Juniper's idea to take a cupcake with her is a good idea. My granddaughter is allegic to peanuts. Parents of the kids to whose birthday parties she attends nearly always ask about allergies. Red # 40 may be difficult to identify in foods and that makes it more difficult for the parent to plan but most would be willing especially if you helped in the food department. If the parent plans to have candy you could offer to provide some that your daughter can eat and share with the others.
You mentioned not being able to have chocolate. Does it have red #40? Always? I don't think I've seen red in the ingredients lists.
I also wonder what her reaction is to red # 40 and how you tracked it down in foods. Same for prunes. Prunes have caused rashes around the mouth of some babies I know. It wasn't an allergy or a digestive sensitivity. It was a skin sensitivity which was solved by either immediately washing the face or applying vaseline or a lotion before the baby eats. Babies faces often break out because of smearing food.
I have many adult onset allergies and have found that if I don't eat some things for awhile that I can eat limited amounts on special occasions. Therefore, when there is chocolate cake I can have some if I want. But with other foods I immediately get hives and/or itchy throat and ears causing me to be less likely to try them.
Are your daughter's allergic reactions severe? What does the allergist advise. Has he prescribed an epi-pen? Perhaps your daughter could have a limited amount at party's. Most food allergies cause discomfort but are not life threatening. It's important to avoid the life threatening ones but it's possible to eat a small amount of the other's without undue consequences.
My granddaughter who is now 7 had several food allergies most of which she has now outgrown. The only allergy that the allergist is concerned about now is the peanut one because it can immediately cause anaphylactic shock even tho there has been no reaction before.
Until she was 5 we avoided milk and milk based formulas because it caused an upset stomach and regurgitating. Our family's philosophy is that we who have allergies (except for peanut) can eat all food once in awile unless we don't want to deal with our body's reaction to it. Monet was glad to not have milk. This takes the situation out of the realm of deprivation and into the realm of choices.
The school has been very co-operative about the allergies. In kindergarten the parents contributed $10 towards snacks and the teacher purchased them. She read labels and was sure to provide only those that did not have the kids known allergins.
In first and second grade all students provide their own snacks but the teacher asked the parents of children with allergies to foods that might show up at a birthday party to bring packaged goodies to keep on hand when the birthday party included foods with allergens.
Ever since preschool my granddaughter has been quick to recognize the foods to which she is allergic and tells the person serving her that she can't eat that. She was allergic (not lactose intolerant) to milk. The school provided fruit juice. When someone would hand her milk she'd turn it down. She isn't emberrased by it but I don't know how she'll feel as she gets older. At 7 it's not a problem for her. She's been dealing with it for years and it's routine. Perhaps she doesn't feel deprived because someone has always seen that she has something similar to what the other kids are eating and drinking. Allergies are so common now that there have always been other kids who also had allergies to something. Her school nurse has epi-pens for 6 kids with peanut allergies and antihistamines for several others whose allergies are not life threatening.
In preschool we took rice milk and cashew butter to the school. The school was small and tried to not bring attention to the fact that Monet's was different. Monet proudly told everybody that she had cashew butter instead of peanut butter and rice milk too.
The way we learned that Monet was no longer allergic to food was to introduce it in her diet after she'd been off it for several months. You can "try" most foods this way. We then took her to an allergist to confirm our results. He gave her skin tests which did confirm that she could drink milk. Since skin tests are not always accurate we still had to pay attention to see if a reaction started once more. We involved my granddaughter in the decision about milk. She said she felt fine and has been drinking milk ever since.
You asked about outgrowing allergies. My aunt was allergic to several foods and never tested them until she was in her 70's and having memory problems. She ate everything and was not allergic to any of it. I wonder if her allergies had cleared up years before that but she was afraid to test for them. She was very fearful. Medicine knew very little about allergies back then. Perhaps she just had an intolerance rather than an allergy.
I don't know enough about your daughter's allergic reaction to red # 40 to say let her try eating what's served. But I can say from experience that providing something else similar for her to have at the same time will help.
I shortened my answer (it's still too long) and would like to respond to your latest comments. Sounds like you have the allergy part under control. You've received some good info that I will think about. My granddaughter also has asthma and her mother is considering taking her to a naturopath. I'll give her the web site listing practioners.
As to schools' cooperation, talk with the nurse. She will understand about food intolerances as well as allergies. Avoiding foods to which one's digestive system is intolerant is important too. If the school doesn't have a nurse, have the allergist list foods to which your daughter has a reaction. Ask him to state that she should avoid those foods. Then include this with the school's health questionaire. The school should respond to intolerances or unproved allergies as well as proven allergies.
Don't feel badly about your "mommy brain." Allergies are so complicated! And it seems that we've been delving into the allergy thing when your main question is how to make life better for your daughter. I suggest including her in the discussion of ways to provide alternatives for her.
Yes, mothers who are dealing with this issue certainly need support. I wish the best for you and your daughters.