Very Depressed Dh--need Sage Advice from Moms Who Can EMPATHIZE.

Wen we found out my father was dying my husband gave me great advice. It was to be with my father as much as possible, and devote as much time as I could to him. I am so pleased I did. We had some beautiful times together before he died, and it meant that I had no regrets (about my own actions) when he did die.

We lost my mother in law and my dad both withing an 11 month period. It is so hard. I can tell you some things. That I did that you can tell him helped.

1 spend as much time as possible with his dad. not sad oh my god your dying time but time where you just enjoy him. talk as much as you can. have him pass on memories through his eyes. both about his kids and about his growing up years. he is going to be angry and sad both and finally at the end it will be accepting. I was pregnant with my youngest son who is now 17 when my dad was diagnosed. it may not look like it now but a year is a gift. my dad was diagnosed june 9th and died august 8th. sometimes it is to late to try and fix it. I went to the hospital every day. he joked with the nurse that we should be allowed to share the room when I came to have my son. he got to hold him once. the one morning I was just to tired to go in he died. my mom said he wanted to do it when I wasn't there.

2 ask him if there is anything you can do for him. and really listen to what he says.

3 bring the kids to see him. as often as he is able and wants to see them. my dad wanted them there. even though i thought it was time to stop taking them he wanted them there. so we went. with my boys who were at the time 5 and 6 and my daughter 12. funny they don't remember him as sick and wasting away they remember him letting them climb on his bed and work the controls on the bed and the tv remote. they remember love not sickness.

4 don't drop out of his wifes life. you don't say how long they have been married but my dad was married to my stepmom when i was 7. I was 33 when he died. I am as close to my step mom as i am my own mom. she will need your strength also.

5 if he doesn't have any burial plans yet ask if he wants you or your husband to go with. ask what kind of service he wants. and don't ignore his options. my dad told me once he wanted a military funeral. he was in the airforce but had been out for many years. I called the vfw and the amvets and they both came and did stuff at the service along with a 21 gun salute at the graveside. it was beautiful and horrible but it honored him.

finally pray. I will pray for your family. I am so very sorry for what your going through

I am so sorry. I am sending you cyber hugs.

When my husbands grandfather was passing away, it helped that my husband had a "project". He took a few days and went and" interviewed" grandpa while making a video. This allowed them to spend time together with a purpose ...instead of talking about the inevitable that was coming...or worried about awkward silences because everyone was so sad.

Grandpa told stories of growing up, how he met grandma, when kids were born and grandkids and vacations etc. It was fun to have grandpa talk about his life while he was still here. Because soon it will be you and those left behind rehashing all the fun memories. Take lots of pictures. Ask grandpa to keep a journal and write down thoughts each day...advice...randomness...just anything. I found a journal that had prompts on each day that I gave to my hubby for Father's Day one year. It would be great for your FIL if you choose the journal route. Every page had a question to answer. That is sometimes easier...especially for men who are not used to sharing much when it comes to feelings or advice.

Just a thought. Hope you and your family can find peace and comfort at this time. There are amazing days ahead to enjoy while he is still here...enjoy them. Don't spend them sleeping in bed...

I truly believe you will all see him again when we all pass on from life's journey.

Good luck and best wishes!!

I am sorry you are both going through this. Your H is processing, I'm sure.

I will advise you to Make memories. If he, fil, is ok now, not too sick or tired find a way to let them do something they always loved. Really, with that kind of dx, it's going to get bad quickly. I lost my dad within 2 mths of finding his lung ca. He lost his voice almost immediately after we found out.
If I could I would be there every day.

My H lost his dad, 75, suddenly. Didn't get to say goodbye. H is so quiet, he doesn't show much emotion. I just kept trying to remind him of good times or funny things and quirks.

I went through this with my husbands father. We were in the office when the Doctor told him we had to stop the chemo, because it was killing him faster than the cancer. Marvin was 89 and had other health issues.

It is a HARD place to be in and you are helpless sometimes. My advice is to just be there when your husband needs you to lean on or talk to. Sometimes just letting him talk and being quiet helps the most.

Also make the most of the good days your FIL has now no matter what treatment course you try. Make a bucket list of things that you can reasonably do with him. Take photos, go to concerts, birthdays, fishing or anything that makes a happy memory will help you feel better.

My cousin's hubby had thorasic cancer as well. He did a trail ride with his ridding group, went to Mexico, and toured a car museum he had always wanted to see. We did as much as we could with him and made sure in the end he was comfortable. In the end it is the good things you remember and sustain you.

i dont have advice but I'd say id be honored if someone was cryingover my parent and looked at them like a father figure and loved them that much.
you shouldnt feel bad that you are mourning too.

I would start thinking of a bucket list of all things he wanted to do or say to dad that he or you never got to.

have the kids make a pop pop and M. book and have photos all in it and have them look at it with him.

if he is still in good condition i'd schedule a photographer to go to a park or somewhere beauiful to take family photos with his dad. i would want to remember him healthy and have those awesome shots

sorry i dont have good advice
your family will be in my prayers

I think your instincts are correct and that you're doing the best you can. I'd let him be, and just listen.

It *is* tough when you, too, love your parent-in-law. My MIL has severe Parkinson's and it breaks my heart. But I know it's infinitely worse for my husband.

Hang in there - prayers going out.

I'm so sorry.

You don't mention how far away you are from FIL. I would definitely let him be and process through the weekend. Talk to FIL and see what his approach will be. Is he going to go for treatment or not? That answer changes your approach.

If FIL is going to fight it, then hubby has time to be with his Dad. To cherish the time left. If FIL isn't going to fight it, then hubby needs to cherish each day. Daily phone calls, skype, trips home,etc. If FIL isn't going to fight it, then hubby needs to be resigned to that. You can' lay in bed and waste the time you have left. The time to hear his voice.

Actually, you know what? That is what you should do. Send your FIL one of those Hallmark Recordable books. Have him record his voice. So that when you and hubby need to hear it, its right there. Ask him to go get his picture taken so that you have a current picture of him, in good appearance. If you are near by, get a pic of all of you taken.

If there is a road trip that you've been waiting your whole life to take, take it.

Sending hugs.

I don't know, I am beyond lucky because Troy reacts to sadness and grief exactly as I do so if I want a hug I hug him....you get the idea easy.

With everyone else I am a complete idiot so we won't go there.

Okay this may sound strange but we react by telling stories about great things we did, funny things. It is strange but we take comfort in memories.

There I said it. :)

Make the time to go visit bring lunch when you arrive bring the kids too he would loive to see the whole family

Sending you prayers and hugs C.!!!!!!!

I wish I had some sage advice. Life can be so painful. Love to you both.

You will be in my heart. If you can get a nice soft blanket for him for when he does his chemo treatments. If he looks audio books load a few of them on an ipad/pod or whatever so he can listen to them during treatment.

Make sure your MIL has hepl with her housework and cooking and such. She is not going to want to do that while taking care of hubby Her role has now become the caregiver. She will need to rest and take care of herself as well. Try to make sure she does not lose herself while being by FIL's side. This is easy to do trust me.

While you are there make sure you have something to do other than sit in the chair and stare at the walls or you will be bonkers. This is a great way to get crafts like knitting or crochet or counted cross stitch done.

Get the photo books out and make up a memory book for the kids. Tape his voice for the future and take picture stills and moving of him now before he has no energy and wants anyone to see him. Be positive and up beat. If you can have the kids draw or make the pictures or letters to him so that he can read them. Do things now with him that do not zap all of his energy.

Above all else let him live his life and if he has any bucket list things he can do, do them as a family.

My best to you. Keep your health and strength up for your immediate family. Know that your husband IS leaning on you for strength to get through this.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. PM if you need more suggestions. I am also going through this as we speak about restarting chemo for hubby.

the other S.

PS strength to ya!!

I think the hardest part of life is realizing how helpless we really are. I'm sorry that you guys are in such a difficult time. You are blessing though, you guys all love each other. Hold on to that....

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, and to him. I'm so sorry for your impending loss.