What Do You Do When Your Kids Aren't Home?

Go to the bargain matinee movie, read a magazine, try a new recipe, walk at the park (AFTER you get new shoes!), try to organize O. small area (closet/shelves/room) every stint that the kids are gone. I have a friend that complains about this too.......I know it's hard. But the busier you stay, the sooner it will seem that the kids get back!

Go on meetup.com and find a local group to join. They have lots of groups and you will make new friends.

My initial response was Bon-bons and chick flicks, but it sounds like that won't work for you. Here's what I suggest:
Find a cause you CAN believe in--even if it's not yourself. In fact, the more it leads you to other people and their immediate needs, the better. Get lost in service. You may end up finding yourself in the process. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there--you have value and people need you. You have something to offer that no other person on the planet can give. And, as a shy, introverted person myself, I can tell you that even if we can't open our mouths easily, our hands can do the talking for us. Find a cause, any cause that is close to your heart--elderly, animals, food, environment, mothers, children, books, etc. and dig a little into what your community has or lacks, and put yourself to work. You need to give. Without it you are nothing--I can easily read that from what you've written. So that's my advice. Giving of yourself=finding yourself.

My mother is a widow and empty nester and she is exactly like this, and only goes out when we invite her.

I read an article about things she could do, some of the suggestions was to make a great meal, b/c even being home alone you still deserve something wonderful to eat, and it can be rewarding to learn a new recipe.

You can join a walking club, take a cake decorating class, learn how to digital scrapbook, learn how to make balloon animals (tons of videos online). You said you arent into rafts, but there may be something out there you would enjoy doing, learn to make soap or jewelry or paint ceramics.

On Saturdays, go to the park, feed the ducks, and bring a book. Perhaps a book with short stories instead of a long novel would be good for you.

go to meetup.com and look for clubs in your area. there are tons of different ones out there that you could join.

You could also do community service. Join Big Brothers/Big Sisters and take out a child in need on Saturdays, volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends, or habitat for humanity or doing story time in a library. You would be amazed at how doing something like this can feel so rewarding, and rally jump start your self esteem, energy and drive.

There are tons of things in your area, I know, I used to live there!

So I don't ramble, I'll make a simple list of what I WOULD do if I ever had any time to myself (other than 4 hours a week when I have a babysitter come so I can go to dr, hair, dental appts & grocery shopping.)

1. Join a choir -- either from my church or the local community chorus
2. Volunteer to do office work at a crisis pregnancy center
3. Volunteer at a food shelf
4. Go to a nice, quiet church where I can pray without having to control my kids
5. Go on long walks thru the forest preserves
6. Take a train to the city and spend a day walking around downtown Chicago
7. Visit the museums on free days
8. Once a week I'd pick a family-owned restaurant that I've never been to before and give it a try
9. Listen to a cd that does NOT have B-I-N-G-O on it
10. Find a canoe rental and head out for an afternoon with a picnic lunch
11. Ride my bike as fast as I can for as long as I can along Lake Michigan. (Haven't rode in years since my kids aren't old enough to ride on their own and I haven't bought a trailer.)
12. Check out little clothing botiques which I would NEVER venture into with my rambunctious boys
13. Sit at a makeup counter and get a makeover and then purchase a few items

That's just off the top of my head. Can you tell I miss my alone time?;)

You need to take care of yourself. You said at the end, "I can't find an honest, emotionally available, somewhat financially stable man that's not controlling" STOP RIGHT THERE! Don't worry about a man right now. That isn't going to fix your other problems. Take care of you! Think about it this way - if you take care of yourself, than you can take care of your kids when they are with you. You can be the BEST Mom to them if you do things for you... NOW! OK, so you don't want to read, organize the house, etc.. What do you want to do? What are your interests? Diet and exercise have an amazing way of turning things around for the better. If you could find something, biking group, walking group, hiking group, something that blends great people with a healthy activity - than you have the best of both worlds. Doing something good for your body AND meeting some cool people. Can't find a group - start one! I read your post and see opportunities after opportunities... The best gift you could give your kids is taking care of yourself. My parents got divorced when I was 15. At first my Mom did the same as you - only worse, she started drinking and was VERY depressed, crying all the time, yada yada yada. It was so hard for my siblings and I to see her having such a hard time. Then one day she woke up and changed her life! Made a complete turn around and to this day, I'm so proud of her for not letting the divorce and her depression rule her life. She made herself a priority. She is now a 68 retired AZ resident enjoying life - addicted to line dancing and curves! LOL! She never remarried or even dated. She poured all her energy into taking care of herself and I love her for it! (she sucks as a Grandma, but hey - she's happy and that's all that matters - lol).
You asked, "what do you do when your kids aren't home"
~Workout (at CrossFit, love...love....love it!) I'm there nearly every day, if not working out than teaching a class.
~Have coffee with friends
~Volunteer at the kids school
~Clean, laundry, grocery shop, etc.. - all that fun stuff
~Hang out on the computer - yea, I'll admit it!
~ Babysit for friends so they can get stuff done
~sometimes I do NOTHING!
** I surround myself with positive people**

I am divorced for 8 months and my son is at his dad's half the time and it's all about planning.

I would suggest you get involved in volunteering for a pet rescue organization. they always need lots of help, especially foster homes. that would give you a part time, temporary companion.

I reconnected with my single friends when I got divorced. You can't wait to GET invited, you need to DO the inviting. Invite a friend over for dinner and some wine. Pop in a chick flick.

get involved at your church, including a bible study. if you haven't already done the DivorceCare program, I highly suggest it. You'll meet other newly single moms there. Invite them to coffee or something.

I have almost every child-free planned out to the point where I intentionally plan out Do Nothing nights to have time to sit in front of the TV or soak in the tub.

Hit the dollar theater. Eclipse is playing there now. :)

The first step is the hardest, so Just Do It!!!!

i would walk around naked!!!!! give my self a mani/pedi! go to the casino( if your budget allows) someone else mentioned volunterring at an animal hospital. maybe try volunteering with children or at a nursing home. find new ways to do your hair. go to the bar. play games on the computer. try one of those and see if you like one. good luck!

Adopt a pet! There AMAZING companions~We've rescued a cat and dog and there the most amazing animals ever.. I swear when you rescue a pet they give you just a little more love and appreciation..It will benefit both you and your pet that you saved.. It will make you feel good and they make you feel happy..
I'm sorry your going through a down time in your life..

I know how you feel. I'm in a similar situation. About a year ago, I got involved at Watermark Community Church (near 75 and 635). I went through Divorce Care there and made a lot of friends (it was life changing). A new session just began, so you could join and not miss anything really. It is on Tuesday nights. I'm also involved with their Single Parent Family ministry there (www.watermark.org for more info). I attend worship there on Sunday mornings at 11 and a Bible Study on Tuesday nights for singles who are 20-30. I'm 38, so I barely fit in the age group, but it is an amazing group of people. Please email me if you'd like join me for any activity there!

do you go to church anybwhere? If not that might help to make new friends. That don't have to cost a lot of money.
Are find some place to do some volinter work.
Maybe a mom that never has anytime for herself, you could baby sit her kids for her to go do something fun.
Good luck and be blessed
J. G

Isn't it funny how different we all are? I fantasize about having lots of time alone at my house to read and do things with no interruption. I know you said you weren't really all that into reading, so give some of these things a try: volunteer -whatever may interest you or any charity you support most likely has a way to volunteer (women's shelter, children's literacy programs, nursing homes, pet care/animal shelters, homeless shelters, Habitat for Humanity -the list is endless!). Get involved in some type of religious or spiritual organization. Again, it can be a traditional church or synagogue or what have you, but there are many alternatives out there --Unitarian Universalist, Buddhism, spiritual exploration initiatives, etc. Yoga is very spiritual for many and there are many types of yoga depending on your fitness level. Same goes for martial arts. Often your local YMCA will have very low cost programs. Check out Netflix for movies! You can get movies for $9 per month and never a late fee! Order as many as you want to watch in a month's time (the lowest is one at a time, but you can send that back and order another -they don't care how many you order per month). Give gardening a try if you never have-vegetables, fruits, flowers, house plants -you can often get low cost options at greenhouses and nurseries out in the country or plant swaps. Give gourmet cooking a try or ethnic cooking. Experiment with recipes and the flavors you like!

Girl it is time to pull yourself up outta this mess you are in!!! Time for exercise. Put your shoes on and walk for an hour!!! Any shoes, just walk. Set a goal for yourself (# miles per week). Push ups and sit ups cost nothing!!! Get outside and move you will start to get those endorphines in motion.

Your kiddos won't wanna b with a depressed down and out mom. Make some memories with them. Paint their rooms. Organize that house. Try new receipes. Are you in church? If not get in one and start to fellowship with some good people. (FREE!)

You are depressed and your meds are not working. Call your doctor.
No man will want to be with you if you don't want to be with you.

YOU can do this and YOU NEED it bad.

I am divorced, too, and live in Keller, close to you! I've got 3 grown kids that do not live close, and one youngster, age 13, who just went to live with Dad in Georgia. So, I am in a "moping" phase right now, too. Recently discovered www.meetup.com. Meetup.com is a way to get together with folks with similar interests. You can attend a "meet up" to go for a hike, eat ethnic food, or kayak. You do not have to do it ALONE. Since discovering the website, I've actually gotten out 4 times in the past few months! Once for an introductory tango lesson, once to volunteer to paddle a kayak alongside a triathlon swim course (in case any swimmer got tired), once to eat the most fabulous Argentina-authentic empanadas in the north Texas area, and Sunday before last, I met up with about 40 other people to hike to a long-forgotten, hidden-in-the-woods Screaming Bridge at River Legacy Park in Arlington. It's free to sign up and most groups are totally free! You just type in your interests and different groups will be suggested. I typed in: gardening, organic foods, yoga, dog training, nature, hiking, kayaking, dancing, hula. ((I don't really do ANY of these things in everyday REAL life, but maybe someday I will!!!)) The group that met at the empanada place is called "Dallas Ethnic Restaurants." Start there!

I don't know what church you are affiliated with, but a mid-week Bible study would be easy and you'd connect with people. Find a friendly church! Usually in this situation, there's no expense, unless it's a $10 book, and many churches have a Wed. evening meal for about $3 they provide before the study. You need to connect with others---whether it's in a singles class or just with people. Old ladies can make great friends, so age shouldn't matter. Exercise is essential. I've fought depression for years and exercise does help. Walk, jog, skip, or dance in your living room, but MOVE! The longer you isolate yourself, the worse it gets. God has a purpose for your life. You just have to start doing and you'll find it. It's hard. I felt like I was walking in waist-deep water all the time. But keep moving and you'll find what works for you. I also found reading Psalms helps me keep a positive frame of mind. Don't give up.

If you haven't tried to go to Divorce Care at your local church you can try the one at my church (first baptist church Keller, shouldn't be to far for you) it would help you meet with people in your similar situation where you can develop friendships that will fill your free time.

The volunteer thing also sounds like a good cost free idea. If you are the kid of person that loves kids and want to make a little extra money offer to baby sit for some of your friends, who never get to have a night out, it might work well for everyone, I know we have a hard time finding a sitter often, or if you feel really generous baby sit for free, we often don't go out because we cant afford a sitter and a night out at the same time! maybe one of your friends has a husband who travels a lot, maybe you could just "hang out" with that friend so both of you could get adult interaction while their kids play in another room! My Hubby is gone often with work and recently I got together with one of the other wives and we just had pizza and a chick flick while my kids played upstairs and it was a great time for me to have that "girls night in"

I guess you really have to get creative. you may be able to find some local places that have free concerts on the weekends that you could go and enjoy, and maybe meet people. maybe take a free class at home depot or hobby lobby, even if you take a free class just challenge yourself to find a hobby...

finding yourself again is hard, you have had your identity focused in your children for so long, it is going to take some action to find where you want to go/do/be now, but it wont happen sitting at home watching tv, and you know that or you wouldn't have asked this question, just the fact that you have posted this shows that you are on your way to getting out of this place that you are stuck in. I'm in a similar place, and someone recommended the book "48 days to the work you love" which I just started but i'm really excited to read it, (I know you don't like to read but maybe get the book on tape if available or just tuff out ONE book and you will benefit from it)

Dear J.W.:

First I'd suggest telling your counselor everything you've written here, if you haven't already. Next, plan at least one outing a weekend, better yet, one every day, the kids are gone. It can be simple, going to Starbucks, going to a park for a walk, maybe checking out something like Hobby Lobby for a craft class. Try to think of something you'd like to do, but you HAVE to get out of the house to do it, so cleaning the house doesn't count!

Second, it is okay to spend some money on yourself. I agree with not using shopping as your diversion, but go ahead and buy those new tennis shoes or that gym membership. Then use the shoes to get out and exercise or the gym membership to join a yoga class.

As you get out more you'll meet people and feel better about yourself. You aren't going to meet your next best friend tomorrow, but that's okay. Find what you like to do, and if that takes a long time trying lots of things, good! Dabbling in lots of different hobbies makes you interesting!

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

J.W.
I would seek out a Bible Believing church to visit on Sunday morning. You did not mention where you live so I cannot recommend one to you. But I think that would be a good start. You should meet some nice women and maybe men that could help you to at least have someone to talk to. Of course, going to church will help you develop a realtionship with God. He is your best HOPE to lift you up emotionally.

Wishing you the best. If you want to email me back, I might be able to help you find a good church to attend.

K. Voigtsberger
www.wholeheartbirth.com

Look at the continuing education classes at your local community college or community center. There are usually fun classes to take and they are reasonably priced (relative to a gym membership or tennis lessons etc.) It can be a little bit intimidating to take a class by your self especially if it is something you have never tried before but if your experience is anything like mine you will find that most of the people taking the class feel the same way. You can also look at getting involved in a nearby church. Again it is hard to be the new person but keep putting yourself out there and keep showing up and before you know it you will be the one welcoming in someone new.

J.W.
You need to clean your house, start working out,(walking, a workout dvd) something that keeps you moving for atleast 30 mins. I promise that you will feel better with a clean house.
Find a church and get involved. Find a Christian Counselor.
You aren't far from me so please call me and we can meet for coffee or whatever. Just please don't sit around and be depressed. People tend to make bad choices when they are depressed.

i hope this helps and I pray things will get better for you. Send me a message if you want to talk, I will send my phone number back to you.

I will pray for you. God Bless,
Jenn

I totally understand. I would start out with a divorce recovery group several different churches in the area have a program. I went to a program that was at St Elizabeth and St Marks in Plano. It was the same program for so many months it was at one church and then the other. I would agree that cleaning up the house may help you feel better having a nice clean home to come home to is very nice but it may be too early for you emotionally to do that right now. You may want to join a group like Events and Adventures it is a singles group that plans out activitys. You can met other single moms that you might be able to form frendship with so that you can have some one that you can go to a movie ( it can just be a cheep $ like Plano movies 10), out to coffee, or go take a walk with. Most every one that is divorced in Texas has the same visitation so they would be without children the same time that you are.You need to take care of your self and I would not look for a man right now just take care of your self and find some support girl friends to hang out with.

You sound depressed. You need to find other interests. I know, my world revolved around my children and I was lost when the last one moved out. Luckily I am interested in needlework,music,walking,etc. It still took a long time to adjust.You might try involving yourself in some volunteer work. It helps fill your time,helps others,and helps you make friends. i volunteer at my library.

Have you considered volunteering? Maybe at your church, or food bank, helping another Mom out. Life truly is about loving and serving others. I'm not saying forget about some time for yourself but it sounds like you might have extra time when the kids are away.