Venting, Stressed & Just Want to Be a Good Mother.

Dear Just You,
Times are really tough right now for a lot of people, so you are certainly not alone. My husband's job transferred us around quite a bit and it was really tough being away from my family. Everytime I'd start to feel settled and make some friends in the neighborhood, it was time to move again. I can't tell you how many times I cried. I tried thinking of it as an adventure, but in reality, I felt like the rug kept getting pulled out from under me. Fortunately, my daughter was outgoing and gregarious and made friends easily, but it wasn't easy on her either. Imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized my husband was manipulating some of the transfers himself. If anyone said the slightest thing to him at work that he didn't like, he wanted a transfer. He was dragging us around like gypsies....it wasn't actually corporate decisions the way he said it was. I had health problems on top of it. When things were bad, I couldn't even ride in a car without being in agony. I'd get used to a new doctor and it was time to move again. Then I'd have to find another one and start all over. It's a long story, but my marriage didn't survive after our son was born. All the sudden, I was a single mom with two kids and a very vindictive ex husband who refused to pay support. He did really nice things like call PG&E or the cable company and request that they come and turn our services off. I really needed a job, but he kept things so tied up in court, the judge saw me more than my kids did. It was a really tough time. But, I survived it, and I've raised two of the nicest kids you could ever meet.
Venting can be good for you. We all need to do it sometimes. Get it off your chest and then let it go.
When things seem so overwhelming, break it down. Try to focus on one thing at a time. For instance, you can't do anything about not having a car right at the moment, so don't dwell on that. Move on to something you CAN do something about.
Get all the downsides to things out of your system and then look at all the positives. You have a husband who is working and a beautiful child. Yes, you have health problems, but you can still use your arms and legs, you can still see and hear...
Remember that your child is a child. He doesn't see the outside world or compare anything in it to you or his life. Don't waste your time feeling guilty about not giving your child something material. You can give him your time and you can give him the gift of laughter.
I have videos that we took when I was going through the most horrible time during my divorce and you would never know how bad things were. The kids and I were listening to music and dancing and playing and being silly. It was the three of us against the world and we laughed our heads off. We never lost our sense of humor. We never gave in to anything on the "outside" that was happening to us. My kids and I are pretty hilarious. Laughter really is the best medicine. Laughter doesn't cost a single penny.
My son's birthday was June 28 and we invited a friend over to have popcorn and watch our old birthday and miscellaneous videos with us. They were laughing so hard they said it hurt. And do you want to know something? I realized, at that moment, that what I thought was such a dark time, was really one of the happiest times of my entire life. My abusive ex was somewhere else, I had my two beautiful, funny children and we could laugh all we wanted. So we did. We still do.
You can always have fun without money. Trust me.
I know money is super tight for you, but surely you have a dollar store nearby that you can pick up some things like construction or plain paper. You can find a leaf on the sidewalk that gets turned into art. You can trace your handprints together. You can get a deck of cards and teach your son Go Fish or Old Maid. (My son is 14 and he still calls it Old May. He thought the person who got Old May was the winner because she was so cute on the card). You can read and let your son make up his own stories and write them down as he tells them. They will be priceless to you in 10 years. Let him help you bake some cupcakes. Help him make a fort under the kitchen table and have a snack in there.
I live where it gets cold, even in the summertime, so I used to build a fire and get it about 90 degrees in the house. We would run around in our shorts or bathing suits and pretend it was hot outside. We'd play happy music and spread out a blanket and have a "picnic" in the living room. We just made our own summer day.
I don't know if you're religous at all, and it doesn't matter one way or the other, but you might find a nice church in your area. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to give you a ride to some of their services and events. We have a nice church, no politics, non denominational and they are the sweetest people. They have pot lucks and bbq's and the kids all run around and have fun. I broke my leg and couldn't drive for the longest time...we always had a ride...we were always welcome. I met some wonderful people that way. I believe in prayer and I wasn't shy about asking for it. It was nice to know that so many people really cared about me and my kids.
Where there's a will, there's a way, honey. Don't ever forget that. And if your son can learn that from you, it will be the best gift you can ever give him.
I know this is getting long, but when my daughter was little, I made her a "stove" out of a cardboard box. I used a marker to draw the electric burners, I punched holes and inserted cardboard brads for knobs, even a pullout handle for the oven part. I gave her some pie tins, a couple of pans and spoons. She and her friend had the best time making dirt pies using rocks for decorations. I was doing dishes when she ran in and said, "Mommy! The stove is working just great. Now, I need you to make us a refrigerator...."
My kids just always believed I can do anything. They still do, and it has nothing to do with anything monetary. I've had to struggle and tell them no to certain things all their lives, but neither of them would tell you they've been slighted in any way. And they are both very resourceful. That's a wonderful thing and they learned it from me. We give our kids so much more than "things". We give OURSELVES so much more than things.
You're going to be all right.
You can write to me anytime.

Bloom where you're planted!

I don't have advise -- I just wanted to empathize and share something that happened recently with my recently turned 5 year old daughter.

I had a LONG road to motherhood - started trying to get pregnant as soon as my husband and I got married when I was 39. Fast forward 6 IVF cycles and two late 1st trimester pregnancy losses. Then on to the adoption process which took another 2-1/2 years. So FINALLY we were blessed with our daughter six days after I turned 45 by an open adoption.

Add to that I had to have two knee surgeries within 3 months of her birth (good thing her birth mom was carrying her at the time!)

I just recently had another knee surgery this summer and my mobility is currently very limited. There is NO running, jumping nor many other things I took for granted in my future. I have felt such guilt I have had to drag Ariel Faith to my physical therapy appointments all summer and I was in bed for 2 weeks as well recovering.

One day I was "apologizing" to Ariel for having such me for a Mom - someone who currently cannot do a whole lot. She looked at me with such love in her eyes and said - oh Mommy that is not why I love you. I love you because you have so much love in your heart for me. I love you because you read such good stories to me and watch cooking shows with me.

So now that all the external "stuff" that may not be there is not what your son is going to remember. It will be that you love him - enough to come here and even be thinking of all this.

Hang in there and I pray things turn around for you so things don't feel so grim!

K.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but it is not your fault! YOU are not a failure -- it's the Bush Legacy. The rich got a lot richer, and the poor got a lot poorer, and those of us in the middle got squeezed every which way.

I know that one of the worst feelings in the world is wanting to give your child something you can't afford to give him. But not to worry: what your little one needs the most right now is exactly what you can give him---love and a feeling of security. If you can't put him in a "great" preschool, you will find a decent preschool, and you will find other moms there who are in the same boat, and after a while it will dawn on you that you really do have your son in a "great" preschool after all.

Your financial state may be "grim," but your husband's still working, and at least you are not having to live in that car you are "renting!" It might help you to get out and help some others who are worse off than you are: for example, volunteer at a shelter or a food program for the homeless. It will take your mind right off of what you don't have at the moment, and really help you appreciate the things you do have.

And, if you hang tight as a family, and do what you have to do to make it through this rough spot, you will be able to look back, one day, and be rightfully proud of yourselves. I wish you the best of luck.

Chill out F! You aren't the only little family that has been sent miles away for job purposes. I doubt your son feels like a victim of circumstance, he does see/feel his mommy's stress tho.
Take this time of isolation and use it to your benefit, there are no distractions disturbing you and your sons relationship. Now is the best time to be teaching him how to ties shoes, identify insects on short nature walks, learn to read, and just absorb all the knowledge and nurturing a mother can give.
Get off the pity pot and enjoy each day to it's fullest.
Your son is probably the prescription to your current medical problems, and don't forget to take care of your sons daddy too!
I'm sure that where you are right now is temporary and you are going through it for an important reason. Look to the future, concentrate on the present, and don't dwell on the past because you can't change that!
Get a webcam, buy a few for some of your friends and family that have computers.
I get to watch my granddaughter grow up on webcam and with all the pictures my daughterinlaw sends me through email. We cant afford to visit across the country either but are making the best of the current situation.
It will all be okay. Any social skills that your son may be lacking right now will all catch up later when he is in school, don't feel bad that he's not in preschool. You can teach him everything he needs to know right where you are, don't forget that.
Get lots of good books, they will take you on all the social adventures you need for now while you wait for the next chapter of your life to unfold.
God Bless.

I agree with all the moms saying this situation isn't bad for your son at all. Plenty of families are better off financially and spend all sorts of money on their kids but it's not necessarily better. I grew up with very little preschool - just with my mom a lot and that was fine. I say this as someone who is not in your situation and perhaps you would think that my children are better off because we can afford "great" preschools etc but I honestly don't believe they're better off. More of my time would actually be better so your son is getting the most important thing of all - you. I've seen mothers offer to provide a bit of daycare for another child so have you tried that? Some mom may be thrilled to have her son/daughter stay with you for a couple of hours to play with your son for a low fee. I guess you can't get to them but in case you haven't checked, there are co-op preschools which are very low cost as the moms do most of the teaching. It'd be a good way to meet other people too. So many moms are lonely so know you're not alone and just do your best to get out there and keep trying to meet some. Good luck!

I can relate to some of what you are going through. We moved from Southern CA to Henderson, NV when my daughter was just six weeks old. We moved away from family and friends to a whole new state where I knew no one. I was able to transfer with my job, but who was I suppose to have watch my baby? Who would we get references from? It was a hard transition, but something I did for our family. A year later I found I was preganat a second time. 5 months into my pregnancy I was laid off of my job as my husband and I were planning our wedding. So here I am, 5 months pregant, getting ready to finally get married and I'm laid off of my job. I had my own pity party for a while. Our honeymoon consisted of my husband heading off to the casinos wtih his buddy's and me falling asleep early.

My saving grace, was finding a way to work from home. My husband was pushing me to find another job and it just didn't make any sense to me to go out and get a job, just so I could hand over my check to someone else for watching both of my daughters. My cousin called me up and told me she worked from home with a bunch of other moms and was I interested. That was 7 years ago and it has been great. We have since moved to Northen CA, I'm out in Pleasanton and my husband works in San Fransisco and I have been able to be a stay at home mom every since - BUT I have a whole community of moms that I work with over the phone and computer and it has given me all of my confidence back. If you are interested, let me know and we can see if this may be able to help you as well.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!

You're a good mom! It takes time to make friends in a new neighborhood. Here's what I suggest. I don't know if you have a particular faith, but church, synagogue, community church are all great places to make connections for you and your son. If your place of worship has no mom's group, start one! You have had a rough start but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take your child to the library and find books on how to prepare your child for Kindergarten. Organize your own playgroup by posting a flyer in the library or in a church so he'll get some socialization and you'll make new friends. Stay positive to keep your marriage strong. If your husband comes home from work to nagging and complaining and a depressed wife..he won't want to come home and the last thing you want to deal with is divorce. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Eat low fat healthy foods..since you can't exercise and gaining weight will not help to keep your spirits up. Take Vitamin B to help with feelings of depression and find a faith...truly....this will help! I promise you!

I know it can feel depressing given your situation. However it all could be worse. Imagine if you did have family close and still felt far away from them. Imagine not having a roof over your head or no job at all. Then look around you and find one thing even really small thing that you feel appreciation for. Maybe it is your sons smile. Maybe it is the way your husband kisses you goodbye before work. Maybe it is the weather or the trees outside. Web cams, library, websites, pen pals, there are lots of things to keep you and your son stimulated, learning and connected to the outside world. If you need ideas feel free to write me privetly. Hang in there! :-)W.

Oh, do we relate to you. Circumstances are what they are, a part of life and many times we can't do anything but accept it. Look around you. Is there a park? Are there neighbors with children? Parks have activities for everyone and it a good place to meet. You don't say where you live so I can't give any real suggestions as to other places you might go. Money is tight. I know, my daughter and her husband and two children had to move in with us and they don't have jobs and I lost my job in April and haven't been able to find another. Money is tight. Do you talk to your husband? Good communication is a great stress releiver. Pray, God is a great source for ideas. Its' hard to make friends when you move around so much so if you are religious try going to church. Your son will love the company and so will you. Depending on the church there are activities and groups most any day of the week. Take care. You are not alone. Over 12% of the population is out of work, out of money, and can't get any help from the government. I put in 30 years into unemployment insurance and don't qualify for any money. Can you believe that???????? Good luck. The road is bumpy but there is smooth pavement once in awhile. Remember thoughs days. Another thought, can a family member come and help out, visit, releive some of the stress? Again, good luck and keep in touch.

As a poor stay-at-home mom myself with a newborn and a four year old to entertain.I spent many hours at the park and library. Is there possibly a library that's close enough to walk to? They often have story time and puppet shows that are free. And the park is a fantastic place to meet other moms with small children. Alternatly Is it possible for you to work? I know you said you had some health issues and I'm sure that you don't want to leave your son. But it may be just the thing that helps you afford that great preschool and it would help improve your state of mind and help you meet people in the area. Good luck! I hope things get better for your family.

Simplicity is best for kids and that is exactly what you are providing. Do you remember the things you loved the most about your parents, toys, games or experiences growing up? My favorite ones were making mud pies (dirt and flowers outside FREE), coloring rocks and sitting on a boat with my dad at dusk just talking about life...the birds and bees and what makes us tick. It wasn't the boat that was significant it was the talk and time with him i remember the most. I loved exploring as most kids do....remember this and you'll see that is all your son needs.

Now on a personal note you sound defeated which most mothers go through no matter what their financial status may be. If you have money but have kids often times you still don't have the time available to see them or be as close as you'd like. At least this seems to be the complaint of all my best friends who have children...once again not about money but about being parents. Being a parent is the toughest job we'll ever love but it's tough at times with lots of sacrifice.

I lost my marbles just 2 weeks ago because I work full time, commute 2 hours a day and rush home to rush and take care of my daughter and her dad. He's bummed I don't have enough time for him because I'm so overwhelmed. The grass is never greener on the other side and we all have our challenges. I still struggle financially because...WELL I live in California and have a child. Enough Said with that. I just wanted you to hear these things so you know you are a good mom and us moms will always want better for our kids. I wish I had more time to be home with my family and you wish you had less time trapped in your home. I send you LOTS of hugs because we all need it.

I hope everyone's kind words and helpful hints brings a smile today and lets you know that where you are is OK and this too shall pass.

Take a bath or long shower, cry it out and i mean REALLY cry and I promise that seems to relieve a lot of stress and tension.

please ignore the "get off the pity pot" and "don't forget to take care of your husband too" comments. NOT very helpful (sorry grandma - but she wants help, not anonymous "tough love!").

one thing you could do is try to start your own mama's group! find at least one nearby cafe, library, grocery store to let you post a flyer to form a local mama's group. you could also try posting an ad in the local paper or on craigslist, specifying a 1 mile radius - for sure there are moms nearby who would love to hang out with you and your little one.

NEVER feel bad for venting, and don't feel guilty about your mothering, either. the simple fact that you want the best for your kid is enough - everything you want will happen with time, patience and faith - just maybe not in the ways you expected.

i'm sorry for everything you are going through with your disability and isolation. i hope your husband is very supportive - don't worry about taking care of him, he's a grown man. taking care of your kid is obviously a priority already. focus on taking care of yourself, and your whole family will be happier.

good luck, honey.

Grandma T M really said it. My kids were not able to go into a good school and we would love to put them into a private school, but we can't afford it. So we put more of our time into their lives. We teach them things at home that they wouldn't learn at school. We do it while they help cook, clean or anything. Something on the computer or tv may trigger a learning situation. My kids are great kids who know moral and value and although they don't see it much in their school, we tell them to keep on being who they are. We kept our daughter home from preK because we couldn't afford a good school and all the other schools where teaching what she already knew. The private school even suggested keeping her home and continue what we are doing. We buy her flash cards, we get those workbooks from walgreens and she loves them. She also worked at Starfall.com, great learning web page that I got from some mamas here. Now she is entering Kindergarten knowing how to write, read and do first grade math. She counts by tens, still learning fives and she very involved in sports.

We also are in a postion where we are barely making it and don't qualify for assistance, but we make a way. Kids at 4 years really don't need a whole lot of material things as we would like to give them. I know the feeling of not being able to give to them, but I get over it and we find many other things to do. All your son and husband really needs right now is you. Tell yourself that it's all right, it's temporary and that your going to be happy for yourself and your family. It worked for me. Your son is not being affect by the circumstance, only if you allow it and you don't have to. So tighten up those boot straps and no more failure mentality, you can find ways to get through it, just be creative. Good luck and God bless.

BTW: I wouldn't take the whole "pity pot" comment to offense, just the way some people speak and I know others can be sensitive, but Grandma T M was just trying to encourage you. And to Reva's comment, Yes! you do need to take care of your husband. I don't care how grown up he is, he needs you to be there intamtely. That doesn't always mean sexual. It could be a touch or even a hug. I use to think my husband could take care of himself and put everything else first. Well I seen our communication get less and our time and intamcy was down. I caughgt it early enough to do something. All my husband wants at times is to just sit on the couch and watch a movie together. I know I get extremely busy, but I have to stop and give him that time too, even if it means doing the dishes later.

I'm sorry you are having a tuff time right now. It sound to me like you could use a sister or a friend to come visit you! When my husband and I moved away for his job. We were newly married, I left my family, friends, and job behind to begin this new adventure. Finding a job was hard we lived in a small town, no friends, I was really unhappy and lonely. My husband got the bright idea to fly in my best friend! Boy did I need her, Just seeing her perked me right up and I was able to pick myself back up and take care of business because I had a better outlook. I know you said finances are hard but there are several really cheap air prices right now. Mybe your friend or family member could afford the visit!

Try inviting everyone to visit!
Hope this helps

Ahhh, I just want to give you a big hug. I certainly needed one at times like yours. Motherhood really IS the toughest job in the world and we often wonder and worry about doing it all as well as we can. That's normal so don't feel too badly about it. You sound like a good mom.

I just want to say that I strongly believe that the best place for a child before he starts school is in the safe loving environment of his home with his parents. Do not feel guilty for not sending him off to preschool. Try to feel more positive about that, not guilty. There are so many things you can do with him at home and in the garden that cannot be replaced by daycare. Go to the library or look on line and you will be overwhelmed with all the cool things you can do. You can even structure your mornings like a preschool if you like with storytime, snack time, project time, outside play etc. By the way, I am not against really good preschools (not daycare), for certain children but I just don't think it's detrimental to any child to have more time at home. It will all be over before you know it and there's no going back.

Can you see if there's a young child in your neighborhood who, for little or no money, would be interested in coming over a few times a week to interact with your son while you get things done or take a break (while you're still at home if you are needed)? There usually are little girls who love this sort of thing. You could offer to pay her a little amount or think of another way to repay her. My daughter has done this and she is a godsend to the other mother. The baby loves it, I love it and it's good for all.

The main thing is to accept it's hard, you aren't harming your child and to really focus on changing your attitude to feel more positively. Kids don't need to be falsely socialized. Take any natural opportunity (at a park, etc) to let him mix with other people. Other than that, home with you is a wonderful place with him. Take care and relax.

I echo what Jj Y said about how your time with your son could be just as good if not better than what he could gain from preschool. If you don't have transportation, can you go to the local library when DH is home (our public library and many others have kids story and activity times on Saturday mornings). Then when you're there, load up on books, books on CD's (great for your son to listen to and follow along with the print book - might even give you a little break!). You might even meet another family or two with children close to your son's age.
{{{hugs}}} - you've been thru so much already, I'm confident you can handle this!

Hi! Your posting brought tears to my eyes. I want to HUG YOU and tell you it will be OK....Just Hang in there!

Your son doesn't need anything but you and Daddy. He does not need a preschool to become more successful in Kindergarten, things will happen naturally for him, so please do not worry about that. At his age, YOU are his best friend, and that's no different from any other mother-son relationship!

Be patient. When your son begins Kindergarten, you might be able to help in his classroom and mom friendships will naturally develop.....that's what happened to me, and there are a couple of women that I TRULY call my friends :O)

Everything will be OK. Just keep going day-to-day getting your makeup on and fully dressed so you don't get depressed. Be patient with yourself, you ARE being a great Mommy and your son is lucky to have you!

~N. :O)

Well you are having a tough time right now...If I were your friend, neighbor, or sister I would just give you a hug and tell you that these times don't last forever!

You sound like you feel so isolated and with your inability to get around, you it seems to make you feel trapped in your situation. I have a couple of suggestions.

If you like reading, try to get to a library for a mental vacation in a good book or in fun magazines. Most libraries have a reading time for kids, too and you can take your little one and really enjoy some time away from home.

If you can volunteer (consult with the internet for opportunities) you will help someone else. Believe it or not, this will lift your spirits and make you more thankful for the things you have. I'm sure you do appreciate what you have, but it just seems to magnify when you are helping others. I bet some seniors or other moms right in your neighborhood need your help even one hour a day.

And one more thing, your child will not miss attending a great preschool. If you volunteer an hour or two a day at the one he attends, it will be - in his eyes - the best preschool in the world. That too will lift your spirits and bring joy into your life, the lives of the other children and especially, your son.

It will be OK but you will have to look above it to find some joy and piece during a troubling time. You're a mom! You can do it!

I know you have already had a lot of advice, but I think you cannot hear "It's OK!" enough in a situation like this!! I read one of your responses to another mama and saw that you used to be a preschool teacher. So, I am sure you do lots of preschool type stuff with your little guy anyway! Lots of kids skip preschool and are fine socially, so don't lose sleep over that! As for your own sanity and adult time, I think posting a request on here might not be a bad idea. Best of luck. I know you will get through this: we all have our ups and downs, and your up is on its way!

We moved to an area outside of Tracy from San Jose - talk about culture shock! I have had better luck making friends and playdates through this website than the local mom's club. I found it WAY too religious and the kids were too young for my son. Are there parks you can walk to? Check your local school district for a "Raising a Reader" program and possibly a pre-school with sliding scale tuition. Our tiny little local library has story time once a week that my son enjoys.
I grew up in a remote area of WAshington State - no neighbors - no kids no siblings until I was 5. I'm a little wierd - loved to read my books and talked to my dolls but i think I turned out o.k. the Voices tell me I'm fine!
I posted a request for play dates in my town on Mamasource and amde a friend with 2 boys a little bit younger tha n my son and we all have fun together! Hang in there, things will get better.

I think every mom understands that overwhelmed feeling you're experiencing. You've gotten a lot of support in responses posted here, but I wanted to suggest that you take your dilemmas one at a time. You feel broke, isolated, stranded. Pick one thing to work on and see if you can find a simple solution.

For mobility, can you ride a bicycle? Are there buses? If there are things that will help with you mobility (like a bike) can you get one from your local Freecycle (Google it) or Craigslist free postings?

For isolation, can you get to a nearby park somehow (biking or by bus maybe?). A great way to make friends is to become a regular at a park, a children's library, or a church. Or maybe you could join a coop daycare group?

As for finances, maybe you could sell some things on eBay. You could start by selling your son's outgrown clothes.

Just some ideas. You have the solutions you need, you just need to slow down and sort them out. One at a time.

You can do this!!!

Good luck!

You Are Not Alone!!!! There are so many of us moms that feel inadequate or not providing for our kids the way we should. I am sorry you are alone in California, so am I. If you didn't live in Napa, I would say to come over, drop your kids off, and you and your husband go share a milkshake or something. We all need time off from the kids. I am a single mom and rarely get to have anyone watch my three little ones, so I do understand. Hang in there. We are all struggling with this economy. I would struggle even if the economy was better. I am on low income, with many expenses. I'm not sure what a DH is.
Again, hang in there, thanks for sharing.

Well, I think you're doing pretty well, given the circumstances. Perhaps you could ask someone in your family to subscribe to a children's magazine for your son's next birthday or Christmas. It's pretty inexpensive, usually comes once a month, and usually has activities you can do with your child (using things like leaves, egg cartons, etc.)--I have in mind something like My Big Backyard, for ages 3-5. Kids love getting mail. Reading to your son, playing any children's CDs you might have (especially traditional kid's music from Pete Seeger, etc.) will acquaint him with the kinds of children's songs he might learn in nursery school, doing art projects--finger painting, goop, playdough--a lot of this stuff you can make at home with kitchen supplies--will cover the art stuff he will do in nursery school. You could try a little garden, or doing things like growing a sweet potato vine or see if you can get carrot tops to grow, coloring celery. The bottom line is that children didn't have nursery schools until about 100 years ago, and you are a mother committed to the best for your child. You're okay!!!

I think you all just need to meet some people and a great way to do that would be for you to organize a block party in your neighborhood potluck style so everyone can bring food and it wont be all on you to provide food and ask that everyone bring some drinks. You can just make up a flyer and pass it out in the neighborhood. Also add that you would like to start up a playgroup for moms and kids. If you find a church to attend they often have many groups that you could get involved in. For the block party if you go to the city offices in your town you can usually request road blocks so there is no traffic on your street.

Hi Just Me,

I haven't had quite the same situation as you, but at times I have felt as though I wasn't a good mother, a failure and alone. You don't say where you are, but I would love to talk with you.

First off, maaaaaaaaan, honey you have a lot on your plate. I have a lot of the same fears, but with different circumstances and I know that life is hard when you don't know if you're doing the right thing.

Here are a few suggestions I have for maybe making some friends in the area, and maybe making yourself sane.

1- Offer to do a potluck at your home and invite the neighborhood mommies if you know there are some. Start your own mommies group essentially.
2- Join the other mommy group, but explain you are limite in mobility and that you would like to host once a month if that is okay. After a while, there might be a mommy you get to know better than others, or maybe a few who would be able and willing to pick you and your child up for the play dates.
3-Is there a young adult in the area who you would be willing to start training as a "mothers helper"? who than could maybe move on to be your babysitter? 12 or 13 year olds might be really happy to come to your home and play with your child while you clean or nap, etc. Get some "you" time.
4-Not everyone is able to do this, but how about starting a home business? To bring in some extra money? I do Two Sisters Gourmet (although I don't do it well enough to make money yet ha ha), Arbonne (which I love, but it's pricey so it's a selected audience, not enough to make extra cash, but enough to buy me my products from the profits), scrapbooking, etc. Again, not for everyone, but if it's something you're interested in, it's relatively easy to do and cheap to start.
5- I am not usually an advocate for lying, but is there a way you could "fudge" your income so that you could get him into a part time pre-school? for the interaction? again, not an advocate, but understand why it's done sometimes.

Just so you know, I have transportation, have my boys in daycare and STILL didn't think to look for pre-school for my son until everyone started talking about it yesterday and how their kids were starting. I felt like such a failure. We are on a paycheck to paycheck status, but after my "pity party", and some realistic looking at finaces, it's not going to be possible to put my 3 year old into pre-shcool until his 1.5 year old brother turns 2 and his fees go down. Just a reality of life.

Life gets better and things move forward. They always do. I say, have a good cry about all that is on your shoulders and take a day to say it's not fair.....and than wake up tomorrow and put a plan in place to move forward. And see what you can do with what you have. :) You're a great mommy for wanting more for your child, but be realistic about what that more is. :) It makes it easier on you.

good luck
K.

oh and here are two sites with LOTS of free things to do, that maybe you get some ideas for at home craft play.

www.preschoolexpress.com

www.enchantedlearning.com

what about parent co-op preschools where you take him in and volunteer during the time that he's there in exchange for his tuition? Also, there are other free opportunities to integrate him with other kids, socialize, etc. Sunday school at church, story hour at libraries, etc. All these teach what he'll need to know for Kindergarten, circle-sitting, hand-raising, line-walking, etc. You can do the ABC's, fine motor skill development, and other activities with him at home.
Also... Google "Las Madres YOUR CITY NAME, YOUR STATE" and see what comes up. Las Madres groups are everywhere! It would give you an opportunity to meet other moms and do some socializing of your own.

Hi Just Me,
It sounds like you are carrying quite a load! For what it's worth, you have all my sympathy. And, as a therapist I can tell you, your son is better off with loving parents who can't take him to the park often, for physical reasons, than super-busy parents who don't take him to the park often.
One practical suggestion is to find yourself a church-- they are always full of helpful people and can probably help you with food, clothes, rides-- all sorts of stuff. Even if you are not religious, you can shop around-- the Unitarians, for example, don't care what you believe, as long as you want to come meet people. See what's in your neighborhood.
Good luck!

Greetings JUST ME: Let me just say that in the general sence we have all been there in one way or another.
I know that it is good to vent and just have a place to say life is ugly and I don't like it one bit.
When we were military and moving around the world literally-- we had to learn to make constant adjustments and became very close as a family because of it. I am not a person that quickly makes friends but my husband has never met a stranger!
When my husband was dying and we used all our resources to do what had to be doneto take care of business none of us liked it but we learned to endure and be willing to sell anything to make things work. I have a picture in our dinning room that is of Jesus - on one side it says I never said it would be easy---- and on the other side of Him, it says --- I only said that it would be worth it. Even though my 5 children have had to loose their father, our young grandchildren miss him everyday and life is no where near what I thought it would be--- it has all been worth it WHY? because we have had one another to love and care for.
Being in poor health does not prevent you from being a good parent we saw that everyday of my husbands life. Take your moments and cherish them to do things together. Think that you have a job when others don't have one, think about each move as an adventure to get to know the areas history,culture and people. Maybe you could join a church group and find a solution to several of your personal needs. Good Luck and feel free to contact me back. Nana G

The only thing your 4 year old really cares about is that he has a happy, functioning family. Moving and money issues will not affect him at this point. So don't worry about that at all. Your son will be fine without preschool, and kindergarten will start next year so a whole world will open up to the two of you. Keep looking for other moms, and know that at least it will get better once he starts school.

Hi,
I know you have already gotten a lot of responses, but I just wanted to add my encouragement. When I had my first son, I was very young (14) and very broke. All of his clothes were hand-me-downs. I couldn't afford any kind of "extras" (was not even old enough to drive to take him anywhere, and didn't live close enough to anywhere to walk to). I worried that he would grow up "deprived", but it turns out that he never even knew we were poor when he was little (he is 18 now). He made a comment when he was around 16, to the fact that so-and-so lives in "low-income" apartments and I said well so-what, we lived in low-income apartments until you were 8 and I graduated from college, and he was just shocked. He said "we were poor?!?!" in total disbelief. He says he has never felt like he was poor, and I think that is because he has always felt loved and safe, and that love is so much more important than anything that money can buy. If your son has two loving, caring parents, he will never miss not having name-brand clothes, lots of toys, and special classes. He will grow up to be a wonderful young man :-)
Best wishes,
A.

Growing up in a time of prosperity is one of the challenges our generation currently faces. Due to the current state of the economy many of us cannot possibly measure up to the way our parents raised us - and consequently we feel inadequate. But remember, parents of other generations did what they had to do to survive and their children turned out just fine.
You have received lots of great advice about reaching out in your community. I would like to add that dreaming is what helps me. Plan a dream vow renewal ceremony, research cars on the internet or anything else that you can't have now but could have in the future.

It's OK.

Usually moms who worry about whether or not they are being good moms are doing an amazing job. Preschool is great, but social interaction and learning basic skills you can easily do with him at home work just as well. One of my daughters went to preschool and the other didn't. Now they are 12 and 13 and they are academically very similar. Like you, I couldn't afford preschool so I worked with my eldest at home instead.
What is most important is you have each other. Your son won't care that you can't run, jump or walk far. You give him something invaluable, a mother's unconditional love. Give yourself some grace.

I don't know that I have a solution, and it doesn't sound like you are looking for one, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone, that so many families are in the same boat, and that your four year old will be fine as long as he has a mother that is asking questions like this! :)

Other than that, the ideas I had were that you might log onto craigslist and post that you'd be willing to babysit. That way other parents are bringing kids to your house and you are being paid to provide 'daycare' (aka social interaction) with your son.

If your medical condition means you can't watch other kids children (though you'll probably run and jump less than you do now because they'll play with each other instead of you), then you might consider doing some online education so that either you or your husband can get job skills to increase your funds, thus providing that car and/or daycare and/or date nights. Sure it will take time and effort, but take it slowly and you'll see a change. Best of luck!