Vacationing While Separated - Is This Insane?

I just went to my 18 yr old daughter's college orientation with my ex-husband (my husband from my 2nd divorce - we have 1 daughter together) - we stayed in separate rooms, but still ate together and hung out together. We even snuck off campus and had a few drinks together. We have vacationed together in the past, we have eaten at each other's homes, he has come to family functions for all 6 of my kids like birthdays, graduations, dance recitals, etc. My 2nd husband is a great guy. I like him as a person. My daughter know that her dad and I are friends - she also knows that we are not meant to be married to each other. We have been doing this for YEARS - from the time she was a little girl. I don't think she ever said that she wished we would get back together. Why would she? Things are so much happier than when we were married and she always felt like she had the best possible family situation.

As long as everybody is up front and honest about what is going on, I think you should go. I definitely would NOT bring up the fact that you are only doing this because it was already booked. I would play up the idea that even though you aren't "together," you like and respect each other and look forward to still doing family things together.

Good luck!

Hmmm... I'm just thinking that it might give them the chance to see (after he's moved out) that you all are still a family and the you guys can be civil.
I don't think it could be a "bad" thing....as long as they understand that this vacation was planned ahead of the decision for him to move out.
Good luck JB!

I say go for it. If everyone knows of the split and the kids even suggested it because it will bring some peace then they wont have any expectations. Especially if you are sleeping in separate rooms. I say learn how to be friends. I know a couple that weren't the best married couple but were the best of friends. (they did eventually end up getting remarried years and years after the divorce) Who knows maybe it will be fun without the stress of being husband and wife.

Often when people get divorced, they tell the kids "we're still your family", "we still love you, our children", and often the parents make the attempt (if circumstances allow) to be polite, supportive and helpful to each other. Of course there are bitter, contemptuous, angry split-ups with things being thrown at the walls, and lots of screaming, but you don't sound as though you're experiencing that kind of split.

And probably, since you have kids, and they have upcoming graduations, birthday parties, important events, weddings, etc., you and their dad will both appear at these events, right? Sounds like high school graduation will be next spring.

This could be setting the stage for future, civil, stress-free gatherings. It might help your high school senior to know that you and your husband can both come peacefully and graciously to important events. And it can help your younger kids know that both parents can be at their birthday parties or school plays.

If you tell the kids that this is a family vacation, but not a reconciliation, but a chance to establish how things will go when the family is together for important events, and that you and their dad will be friendly and the kids don't have to stress about significant family events, this could be a good thing.

Just read Theresa's answer below - where she goes over some of your past posts regarding your husband. So that changed how I felt about vacationing together.

If this is a new development and prior to this it's been really messy (as she suggests with his manipulative behavior etc.) then I'm not sure you're ready. From what she's written it sounds like pretty erratic behavior on his part - just a lot of anger and what not.

If (and only if) you could put that aside for the duration of the trip, AND your kids are OK with this (that's what it would hinge on for me), then maybe .... only with advice and approval from your counsellor.

If this is a new development after a lot of heartache, pain, fighting, and manipulation - sounds like it's not going to be a great vacation. That's just my take on it. I think couples who make this work are very unique people - it's rare. I do know some and I think it's terrific when they can make it work - both be mature and put their feelings aside for the benefit of their children (and themselves) in the long run.

This is pretty new ... and if you feel there is a chance he could slip back into old ways ... I wouldn't risk it. So .. that's how I would answer it. I think one conversation is not enough to really decide if you're both able to handle this without it being unhealthy or dysfunctional for the kids (and more stress for you).

Could you talk to your older kids (the ones in high school) and just gauge their reaction? That's probably the route I would go.

If you're not ready to do this (I know couples sometimes take years to get to this point) - then maybe split the vacation up? I like some of the suggestions below. Or take it yourself with your kids. Sounds like you deserve a good holiday with kids after all this :)

Good luck :)

I think it's good for your kids to see that you can get along like civilized people. It's healthier for them to have a mom and dad who can get along (and vacation together) than for them to have a mom and dad who can barely be civil to each other.

The main reason I never agonized over my parents' divorce was that they were always really pleasant and friendly to each other when they got together. I liked that. You guys are mutually agreeing to the separation/divorce, so I don't think there is any harm in going on a pleasant vacation as a family.

Go for it.

oh, sweetie. i dunno. i mean, yeah, there are a lot of really good reasons to do it, and in many situations it could work out just fine. i can understand why you don't want to forfeit all that money and need the break.
but geez. this has been SUCH a long time coming, and you've been SO ambivalent about ending a relationship that your fans and friends have been concerned about on your behalf. i'm very relieved that you had a reasonable conversation with him, and that some of the terrible tension has eased, but i'm afraid you'll lose the ground you've gained with that close proximity and the weird semblance of 'happy family' that a vacation together this soon will bring.
i doubt the kids will be confused. they're old enough to understand, and as you say, aren't particularly invested in you two staying together.
but this is the man who wants to sever the relationship with *your* kids, and for you to stop having a relationship with your own step-daughter. he's so volatile and unstable. will it really be unplugging to be vacationing with him?
i dunno.
i guess it could work out, but i'm concerned for you. if i were queen, i'd have him hand over the step-daughter for the week, and plan to do his own thing with all the kids elsewhere and at a different time. i think you'll relax and let your hair down a LOT easier if he's out of your radar range.
khairete
S.

It's WONDERFUL that you two had a good, sane, honest, realistic conversation. That's wonderful progress. In light of that progress, the newness of your separation, and your own statements that you have been periodically feeling ambivalent about splitting, it sounds to me like going on a vacation together is more likely to cause confusion, stress, and backsliding on the part of the ADULTS. I can understand that you would love to have the full week there, however it seems too likely to cause problems. Splitting the week (you get 4 days, he gets 3) or you take the kids for the full time and he takes a week some other time seems like the best bet. You could do some kind of nice relaxing stuff in Boston during the other 3 days. Just my conclusion based on what you said. Good luck with it.

One of my nicest vacation memories was when my sister and I, our divorced parents, and my mom's long time boyfriend and HIS daughter went on vacation together. Hotel room wise, we stayed with dad, mom & boyfriend/daughter stayed together. And we all did stuff as a family unit. It was nice because the adults acted like adults.

Do that now. You need to be friendly to keep your kids healthy.

I was all set to say go for it, until I read Suz and Theresa's responses.

It sounds like an okay idea the way it's presented here, and I totally understand not wanting to lose the money and your desire to "unplug," but do you really believe this can go off without a hitch? That he'll not create some drama? If he does, do you and the kids have other things you can do to get away from him during the day while you're there? You'd still have to come back and be around him at night. That doesn't sound like the kind of relaxing vacation you need.

Would you really lose all of the $2000? It's still far enough away that it seems you'd just have to forfeit a deposit. If that's the case, I'd say lose the deposit and make your own vacation without him. It can't hurt to ask. They could probably turn around and rent it for much more to people who've waited to make vacation plans.

I don't think going on this vacation together would confuse the kids or give them false hope. It seems they know what's up. Rather, I just worry that it would not be the serene time you're really wanting and needing and could turn into hell week if he gets into one of his moods.

If you can't get your money back minus the deposit and decide to go, make sure you have plans B, C, and D on deck in case things get too tense.

You deserve a relaxing, peaceful vacation, JB, and I truly hope you get it.

J. F.

Could you consider something like the kids go for the whole week, but you and your soon-ex trade off? You go Sat-Wed, and he goes Wed-Sat, for example, while the kids stay the entire week.

You can still "unplug" at home, no kids, for the other half of the week.

You and he will be tied together for life because of the kids. I like elena's suggestions that now is the time to establish a peaceful relationship for the future. If you think you guys can do it, I say go for it.

Can you travel in 2 cars and the moment he starts disrespecting the house rules, causing strife, being manipulative, you agree ahead of time, that he's out the door??? Not you. Not kids. But him.

On one hand it's always a lofty idea to role model healthy adult behavior and divorced parents setting a good example of how to get along in front of the kids, but that usually takes time, and deliberate and conscious choices about what behaviors will be accepted, which ones rejected.

Your timing provides an insignificant break for the 2 of you. So you'll just 'fall back into the same patterns, old routines.' (my favorite song of the 21st century) and then your unplugged vacation became uber charged.

I think that this would work out nicely. You can even take turns during the day...one of you takes the kids down to the beach while the other one reads in a hammock or walks around the boardwalk. One of you could take off and go for a run in the morning while the other is getting everyone set up for breakfast. One of you could take some of the kids for a walk down the beach while the other kids want to swim or hang out. That way you are not constantly together. There will be dinners all together, but it sounds like you can both be mature enough to handle this. By the way, I think if you both act mature about separating and never put your kids in the middle, never say negative things to them about your ex, or vent to them...that your kids will be just fine.

****ETA: I'm not quite a "regular" here so I was unaware of the history/saga of your relationship. Based on what Theresa N and Doris Day had to say, I'm going recommend you think *real* hard about whether my advice actually makes sense given your situation.****

Seems unanimous and I'm in that boat - absolutely go as long as you're able to agree to being civil.

The way I see it, this could actually be an excellent opportunity to settle in to your new family setup. You no longer have the pressure of making a marriage work hanging over your heads (how awesome must that feel?!), so you can relax and have space to breathe and enjoy the new dynamic. "Hey kids, we're all going on this vacation together as a family, and Mom and Dad are now going as good friends. Lets chill out and have some fun."

My favorite suggestions from the below:

- (Momoftwo) Have a code word either of you can use to stop a conversation before it turns into a fight. Agree beforehand on the word and what will happen when it's used.

- (2kidsmama) Spend lots of time apart, taking turns taking the kids places and enjoying some alone time. Or split them up by age group and one takes the older kids somewhere, and the other takes the younger kids somewhere else. Whatevs. Come back together as a family in the evenings and have dinner, play some board games, watch a movie.

An additional idea:

- When you do come back together each day, make sure you and your ex each express gratitude to the other for whatever the other did during the day to make the vacation work. "Thanks so much for taking the kids to the beach today. I really appreciated the alone time and I know the kids had fun with you." "Thanks for taking the boys to a movie so the girls and I could go get pedicures. That was a great way to spend the afternoon and I know everyone had fun." "Thanks for getting dinner going while the kids and I were out at the aquarium. That was really helpful."

Use this as a great opportunity to lay the groundwork for your new relationship to one another - as co-parents, and as friends. Might be the perfect fresh start to a new chapter.

No one can predict how this will turn out, not even your counselor. After the relief of him moving out and the two of you get back together for a no pressure, no stress vacation, you could end up like teenagers. You already know you fight, so need to go there.

Did that help you to be more confused?

Since the vacation is paid for and you are in a good place of understanding each other right now, I think you can try it. Your kids are old enough, mature enough, and obviously have expressed an understanding of the situation that you can sit them down and explain it to them. Say how much you want to take the family vacation, but that daddy will still be moving out and staying out.

Make a promise to yourselves not to fight. Have a code word or something to use to instantly stop a conversation that is heading down the wrong road. If either of you says the code word, the other must stop the conversation to avoid a fight. Have a plan for if you need a cooling off period - one of you must leave the house or head to their room if things are getting tense.

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage has taken this turn, but I am glad that you are working hard to handle it like adults. It is really important that you are able to get along for the kids' sake, so that you can attend functions (like high school graduation) without the kids feeling like they can only invite one of you.

If you two can manage to be polite for the week, then I say go for it. You can start the process of demonstrating we are separated/divorced but we are tied through the children and can behave civilly for special events.

I am the child of divorce and never once did I want my parents to get back together. I wanted them stop fighting all the damn time and if divorce got us there, then count me in. I was nine when they divorced and I never once regretted them divorcing. The peace after was worth the price of divorce in mind. My parents could be cordial and socially polite in certain settings because those settings highlighted their children's accomplishments. Incidentally we learned that you may not personally like someone but you can sure as heck act like a civil human being for a set period of time. Good luck whatever you decide.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for couples who co-parent well after separation/divorce.

If you think you can be kind to each other and have a little fun along the way then why not go to Cape Cod?

You could look at it as "practice" for the future. You've got a ton of performances, competitions, graduations, weddings and births of grand kids in your future as a separated couple.

Show your kids that they will still have too loving, involved parents in their lives that get along with each other. I think it's a good way to move into the next phase of your life.

I have a friend who is still living with her soon to be ex husband and they took a planned and paid for trip to Hawaii with the kids for spring break.
I thought she was crazy but they all had a great time, because (her words) "it was no different than being at home, we did our own things during the day and had dinner with the kids every night."
They haven't had sex in over two years (can you imagine?!) so that wasn't an issue. They live like roommates anyway.
They have three teenagers, 13 to 18.
So, I don't know, every situation is different. I guess it COULD work.

No thoughts regarding your vacation home question, but congrats on the civility and the agreement to separate.

I think that it's very lovely and mature of you and your ex to be thinking of still doing the vacation. Yes, you're getting a divorce. But you still have children together. I don't think that there will be anything confusing, so long as it's clear that you two aren't romantically involved. Remain kind, yet a bit distant, respectful and just enjoy the kids. There are going to be tons of joint events in the future. Celebrations, birthdays, graduations, weddings, births...all of which you'll share to a certain extent with your ex. Might as well start off with being civil.

Will it be a horrible thing to do to your kids?

That TOTALLY DEPENDS on your behavior. It can be a wonderful thing to do. Or a terrible thing to do.

I have a good relationship with my terrible ex. Despite his horrid behavior for the duration of our difficult marriage (see my last post on in-laws and don't get me started on his cheating): I decided to keep a civil relationship with him for the kids, which he appreciates greatly. Their dad loves them. They love him. They love to be around us both. They hate when we fight (which we've done very little of in front of them, ever).

Due to complications of finances, and his constant travel schedule, he was "homeless" and stayed with us in our home in the guest room for years after our separation to visit kids. Because we were both there, we did things together often if he was in town. Family birthday dinners. Family trips to amusement park. Whatever. I didn't have a boyfriend usually-and if I was seeing someone the kids didn't know it, and his girlfriend is on the west coast, and the kids don't know about her. They're little and used to us hanging out civilly whenever he's around.

So. Could we go on a relaxing vacation together? Absolutely!!! It would be awesome. Too bad it's never been in the budget. The kids would have loved it. They know we're not married anymore, and they're used to seeing us get along regardless.

But if there would be any dreary drama or fighting or trying to hash out marriage stuff...ESPECIALLY since your kids are a bit older and more in tune to things....I'd skip it. It could become an icky dark memory if handled poorly.

God forbid the lovely location clouds reality after his grim move into an apartment and there is temptation to "work things out". Ick. That would be traumatic and maybe it's too soon to do a mature, separated event together as friends.

So search your soul. Try not to be swayed by the money. If you can have fun and keep your head on straight it can be fun.

Love Girl Outdoors advice. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys were able to start working things out during this vacation. Being civil and enjoying yourselves is a great start.

i say go. seems like the kids already know whats going on and are old enough to understand the basics. go, unwind and have fun.

Yes it will be horrible for the kids. Yes it will be confusing to them. Even tho the kids are old enough to "know" why you are divorcing, they will ALWAYS want you guys to get back together. From now on, every bday and holiday should be celebrated separately with each parent. The only time you should attend the same things is weddings and funerals. I have been through it and you need to make CLEAR the separation and that its final. JMO. Good luck.

My ex and I still celebrated the holidays out of town with the kids and stayed in the same house during our separation. The kids wanted us both with them and we kept their same holidays traditions. We only did that one year. It was fine, but for us it was a temporary thing. He and I needed to be more separate

Keep the vacation. Sit down with hubby and draw up some rules. This could be a nice way to see what changes have happened. I'd do separate rooms for you guys even if it means dividing the kids up with adults. Put a kid with each adult if you need to.

This can be a nice vacation if both of you make a point to keep it light and family oriented. This means no personal issues and no arguing.

No formal plans where mom and dad are sent on a "date" or anything uncomfortable.

Being separated means trying to find out if you can work it out. Taking a break from each other isn't a precursor to divorce but it is a time to figure out what is worth saving. If you can both begin to make changes and work through your problems there is a good chance you can work it out. If he's not abusing you or the children or either of you not cheating then you can usually work through anything.

I hope you'll take time to think about this as an opportunity to spend family time and not be weird about it. You are still half of a married couple and spending time doing things together and dating can rekindle much of the previous relationship. There's no reason you can't feel that love again. You just have to be open to it and seeing each other for the people you are now.

My now ex and I were legally separated, but we still went to our beach week. He slept in with the boys. I did not want to disappoint the kids.

We used to go the same week as most of his family (we all rented homes near each other) so the kids were with cousins, aunts and uncles much of the time, and I was able to find time for me.

It was not ideal, but the kids managed to have fun!

Best!