What Do You Think? - Fairfax, VA

So I don't think I would put it in the invitation, well I didn't. But I did make one because everyone was asking me what to get my son, relatives, friends and I felt like I needed a list so I didn't tell everyone the same thing. So now if they ask, I tell them he loves trains and monster trucks and that he has a list of some of the items he really wants at toysrus.com, especially since we have so many, I put ones that we don't have there. Now I had the same problem last year, almost everyone emailed/called me to see what to get, but again this year, we just made the list and certainly did not include it in the invitation. Just some insight I guess.

I've been taught that it's not polite to ask for specific gifts. Weddings and baby showers are the exception, but then there is a registry and people still don't HAVE to give you anything from that list. Personally, I find it helpful when people tell me what's needed. If a child needs clothes, I'd rather the parents told me that than let me buy a toy that he already has. Having that info. in the invitation saves me the time of having to call the parent or spending hours in the mall shopping. Personally, I don't think it's ever good to ask for money. That gift should be an individual's choice.

I agree that it's the thought that counts, but I also love the idea of having wish lists. It lets me tell others what I do/don't allow for my child, and keeps me from spending time in sometimes long customer service lines returning duplicates or toys that I don't allow for my children. Some people also don't understand what age-appropriateness is, and wish lists aid in that. I don't think it shows ungratefulness-at least, I always saw it as helping me to choose a gift I knew the child and parents would be happy with, and that was before I was a parent and had to stand in lines to return items.

What a tricky one... In fact, the whole subject of gift-giving for birthday parties is a tricky one!
A gift registry can be a truly helpful tool, and done in the right spirit, it really can save gift buyers a great deal of money.
Here's an example. If a child has filled out a wish list and has been thoughtful enough to include a variety of inexpensive items (and by that, I mean some as low as $5)this can be a very helpful, time-consuming and inexpensive thing for guests who want to take a present to the party. Presents are ALWAYS optional, but many people do follow the tradition of gift-giving, and want to give one. They can call the store where the child is registered, choose a gift, pay for it by credit card and have it wrapped and waiting when they arrive to pick it up. That saves time, thought and gas for all. That can be a good thing.
Alas, the world is not perfect. In order to make more money, many stores do not include inexpensive items on their wish lists. Or children do not include inexpensive items on their wish lists.
So wish lists can sometimes generate bad feelings.
I speak from personal experience. When The Party Fairy opened in its new location two years ago, we implemented a gift registry. We thought it would be helpful to parents. We put a note on the party invitation stating that the birthday child was registered with us. We made sure children included items in the $5 range on every wish list. When people made purchases from the child's wish list, we wrapped them and had them waiting at the store for the party. Some moms never even came in until the day of the party; they just called the store, selected a gift via phone and we wrapped it and had it waiting with all the other presents in the party room when the guests arrived for the party that day. We thought this was a great service.
But it never really caught on. Many moms were reluctant to register a child. We became worried that it might become a liability, that moms might see it as you did -- as an outright demand for a gift, instead of good customer service. We're all about good party manners, so we dropped it pretty quickly. :)
I think about it with regret from time to time, wondering if we should have kept it....Sometimes a mom will come into the store, obviously pushed for time, and say something like, "My daughter is invited to a birthday party on Saturday for a little girl I don't know very well, and I have no idea what to get this child. She's on our soccer team. I don't want to spend very much, since we don't know her very well. What do you recommend?" Of course we are happy to make some recommendations -- an inexpensive set of wings and magic wand, a doll, a cute little pocketbook. But I am always thinking it would be so much easier if the child had registered for some inexpensive puzzles or one of our little $6 soccer bacelets. :)
So I do understand why the mom of your daughter's little friend would register her at a few stores. It certainly does not mean in ANY way that you are expected to buy a gift there.
In fact, good manners dictate that you are NOT REQUIRED AT ALL to provide any sort of a gift in order to attend a party to which you have been invited; your presence alone is enough of a gift. The birthday child is expected to express both surprise and delight that you were kind and thoughtful enough to bring a gift -- whether that is a homemade card, a collection of polished pebbles or the top item on the child's gift registry.
And I do agree with you that it is in very poor taste to request gift cards. That really is asking for a handout, isn't it? :)
To read more about gift-giving issues, and see some suggestions for how to handle the presentation of gifts at a party, please check out my blog at www.askthepartyfairy.com. It's filled with all kinds of free party planning advice, tips and strategies for moms -- and there's an article all about gift giving there, too.
Chin up; you're not alone in the way you're feeling! :)

If that's the way they want to do their invitations, fine - they probably mean nothing by it. Personally, I would not do that...I would hope people would come up with their own creative ideas or just ask me what he likes. If you are going to their party and they have 'Gift Card Preferable,' then just get a gift card...but if they have a store listed and it's out of the way, then just get what you want and it is the thought that counts! It's supposed to be fun, so don't worry about it and go and have a good time. Most of the time they don't even pay attention to who got who what and the kids just enjoy playing together.

I agree that this is an example of poor manners. I have to admit that I'm conflicted about it, though. On one hand, I would question the motives of someone who sent an invitation with a list of things their child wants. Was it to be helpful for the gift giver or something else? If I don't really know the parents of the child (my son is 5 so he has friends in school whose parents I don't really know) I can't call them to ask what to get. On the other hand, I can NEVER remember the million things my son has said he wants in the months before his birthday and when someone asks me what to get, I never remember!! lol That said, I don't think I'll add wish lists to invitations. : )
Perhaps we're moving more toward the "helping" aspect of the b-day wish list with invitation but, like you, I prefer the old way. It's more fun when you don't know what you're getting!!

DellaSue

i know there are lots of sensible reasons for people to put their wishes (demands) on invitations, but like you it just puts my nose out of joint.
i'd love to see a return of something along the lines of 'gifts are TOTALLY optional, what we are really excited about is the pleasure of your child's company as we celebrate this joyous occasion.'
humbug.
khairete
S.

get them what you can afford to give, if it is on the list then great.

get a gift recept. that is what they are for.

i would personally not put that in an invite. i wait until people ask me what he likes. that is the polite way to do it.

i always felt that this was just a suggestion on what to get them. many have no idea what the child cares for or wants or has and these are lists of things the child would like. look at the list and if you dont see anything on it you care to get, then get something else but the list will at least help you to realize what he may like. besides most ask what to get the child when they are invited to a party anyways so this gets rid of that problem. if you are worried about what you got as a gift just remember to insert the gift receipt in the card or give it to mom at the party tht way they can exchange it for something they will enjoy more. i would rather they enjoy my gift and truely like it than get them something i liked.

I'm on the fence.. My daughter is three and people ask me often what should needs or wants.. Some people dont get around to asking and it makes for duplicates of toys, books, outfits, etc..

I have been one to put her shoe size and clothes size..As far as toys, they already know her age, so I always assumed parents should know what's age appropriate and what's not..As far as the size, that may be difficult to measure if your not very close with the parent.. No need in playing the guessing game, so as an FYI, I put down the clothes and shoe sizes.

It has been my experience that even if we don't specify on an invitation what my child would like, the parents all ask or call to ask what sort of things he's into. It is widely accepted that gifts are expected for a child's birthday party. As an invitation recipient, I surely wouldn't mind a little direction. I don't want to get the kid something they won't like and would never use. For instance, some little boys are in to Lincoln Logs and Connector Sets because they like buildling things and some little boys are more into cartoon characters or truck and airplanes. Every kid likes different things, so what is wrong with being made aware of their tastes before you buy them a gift? Nothing. I think this is pretty common and I think it's a good idea for practicality's sake.

I don't think it's a good idea to have a list of toys they would like i believe your child should feel free to give whatever gift He/she likes. It also set their child up for disappointment. What if they have a list of 10 things and only 4 things on the list are given. They will feel jipped. If there is no list the child will be happy with whatever they receive.
So i think it's in appropriate to have a list. But i also believe that baby showers and wedding showers shouldn't have a list either. I believe in guidelines if anything. On a list i might say bottles but not what kind of bottles, Stroller but not what kind. But for a birthday i don't believe a list is acceptable at all. good luck

Many of these, as in my case, are items that the parents feel are appropriate for their child. Perhaps they don't want them to have "violent" or loud toys. Or their child is really into trains and wants to collect a whole set.
The "wish list" is just a suggestion, you are always free to get whatever you want (obviously) but the list is a good guide for the type of toy the child and/or the parent feel is best.