Two Year Old Restless When I Visit My Friends

I have a friend from prior marriage/kids, she is still single, that I always feel the same way when we try to visit w/ my kids there. So I've just resigned myself that when we are going to spend time together it has to be when my husband is available to watch the kids. I wish that is wasn't that way but we are living different lives now. I don't get to see her as often but that is just the way that it is.

It does give me some time away from being Mom/wife which is nice. I guess as we get older we have to make sacrifices in life. :0)

Good luck!

Any time you want to have a quality visit with your friends, do not bring your child. Period. This is simply a fact of life, regardless of your child's personality and regardless of whether or not your friends have kids or not.

This rule even applies to playdates with your friends and their children. Yes, you can get in a little bit of socializing, but do not expect that you will get an opportunity for an uninterrupted conversation -- ever -- if there are children around.

At this age, children should not be expected to stay "quiet". It is their job to play and interact. Your friend who made the comment that you are the boss was being rude. Do not let her comments make you unsure about your mothering skills.

I figured the friend who told you you're the boss didn't have kids. While it's true that we are the boss, you can't change your child's personality or make her do everything you want her to. She's figuring out who she is, what she likes, etc. You exposing her to different people, places, and things will help her figure this out.

I have the opposite problem with my three year old, she will talk to anyone! This scares me because I have to constantly watch her and warn her about strangers. Sometimes I wish she was shy!

One thing I've done with a boy I nannied was give him a pair of sunglasses. When he was feeling shy he could put them on "so people couldn't see him", then he would take them off when he felt comfortable. This way he felt more in control of the situation, which all toddlers appreciate!

I agree with the first 3 responses – excellent ideas and comments. By all means, leave your daughter with a sitter during a visit like this, if at all possible. Both you and your daughter will be happier. Why would she find a visit among adults riveting at the age of two? Or even five?

I think your instincts are great, and we feel embarrassed and mortified only to the degree we believe old stories about children's place in society, such as "children should be seen and not heard." Is that true, and if not, how do we know it's not?

You can make yourself more comfortable by searching out and thinking through all those traditional stories. Parents should be the boss? Yes, and how should that look in YOUR family? It doesn't have to be harsh, unyielding, or unrealistic. Take what you know about your daughter and her personality, and play her like a beautiful instrument, which she is!

What else do you think you "should" believe or do as a mother? Find out why you thought you believed that, and then explore what you really think, based on your own experience and love. Life's been teaching you a lot over the past two years, yes? And forgive your rude friend. She is appears to be lacking in understanding. Someday she might be embarrassed and mortified for having made that comment.

I never understood why parents give in to their child when they behave like that, I guess it is because my son was never like that. However, I always made sure I brought some of his favoite things with me to play with. Bring atleast 1 toy for every 30 minutes you will be there because their attention span doesn't last that long if even 30 mins. I personally don't think it's a matter of being "shy" I think it's matter of she doesn't want to share mom's time with any one else and used to you entertaining her and not able to entertain herself. Make play dates for her and when it is time for you to go to visit a friend explain to her that it is your turn to visit your friends. She will "get it" if you explain it to her on her level. I also like the Sun glasses idea that someone suggested. But I wouldn't let that be a reason to leave, I would tell her that when you see the sunglasses on you will come to her and set her up in a special place in the room where she can still see you but doesn't have to be right in the middle of everyone, but that you are still going to visit with your friends for a while. I have a friend that when her son wanted to go he would grab her arm and start pulling her out the door. Used to drive me nuts. He was shy at first but I saw him every day and it was just a matter of he wanted to do what he wanted and he was going to make it miserable for his mom to visit. Luckily she didn't let that go on for many visits. Don't feed into her behavior of acting up because kids, yes even two yr olds are very smart and will learn that what she is doing works and will use it every chance she gets.

I hate to say it, but I will anyway. It might be time to find some new friends. It is difficult for those who don't have little kids to understand what it means to be a mom. I'm not saying you should totally drop your friends, but hang out with them in situations that don't involve Mia. It doesn't sound like there was much for her to do in the small hotel room, and maybe she could feel the vibe that it was a grown-up situation.

Join a mommy group, go to storytime at the local library, sign Mia up for early preschool. You'll meet moms with kids the same age as Mia, and you'll probably find that you now have more in common with them than your 'old' friends. I went through this with one of my friends when I had my oldest daughter. Actually we kind of lost touch for a few years, until she had a son of her own.....NOW she says she understands what I was going through and she looks at things with a different perspective.

J., 2 kids ages 4 and 1

Hi A.... I have to defend the friend. I am sure she meant well.Our expectations are different for different people. I think taking Mia was a good choice and the more you do the more comfortable she will become. Little baby steps....increase your visits and make it fun for her. I know my little boy "plays shy" and I give him his space.... but if my friends(Whom have no children or have older kids)will engage him just a little he does better and will get bored and find something else to do.I liked the different toy idea.He packs his backpack and knows that while I am "playing with my friends" he gets to play with his stuff....He is 2 as well.
I guess I would also recommend moms groups that have like aged kids..that way we are all on the same page AND DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE IT IS EASIER TO STAY HOME!!!! I think that saying she is shy is not such a good idea...that can be projected onto her and she will "live up to that". My girlfriend helped me to see that.We forget how smart they are and all the listening they do...Also..I think you handled it fine...believe you me , there is plenty of time to be embarrassed and unsure...with that being said, I have a 17 yr old and just started over. Have fun...it goes so...fast!!!!!

A.,

Your friend was out of line. It may not have been the best idea to take your daughter with you, but if your family's schedule is anything like mine you didn't have any other option. All you can to is encourage her to be polite, but don't force her. Let her know that it's okay to be shy, and give her a place to be "alone".

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I am sorry to say it like this, but she is two. She is behaving like a normal two year old which is no fun for socializn, especially if there are no other kids. My daughter is four and it is still iffy as to whether or not she will behave if there isn't something special for her to do. Although, it is tough now, it does get better.

The mom's below have provided a good dose of pretty consistent advice. My daughter is also a bit slow to warm up (she's 3 and 2 months now)and I would encourage you to do the following:
1. Keep taking her to things that you enjoy (time with friends, and other outings that aren't only for her) and to new experiences
2. Make sure she sees how you enjoy the activities, how you are relaxed and would like her to be part of it, but with no pressure.
3. Tell her it is OK if she wants to stay back and watch or take her time. I would highly discourage telling your child that she is "SHY" and definitely don't talk about your child to someone calling her "SHY" - that is labeling and will not promote positive change but rather she will associate it negatively. If you must say anything, just say "Mia's fine. She likes to take her time and watch a bit." And SMILE at her with all the body language that it's totally OK.
4. Use your maternal judgement; sometimes you may need to cut your outing short a bit. Regardless make sure you tell her something positive about the outing, such as "I really had fun talking with my friends, thank you for coming with me," or "I was proud of you for exploring a new place. Hotel rooms can be large or small, they can have 1 or 2 beds, etc....."
5. If she does interact positively (and courageously for her) in even the slightest way, praise her for that and also talk it up with her again later.
6. One other thing you can do is upon first arriving somewhere new, hold her close (up in your arms) for a while as she adjusts a bit. That may help her feel good about going new places or doing things that are out of her comfort-zone (or that she doesn't want to do). It may make it hard as you place her down, but you can talk to her again and say something like:"I understand it can be hard to do xyz, but you can take your time and I'm here too."

Like many of the other mom's said, you can't fundementally change her personality, but what you want to do is raise her to be confident, adaptable, have a strong sense of self and know that she is loved unconditionally. Hope that helps!

You were in a tough situation. Women without children don't understand and those of us with grown children usually no longer have patience ^j^ Your darling little girl, Mia, is shy. It was really too much to expect her to be among three people she didn't know and in a strange room. Bringing a coloring book and markers was a great idea. I would start taking Mia out to interact with folks more, a little at a time. Mommy groups, library reading groups gor kids, etc. If you start now, kindergarden won't be too hard for her. Don't force the issue, Mia may always be shy to a certain degree. Perhaps the next time friends drop by to visit they can come to your place or have Dad or another relative stay with Mia for a few hours. E.

A.,
Most children get shy in a new environment until they figure out whats going on. It usually takes my kids 20-30min to stop hiding next to my leg or sitting in a corner. Its no big deal. I just keep an eye on them and let them be. they need to just watch and see whats going on. I wouldnt have left unless there was little fingers getting into things constantly or fit throwing. Dont force her to do anything, just set out her activity, tell her its there, and let her adjust. As for your friend, well, all advice from friends is well intentioned but if they dont have kids or theirs are grown they really dont know what it is like (20 years is too long to remember that kind of detail) so take it with a grain of salt. Also, for things like your girls outings you need a babysitter. YOU need that break, that interaction, to be a healthy, happy, well-adjusted mom which is important for your child to have. My children know that Mom goes on girls nights and Daddy goes and plays with the guys and that we have dates. Not alot. maybe once a month, but it is so worth it. Also, children grow by being with someone besides mom so it is good for her too. I am VERY careful who I leave my children with though. Its usually family, or a close friend from church on very rare occations. I hope this helped. Being a mom is hard work, and you are doing a great job!

I think it is simply a matter of, these friends of yours don't understand. It doesn't sound to me at all like your daughter was manipulating you. Yes, they understand how to do that at their age, but this doesn't sound like that sort of situation. I agree that when you go with THIS group, it would be wise to get a babysitter for your little girl, but not because they think you should, but because it will allow you to relax and enjoy your visit and not feel like they are assessing your every move.

I would have been mortified too! My brother does this when he sees my kids act up or be shy or act too goofy. Childless people tend to have this vision of what they think their kids would act like and that a good kid is one that sits quietly and colors for 3 hours straight and never bothers anyone. Guess what? I have one of those. But my other 3 are normal. :) To me, that means that no more than 1(probably less)out of every 3 kids is the perfect, manner-minding, sweet, outgoing but contained, crayon wielding Michaelangelo.

My boys both had a really hard time meeting new people. Even after being around them several times, they would still seek me out for reassurance and entertainment(even if I was only steps away). Let's face it, how fun was it when we were little to just sit all alone with the drone of strange adults in the background with no understanding of exactly how long we would be there. We didn't know if it would be seconds or hours. Why is it so hard for adults to remember what it was like as children. There is nothing wrong with teaching our children that there are times when they will have to yield to what we are doing (which sometimes means boring adult visits). But I also think adults automatically assume that we are giving in to the whims of the child by limiting time spent doing boring things, when in actuality, you taking her and leaving was so kind and thoughtful of you. I think you did the right thing. She did what you wanted for a long period of time (for her), so in return you took her to the home that she loves and is comfortable in. You taught her how to do something nice for each other. She has to go with you sometimes, it is good that you don't force her to do it all the time and that you realize that she won't be little very long and it won't kill us to cut back on adult time a little for the few years they are little kids and only want their parents.

As far as making her adapt to different situations. My oldest daughter was very independent, would go to anyone, do anything, color and be quiet and perfect for hours if I had wanted her to. The other 3 are very normal kids that are always hesitant the first time they do anything. My 3 year old is the shyest kid on the planet until he decides it is something that he really really wants to do. With him, I have to just ignore the fact that he is shy and go in and start doing the thing I want him to do and pretend that he is too little to do it so he'll decide that he does want to do it and it's safe for him. He won't eat anything unless he sees me eating it too. Before too long he is over there telling me to let him do it and then he will eventually get to doing it on his own without me anywhere around. When we leave him to be babysat, he is the same way. He does great with people who take the same approach to it that I do. People who hover over him and coddle him or just try to force him, he won't ever go near again without throwing a hysterical fit. It isn't because he is stubborn (like I've been told by some) it is because he doesn't feel safe and reassured (by example) that it is safe and okay. He is just one that wants my reassurance and as soon as he sees me enjoying the activity, he is okay with it.

On the other hand, this is the only 1 of the 4 that will try anything at home, in his element, and has the best sense of humor and the most natural athletic and artistic talent. I get a lot of parent-pity looks and sneers from people that think I don't know how to control my child. I have to just remind myself that someday he is going to be a great great person and that right now they just don't understand that you cannot force shy children to emerge before they are ready. They are a breed all their own. Force and control make them more resistant and lengthen this phase of their lives. The way you get them to outgrow it is to love them through it and don't coddle them but treat them the same way you would if they were responding to every word you said at home.

Example: Little Susie doesn't want to play blocks with the other kids because she is afraid to. So you pretend you don't see that she is being shy (no: "it's okay sweetie, mommy is right here"). Just go, "Oh hi guys! Can I play too?" Yes, this is where you sit down with them and start playing. Put a couple blocks together and then very non-chalantly ask Susie to hand you the one that is "over by that box" (closeby location). If she doesn't, ask another child to get it. The next time, or so, you can bet she will go get it. Even most shy children do not want anyone interacting with THEIR mom.

It is hard sometimes to do this when it is so nice to feel validated by their clinging hugs, but this is the best way to help them learn how to function in our increasingly crowded world. Even the shy ones will have to grow up and learn to function without us someday. Good luck to you and know that you aren't alone and I know you will do a great job with this! Keep up the great work fellow mom! :)

Just a reminder that most 2 yr olds are still learning to adjust in the big world. the rules change with each year they have. Next time you want to visit with friends trry to have them at your home. That way Mia will be in her surroundings and if she wants to be shy she can at least go to her room to play or where ever it makes her feel safe. She will have her things near by and when she is ready to "meet" your friends she will. As far as for the comment that she is boss....well it's true to an extent....our kids come first and well......we deal and teach and they learn and grow. Kids are bosses because their world is still new and as parents w don't mind. Good luck and Mia will come around in her own time.

It sounds like your daughter did great. She wasn't running around screaming or anything. It sounds like your friends don't have a clue what it's like to have a toddler. Maybe it would work to meet your friends at places Mia feels comfortable like your home or a park. I can enjoy my friends more when we get together in a place where I feel comfortable and don't worry about what my kids will do. We have people over to our house in stead of going to a restaurant or places like that.

I also agree that your friend was completely out of place and rude to make such a comment and I would have WAY less to do with her from that point forward. I see you are very young at 20 so probably really have many friends who are barely out of their teens and on a completely different page in life than you are. Children DO change everything but if you want to socialize with these people, I would have your DH or somebody else watch your child for you. Both of you will be happier and her behavior is NOT abnormal. In fact, she was being VERY good for 2 years old. Some kids would simply get bored and start tearing up the place until Mom either left or the kid got a spanking, neither option good. Right now she is not capable of reasoning that other people have needs, that comes with maturity, actually about age 4.

H.

Oh the memories that brought up. Does this friend have any children herself? In my case, they usually didn't. I feel strongly that you are the parent, you should follow you instincts with your little one, and if you can, try to let comments like that roll off your back. In my case my "little one" is 20 years old now. She is a happy loving confident girl with a close relationship with me. Obviously I didn't break her with all my concern for her happiness and comfort level. I hope this helps...

L.

Does your friend have children? I remember that happening a lot with my daughter, she was well behaved at home then not so good at other people's houses. I think you are exactly right, she is out of her element and everything is new and she is excited and it is hard to sit still and concentrate on a coloring book when there is all that new stuff at your friends house. If your friend has no children then she has no place to talk and try to give you parenting advice, don't let it get to you. There was a long period I didn't take my daughter places becuase I wanted to be invlolved in the conversation. But if it reoccures a lot then your daughter will soon realize that if she is not behaving then you will get up and leave. I think you did the right thing.

I recommend the book "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" by John Rosemond. That isn't to say that she's terrible, but he teaches how important it is for us to teach our children that we do have a life beyond just being their parent, and how to teach them to entertain themselves, so that even if she is being shy, she wouldn't be disrupting the whole event. Try not to be offended by your friend's comment; it will just make you resentful. It's hard for people without children to understand what it's like on our end, but it's also not fair for those of us with kids to disrupt social or public situations and make everyone else agitated or uncomfortable (airplanes, restaurants, public arts/performances, theaters come to mind, as well as casual gatherings). If you have a hubby or close relative who could tend your daughter on these rare occasions when you get together with your friends, then it wouldn't be so awkward. It might be time, as well, to join a MOMS group so that you can develop relationships with other young families.

First off your little ones reaction around strangers is good... Because they are strangers to her, even if they are your friends.
Next time I suggest having them out to your home, or a public place that she might be use to seeing strangers.
You know the comfort level of your little one.
I probably would have let her stay over by herself and went over to talk with my friends. As long as she could see me, and she was not screaming or breaking things.

I have 5 kids, and they range from the child that would walk up to total strangers and hug them, to a child that would not let anyone she did not know anywhere near her.

I also think it is funny how we tell our little ones to "say hi to the nice lady" and then when they get older we say "beware of strangers" Talk about mixed messages.

Good luck
Bev

Hi A.,

I haven't read your replies, but I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that your "friend" is both ignorant and insensitive.

Right now I'm picturing myself as a really small person in a small, strange room full of people way bigger than I am, people I've never seen before, who may/may not have been noisy, excited, and probably were pretty animated in their actions. I'd be wary of people I'd never met anyway(they're strangers, not my mama and daddy nor my family), but I also don't really know what's going on, and these ladies are behaving pretty strangely to me. They're not trying to play with me, or show me their books, or even paying me that much attention, but I'm still a brave, good girl, and just standing over here watching what's going on, and really glad my mama's here because this is all pretty weird to me.

It doesn't sound like your little girl misbehaved at all, but rather behaved in a pretty typical manner for a small child. In fact, I'd be more apprehensive if my child wanted to befriend every single person she/he met(my son was *just* like that!).

I don't think being shy at that age is abnormal at all, especially in a room full of strangers she's never met before, and might not ever see again, at least not regularly. If she was withdrawn or even afraid of people, and it never changed, even after being around the "strangers" often, then I might wonder, but this sounds like a perfectly normal occurence, and neither she nor you did anything wrong. In fact, I wonder did anyone try and befriend your little girl? Maybe they should have tried to include her by letting her see the pictures, and maybe even telling her some stories about when they knew mom before.

If it were me, I'd blow off this supposed friend's comments, and hopefully, when she has kids she'll realize that pretty much all of one's life revolves around them when they come along and will be understanding of them and their needs, and if she already does have kids, well then I hope she's not a tyrant to them.

As far as Mia adapting to different situations, again, I'm sure that once she got to know people and became comfortable with them she'd be fine. Who knows, she may have sensed something she didn't like in these women and didn't want anything to do with them. I always say babies/kids and dogs are very intuitive, and can sense people who aren't very nice. Keep trying to introduce her to new people, check for cues from her as to what kinds of people she's comfortable around, and also, kid friendly situations are a definate must. I'm sure she'll do fine in most situations, maybe will have off days where it seems she doesn't like anyone or just certain people(like we adults have), or there may even be times when she just decides that she doesn't like so-and-so.

Take care,

K. W

That behavior is so typical of a 2 year old. I am sure Mia knows who the boss is. The attention span of a 2 year old is short. You should maybe visit next time without her if at all possible.

We all love our children and want them to feel safe and secure. If I left the conversation evertime my 2 year old broke something or got into the toilet I would never leave the house, or go to a friends. Your freinds were probably just trying to help. Try it again and do something different. Mia doesen't have to make friends if she doesen't want to. She may be content standing by the door until she feels like sitting. I have a neice like that and it drives me crazy but that is just her personality. -Washington

First off, I think that your friends didn't quite mean the way the work came out of their mouths. Your daughter isn't trying to control you. She is just very uncomfortable being around new people. Two of my children where like that, Only worse. If you ease her into more "stranger" contact, as in YMCA or head start has a two year old class I believe. Both of those places you can be there with her until she gets used to it. And you might want to concider doing soon. School is just around the corner for her. But it helps if you ease her into situations that she doesn't like. Oh, And also if you go into a situation like that make sure she know that's it's ok to be "CAREFUL", don't make it into a big deal, but it's ok. You will be there with her. And see if talking about it helps afterward. If she only points out the "bad" things, then point out the "good" things, make sure the talk ends on a good note, with her being happy with the outcome. At least a little happy if nothing else. You have to keep in mind that this is going to happen all through her life. Nothing you can do will change the way she sees new things. But you can help her see them in a different way.

I don't know any 2 year olds who would sit and entertain themselves quietly in a small room while 4 adults talked among themselves. I'm sorry, but I just don't expect that of my kids.

If you do take her to something like that again, it's a given that your attention will be divided while you're there. And if it's important to you to spend the time visiting with the friend, maybe you can get a babysitter next time.

Alternatively, maybe your friends can flex and do something with you that would be more child-friendly next time (think, a walk where your daughter is in her stroller, being occupied by watching things as you walk) and then you can probably visit a little more easily. Good luck, it's tough mixing kids with all-adult relationships. I usually invite my single or non-parent friends to my house - that way they can meet my kids, but then we can have an adult talk while the kids play with their own toys.

My son is four and does the same thing. It takes him until it is almost time to leave to warm up to the situation. He is shy. But it will get better, I promise. Try taking her out more where there aren't judgmental friends around. Some kids are clingy. And yes, it is good to try to get them to not be so clingy, but sometimes it is out of your control. I like all the suggestions about bringing toys, etc. Or just get a sitter!

Just chiming in a bit late, but I also think you did the right thing.

We have a 19-month-old and sometimes we get so excited to take her someplace (the library, a new class) that we forget to let her stand back and "take in the whole scene" before just charging into the room. When we remember to let her scope it out first, she does way better. In your specific situation, that wasn't so much the problem, but in a strange situation that's just when she wants you the most, so it's great you were thoughtful of her.

Some kids do get to be pretty controlling of your time with others--mine doesn't even like me to talk on the phone LOL! My best story though is when we were visiting our sibs-in-law and their little boy, who wanted his mom's attention, turned and asked my husband directly, "John, don't you think it's time to go?"

I agree with your friend. Show her who is boss now. Let her hang out by the door. I have a 5 year old that was the same way and trust me show her your in charge now or it will just get worse. You decide when you do things not her. Who was it hurting for her to be by the door. She will warm up and realize that your not going to change your plans for her. When you left it just showed her that ok if I act up M. will give me what I want. Stand strong and take charge now or you will regret it in the long run.

When my children were that young they took time to adjust to each new situation. My older child would want to stay by me for 1/2 hour even in a play park before venturing out. Both my children didn't automatically adjust to each place I took them.

I don't think you can expect your child to fit into every different place and situation you take her to. I'm afraid you are going to have to except that she will not react or be trained how it would make you comfortable. She doesn't understand that you want to hang with your friends and demands your attention like children do. You have to accept your attention is not going to be focused entirely on your friends because you have a child to take care of and it may not be what your friends are used to but they need to get used to it and be more compassionate. I wouldn't worry about someone telling you how to parent your child that doesn't have any.

I think you definitely did the right thing by listening to your daughter's needs and not forcing her into a situation she's not comfortable with. People without kids might see that as "letting her control you" but that is SO far from reality. It's much more important to take our children's temperaments into consideration when we introduce them to new situations. Some children will jump right in and feel comfortable and many many children are more "slow to warm up" and need extra time to adjust. Your instincts are right on in following her lead in that situation.

I find it really hard as well to keep socializing with my friends who don;t have kids- they just seem to be impatient when we're out and have to stop for the third time to find a bathroom, get out a snack, look at a bug on the sidewalk, etc etc etc! Getting to know other moms with toddlers has made me so much happier than relying on my old friends as much as i used to.

I hope that someday you will feel more confident in your decisions to put your daughter's needs first and not feel embarassed when people make comments like that. I know it's hard, but maybe it would help if you said something like, "Mia sometimes feels overwhelmed in new situations, and as her mother of course my job is to make her feel safe and secure."

As far as "making her adapt" you could try to introduce her to new situations for just short periods of time, with no pressure to stay. But if her personality is just more shy and reserved, it may always be hard for her. (and that's okay!)

Good luck!

Your daughter is doing exactly what she should be doing, and SHAME on your friends for making you feel that way. I'm sorry you had that experience, but please do NOT feel it is about your daughter or that you have to change her. Please read a book about child development and realize that you should not be making her be social and do what adults do. Time shows us who our real friends are, and these people do not sound like people who are capable of understanding your new phase in life. Find new friends and love your daughter.