tell her therapist about this and see if he can enlighten you.

Best of Luck..

Check out and see if she is acting out at school too. If so, find out when and how, as well as how often. That might give you some answers or at least clues. If she is in a typical educational setting (typically developing peers) they might have a behaviorist on staff who could teach you some techniques to use in your home that will help your daughter calm herself, while keeping you and your family safe. A safe room is wonderful, but there are techniques you can use that can lessen physical behaviors that could harm you,while at the same time help to physically calm her.

Something else to consider, your family may benefit from an "all family" approach to counseling. Your little girl's behavior has an impact on all of you. Counseling might help you all to understand what's going on as well as help you all to deal with it.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

Hi,
I am so sorry for you to have to go thru this with your daughter. It sounds like she doesn't respect you. Where did she pick up on the disrespect. She will need to re-learn (asap) that this will not be tolerated. I suggest that you start introducing her to God and church. There she can learn what God teaches about parents, and how they are to be treated , as well as children! This is found in the New Testament, (Proverbs). It's never too late to train your children and yourself. Sometimes God is the very last hope. This kind of violence , is very serious, Deal with it now! Pray for a peaceful relationship and much wisdom!!!!!!!!God bless you my sister.
J.
P.S. Your husband should support you in every aspect, it takes both of you to make this change. your hearts must be unified!!!

i have no advice for you--sounds like you're doing everything right. i just wanted to let you know that i think you're very strong and a wonderful mother. my thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.

I am the mother of three adopted children and worry about their teen years also. They were all adopted at birth so it's a bit different. However, I know there will be adjustments. I am no expert but do a lot of reading and we are pretty connected to the adoption agency we used, The Cradle. They do a lot of post placement education.

One thing that reading your letter reminded me of was that your daughter may have some oppositional defiant disorder issues. They are seen frequently in "older" adopted children. I say this because my sister was just talking to me about it. She met someone who has started a counseling center at St. Louis Univ. specifically for older or internationally adopted children. They are looking at attachment as well as oppositional defiant disorders.

I hope I'm not preaching as I don't mean to. I'm just relaying things I've read or heard that you might explore. My oldest sounds so similar to your daughter (she's only 6 1/2) right now, and I often wonder what she'll be like as a teenager. Please use what I've written in any way you wish.

I hope that it's just teen angst and wish you luck.
K.

All that I have to say will only be pieces of this puzzle, you are going in the right direction with couseling. You are a separate person from her and your M. is not her M., so don't compare her to you--ever, I mean not even in your emotions. You will be less upset and devastated by what she does if you do not expect her to be like you. Go with the flow, nothing is the end of the world, don't let yourself worry about the future, "Today has enough worries for itself, so do not worry about tomorrow." Are you relligious? A strong relationship with the loving God who created the universe and has "counted the hairs on your head" and "knows when the sparow falls to the ground" will see you through this. Look for inspirational material. When you adopted you surely considered that your daughter came with a set of genes from her parents, can you find out anything about them? Finally, accept her , don't judge, don't be shocked, and try to get to the bottom of her tantrums. Don't take what she did personally, she is not rejecting you, and you are the adult, get ahold of your emotions (with couselling if necessary) so you can be an example to her of life beyond roller coaster emotions.

dear lyn, first of all this is neither her fault or most importantly it's not your fault. i too have a daughter with issues and no one can understand this unless they do. when you are both calmed down in a random moment when you are interacting broach the subject with out sounding like you are attacking her and ask her how she felt about the whole episode. then ask her what she needs from you as a mother. each child needs different things. what means "love" to her? when she gets like that have a safety plan to protect her and yourself. when my daughter would meltdown i wouldn't even let her close the door to the bathroom so she didn't hurt herself. Emotional issues are just as real as other child hool diseases. people would not judge a child who has brain diease. this can affect mood and behavior too. just remember she hates behaving like that too. what ever you do don't let docs put her on antidepressants it can actually make her worse. visit abpf.org (adolecent bipolar foundation) i'm not saying your daughter is bipolar but there is alot of info on this web site and it relates to all sorts of kid emotional issues. the bipolar child is also a great referance to. Be blessed. prayers are with you. from a mom whose been there.

It does not follow that she is "this way" and will get worse as she gets older. Even with the horrible mood swings we all get during adolescence, kids can learn to manage them. Counseling is a good idea; it might be a bit of an adoption issue. I have two adopted stepkids and they are still, I believe, dealing with feelings of rejection, and they're in their 30s! My stepdaughter acted out in a way that we (my husband, his ex-wife and me) felt sure was calculated to get us to say, "You are bad; we wish we'd never adopted you." But we would never say it because we didn't think it, even in our most private thoughts. She said years later it really helped, knowing we always loved her no matter what. She tried to pit us against each other, too, but we didn't buy it. You have to be tough and loving at the same time, which feels exactly like being split down the middle. I think you handled it perfectly. But don't compare her with yourself - you grew up with your own set of values, baggage and inhibitions, good and bad, so it's completely different from what's going on in her head.

I think you are taking the right steps. Be consistent, patient and give her plenty of love.

I am so embarrassed to say it, but I hit my mom (biological) once when I was about 15. I regretted it almost immediately and still feel embarrassment and regret. Moms and daughters have a tough time seeing eye to eye during the teen years. It is a hard time in life for young women, especially with hormones and all. My parents divorced when I was 11 and our family life after that was pretty dysfunctional. At the time, I was taking a BCP for endometriosis, which I discovered years later had a much too high estrogen level for someone of my small stature and sent me on an emotional roller coaster once a month well into my twenties. Sometimes I wonder if this didn't have something to do with my behavior that day.

Anyway, chances are your daughter is embarrassed about what she has done, too embarrassed to even bring it up to apologize. I know I was.

If she has never hit you before - this is just an Event. Not a good event - just an event in your life that has no basis for what she will do at 16. Sounds like you handled it very well and sent the message that THAT kind of behavior is not accepted. Your husband getting involved and backing you is important, too. Tough love - it's good you're strong. Adopted or not....13 year old girls are tough to deal with, at times. The only thing I'm questioning about what you wrote is that she SHOULD know at this age that "this was wrong to hit you"......I'm really hoping she was remorseful over this event. Time will heal & counseling and the advocacy center, I'm sure, will lead you in a better direction. So sorry that happened to you.

I can only give advice as an adoptee myself. While I was adopted at birth, I still had attachment demons and emotional problems to work through during my adolescense, so its not just the older adoptees. There was only one time I got physical with my mom, but the circumstances were a little different. I said something horrible to her, she slapped me, and i hit her back. (I absolutely deserved the slap, no question and no hard feelings only remorse for how I hurt my mom.)

You should meet with her counseler over this but probably not with your daughter present. If it is a joint session dont be surprised if the counseler "takes her side", or if that doesnt happen, your daughter may not want to see that counseler again. Trust with teens in this situation can be tricky. When a teen is in a situation like this they can really feel ganged up on by adults and get more angry rather than remorseful. You did the right thing, sending her to a "time out" to calm down as well as taking one for yourself by sending her to bed is a great place to start. Next step is to taker her out to talk about it by yourselves. Dont do it at home, to avoid a flare up. Dont be accusatory, but speak to her as an adult, and about how you can help her control her anger. She's old enough to know it's a problem.

Part of the ups and downs could be her way of reaching out, then pushing away so she doesnt get too attached..., she may be looking to see how far she can push you before you dump her too.

Then, (i hate to say this because it seems like rewarding bad behavior, but It could help bridge the gap even for only a week)take her to do something special like a mani/pedi, or lunch and shopping, or lunch and a movie. Dont give her the choice, just tell her to get dressed and its a surprise. Bond with her. Dont talk about the event at that time, dont talk about grades or chores, talk to her about friends, and boys or anything that interests her this week. Most of all dont judge. She needs to know that you still love her and care about her interests. Plan these outings monthly, and dont take them away as punishment, cause in the long run it will be punishing yourself. Take her out once a month whether she's good or bad, and dont talk behavior, just bond to remind her that love IS unconditional, and not everyone leaves.

This should curb some of the problems. I would get involved with her teachers to find out if she's acting out there, and if so talk to the counseler about it too. then work with her teachers on how you would like to see them discipline her while in class so that there is consistancy.

My mother tried ot get me diagnosed as bipolar, etc, and I was put on three different meds, which I really didn't need and while they calmed me down so I was less of a problem to others, they gave me some very strange feelings, and it almost became a bigger problem towards myself. Unless she truely has a chemical imbalance (which is still really rare) I believe that more often, cognitave therapy is far better and fixes problems more often than through meds. Meds only serve in many of these cases to cover symptoms, but addressing the actual problem is far more important and will help more in the long run so that she doesn't have to spend her life in a stupor. (they tried to tell me I would not be in a stupor....I was so foggy that the year they had me on meds is a blur and I have very few memories of it; none positive). If she's already seeing a counseler medicated necessity disorders should have already been addressed and discussed. based on your post it doesn't seem like that is the issue, and it's purely behavioral.

Now, Honestly, my mom and I weren't sure Id make it through my teen years, 15-16 was really BAD, but once I went to college and saw that there are a lot of kids out there whose lives are soooo different, I called my mom repeatedly to apologize. She and I became really close by the time I turned 20, and now are best friends. I live far away still, though hate that I can't see her every day. If I was closer, trust me I would spend as much time with her as possible because she is truely my HERO! So trust that it will get better, because your daughter is blessed to have a loving and wonderful mom who CHOSE to be HER mom, and she'll recognize that.
Good Luck, and remember that you are doing a great job, and it's not your fault and it will get better.

I don't think it is about her not knowing it is wrong or not. She most likely does know this. It is about what she is going through at age thirteen that is causing her to do this. Since she has emotional issues and throw puberty and all the relational stuff a teen has to go through it is not easy. She lost control and doesn't know how to handle the anger she feels or the sadness she is feeling. You are doing a good thing to go to a counselor to help her sort through her emotional issues and how to handle them in the future. Anger manangement may be something to look into as well.