What Can I Do When My 2Nd Grader Starts "Falling Apart" When He Makes a Mistake?

He is in hell. Please please please move him to another classroom. Good grief. If they won't let him change classrooms then put him in a different school. He's suffering. She needs to retire or teach high school students who'll either listen and take notes or they'll sleep through it all.

he does sound stressed. that big a change in his family routine would do it on its own, and having a teacher whose style is so counter to his own would surely be enough to push him over the edge. families do what families gotta do (when my boys were this age we too were working all the time) but it's tough, isn't it?
that being said, his reactions really sound over the top. by second grade he shouldn't be quite so subject to the whims of mood.
all you can do (unless he's in need of professional care, which may well be the case) is to make sure that your outside-of-school routines are solid and comforting and reliable for him. he needs the structure to help him keep his suddenly out of wack world sane.
i wouldn't give the screaming and dumb talk too much attention. in fact, i'd remove attention from him but ONLY while the tantrum is in place. what he seems to need in addition to structure and reliability is some extra cuddling, and i'd give it to him- but not when he's melting down. i'd teach him that he gets attention, especially positive attention, when he's working on making it work.
and lots and lots of burning off steam when he can get out of the chair at school. make sure he's moving whenever he can. his teacher sounds like one of the ones who could make sitting and learning very unpleasant, so counter that when you can.
i'm sorry it's so tough this year, hon. good luck!
khairete
S.

I'd request that the school psychologist or other student services professional sit in and observe your child. That will also have the side effect of having someone observe the teacher's techniques. If this is happening to your kid for the reasons you describe, it's going to be affecting at least a few other kids as well.

I don't think there's anything you can do from a distance and after the fact - at this age, kids respond to reinforcement, encouragement, intervention and criticism in the moment.

It may also not be a total advantage having you in the same school - your son knows you are down the hall.

But of greater concern is the teacher's style and saying what her class is designed for. She needs to be teaching to all the kids' learning styles, and the sooner you get someone in there, the better. Don't do it as a complaint about the teacher - but as an observation of your child. But the observer(s) will see the whole picture.

I suggest you treat his meltdown similar to the way you treat a tantrum. Don't ask what is wrong. Don't try to convince him he's alright. Be with him. Let him vent. If he doesn't want to be touched, don't touch him.

Once he calms down, sympathize with him. Say something like, "you tried so hard. I wonder if you were frustrated." Or, "that was difficult for you. I'm proud you tried." Accept how he feels. Ask how you can help. Ask him if he wants to try again but don't push it.

I think you're right when you say this is a reaction to changes in his life. I suggest you plan to spend more time with him. Perhaps set aside a particular to consistently spend time with him. He can help you in the kitchen or with the laundry. Perhaps spend a few minutes with him when he first wakes up. Be involved in bedtime routine of 30 mins or so.

I suggest a consistent daily routine will help him feel more secure.

I suggest reading the book, How To Talk With Children So They Will Listen and How To Listen So They Will Talk by Adele Faber and ?

Hi,
I feel that I have walked the same paths during the years I was teaching and had small children. Others have given you varying suggestions about how to improve the school situation. My suggestions are about what you can do at home to ease the stress for all. I'm listing them in no particular order.

1. Establish a routine at home for breakfast, dinner and bedtime.
2. Have the kids lay out school clothes before bedtime.
3. Have the kids make their own sandwiches and pack their lunch bags and back packs before evening tv.
4. Eat breakfast at the table with your children, if only for 15 minutes.
5. Talk about anything other than school at breakfast. (Plans for afternoon?)
6. After school, allow for physical activity everyday. Think outdoor play and indoor dancing! Good for all.
7. Eat dinner at the table with your children every night. It doesn't matter what you eat. I have a friend who served her kids cereal on more than one night. Yes, I know. Horrible nutrition. However, the kids loved the time together and that was more important than absolutely anything.
8. Really, really, examine all the school work you do after school and at home, and honestly assess what is important to your students' learning and what is the extra work that piles on as we try to make our classrooms perfect. Now, scale back what is not important.
9. Consider how you can make home a sanctuary for each of you. A place of calm (you first), a place of peace. Calm voice. Slower speech.
10. Reprimand if you must, redirect more often.

All my best.

Even with the perfect teacher for him, your son would be undergoing unusual stress this school year; add in a burned-out eacher like this one to the mix, and your son's stress and anxiety levels are probably in the stratosphere.

Since you say you don't know what to say or do at this point, please, use the resources your school has for ALL parents! I'd involve the school psychologist and/or counselor immediately. You need some objective, third-party eyes on this ASAP for a couple of reasons.

First, you need someone to observe your son -- not just a few minutes on one day but several times -- and you should push for that professional to meet with your son too. If he and a counselor or psychologist "click," he might benefit a lot from "going to see Mrs. Jones" a few times a week. Second, you should meet with the counselor or psychologist without your son there, to explain the home situation and the poor fit of your child with this teacher's style (and be frank -- yes, you and this teacher are work colleagues and the counselor/psych works for the same school, but your talk will be confidential, and you need to be really blunt about how the teacher's specific style is stressing out your already stressed son). Third, the counselor or psychologist needs to be willing to work on your son's behalf with the teacher--you may need to request a meeting with teacher, counselor and you all there, and that could get touchy; the teacher isn't very likely to allow more moving around in class just because one kid has issues (that's how she might see it) because she'd have to change her style for the entire class. But the counselor should be there to help navigate this with you.

I note that your post only mentions how YOU can deal with your son but does not say whether you have already talked with his teacher about your son's problems, or gone to the counselor. I'm wondering if maybe you don't mention the teacher or counselor because you're concerned that--especially as you are new to this job--the teacher will label you, and by extension your son, a troublemaker--? Any chance that you're worried about how it will be perceived if you as a parent have to criticize someone who is also a work colleague? I think the counselor could help you with that because surely the counselor has seen that before.

BUT I also wonder if even that is enough. You seem to know your son well, which is terrific, and you know that he is probably a "kinetic learner" or at least a kid who needs breaks to release his energy during the day. Knowing that, and knowing this teacher's style much better than a non-teacher parent would....Is there another second grade teacher at the school who would be a better fit for your son? Is there one who will recognize and work with his need for movement? One who can handle young boys' distractedness and, sometimes, lack of impulse control without always treating those things as "bad behaviors" to be punished?

I'd move him ASAP to another second grade class if there is another class and you and the counselor feel it would work better for him. But if there is no other class or you get barriers put up ("We just can't do that...") can you move schools? That is easier said than done, especially if you are the transportation for all your kids to and from school; also, you may not be allowed to transfer a child on the basis of "We feel my child should not be at the school where I'm teaching" (which isn't the real situation here, but they are not going to let any parent transfer based on "My child's teacher has a teaching style that's stressing out my kid"). But find out if you CAN do it.

Before you think about a transfer, though, do go the psychologist/counselor route and get your son some help to deal with his loss--because he's probably seeing himself as having lost you to your two new jobs at once. He's grieving the loss of that time and the loss of what was his usual, normal way of life that he'd had since he was born.

You also want to take care that your son doesn't end up seeing a change of schools this way: "I'm so dumb that mom is throwing me out of HER school so I must be really bad or stupid and she wants to get rid of me...." You can tell him over and over that those things are not true, but what matters is how HE perceives things, and that kind of negative perception sounds like a real possibility, considering how he's thinking right now. Again, there are so many reasons to get the professionals involved, and there should be professionals right there at the school or at least available through the school system.

This is something I experienced during my son's second grade year. All the acting out and caterwauling was about a deeper hope-- that I would rescue him from having do to homework. It got quite dramatic before it got better, however, I had the help of a very progressive teacher.

He stated that from now on, *I* was off the hook for Kiddo doing his homework. "Tell him, if he says 'I can't stand this', that he can write that on his paper and talk to me about it." I had met with he (the teacher) and the school counselor: we all agreed that this was going to take the onus off of me to push Kiddo to get the homework finished and to put it squarely on Kiddo to decide if he wanted: A. more help; B. to come up with a different plan for doing homework or; C. to have the conversation with the teacher as to 'why' he didn't do it.

Things vastly improved. I'm not saying he doesn't have tough days, but now he's in third grade and the hard, dramatic homework days are few and far between. I also use a method with him wherein he works for ten minutes or so and then is required to take a short break. You can google-search the Pomodoro Method -- all you need is a kitchen timer. Sometimes for Kiddo, knowing he only has to sit for ten minutes (and you may need to start smaller, say 7 minutes) and work helps him to concentrate better.

If your colleague can get on the same page with you in regard to this I think it would be a great asset for your son. It will make *him* in charge of the homework; he will have to decide what he is truly able to do and understand or ask the teacher for help. Now, when Kiddo has a day like one you describe, I simply tell him to take a break or "go do that in your room, I don't want to be around that and it's not necessary". He also knows that his homework has to be done before he has media time, but I don't threaten him with it, it's just a fact of life. I find that reminding him of what he's missing out on only ups the ante and makes him more upset.

Lastly, I'll add that my son has ADD-inattentive and punishment did not work for this at all. Instead. creating structure while offering some choices is far more effective. Punishing an upset, angry kid might quell the feelings but it doesn't solve the problem, long term. Non-neurotypical kids don't respond to conventional discipline the way NTs do. I think the gentler option is actually the stronger one in helping our little learner to address his feelings, decide what's important-- and far better to let them have risk small failures in second grade than giving this sort of option in middle or high school. Taking myself out of the equation was the best thing we could have done for both my son and our relationship with each other. Good luck!

Your poor son! I personally would switch him to a different teacher or a different school. My son used to say things like that (wishing he was never born) and we started him seeing a child psychiatrist who is wonderful. He now goes once every other week and he and she are very good friends. She's a cool woman and he and she are quite bonded. She has worked with him to not make a mountain out of a molehill and to take responsibility for his own actions and behaviors. It has been really helpful. I think switching to a different style teacher could make a HUGE difference for your son. A teacher who "gets" kids like him will be the type of person who will make him love school. Many teachers now will have ways to help the wiggly kids....they will put on an exercise video, or let kids sit on exercise balls while they work, or have them all take a 10m yoga break, or have everyone go run around the track to get out their energy. They work on making teaching hands-on and filled with interesting activities so the kids are not sitting and listening all day...but are doing. This teacher sounds dismal and a terrible fit for your son. It sounds like he is extremely unhappy in life....I hope you can help to turn things around for him.

It seems to me that sitting still for lengthy lectures is not ANY second grader's learning style. Second year college students, yes. Second graders, no.

And did your colleague actually, literally say that her classroom is for introverts like herself?

Sometimes a teacher is specifically hired for a classroom of say, deaf-blind students. That teacher may say "I teach in a small classroom and my only students are deaf and blind". Certain other restricted classrooms exist, for children with diagnosed disabilities or situations. No other teacher has the right to say for whom her classroom is intended or designed. She can say "I'm an introvert by nature but I structure my classroom and learning environment so that all my students, regardless of their personalities, blossom and learn and grow."

Of course, every person has a personality, learning differences, strengths and weaknesses. Teachers learn to identify their own strengths and learn to hone their teaching styles. Then they learn to work with the vast varieties of kids who will pass through their classrooms. Sure, some students will test the most dedicated and skilled teacher. Some students make their teacher's job a pleasure. Some students will require that the teacher finds new ways to communicate, to teach, to manage.

It doesn't sound as though this teacher is willing to be a learner. All teachers learn from their students, and they keep learning. If this teacher is unhappy, and has declared that her classroom is for only for introverts who match her personality, well, that's a perfect set-up for failure on every level.

I realize that your son is supposed to behave, but this sounds like less of his problem and more of a problem with the educational setting. I'd change his classroom. I might even be bold enough, when requesting a change, to quote the teacher: "my son's teacher has stated that her classroom is only for introverts, and I think that second graders are too young to be officially declared introverts or any other personality trait, and a teacher is not qualified to psychologically evaluate my child [assuming this teacher does not have an advanced degree in psychiatry]. And being an introvert is not a negative thing, nor is being an extrovert. The world needs all kinds of people, and they all have their strengths and their weaknesses, which teachers should respect and nurture. Of course, some children are quieter, some more rambunctious, some more physical, some more artistically inclined, but they're still young children. They are still growing and developing and I don't want my son in a classroom that is only for a particular type of person at this young age."

Hard situation. I think change does stress some kids out more than others but usually they adapt, over time. Sounds like his routine is not that different (maybe just slightly longer days at school?) and he should adapt to that also. Is he able to go outside and play or is in he a before care/after care school program?

So are these tantrum type upsets in the classroom, or once he gets home? Some kids hold it all in at school (best behavior) and unleash it the minute the walk in door or you get them at school. I have one of those. Still needs time to himself when he gets home from school bus. I've never punished him for this. To me, asking kids to sit all day is too hard for some. Then outside they go - sports or outdoor play (bikes, etc.)

If it's inside the classroom, what's the teacher doing about it? Have you had a sit down with her? Is there someone else at the school who could observe (if you have one?). We've never utilized our school psychologist, but I'm sure they would be helpful.

What does your son say? When you ask him why he is upset, or why he feels dumb, or why he's hitting himself in the head - what does he say? I find I ask too many questions so staying quiet while they just vent can be more helpful. Then I've learned (from this site) to mirror back to them what they are feeling. That can really help reduce their stress levels I've found.

I have a perfectionist type child can get anxious if she screws up and gets stressed by teacher expectations. We just had to assure her that she didn't have to please the teacher (sounds very similar to yours).

We've had 2 teachers like that with our kids and we just stuck it out but really allowed the kids to relax the minute they were outside of school. We got through it. There is something to be said to have kids learn to adjust (whenever possible). Because you can't guarantee you won't have another teacher like this down the road.

Good luck :)

I would talk to the counselor at the school about ways you can help your son not be so hard on himself. If there is opportunity to see the class (we can always sit in on a class and recently had an Open House where we just sat in the back to observe), you might want to watch how she works her classroom. You might then be able to offer her specifics or see enough that would make you ask for a different teacher since he is not doing well in her class.

FWIW, my DD is also in 2nd grade and this year is harder and she is more dramatic about small things. I think some of it is the age and some of it is the teacher. They are more verbal at 7/8 but still little kids in many ways. He may simply be stressed out, so can you incorporate things like active play in his mornings or afternoons? Yoga? There is also a program called Emotional ABCs that you can get online. It teaches kids about emotions and encourages them to take a pause and make a good choice.

Yes, switch him to another school, or at the very least, another class. The teacher does not sound cut out for teaching. Any charter schools in your area?

I have a spirited 2nd grade son. He hates to sit still for long periods of time since he's an energetic male child, but that's pretty much been the case since human beings have been going to school even though modern trends are rethinking the whole school model. My son and all of his male classmates are easily distracted-some of them are off the rails. Every one of my friends thinks it's impossible for their kids to sit still in school even though we all had to in the 70s. We've all had boring, downer teachers from time to time and lived to tell. Today it's the teacher's fault when kids act out, and I feel bad for teachers. I hear you and I know you're not trying to disrespect your sad, frustrated colleague. And it's better to have amazing fun teachers, granted, but my point is only that he probably can handle her old fashioned style with some work, unless you feel he shouldn't have to and can move him to another class.

Are these tantrums happening at home or at school? My son is prone to get extremely frustrated and throw fits when he doesn't get things right, etc, but I'm old fashioned in that I've never allowed that. Yes, within reason, people can get angry and huff off or whatever, but for the most part, once a full-blown tantrum starts-or looks like it's about to start-I give one warning before I shut it down completely with discipline. This has been the case since toddlerhood, so now all I have to do with all three including a born rager is raise an eyebrow and give a warning, "Hey" to notify them they are leaving the reasonable zone and they may want to rethink it before they proceed. Then they pipe down, then we can discuss and validate what is upsetting them.

Of course the behavior is worse at home and they have miraculous self-control and high marks for behavior in school. That's normal.

People tend to think that every phase of a tantrum is a legitimate need to fully express emotions and without that freedom kids can't be healthy. I seriously beg to differ and have seen kids benefit greatly from not being allowed to carry tantrums to the max whenever they're upset. So don't feel guilty to put limits on this.

What has his behavior been through life? Did he throw fits as a toddler? How did you handle it? Is this completely brand new and he was all even-keel before? That would be something for a counselor to take into consideration. If he's always thrown fits and sort of been allowed to let them take their own course, this could simply be a new manifestation of that at a new age and nothing more.

If he's doing this in school, have you tried firm discipline when you hear about it from the teacher so you can warn him, "I will be speaking to your teacher every day, if I hear you have had an episode like that ___will happen." and followed through? Or are you more convinced it's the teacher's fault so you haven't tried discipline? It sounds from this post like you know the classroom isn't right for him and you've only reassured him you love him and told him it's not acceptable behavior-which are great things, but not effective in stopping bad behavior.

I would start with discipline and if it has no affect seek testing for reasons he can't control himself. It's natural for him to have a hard time adjusting to your new hectic reality, but it's not an impossibly difficult reality, so he should be able to stop that behavior if he is healthy. Kids will push the limits if they can.

Always always always make sure he's getting enough sleep at night, and physical activity every day and not eating too much sugar and crazy chemicals.