We Don't Want to Travel with Other Families Ever Again but We Have Plans To

Just tell her you feel like you need some family time - you want to bond with the kids and Hubby - and so you won't be traveling with others/friends for awhile

Just tell her that you want to have a family vacation so you all can bond. Don't suffer - it's not worth it.

Just be truthful about it. Tell her that you liked going to the vacation, but that travelling with her group was stressful.

P.,

I've seen both of your questions this morning. I don't know you, and I don't want to appear to be rude or dismissive, but have you considered talking to a therapist about getting comfortable making boundaries and sticking to them?

It seems like you have a lot going on in your life. I don't think you need to abruptly say to your friend "I don't plan on traveling with your family in the future." But if you feel that way, just don't even bring it up. Do what you need to do. If your friend asks, you can politely say "you know, my husband and I both agreed that we'd like to take some trips for a while just as family time" and graciously leave it at that. Hopefully she will accept that at face value and move along. I sort of believe that if you can't afford to take a trip on your own, you don't have any business going on a trip. That's just me. I don't spend money I don't have and I don't believe that someone else needs to offset my vacation expenses. If you think she has a presumption in this regard, giving her clear information will help her change her expectations.

Maybe start with the book "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner (which deals with relationships, expectations, making healthy changes and communication-- her insight is that the anger that comes up for us isn't bad-- and you do sound frustrated-- but that the anger is a signal that something needs to change.) Another good book I've heard highly recommended would be Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I think this is the crux of both of your questions this morning-- how to convey expectations and keep reasonable limits without A. feeling bad or B. feeling like you are making others feel bad or C. Making others feel bad for asking. There are gracious ways of saying no, even when others are pressing for a yes. It's a life skill, not easily learned, but it's never to late to learn, right? :)

I would say that you and your husband decided to take some vacations on your own with the kids. I would NOT try to hide it from her, she will find out through the grapevine and that will make it worse. Don't ever feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. My ex husband and I went on a cruise with another couple once (notice I said ONCE) and it was horrible. We didn't like to do the same things, we went to bed early, they were up late partying, etc. We said we would never do it again and we haven't. So just tell the truth, you decided not to go on vacation in the future with anyone else, you don't even need to give a reason. Good luck.

We generally don't travel with other people either; at most we will meet up with family at a location. But even then we like to have our own room, etc.

It might be helpful to read up on boundaries. It sounds like you are confused about how to set appropriate boundaries (in a nice way) without losing friendships. Yes it's good to go out of your way for friends but that doesn't mean you don't have your own needs and desires too. It really is OK to have your own preferences.

You don't "owe" her a trip together just because she was supportive through your illness.

I would want to spend that time bonding with my husband and kids. And I would tell her that if it comes up. If she doesn't respect your feelings how "real" is the friendship anyway? Friendship is a two-way street.

Good luck.

I would simply tell her that you and your husband have decided to take a vacation when he is available, just for you and your family, as bonding time. Or handle it as Suz T. suggested.

You are not responsible for your friend's vacation. It is okay to have boundary lines, even with people you love.

no, i totally hear you. traveling with other families might be a huge lark for a lot of people, but for us it's nightmarish. we haven't tried it with friends, but with various family members, and for us (not the kids, they've had a blast) it was something to be endured, not enjoyed.
LOVE that you refuse to lie about it. that's always my philosophy, and i'm always shocked at how often it's recommended on this site. not even so-called 'little white lies' which i consider to be squirmy rationalization.
you HAVE to be upfront, and it should not cost you the friendship. and always, always, the KISS principle. over-explaining is almost a guarantee of backfire. 'love you, my sweet, but the travel with the kids thing is just not in the cards. i've been thinking about it, and it's just not how i'm wired. what i'd LOVE to do is figure out when you and i, all by our onlies, can do a weekend girlie spa trip.'
if she asks if it's about her kids' behavior, again, SIMPLE. 'of course not! i adore your urchins. no, it's me and my own ability to relax. it's all i can do to manage my own without stress.'
but don't sound hesitant or apologetic. DO make sure she hears love and appreciation in your tone (not in a torrent of words.)
don't let this angst you out, hon. you've got enough on your plate.
khairete
S.

She already knows that her kids are difficult. So, you not wanting to go on a mini vacation isn't going to come as a surprise.

You can tell her that you love her and value her as a friend but that all the kids together traveling didn't work and isn't going to work and as such, you have decided to do the trips with family only.

Its the truth without coming out and saying her kids are terrible and you want to run to the hills!

It's not a stupid question, and while I am sorry for your stress level, don't just put all the blame on yourself!

I think you can try the love/logic approach suggested below if you feel you have the time to learn/master a new technique.

But I think it's also okay to say to her that you value your friendship with her but you don't think traveling with anyone else (not just her) is for you or your kids. Everyone gets set in their routines, and having a play date is very different than being in close quarters and being on the same schedule. It's hard enough to get you and your kids to agree on something to go see or do, and once everyone is coordinating meal times and departure times with another family, it adds more into the mix.

You don't have to say that her kids are badly behaved and you don't even have to get into different parenting styles. But she's already given you this "out" by telling you it's been a problem for her in the past! So she KNOWS this is an issue and hopes you can rise above it. But that's not your job.

I may be very off on this, and you know the situation better than I do of course, but ask yourself if this woman has been so supportive of you in the past precisely because she DOESN'T have or keep other friends because of her style or her kids' behavior! I have a neighbor who has been friends with a long string of people over 20 years - she's in tight with them, does everything for them, is at the head of the list when there's a problem like a serious illness in their families, and so on. Then when the time is right, she swoops in with her big need, and it's so overpowering and unrelenting that she drives people away. It starts out fine, then her demands are so far beyond what she gave in the first place, and she leaves a whole bunch of people who feel guilty in her wake. After a while, they don't feel guilty, they break off the friendship, and she moves on to someone else (usually badmouthing the last friend).

While my neighbor is more of the bitter and angry type, your friend sounds more like the sad type. But honestly, if she put as much effort into her kids as she puts into being your friend, she'd have a lot less stress in her life. It's almost as if she needs to reassure herself that she's a good person by being so helpful to you, because if people judge her by her children, she'd have zero "worth" in her mind.

And if you lose her friendship because you won't travel with her kids, then it's not a true friendship after all. Be very happy that you tried a weekend before committing to a whole week or more!

I think you have a number of possible courses of action, but none of them involve traveling with her again. And no, don't lie and don't have your kids hide their plans, although you don't have to boast about your planned trips without her. The fact is, the vast majority of families DO NOT travel together - for precisely the reasons you observed. It's not a value judgment - it's just a style question, and the desire of families to just be together after sharing their kids with school, teams, activities and neighbors all year long.

not a stupid question! We have traveled with friends and family but do not share cars/rooms. EVER. We do what is best for us as a family and if we can all do things together, great.

I know you are putting it all out there but your two questions, you don't come off as a nice person. Pretty much they read like I need to use these people but when I don't need them I don't want them around.

You want their support, then you want them to go away. You don't want to hang out with them when you are well but you don't want to offend them so they are there to help you when you need them? That doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Hopefully I am reading this wrong.

Honestly, I think especially because you are ill and may need more treatment you have a perfectly "acceptable excuse".
No need to tell her that you don't want to travel with them because her kids are brats.
Just say that you just don't want to make any firm plans right now and you and your family will play it by ear. It's ok to let her know that you will still go to these places and no need to ask your kids to keep it a secret - just tell your friend with everything going on in your life right now, you will just be focusing on your own family for now.
Good luck.

ETA:
I want to add this after reading the post that says you don't seem to be a nice person because you use people and then want them to go away when you don't need them anymore.

I went back and read the post she was talking about. Here's the thing: you PAID THESE PEOPLE MONEY to help you. You HIRED them. They keep coming back asking for more PAID WORK. Including their teenagers driving your children around.

You are NOT using people. The post says you aren't being a friend, but the OPPOSITE is the truth. THEY aren't being friends. They are trying to use YOU by continuing to bug you for more work.

There is a difference in people you hire and friends. You need to figure who in your lives are friends and who just want a paycheck through you. I would NOT hire friends to help you when you have your next surgery. And no, never hire friends to manage your rental property. You hire people who have good references and are used to doing this kind of work. You hire people who, if they don't do a good job, you can terminate their services with absolutely no worries about your relationship. And you hire people who you can say to them "I don't like how you are doing x,y and z and you need to change it, or I'll find someone else to do it."

If anything, I think maybe THIS is your problem. No hiring friends, P....

Original:
Whew! There's some real honesty on this thread today! What some people have gone through traveling with other families would make a movie!

Truly, I just would NEVER let things go as far as some. When there are very different styles of parenting, it's a given that too much "togetherness" isn't going to work. It's also a shame that friendships have been destroyed BECAUSE the boundaries that should have been there, weren't.

Rather than look at it like you don't want to lose her friendship by saying no, you should be thinking in terms of the fact that it will strain and hurt your friendship for you to say yes. Make your own plans. Don't tell them where or when they are (so that she doesn't show up to your shock...) The next time she asks, AND SHE WILL, just tell her that you've decided that your family needs to have private vacations. If she asks why, just tell her that you two's family dynamics are too different to put together again. Tell her that you cherish her friendship and that of your children's, and this is the best way to do things.

Stop feeling guilty that she doesn't have the money for a vacation. It's not your fault and it's not your job to finance or subsidize her vacation. Don't talk about how great the vacation was in front of her when you get back.

You know, just because someone asks, doesn't mean you have to even consider whatever it is that they ask for. Nervy Girl has written you a very important post, and I hope that you'll read it several times and take it to heart.

Just tell your friend that you value time with her but that you need to spend time with your husband and kids alone to bond and make family memories. She is your friend - you just said how bad her kids were and that other people think that her kids are annoying and badly behaved. Maybe get a love and logic book and read up on the technique. When you are with her and her kids and they misbehave, mention that you use the love/logic techniques and ask if she has ever tried those. Is she oblivious to her children's bad behavior or does she acknowledge that they misbehave? If she doesn't get them under control, she is going to become more isolated and more dependent on you.

I have a friend like this, and we do allow her to join us for two trips each summer. Two of her kids are special needs and a little hard to take. I figure if she can deal with them all the time I can handle them for a couple of trips. We make the best of it and end up having a good time anyway. We don't spend all of our time together when we are away either. She may spend an afternoon at the beach with her kids while I take my kids hiking. She is a very supportive friend and sweet person, the first person who will show up at the door with a casserole or a cake when there has been a death in the family.

You don't have to travel with other families. You don't have to use the same car or same housing when you do. If you do travel with friends, you can very gently tell this friend that you and your family need your own personal space so that you can take breaks if you get tired, or in case one your children need a break for behavior, or someone gets sick, and you can have some private time as a family in the evenings before bed. Don't make it about her or her children. Establish these rules and if she can't go along with it, then you don't go along with her.

Please learn to say no, okay? Don't let people keep taking advantage of you.

I agree with Suz. Just tell her you love her, but it just didn't work out for you. Honestly, I love my husband, but we couldn't travel together in the beginning because we had such different styles of "vacationing." We did learn to work it out though. :)

Or, would you maybe be open to traveling with them but just not sharing a vehicle and/or room? Often times, when we do 'extended family" trips together, we make sure that everyone has space to 'do their own thing" while still being able to get together for dinner as a large group.

If you'd rather just not see them at all, just be upfront and say that you really value this time that you have with your family and you don't want to be distracted. And, I love the idea of offering a "girls only" time to your friend.

There is no way to tell her you don't want to be around her family without hurting her. There is no shame in being honest with her about how you feel, but don't be surprised or hurt when she pulls away from you. You could probably get away with a couple trips by saying you really need "family time", but unless she is stupid or simply clueless she will figure it out. My advice would be to either find a way to make the trips more fun for everyone, or tell her the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

It's a hard situation, but you need to be honest. Don't keep your trips a secret, as she will find out and she'll be hurt that you didn't invite her along. Tell her that, after several trips with other families (not just hers), you and your husband have decided that you want vacations just to be you and your children. Emphasize how it's the only time you all have together without other activities and things getting in the way and that you really want the quality time together. Say that, as much as you love traveling with friends, you need the time to regroup as a family.

Find other things to do with your friend that are fun and special. Visit the local zoo, amusement park, museum, etc. Find day trips to take together that don't require long car rides or overnight stays. If you find special things to do, you'll maintain the friendship without ruining the vacation.

I haven't read the responses yet but I'm confused? You went away for a weekend with her & her kids (without husbands) and now you ALWAYS have to vacation with her and her kids? I personally NEVER want to travel/vacation with others ever. We don't vacation very much and when we are able to afford it, I certainly don't want to be with anyone other than DH and DD. We value our family/private time - always, not just during vacations.

I see absolutely no reason why, if the subject comes up, you couldn't just say - we really enjoyed our time away with all of you, but we've decided that we really value our privacy/family time and we won't be vacationing with others in the forseeable future. If you have health issues, then a reasonable person would understand this. No other explanation is necessary.

I completely agree with Doris Day's ETA.

What if you did this one last planned trip with her and then let her know you would like to do a trip with just your family.

Could you do a girls trip with her once per year and leave the kids at home with the dads. it could just be for a weekend.

At one time, we took our niece or nephews with us on vacation every year for several years and then I told my husband no more. I don't want to be responsible for someones elses kid and I want to just be on vacation with my family. I know its not the same.

Would you be willing to travel with them if you had separate vehicles and accommodations? Maybe you can tell her that your nerves are bad and you need to spread out while riding, espceially following your recent health issues.

If her kids are an issue, then they just are. Sorry that it hurts her feelings, but acting like it isn't so won't fix the problem. Next time she mentions her hurt feelings, have a discussion about it. Ask her why people say this and does she think that there's merit to it. Encourage her to look at it without giving her your criticism.