Update on Daughter and Friend Situation and Question

Darn, I had a response going and it got erased.

I was the one who suggested the "Queen Bees" book. It sounds like this girl is a classic queen bee who is now signaling to their entire group that your daughter is on the outs socially in her eyes.

It is typical that your child is defending her, despite the fact your daughter is realizing this girl's a jerk. Kids are very loyal in the face of parental criticism of another kid, period. Be sure to be very neutral and nonjudgmental in your discussions of this girl -- just point facts out, don't add judgements. Your daughter is getting there on her own.

I would not tell her about the party. A couple of reasons: Your daughter will find out from peers. That will hurt, but let her navigate it with the groundwork you have laid about this other girl's behavior. Another reason not to tell her yourself: She will know you have inside information about her group's doings. That will disturb her and could make her clam up more around you, which is exactly what you do not want. Also: Unless she is seeing girls in this group over the summer, she may not hear about the party for a while, maybe until school starts, and then she may not care nearly as much because she may have realized this girl and her pals are not worth caring about. If she asks you if you knew, I would say (and yes, I know it's a lie): "I knew X had a birthday coming up and was surprised when there was no invitation in the mail or by e-mail, but when we did not hear anything, I figured there was nothing to hear about."

I remember about the small GT class. That is a huge pity. Why do your daughter and this girl "typically pair up for projects"? Your daughter needs to have the strength this fall to arrange another partner before a project and then say, "Sorry, I'm already working with Sally on that project" and stick to it, when queen bee girl insists your daughter be her partner. She really needs to nip the academic partnering in the bud. Also, does the class rotate as different groups to different subjects? (Our GT class does.) If so, talk to the teacher and ask that your child be put into different groups for anything for which they are put into assigned groups. It would be good for your child not to be in ALL the academic subjects AND every "special" like gym, music or art with this girl. I'd also encourage your daughter to do things at school that you know don't involve this girl -- audition for the school play or be in the chorus or take band or whatever, but where this girl isn't around.

I remember that you are the GS leader. Is the whole troop made up of girls from this one school, even this one class? That often creates problems of way too much togetherness (I'm a GS leader too). I would seriously consider telling your coordinator or SU person or whoever helps put troops together that you need new blood from outside ASAP. Surely girls are seeking troops. If things really are as insular as the whole troop being from the same class, -- I don't know what to say. I would not want my daughter to stay in our troop if she were in this situation and I would find it difficult to be a neutral leader if a child like queen bee were in our troop!

Be sure your daughter gets some outside activities that involve kids who have nothing to do with her school. My daughter dances and the kids at her studio aren't from her school so it's a world apart from any social issues at school. At the studio she can be known solely as herself, and as a dancer, not as someone's BFF or someone's project partner or the girl who went to camp with X, etc. Does your daughter have an interest, sport, activity (other than GS) where she is able to have fun, shine, and not have any school-related baggage? That could help her get through the school year next year.

No, don't tell your daughter, what good would that do? If she finds out about it and WANTS to talk to you about it let her come to you. You need to let her work this out on her own. You really need to step back and not be so personally involved with this. She's got YEARS of girl drama ahead of her, and hardly anyone keeps her first BFF, it just doesn't happen. You can be supportive while allowing her make her own decisions re friendships, that's such an important skill for her to develop. And now that it's summer you can also encourage her to sign up for activities where she has a chance to meet new people. A girl with a wide circle of friends is less likely to be made miserable by one or two bad apples.

No, I wouldn't. If she finds out, her emotions will be instructive for her. If you tell her, it gives her opportunities to defend her friend in her own mind.

So sorry this is happening. Did you get the Queen Bees and Wannabees book that was suggested?

Sometimes, kids will have to work things out in their own way and in their own time. Basically, your daughter may not have been hurt 'enough' by this girl yet to warrant her not wanting a relationship with her. Be a sounding board for her, otherwise, let her figure this out on her own.

I wouldn't tell your daughter about the party. It would just upset her more. Maybe you could sign her up for different activities outside of school. That way your daughter would be busy doing different things and not thinking about the "problem" girl. Good Luck

I agree about not telling her, which I have to admit would be my first instinct. I just checked out the Queenbees wannabees book from the library. Seems right on. I looked at your location to see if I had a copy you could be reading ;-).

ETA I also just reserved Queenbee Moms and Kingpin Dads by the same author as I have found in the past the parents were harder to deal with than the kids..... OH It sort of a big deal. Your daughter is navigating a treacherous time. The author compares it to being in a lifeboat on rough waters. I've also come to the conclusion that many adults never leave this world behind and with more tools, power they are pretty darn vicous.

I would be upset for my child. However, keep this in mind.. IF that child is in fact a bit bratty and throws tantrums...Your daughter NOT being invited could be a Godsend.. I mean, who wants to hang out with that type of person.. Your daughter may not see it this way now, but I see this as a blessing .... and not so in disguise.. You also even go on to say how the child is a bad influence and self-centered. Again, all the reasons to NOT want to be around her... at a young age, kids do get past these things.. it may hurt for a time but really, you sound more outraged than your daughter might be once she finds out about the party..
Honestly, every kid is left out at some point. My son wasn't invited to one of his friend's birthday celebrations and truth is... I did wonder why that was.. then after giving it some thought, I let it go as did my son..
kids are more resilient than we sometimes think..

If your daughter finds out about the party on her own, it will be better to use it as a time to talk about her feelings and see whatshisname thinks should happen.

I taught our daughter, our feelings can be hurt, we can be mad, but the best way to handle those that hurt otherson purpose,is with indifference. The more we ignore them and let them think we do not care or notice them, the more they will be bothered, but we will have some control.

Hang in there. We actually heard that author speak when her book first came out.. It is very good for both you and your daughter to read and discuss. Also a good GS project.

Don't tell your daughter. My daughter is in her 30's and it still hurts me when someone is unkind to her. That will never change.

But you can't get involved in the drama. Keep it to yourself - there is nothing to be gained by hurting your daughter's feelings.

I can't think of how telling your daughter about the party would do anything to improve the situation. Perhaps she was accidentally left out. Perhaps the girls had a scuffle and the girl told her mom she didn't want to invite her daughter.

How old are the girls?

While I never had sisters and this was my first shot at something with my older daughter, here is one experience I had and what I did about it:

My daughter has been friends with a girl, L, since kindergarten. They just finished second grade. The girls have had a love-hate relationship since last year (first grade), but this year the relationship dynamics have been tempered by a school counselor. L has a strong personality and my daughter has a "rule-following/play fair" personality. In second grade (this year), I had a feeling L had a birthday sleepover (in December) and did not invite my daughter. That was ok. My daughter was somewhat hurt but she never knew for sure if there was indeed a party. We both let it go. Then, my daughter had an indoor pool party in January. She didn't want to invite L, but I gently talked her into it. My daghter said she didn't want L to "steal" her other friends at her own party. Although I saw her point, I talked my daughter into inviting L. I suggested that she might be sorry that she didn't invite L later, especially if they were getting along at school. I also talked to L's mom about my daughter's fear, and L's mom stayed for the party. The girls all had a great time. My daughter has since let go of trying to be L's BFF, found some other great girls, and is perfectly happy with L as a normal friend.

I think the whole "BFF" thing, by nature, is a little, well, potentially nasty. But I do accept that girls feel safe knowing they have one or two very close friend relationships to count on.

I also think you should not tell her about the party. Because if you make a big point of telling her, she's going to think it's a big deal that she wasn't invited. I mean, it IS really rotten for this girl to exclude only your DD, but it would be better if your DD didn't have to waste her energy dwelling on the injustice of it all. Let the queen bee think she doesn't know or better yet, doesn't care. Just be there and ready to comfort her if she needs a shoulder to cry on. Your DD may already know about the party and just not want to talk about it. I would go ahead and plan something really fun for her at the time of the party, not even mentioning the party. If she has any friends or even cousins or relatvies outside of this group, reach out and and invite somene else nice to join you. If her connections outside of the group are limited, put your energy into expanding her circle away from this girl and this group.