What Can I Do to Help My Sons with There Behavior

Bless your heart for everything that you are going through! And I will keep you in my prayers.

First of all, you need to take care of you. Your children are going to feel stressed out if you are stressed out. I know that is difficult, but you will just have to get organized and into a routine with all of the kids. Have rules for all of the children to follow. I know that they have been through a lot, but make sure you are not going too easy on your brothers kids...this will confuse yours. Take time to spend one on one with each child and also try to get them to play together. Since this situation does not seem temporary, treat it like it is going to be forever. Once your son feels this, the strangeness may wear off. I believe he is partially reacting to the stress and the "temporary feel" of the situation. You are right not to punish him too harshly, but you do need to set limitations. Give him a reward chart...every day he gets a sticker, give him a treat, or save up until he gets seven in a row and then he can get a treat.

Do give all of the kids extra love every free minute that you can...grief affects children who are around it, just as much as it affects you. Also, have you discussed what happened with your kids. Do they understand why the other children are with you and have you told them it could be for a very long time. Kids only pick up bits and pieces of what you tell others if you don't talk directly to them. When our close friend and neighbor drowned in her backyard pool, my kids really reacted to my grief. They told me that they didn't want to die, and that they didn't want me to die... these were the things weighing on their little minds, so we had to discuss death and what it meant. Often kids can't really express what they are feeling, but talking and listening can really benefit you both. Good luck and God bless you for the work you are doing raising those kids. We are all here for you when you need us!

When children go through a traumatic event, they act out. Experiencing deaths, and new members recently added to your household on a daily basis IS traumatic for ALL of you. You all make adjustments, and it takes TIME. You said it's only been a couple of months, and children need time to grieve, just as you do. Have you informed your children's schools? They may be able to help both of your children with counseling, or just someone they can talk to outside the home regarding their feelings. Children need an outlet, and right now, all they can do is act out in class. From my experience, yellows mean they made a mistake, but are expected to learn from it and not do that behavior again. It is a warning, not a huge catastrophe. Use it as a tool to say, "Hey, Johnny acted up today and needs to talk about something. Will he talk to me, or his teacher about it? Why don't I ask him what's on his mind." My guess is ALL these kids (and you) have bottled in feelings that they're not sure how to deal with. I would also consult your local health department or church and see what sort of services they offer in the way of grief counseling for children. A child advocate may be very helpful to you and your family, to help point you in the right direction.

Dear Maria,

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. I believe the boys need some counseling to help deal with the recent deaths in your family. When my daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher who was only 42 died of a heart attack. I sat down numerous times to discuss her feelings and talk about the issue, but 2-4 weeks after it happened she started misbehaving very badly in school. It was suggested she talk to a counselor. After the first meeting with a counselor things changed dramatically and my sweet little girl came back. It was very hard for me to realize that as a mother I don't necessarily have the all the answers to help my children deal with certain issues. Hope this helps.

Maria,
I am so very sorry to hear of this terrible loss that your family is dealing with. My pryaers are with you all during this hard time.
It's probably impossible for anyone to give you advice with this situation ~ we all can only really offer a shoulder. You are probably right that the situation is causing a good portion of this behavioral trouble. If not though, I would suggest getting your kids on a good omega 3 supplement. I've tried this with one of my kids, he was always getting into trouble, not big time trouble, but more of a constant nusance type of thing. You might want to consider some counseling for all 4 kids at your church if you have one. They specialise in this and this would be a good place to start. Also, I would make the teachers and school counselers aware of what's going on.
Kids are so in tune with other kids...if the niece and nephew are going through great amounts of grief, your kids could be picking up on this and acting out due to anxiety ~ either with the change in their lives or just not knowing how to handle what's going on. Time will heal of of this along with steady prayers.
As for you...a suggestion from my heart is that you keep yourself healthy and make sure you network with people in order to share your grief and concerns at this time. Ask for help if you need it and know that God will always provide a way.
God bless and I wish you the very best.
Deborah

It is possible that your children are acting out because of the situation. You didn't say, but have you really talked to them about it? Not just the cursory - well their mom's dead so now we have to take care of them - but deeply discussing death and all the issues that they may have? It may be possible that they are grieving too. It also may be possible that they are afraid.

I do know that children need to know that there are boundaries and that there are consequences for their actions when they cross those boundaries. The consequences need to be consistently carried out. They also need to know that they can talk with you honestly about their problems and their questions and that you will talk with them honestly and not dismiss it as being silly or stupid.

If you have a church home reach out to them. You will be in my thoughts.
GJKBEAR

It sounds like this may be the first time that either child has had to process the concept of death. A few website I found indicate that a small child may manifest behavioral problems due to their attempt to comprehend death and what that means to their care and loved ones.

The way a 5 year old understands and reacts to death (and the communication he needs about it) is different than a 7 year's reaction and communication needs. So, you might need to discuss it with each child separately, because talking to both together may give too much information to the 5yo or too generalized info for the 7yo, and result in anger or confusion in both.

Below are some links and portions of the websites with relevant info. They basically say the following points, although a there are also portions on how exactly you might want to age appropriately discuss the concept of death.

1.) They may be reacting to the realization that you could die;
2.) They may be angry that the deceased died and cause instability in their 'world';
3.) They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive.
4.) "Nevertheless, watch for any signs that kids need help coping with a loss. If a child's behavior changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — seek help."

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

While the finality of death is not fully understood, a child may realize that death means separation, and separation from parents and the loss of care involved are frightening. Being cared for is a realistic and practical concern, and a child needs to be reassured. Possibly the best way to address such a concern is by asking the child: “Are you worried that I won’t be here to take care of you?” If that is the case, the reassuring and appropriate answer would be something like, “I don’t expect to die for a long time. I expect to be here to take care of you as long as you need me, but if Mommy and Daddy did die, there are lots of people to take care of you. There’s Aunt X and Uncle X or Grandma...”

The death of a close relative also arouses feelings of anger in both adults and children. We feel angry with the person who died for causing us so much pain and sorrow or for leaving us alone to cope with life. We feel angry at the doctors and nurses who could not save our loved one, and we feel angry at ourselves for being unable to prevent the death.

Children are more apt to express their angry feelings openly, especially when they’ve lost someone on whom they depended for love and care. It is difficult enough to hear anger directed toward the dead and even more so when it is expressed in what appears to be selfish concerns. But anger is part of grief, and we can help children by accepting their feelings and by not scolding them if they express anger or fear. Children need to be reassured that they will be cared for.

Some children turn their angers outward, some inward and become depressed, withdrawn, or develop physical symptoms. If this behavior persists over several months, professional help may be needed.

http://www.hospicefoundation.org/griefAndLoss/helpingChil...

Changes in the child's behavior or patterns might be signs that the child is experiencing problems associated with the death. In these instances, it's appropriate to obtain advice from a specialist in child bereavement counseling.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html
Getting More Help

As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding, and patience to grieve in their own way.

They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever their reaction, don't take it personally. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it's a process.

Nevertheless, watch for any signs that kids need help coping with a loss. If a child's behavior changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — seek help.

You work 9 -5. Who has the children while you're at work? Counsil with that person/persons to see what goes on during those hours. If you're sister-in-law died out of the country and the children's father can't get back in, at some point the CPS is going to step in, and you'ed better have then under control or you'll lose them to the state. If your sons did not act up prior to this, then more than likely, this is the reason. They used to have all your attention and now they have to share and they don't understand why. Try finding a family counselor to help.

Hi Maria,
My Sympathy for you and your Family. I think you should take your boys on a date 1 time a week with just you. This will help them to know that they are very special and number 1 on your list. With the craziness of Dad gone all week and cousins now sharing their mom..... well, kids are very sensitive. I also, know 4 and 7 year olds can comprehend a conversation about what is bothering them and why they are acting out. Assure them they will always be number one to you and always have the most special place in your heart, no one can ever take their place. And I would also talk with them about acting properly... and have punishments and rewards set out for them according to how they behave. Discuss Examples with them and most importantly Just hug them everyday and make sure they do feel like your #1! I have 3 under the age of 5 and an 11 yr old step daughter. Mine usually do start to act out when they feel like I'm sidetracked or to busy with work, Left out etc... Hope that helps. J. Gonzalez

I will suggest asking your boys how they are feeling. Even for adults extended house guests, starting at a new school, having to make new friends, following new rules can be overwhelming. It is no different for children, they really are just small adults. They have feelings of neglect, overwhelm, and "not fitting in". Sometimes just knowing that someone cares about their feelings is enough. If not you may scheudle a time once a week or once a day for 15 mintues just for you and the boys or each child seperately so that they know they matter.
Best of luck to you, you sound as if your plate is really full.

I would like to say how sorry I am for every thing that you and your family is going through right now. You, your brother and all of your children are in my prayers.

Young children thrive on routine. His has just changed drastically. Please Please Please schedule a conference with your sons teacher. Let her know how much has changed in his little world. If she knows anything about children she'll understand. If not then talk to the director. Be consistent with rules at home. Let him know what you expect and be very specific. Let him know what the consequences will be and then follow through. That kind of consistency will be a comfort to him in these tough times. And don't forget to give him an opportunity to talk to you about his grief. Some times adults are so wrapped up in there own grief that children are left to deal with there's all on there own. He may be dealing with it the only way he knows how.

Do you feel comfortable with your school counselor? If you explain to him/her what is going on in your family right now that person can check in and keep helping your boys (and niece and nephew) through this confusing and stressful time. If teachers and counselors know what's going on they are more likely to help your son with his behavior in an appropriate way, rather than just figuring he's a kid choosing to act up.
As for what you can do at home, just be ready to ask "what's going on?" "What are you feeling right now?" and stay by to listen without judgement. Kids work through things differently than adults do. Your sister-in-law's death is probably a huge part of this and they need lots of calm adult attention to feel safe and secure when so much is changing in their lives.

Maria,
I'm very sorry to hear about your recent loss in your family. That must be just terrible to go through. I applaud your courage to step up and take care of your brother's children. Is this a temporary thing until your brother can find a daycare for them?
Regardless, perhaps what you need to do (if you haven't already done it) is having a family meeting with all the children there. Gently and kindly explain to them that you love them all very much but that it's time for everyone to pitch in and do their part to ensure that everyone feels welcome and loved and part of the family (which they already are, of course).
Then, you can take each child aside and let them know that you promised to give a few hours of your time and attention to them and it will be their time only. This can be twice a week or whatever your schedule allows. Hopefully, they will all see that over time, mom and dad still love them and they just have a bigger family to share love with and hang out with.
Let me know if there's anything I can do.

-Jen

Maria,

I am so sorry for your famiy's loss. I want to say that I think you're doing a wonderful job helping your brother by caring for your neice and nephew. As I read your post, I felt how truly overwhelmed you are feeling and I can certainly relate to where you're coming from. A few years ago I too took in my neice and nephew for several months; which left me with 4 kids and also working full-time. I can say that structure and routine REALLY helped a lot. I had the older children get up and get dressed first while I woke up the younger children and helped to get them dressed. The older children then helped to make sure the younger children had their teeth brushed while I quickly cleaned up breakfast dishes and finished getting myself ready for work. The mornings went relatively smoothly as the younger kids felt they weren't being rushed for this or that and the older kids had their "job" which left no time for arguing before we left. Happy mornings = better start to day.

You've had some great advice; and I agree with the poster who suggested you speak to your children's teachers to let them know about your family situation. Just knowing what is going on may help tremendously! Perhaps even speaking to a school counselor may help your oldest child (I'm not sure if the pre-k has one). Also, I want to mention that putting too much pressure on your 4 yr old to do homework and punishing him at home, for something he did at school, will not work in the long run. Do you really believe giving 4 yr olds worksheets is really helping him learn? Young children learn best through play (games, stories, dramatic play, etc). I'm not sure if finding a different pre-school is an option; but your son may benefit more if you "play" with him when it comes to homework time. I'd also leave discipline at school stay at school. You can certainly speak to him and ask him what's going on and share how you feel about his behavior; but more discipline at home could cause more rebellious behavior at home now and in the future. The other advice you received, that I also think is really great is asking for help. Your sister is also busy and isn't able to help as much; but reach out to neighbors, friends, and church members. Set up a playdate for the weekend so ALL the kids can go play or ask if someone would come to watch the kids for a couple of hours one weekend so you and your husband can connect as a married couple without interruptions from children. If you don't take time out for yourself you'll just end up running yourself into the ground. Your health could suffer and then you wouldn't be able to help anyone, not even your own kids.

Wishing you the best of luck!

It seems Dad is doing more harm than good. His job won't let him. Doesn't sound like the right job for Dad. I also understand Dad is doing what he has to do, but he should understand it's all about sacrifice and there's nothing that should come before family. What doesn't make sense is you're home alone with 4 kids and working 9-5, and he comes home only on the weekend. That is exactly why the boys are acting up. Your husband isn't serving any purpose by being away. Hope this job doesn't last much longer. I'm hoping for the best for you and your family.

Sit down with all the kids and have a frank talk with all of them. Ask your kids how they fell about sharing their mom with their cousins. You would be surprised how much you can get out of them. Let them (your kids) know that you love them and that right now the cousins have lost a mom and they too need to fell loved. My mom had the same thing happen in her family. Her aunt and uncle died and they had 12 kids that had to rotate among their aunts and uncles. Thay always saw each other every day, as all piched in to make sure everyone got what they needed. Hope this helps you.

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your sister-n-law and your niece.

In regards to your sons acting out at school, my son starting acting out in daycare and I implemented the rule that whatever punishment you received at daycare/school - you received the same punishment at home i.e. 10 minutes of time-out at daycare/school, meant 10 minutes of time-out at home. After a few mis-behaviors at daycare/school and the same punishment at home - this cleared-up any mis-behavior at daycare/school. Now, as a 4th grader he is one of the best behaved students in class!

P.S. I can not take credit for this idea - my parents did this my two siblings and I.

Sounds like he needs more socialization in his life. Mine is going through the same thing. She is 5 and misbehaves at school alot. So I'm trying to meet more mom's to set up playdates on weekends.

Hi Maria,
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister-in-law and niece. This tragedy and all the changes it brought on must be very difficult for your family, and I'm sure your boys are anxious and stressed out, just like the rest of you. The one thing that jumped out at me about your post was when you said you are having your 4-year-old put more effort into his Pre-K homework. I think he is too young for homework and with all the other things going on that are stressing him out, it is just too much. Is there any way of looking into another preschool that has a 'learning through play' environment? He would feel much less pressured and less likely to act out if he had more freedom to explore the classroom and didn't have to worry about 'keeping up' with his homework. I wish you well and know that you are doing the best you can, so it will all work itself out eventually.

Hello Maria, i can truely feel the pressure you must be under just by reading your situation. I am a mother of two boys who are very active. They are ages 6 and 7. When both of my boys were that young, they did tend to act out at times...no amount of discipline or lecturing would help. So, i sat back and realized that each of my boys, when behaving in such a way, is comunicating with me that they need one on one time, with mommy. Like a date. The time i started doing that, and taking them out to dinner/lunch or just going to feed the ducks individually, i saw a dramatic change in both their behaviors. So, i think they are getting to that age where they need that time by themselves with you...where you can concentrate and love up on them and it be special. My boys love it when we go on dates and they always tell me when they need it...and that is a perfect time for them to talk to me, not fight so much amongst themselves, better in school, etc. Of course, i did discipline them for their behavior because that shows them that it will not be tolerated, however, i always backed it up with love and special time. Having new little cousins running around indicates to them, that my time with mommy will now be even more less.
As far as the other children, it is great that they are staying with you and you are serving your family in that aspect...all i know is that they are greiving in their own way and that you DO need help! it is OK to ask for help and even if that is by a very supporting church family, an extended family, etc. You have a TON on your shoulders and it is completely natural for you to be stressed and feeling overwhelmed...but to be good to any of the kids, you must take care of you and that is saying, "hey, i can not do this by myself, i need help!" There is absolutely nothing wrong with that...and would be smart on your end to voice that. I understand hubby being away for work, im in the very same predictement...but find a way, there is a way...i hope this helps.;0)

Get tough, when they act up take something that they really like away let them know ahead of time it will happen and then do it. Stick by your guns and do it. After they behave for several days they can get it back but when they do not it stays gone longer. They need to know what happens when they miss behave. They are not to young for this. It is important in life to have and follow this rule. The niece and nephew if they are miss behaving may have another reason. But they will need to have rules while in your house also. Talk with the teacher and see if there is something that is starting this behavior there it could be that they are being picked on or teased by the other kids for some reason you never but check. Keep in contact with the teacher she can be your second pair of eyes and let the kids know that behavior at school will also mean that they can loose something they like at home. If possible sit down and try to talk with them they may actually let you know what is happening to them also. Good luck our kids are important and they do have to follow rules just like we do let them know that also.

I've never had trouble with my kids' behavior (I don't have any boys) but all of the families I know that have boys--the boys are just so active, and hate to say it, but BAD! You sound like you have your hands full, and God Bless You for taking in your brother's kids. They are lucky to have you!!

Maybe have all of the kids to some type of project together (coloring or making something) and see if your child maybe acts like he wants more attention than the new additions to your family. Remember your son is adjusting to the new additions as well as starting school and being away from you. Keep doing what you are doing...sounds like you're doing a great job. You will be blessed in the end!!