Very Needy 3 Year Old

My son was the same way. He would not even stay in his room and play for even 5 minutes. What you may do is have certain activity playthings in each room so she can be in the room with you. Tell her you need a little quiet time, because the baby is asleep and that you can take time with her when the baby wakes. You could also set a timer and let her know when it goes off she can ask questions etc. Kids like timers.

May I have her? My kids are 15, 17, 19 and 22. I need someone to paint pottery, read beautiful childrens books, make candles, find worms, and talk about princesses with.....

These are the good ol' days sweetheart. Share them with your village. : )

I have read all the comments and coming from someone who is 67 and alone at the moment, you will look back on these years and wonder where the time went, when she is 14 and doesnt want to be seen with you because it isnt cool. Enjoy her while you can, it wont last forever.

I think you have a temperament mismatch. It sounds like your daughter is an extrovert who needs to talk and interact to recharge after a tiring morning at school. But you have introvert tendencies and need quiet time to yourself to recharge. (Me too, thank God for nap times!) She's getting you at a low point in your energy when paying attention is tough.

Perhaps arrange for another child to come over and play during this time. Or let her talk on the phone to other people. Giving her activities to entertain herself with when she needs to recharge would probably make her more desperate for attention. Like you feel when she wants all of your attention when you need to recharge.

Figuring out how you can both get what you need takes a little thought, but is really worth it.

For more on this and other coping ideas, read Raising Your Spirited Child. In addition to strategies to deal with this kind of stuff, I found out a lot about myself and got a true appreciation for my parents.

If you just need some time to yourself you can certainly try a video. But this will not teach your daughter to entertain herself or be more independent. What I recommend is to develop some selective deafness - you don't have to respond to all of her demands for attention. You can tell her beforehand, too: "Mommy is not going to come running to you every time you call my name. If you ever need me, I will be there, but you are learning to admire/do/play things yourself."

The flip side of this is you must teach yourself to go out of your way to give her attention when she IS leaving you alone. This may sound backwards, but she is showing you that your attention is a power reward for her, and you can use this to reinforce the behavior you want: amusing herself. So rehearse phrases like "Look at how nicely you're playing", "Can you show me what you've been working on?" "That's looks like fun!" and "It makes me so happy to see you working away like that!". Then, use them - even if you have to start 2.5 minutes after she started doing something on her own (if 3 minutes is usually all she'll last!). Good luck!

All the moms have good suggestions. My oldest was this needy, and in hindsight (he's now 19) I can say that while I was always there, he rarely got my full attention. I have feelings of remorse over that. So from experience I would say take at least 1/2 hour, maybe 45 mins., if you can spare it, to sit down with her and focus on her exclusively. Play a game with her, whatever. If she's had at least that much undivided attention per day, it's quite possible she won't be so needy, and at the very least you won't have the regrets that I do. I remember when my son was about 12, we we in the car one day and he said I hadn't played many games with him. Although I had been with him constantly, I realized he was right, and it broke my heart. I had been there, but not there, most of the time.

So spend that 1/2 hour every day, completely focused on her. If you read this and say, yeah, but where can I find the time?, I think you will find that once you fill your daughter's cup, so to speak, she won't be so needy the rest of the time and that will free you up to do other things.

I know you have a zillion responses but I wanted to echo what one other person here said and that is that too many toys can be overwhelming. You said "She has every toy and activity in the world"

My son did too, until I got tired of the needy whiney behavior. I did three things and I got a whole "new" child.

1. NO tv or movies.
2. no juice between meals.
3. here's the biggie: I took away and stored or gave away almost ALL his toys. I left him with a few matchbox cars, his building blocks, books, some paper and markers, and a few other favorites.

You would just not believe the difference! He was calmer, happier, more independant, WAY less whiney and needy, and his ability for imaginative play just took off dramatically.

Now I try to weed down his always-growing collection of toys from time to time, and cut down on the tv time when I start letting that get out of hand. These actions aren't punishments! They are tools to help my son be the happy healthy creative little guy that he is. These days he is happiest with a couple of cardboard boxes and a stuffed animal.

If it seems extreme, maybe it is, but it was amazing how it helped us. I would encourage you to give it a try.

(P.S. my son was a little younger when I did this, you may need to do the toy-removal differently than I did, and not just take everything all at once. At his stage in developement, I did not need to explain what i was doing or warn him ahead of time. He is almost three now, and the last time I did a toy-removal and movie-ban, I explained what I was doing and why, and encouraged him to choose a few favorite toys to keep out and to select his favorite books to read instead of watching a movie.)

If you do this, please send me a message and let me know how it went :)

I don't want to be redundant in what others will say about spending more time with her...that works...but as for the TV shows that are good...here's what keeps my just turned 4 toddler interested: PBS Between the Lions, any LeapFrog DVD, Word World, virtually any TV show on Noggin (Pinkey Dinkey Doo, Dora, Diego, Max and Ruby, Maggie & the Ferocious Beast) all of these shows she's not only entertained but has actually LEARNED something! She is much further ahead in school at her age than her brother who didn't watch these type of shows but liked more things on Nickelodeon.

Experts will tell you TV is evil...but only if it's junk and you use it as a constant parenting crutch. As an educationl tool and a sanity saver...it's a godsend! :)

When the baby goes down for her nap give your little girl your undivided attention and let her know you are there for her and this is your special time together. If children are given what they crave in abundance they will move on to greater independence without worrying that if they do not engage you constantly you might just forget all about them or send them away again or give all your attention to the other members of the family. If you need some time to yourself other than when the one year old is asleep and the 3 year old is in school, get a baby sitter to come and play with her while you go out and do something for yourself, or arrange a play date (take turns) with another 3 year old so you can have some time at home while the younger one sleeps. It won't last long.

Hi M.!

From the moment my daughter was born, she's been "high maintenance" and sounds just like your description. My 3 1/2 year old son is the opposite and can entertain himself for long periods of time. My 5 1/2 year old daughter does drive me crazy at times.

I've read the other responses...they make it sound so easy! My daughter hasn't napped since before her second birthday. She does enjoy helping me with my chores, sometimes.

Here are my three suggestions:
1. Self-directed crafts - one of my favorites is dried beans, a puddle of glue on a plate and a small paint brush for the glue. It keeps my daughter busy for quite awhile - gluing beans on a piece of paper. We have a craft bucket my daughter can choose at any time. There is a bit of clean up involved, but well worth the 15-30 minutes of quiet.

2. Television - I try to choose nearly-commercial free tv (Sprout, Noggin, PBS). We watch a good deal of tv, by the way, and my kids are fine - healthy, happy and smart.

3. Once a month go out by yourself or with a girlfriend, and do something that does not have anything to do with maintaining your household, children or husband. For example, no shopping for the house. I usually go for coffee and a treat with a friend.

Oops - gotta go - darling daughter needs someone to entertain her!

Good luck!

You might like to check out John Rosemond (www.rosemond.com). He has a lot of ideas and well-founded philospohies. His Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children is excellent.

"Needy" and "3 year old" are redundant. Same with "high maintenance" and "baby" or "toddler". They're all needy and require a great deal of maintenance. I've typed two sentences and during that time I've had to open the minivan so my 4 year old could get her sticker, peel it off the wall after showing it to me, find a piece of paper to display it on and put together some tinker toys so she could "hammer" something. I once read that preschool-aged children require their parents on AVERAGE of every 4 minutes.

I also have a 7 year old and can say, trust me, she'll grow out of it and become more and more capable and willing to play for longer stretches of time by herself. However, in the mean time, you need to do what you can to save your sanity.

I know some think TV is evil, but there are some videos that last no longer than 20-30 minutes and are educational. It's not the end of the world if she watches something like that. And when nap time stopped for us, we used the time as quiet play time. I wouldn't make her get in bed, but I'd make her go to her room during nap time. She didn't have to sleep if she didn't want to... she could flip through books, or play any toys that didn't make noise. As long as you are spending some quality time with her every afternoon... reading, doing projects, playing games, etc., then it's okay tell her that mommy is doing X and right now she can either do Y or Z and don't give in. You may have to keep reminding her that she needs to be doing something else or that mommy can't help right now, but if you are in the middle of something and she is safe, then don't drop everything. If once in a while she doesn't HAVE to figure what to do on her own because she can come bug you and you'll appease her, then she'll never learn the art of independent play.

Hang in there... it gets better. She really is at an age where she requires mommy very regularly... how much you respond to that is up to you.

I have found occasional use of educational videos to be great...like Leapfrog Letter Factory or the like. Watch it with her the first time...Then be farther away the next time she watches it, until she is comfortable watching it by herself and you can get what you need (housework, dinner, tea break, whatever) done with an ear to her and a sanity break.

Also there are exercise videos for kids, like Yoga and other things that help kids (and sometimes moms too) exercise in structure way that is engaging and manageable in the indoor environment.

She's normal. My son is 5 and still does this. It drives me batty. I try not to do things that require a lot of focus on my part. My other son also naps for about 3 hours. My oldest and I take the baby monitor and usually go outside. I'm able to tell him to search for 5 bugs, 2 worms, etc while I can read a novel. It helps both of us. He learns to count and be aware of his surroundings and I get a 3 minute reprieve to read. I hope this helps. Good luck!

I just saw your request and wanted to thank you for posting it. I have the same thing. At times I get so frustrated. I find myself constantly saying, "You are a big girl. You should be able to do this yourself." After reading the responses, I have a little bit better understanding. It was good to see the different prospectives. Hopefully, I can use these ideas to help me be a little bit more understanding and a better mommy. Thank you.

Hi M.,
I would like to encourage you to enjoy your girls whenever you can. We have raised two boys (now 18 and 16) and can tell you that the best is yet to come. Your girls will become good friends and entertain each other very well before long. You are definitely doig the right thing by being a SAHM. All the best to you and your family.
I. C

Dear M.,
Many of the people who advised you here recommended the use of TV programming. I just wanted to point out that research has clearly shown that exposure to TV especially for those children under 2 leads to problems in focusing attention by age 7. The more exposure children have to TV the harder it becomes for them to focus. If you have ever noticed how TV screens and computer screens look on TV when you can see the screen scrolling over and over, that is what we are actually seeing. The developing neural pathways in the brain are highly affected by this leading to shorter attention spans. If we look at the rise in diagnosis of ADD we can see a correlation. Of course TV and video and computer are not the only causes of this phenomenon. We have also seen the role of nutrition, exercise, and sensitivity to environment.
THIS IS IMPORTANT: I urge all parents being told they have ADD/ADHD children to take note of the following:
1. There is no medical proven diagnosis for this condition. It's just a list of observable behaviors.
2. The drugs prescribed for it are powerful, and have extreme side effects.
3. The characteristics of giftedness and the "symptoms" of ADD/ADHD are almost identical.
4. Often what is most needed is a different educational environment, not drugs.
I know this is off topic a little, so back to TV. Please stop using it as a babysitter, especially for children under 2.
Thanks,
Z. Lightway
M.Ed

Mine is often the same. What *sometimes* works for me is to get her involved in the stuff I need to do around the house. Depending on what it is, I make it optional; but she will sometimes spend 1/2-1 hour helping me cook dinner or clean up--we get some bonding time, since little sister can't help & I am not feeling trapped by her needs.

Hi M.,

I too have a needy little girl - but I hate to break it to you most kids want/need attention. All of my firends have childeren and I would say I have one friend out of 15 whose kid likes to play by himself. It is human nature to want interaction. I know that you were probably used to having a break during naps when you had just one child. If you need a break in the afternoon I would suggest taking her to daycare or hiring a fun babysitter two afternoons a week who can come to your house while you are there doing other things, relaxing, etc. The good news is that when your baby gets older they will play entertain each other. Every stage only lasts for a while. Have you though about going somewhere by yourself when your husband gets home from work?

Just throwing out a couple of ideas and just so you know you are not alone most kids want undivided attention and it is very hard. I think most of us are all very close to insanity on some days.

Can you plan to have the time when your little one is napping to just do activities with the 3 yo? Take a clue from what she's interested in, but also plan activities that will be fun ways for her to learn skills you'd like to have her get at this age.
I'm assuming from your message that the older girl doesn't nap. That is a bit surprising, especially since she is in school in the morning. Children who attend school usually are so busy they are tired by afternoon and need at least an hour nap. This might also be something to consider... is she 'needy
because she's tired? If she hasn't been napping, introducing it might be tricky. A possible way might be to make a game of it and lie down with or near her yourself. Maybe read a book or just talk quietly with her the first few times until she gets the idea and begins to relax and sleep.
These are just a couple of suggestions I can think of at the moment. I hope you find a solution both for your sake and for your daughters.

Hi M.,
I have the same problem sometimes with my three year old, and not only does it drive me crazy, I don't think it is good for her to get my attention all of the time. One thing that has helped is that I will place limits on how much I will play with her. I will tell her that I am going to read or play with her for a specified period, and then I am going to do something else (read, work, computer, etc). She likes the undivided attention, and then she seems happy to go play by herself for a while. I don't make a big deal about it--I just tell her that this is what we are going to do. I think it is good for her to learn that other people have things they like to do, and that she can't always be the center of attention.

The other thing is that having too many toys out all of the time can seem overwhelming to a child and it is hard for them to choose what to play with. My husband and I will routinely hide toys for a while. If we need to get something done, we bring out an old toy and she will be occupied for a while with her "new" toy. And if all else fails, a little Curious George on TV!

Have her help you!!!! I have 2 grown children with 2 children each. I always got them involved with me for this reason. It truly works. My 3 yr old grandson loves to help and do what ever I do. Parents can not believe how well he does with me. I am organized (have to be) and he stays with me alot. I bought him a bisol vaccum (19.00) so he would not get hurt with rotor brushes. When he is done he ask me to unplug if he wants to move on..If I cook he is beside me. I even let him do dishes while I cook dinner. Of course I check all. But the piont is he is learning , helping and feels like he is . I never have any trouble. All my grandkids do same thing. It is wonderful and they feel so helpful. He does not now go to preschool , used to not anymore. Good luck

Well I have to say I am so happy to know I am not the only mom out there who feels on the verge of insanity more than twice a day!!!!
I can say though that the more time I DO spend with her the less she "needs "( she turned 3 in december) also she is growing SOOOOOOOOO fast that I can really see now how these precious moments will be gone for ever one day.
Thanks for posting this , It was so nice and refreshing to hear the responses , especially from the mothers whose kids are just about grown now.
I will cherish our time even more now!
with love and gratitude.

Hi M.,

My daughter was the same way. From birth she was so clingy that I couldn't find daycare who would keep her after the first day - she cried and screamed the whole time I was gone - same with babysitters - once, and they were done. The good news was that I knew in a restaurant or mall that she would not wander off like the other kids, she clung to me. She was better when her brothers (my step sons) were around.

I found that she liked to "help" mommy. So I would let her put away laundry, put away grocerys (that she could reach), dust, etc. - anything to keep her busy.

I also exchanged play dates with other moms. While the kids still need close supervision, I found I could get out the toys, find a video for them, or put on music, let them play while I read or got a little cleaning done. She was great having others over, but going to someone else's house was tough, but the other moms were very good with the distractions. We moms all tried to be known for a special treat - one house was the playdough house, one was fingerpainting, etc. so that the kids looked forward to going over. We tried to schedule our "dates" so that we all got two days a week to run errands for a couple of hours without the kids. Sometimes I would have three kids at a time, and it worked out well.

My daughter was clingy until the middle of second grade. The majority of play dates were at our house. There were very few people she felt comfortable with. Now in third, she enjoys going over to her friend's houses and playing and sleeping over.

Good luck to you.
J.

Can you have her nap? My daughter is 4 and a half, and i still make her "Nap" for my sanity. And hour or two in her room playing is heaven sent. Some days she just can't seem to settle down and it ends up only being half and hor, but who cares. It's still a break for both of us in the afternoon and teaches her to amuse herself if she's not actually sleeping.

You have certainly received some very good advice here. Expecially the "too many toys" philosophy.

I have to tell you, your story sounds exactly like what I wnet through with my daughter at this age. She is now 6 and everything is rosey. But at 4 she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.

I am certainly not telling you that your child has something that needs a diagnosis but if all the parenting tips fail and tips for directing your child and discepline fails then look further. Occupational Therapists are fabulous at evaluating typical behavioral challenges against something that may be more serious. With our duaghter we applied Occupational Therapy mixed with the biomedical treatment for autism and today is fully recovered.

Quite often something that looks like a behavioral issue can simply be an indicator of something more serious. Exhaust all the parenting tools and if that doesn't work then look further because early intervention, when needed, is critical.

For symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder go here, http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-proces...

I see you've already received many responses to your original request, but I wanted to throw in my two cents. I read a book called "Making the 'Terrible' Twos Terrific!" by John Rosemond, and he says one of the causes of boredom in children is having too many toys. They prevent a child from developing their own imagination and self-reliance, and so they need someone else to make sense of the chaos for them. Granted, it's hard to not buy things for our kids when we can afford them. Add doting relatives to the mix, and our little ones are drowning in amusements before the age of two. But limiting their toys and also requiring them to entertain themselves for greater periods of the day is not child neglect, and will serve them and you well as they grow. I also highly recommend Rosemond's book "A Family of Value." The advice is common-sensical and has really helped us with our first.

My granddaughter was the same way. I found that if I spent about 45 minutes or even as long as an hour playing with her, then I could say okay, grandma is going to do so and so now and she was happy to continue playing on her own. I just had to give her her attention first. sometimes, not always, I would say I'm going to do so and so now and when I'm done, I'd love to play a game of whatever with you. That way, she knew more was coming!

Maybe you could hire someone to watch your little one during nap time once or twice a month while you and the three year old go do something special? She could just be feeling like you don't spend enough time with her (even though you are there 24/7) and need some 1 on 1 attention. I completely relate to your feelings and am looking forward to what suggestions are put forth for you :)

Hi M.,
My daughter is also 3.5 and has her very needy moments. I've had some success with putting her in her room or the play room and turning on some music. I tell her that I need her to play with her dolls (or color, or whatever) until the music stops. I try to use one of our shorter CDs so she's not in there forever by herself, but 10 or 20 minutes with a quiet activity is usually fine. And (drumroll please) if I REALLY need her to keep out of my hair for a little while... I put on a movie! She has a comfy little beanbag chair and I just plunk her down in it and turn on Nemo for the 85th time this month... works like a charm! =)

Hi - I'm right there with you. This morning, PBS cartoon, cheerios, blankie and I still couldn't get through a 10 minute shower (HAD to wash my hair - you know the feeling I'm sure) without a visit. Then she fell and was crying, so I'm dripping through the house when I hear "that" cry. Auuggghhh. Thanks for posting, I like lots of the ideas.

She sounds just like my daughter! I too am at a loss. I try art projects, cooking (which she loves), playing blocks or tea party with her dolls. But if I'm not with her every minute she starts acting out to get my attention. I hate relying on movies to give me moments of peace and would love ideas as well! And she hasn't napped since she was 2 1/2 except at school where she is twice a week so I can work.

Barney and Sponge Bob should work if you have it.

Hi M.,

I have three children ages 8, 5 and 3. They all have one hour of mandatory quiet time where they spend time on their bed with the choice to sleep, read, think or pray. Their feet are not allowed to hit the floor or they have a consequence. Of course they always choose to read (and sometimes my 5 year old chooses to sleep). Children do need to have attention, but one hour out of their day, learning to entertain themselves is good for them. My 8 year old developed his love of reading through quiet time. I should mention that the idea is that the quiet time is mandatory for mom too.......but it's hard for me to resist taking the time to get caught up on all the things that I have to do.