What Do I Do About My Pre-teen?

my daughter is the same age. i let her know real quick who runs the show around here and its not her. i make sure that i give her my attention as much as i can. i give her the mother/daughter time we both need. i have 2 have patience and have consistancy in everything. i look at her as a mini-me. how would i handle me - how would i want 2 b handled?

u have 2 also look at this......

1. hormones ( body change )
2. peer pressure ( school friend problems or bullies )
3. mom/daughter relationship ( not enough of this in her eyes )
4. dad/daughter relationship ( not enough of this in her eyes )
5. sibling relationship ( b a team/friends not enemies )

build up her self-esteem.

i tell my daughter i love her so many times everyday i loose count. i will ask her - guess what? and she will respond with - what? and i will say - i love u.... sometimes when i ask her - guess what? she will say - u love me..... and i will say - yes i do....
i tell her she is pretty and beautiful all the time.
i tell her that she is smart and crazzzzy ( funny ).
i tell her how much she means 2 me.

we have a " love book ". we write down little notes back and 4th about how much we love each other. she tells me she is sorry if she did something wrong. we tell each other how crazzzy we think the other 1 is. its something very special 2 us.

build up all relationships.

make sure she gets a mom/daughter day and a dad/daughter day at least once a month. and do what she wants the whole day. make sure its the whole day and not just 3 hrs. and just have a blast with each other......

then have a family day at least once a month. let each kid pick a thing they want 2 do then get them all done in a timely manner. dont make these times a chore but a mini-vacation from all the stress. - just go have fun!

u can even find things 2 do that doesnt take much money.
go window shop. go 2 the park. play games. rent some movies.

let her know that there r ways 2 express herself with out getting out of hand, loud or disrespectful.

children will try 2 grow up faster than they need 2.
they will test the waters.
they will try 2 c how far u will let them go.
they will try 2 c what they can get away with.

u and your husband need 2 b on the same page on how yall will handle her and stick with it - have consistancy and show your authority. but watch yalls attitudes and how u handle what she does.

make sure u listen 2 what she has 2 say and how she feels. dont blow her off. make sure u make the time 2 handle her in the right way even if every1's world has 2 stop 4 a few minutes so things can b fixed and every1 can b happy.

everything is a 2-way street in my home.
i give my daughter what i want from her.
if i want a - yes mam - then i give it.
she will ask - mom do u want some of this?
i say - yes mam or i will say yes please, thank u.

i try 2 keep our home fun and happy.
we play around and joke around respectfully.

remember u r not raising children....
u r raising soon-2-b-alduts......
they r looking 2 u 4 guidance and direction not a blow-off.
they need structure and guidlines.
they need love and understanding.

when my daughter started acting up this is what i did....
( and yes ive had 2 do all of this )

1. talk with understanding and love. c if anything is wrong. tell her 2 speak up so u can fix the problem. remind her of the rules and what is expected of her.

this worked somewhat but then i had 2......

2. put her in counseling. this is helping soooo much.
4 her 2 have some1 she can talk 2 besides mom and dad and friends and family works wonders......

but sometimes i have had 2 ground her from her room - all that she has.... because im disabled and can not remove the stuff from her room on my own but if u have 2.......

3. take everything out of her room and i do mean everything.
bed, toys, everything off the walls and everything out of the closet. i would strip her from all i could think of. all she would have is a pillow and blanket 2 sleep on the floor with.

then i would tell her if u want your life back then u will straighten up. having stuff in this family means u r apart of this family and u do what is expected of u at ALL times with out disrespect or problems.

now, when i have grounded my daughter from her room. she has 2 sit and stare at me all day everyday untill she changed her attitude. she couldnt watch tv but i could. she couldnt talk but i could. every time she opened her mouth - i would add extra time 2 her grounding. she got the hint after awhile... lol

--- but if i had 2 put her in her room - out of my site because she is just getting way out of hand then i would have my brother come and get all her stuff and remove it all from the house untill i knew the bad attitude and old behavior would not return.

with me having 2 b mom and dad because my husband ( her dad ) died in 97 - i cant let her get out of hand. i have no1 2 help me keep her controlled.

and her dads side of the family lets her do what ever but she knows that this is my home and my rules so 2 bad 4 her.
and thats what i tell her.... 2 bad 4 u - u r not running the show - i am.... so go b a kid and let me b the mom and lets have fun. then i tell her - i love u babe!

remember children r just trying 2 find their way.

im here if u need 2 talk,
if not then i hope ive helped.

god bless.
--T.

I TOTALLY understand where you've been and what you are going through. I too have a daughter that age. I have been very fortunate thus far with mine and her mouth and attitude. She does test me from time to time and when she crossed the line I had her write me a 2 page letter about RESPECT. What it means, how you give it and how you recieve it. I don't get many results with grounding my daughter because she just goes to her room and reads all the ttime anyways. Once she realized that respect is a two way street she has lightened up and there is hope for the future when the hormones really start raging. I also gave her a good few days of treating her the way she treated me. It did hurt her feeling a little but once she realized what she was doing to me she is trying a little harder. So far as her mothering the littler ones..... I think that most families with siblings go through that. Patience is a virtue and consistancy is a must. Just remind her that we must treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. I wish you the best of luck and keep in mind that you are not your mother or father and you are not repeating history by demanding respect from your children. Disipline is often necessary to rear well rounded and respectful children in today's society. God be with you and your family.

N., Whew! I thought I was the only parent that went through this at this age! Anyway, my daughter just turned 12 and every generation it seems that the age gets younger and younger on this subject. My MIL is disgraced by my daughters attitude (ok! major going overboard here, but she is going to be 70 so I guess she didnt mouth off till she was 18 to her parents :P).. anyway I try telling MIL that this is normal for this age and she refuses to believe that, so anyway sorry I got off topic, but this is exactly what I'm facing now.

Here is what I just started doing and so far it is working for us, and I'll tell you what happened when the alternative also was used (screaming and yelling and grounding and taking things away)

First let me tell you what happened when the alternative took place, when she would make a face or a noise at me or my husband, we would try the old sending to the room or taking the phone or iPod away, yes it worked for a while but then she just got more frustrated and then so did we till the point we were all then yelling and screaming at each other and then my DH and I would be fighting and it was a mess!! End result: my daughter's self esteem went down, because we were all fighting because of her and her bad attitude, she even told me that she was a "Bad" kid and was not Good and she was Ugly and all that, made me want to break down and cry!! So that method is strictly out for us.

Secondly after all that happened, my DH and I sat down with each other and came to this solution: Every time she would talk back or make a face or a nasty noise at us, whoever she did it to would have to stop what we were doing and SHE had to stop what she was doing, sit down and I/DH would ask her (in a VERY calm but firm nice voice) Jule, why did you make that face/noise/mean comment? and at first she would just try to blow us off and say nothing but I am very persistent until she answered me and all the while I am staying completely calm but yet demanding an answer. When she did give it, I would then explain how disrespectful it is to do that to Mom/Dad. Well let me say after 3 days we are actually sitting down and communicating and she is soo getting better, I am loving it. I have to admit tho Im better at it than my DH so when I hear her doing this to him, if he isnt getting it, I will chime in. This is working like a charm for us, it is still frustrating at times but this has been happening on and off since she was about 10 1/2 or 11, not quite as bad as it was getting just recently but I guess that was all leading up to this. Well N., Im sorry this is so long, but I really wanted to share this with you and maybe you can apply some of it with your daughter, let me know if it works.

My sister is having the same problem with her son.. She found a good source for punishment when he disrespect family or her.. She takes away his video games, his tv, anything he gets "fun" or "joy" out of when being sent to his room.. Now days kids like being in side cause they cause play those thing.. But if you take them away what else is there to do?

Hi N.,

I have a 12 yr old also. I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter did the same things. You have to stand your ground and let her know that is not the way to talk to you. Ask her how she would like it if people talked to her in her tones and showed her dis-respect. Ask her if her friends would do that to her how she would feel. At this point in her life her friends are becoming more important and her family is not. Just part of the teenage years. Please let me know if this helps. Have a good weekend.
Brooke

PS Feel free to talk anytime. We can share stories. I have some good ones!

She is not only a "Tween" (Tweens are from 9-12 years old)... BUT she will be a TEEN soon.

Google Search "Tween Girl Development" and "Teen Girl Development" and "13 year old development." Lots of good articles will come up. Read it.

Keep being the person that your daughter can talk to. That is GOOD.
You are the one, that she can be herself with... HENCE, she doesn't have to put on airs with you... HENCE, you get her and all her good or bad moods. She feels safe with you. She loves you. You are her soft place to fall. That is why... she exhibits all her moods with you. She trusts you. So when she is being "disrespectful" or moody.... keep that in mind. Or maybe something is bothering her or maybe she had a bad day.

This is just my opinion. I didn't read this anywhere or anything like that. I think ALL people in general need SOME space. I think the rolling of the eyes business is just her way of expressing that she doesn't like what she's being told and that's ok. We all have things said to us that we don't like or that we don't want to deal with. I do feel that smarting off is not ok because I think that is disrespectful. My son sometimes gets mad w/my husband because of something that my husband has told him to do. My husband gets more upset because my son is mad. I tell him it's ok, as long as he does what you tell him to do. We all get mad about certain things but we deal with it. I think this is your daughter dealing with. As long as she is doing what you've told her to do. If she is complying with your rules, rolling of the eyes is not hurting you. As long as your daughter is not disrespecting you then it's ok. Rolling her eyes is really the only way of expressing her dislike for what you have told her.

Hi N.,
Welcome to pre teen years...lol Seriously I have a 14 yr old girl and have been walking thru this for the past 3 years. It does get better. What I do is just love her. I know it sounds crazy but when my daughter get mouthy with me or sometimes disrespectful I usually have her come over to me and I put my arms around her and say something like "Do I talk to you that way or that's not very nice I would not say that to you." I usually get an "I sorry" or "ok" and she tends to open up more and let me know what's going on with her. It helps her to stop and think and it's done in love. I find that if I am more agressive with her then she becomes more aggressive with me and it winds up being this whole big emotional thing for her and I wind up angry with her. Correction is always better done in love. MOst of the time I find that what is bothering her has nothing to do with me or her siblings she just needs to feel safe in expressing herself and guided to do it in a positive way. It has gotten much better most of the time my daughter can now stop and think before she reacts or says something and she usually does not say it in anger.
My prayers are with you.

V. D.

Hi N.,
It sounds to me like what your daughter is doing is a cry for attention. This is good! If she didn't want your attention something would really be wrong! Maybe she feels a little left out, her siblings are all involved in sports which takes up alot of your time probably (This could be the reason for her acting out towards them). She could be hanging out with really negative kids at school, pay close attention to her friends if you can to see if she mimics their behavior. She's at the point in her life where she needs a mother, and a friend. A real friend will listen to your problems, help when she can, and never judge. Even when the person doesn't take your advice. My suggestion to you would be to find things she likes to do, go to the library, go play mini-golf, the movies, go have pizza, anything you know she likes. You or your husband try to do these things with just her. If you can't go places, go for a walk or plant some flowers together. Anything that gives you alone time with her so you can talk without interruptions. Don't ask her if she wants to do something and don't tell her where your going, when she doesn't have homework and you have a free minute just grab her by the wrist with a smile and say "come with me!" Kids love that. Reminisce on when she was a baby, games you would play and cute things she did and how much you love her. Open up to her and really talk (not fight). Explain to her calmly and lovingly that it really hurts your feelings and others when she acts nasty. And since she's the oldest, her siblings will see and do what she does. Also remind her that you as the parents are the discipliners and if she feels her siblings are misbehaving, she should tell you or your husband instead of doing it herself (this could lead to confusion in your other children). Try to address one issue at a time though so you don't overwhelm her, always finish each outing/talk with a big hug and kiss and tell her you love her very much even when she rolls her eyes. Keep at it and she'll open up to you, just try hard and go out of your way to make her know you need her to be a good daughter. She loves you very much and looks up to both of you. She gets all of her wisdom, caring, self-esteem and confidence from you both. Nobody ever said being a parent is easy, but you can change your child's outlook on life by your presence in it. You're a good mother! Be strong!

I have a son who just turned 12 last Wednesday. We are pretty much dealing with the same thing...smart mouth, disrespect, social butterfly at school, & letting grades slip. He doesn't even have to try to make good grades & he made a 70 on his report card??!! Over the last month he has totally changed. We have grounded our son frm everything...it has gotten so bad that we have taken radio out of his room, taken game boy, no computer, tv, & forget playing outside right now. He has even been in trouble outside playing twice!! MY husband had my son sit on the toliet last weekend for a hour at a time Fri, SAt, & Sun..with no toys &nothing to do. Plus we have loaded on extra chores. I have a daughter too who is 13..she kinda went through this satge right b4 she turned 13 but learned real quick that she has no privileges when she is wanting to go do things with her friends. I can truly say the one thing that I have noticed that IS WORKING is consistency in your punishments. If you say something, you HAVE to stick to it for the entire time and 100%. NO TV is no TV at all. My son is grounded until progress reports come home then we'll discuss what he is allowed to have back and it won't be everything due to his smart mouth. My husband & I were just wondering last night what else can we do?! I know if his room isn't clean today to my expectations I am putting everything in a garbage bag & locking it in the attic until he can start respecting the belongings he still has. These are just some of the things we have tried & are still trying today. COnsistency is the main thing I can say works. Do what you say & mean it...if they see a slight bit of weakness they play on it or look for a out. It is like you have to stay on step ahead of the their game. Good luck to you...I am open for ideas & suggestions too!
S.

My children are all about as far apart as yours, all three are girls. 1st let me say that all girls go through this at that age. 2nd because she is the first, there is probably more pressure on her to help out around the house - this probably started when your twins were born - and less fun attention like the others get. 3rd because you two talk so much, she feels she CAN be disrespectful because she talks to you like a friend.

She needs a parent a this age. Discover what she is good at and get involved in activities assoc. with this talent. Encourage her to do her best but, don't stress her. Same with school - start talking about what she would like to do when she becomes an adult and start seeking out information on how to achieve it. Let her see that the grades she is making now in school are very very important to her success in achieving her goals. Make sure she knows that her goals are important to you as well, but they are her goals and what ever result she gets from her efforts or lack thereof will be what she has to live with. Make it known that mouthing off is not acceptable, let her know up front what the consequences will be if she continues and STAND BEHIND it 100%. A flip flop in judgement is 1000 times more harmful to her than missing a special function or some such activity that you have threatened to take away. I can speak from experience that taking something away from your child - hurts you as well as them. But, the result of giving it to them anyway hurts them far far more in the long run.

I hope this helps.
J., mother of 3
Grandmother of 5