What Does It Mean to Be Honourable?

I think if everyone said what they meant and meant what they said, the whole world would be more honorable.

well, to be fair regarding the honorable statement - you did tell your mother to die. so in my opinion, the bad karma is kind of even. can't you let it go, realizing, because you did it yourself, that things are said in anger?

telling anyone to die, let alone my mother, would make me feel guilty as all get out. you can't really hold the honorable comment against your sister after that. that was downright hateful. sorry i'm not trying to be hard on you, i know it's a horrible situation. but it's definitely not all them. the first step towards reconciliation is to put yourself in their shoes. you owe your mother an apology. and then be the bigger person - let the rest go. it IS just stuff after all. and you can't get it back no matter what you do. even if you have a right to be mad - will it change things?

Being honorable is a 2 way street. I think you reacted in frustration and anger.. It sounds like there is a lot going on in the house over there.. They where not honorable by saying you could keep your things there and then selling them. I assume they have the money waiting for you? That would be honorable on their part..

Do you think your mom may have a little dementia starting?.. being paranoid and accusing others of her problems is a sign of a few things.. It could be she is actually just very frightened of her poor health.. Could just be depression not unusual with major health problems..

Just try to stay civil.. easier said than done.. I have realized I have a complete drama queen for a sister, she thinks every conversation is somehow about her and always thinks it is negative.. I just stay away from her.. I am tired of balancing on tiptoes on her eggshells.. I do not need that.

If I were you I would read about family "enmeshment" and how to deal with it.

We have all said things - in anger - that we regret. I would apologize to my mom and then distance myself a bit from all this drama. Are you frequently the family "scapegoat?" If so, it's even more important to disengage.

You have a right to an independent, autonomous adult life of your own. Never, ever let your family-of-origin take that from you (even if it seems "nice" like storing your stuff). Don't let them push your buttons (i.e., the "honorable" comment) and get you to sink to their level by saying hateful things that you later regret. That's part of the game.

Good luck.

WOW, I can't believe you told her to die.

If you didn't mean it, maybe you might want to say I'm sorry.

Just tell your mother that you did not turn your father against her or anyone else. Tell her that you will not hear of this again and that you are sorry that she feels this way.

Tell her that you love her and be one your way.
She might come to you and say that she is also sorry for everything that has happened.

I wish you and your family the best with this.

Take care.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this with your family. It's too bad that they won't go to family counseling with you because it seems like they are very toxic and have a lot of anger and resentment built up.

I haven't a clue what your sister was talking about when she said that you weren't being honorable. Maybe she has more information about you can shed some light on this but, just as likely, she heard this line used in a film somewhere and decided that it would be a good verbal slap in the face to use on you without knowing exactly what it means herself.

To me, honorable means doing the right thing even when it is easier not too. Like when you have agreed to store your daughter's gifts at your house and you keep to your agreement and you do your best to preserve them because that's what you agreed to do and you know your daughter just can't hop a plane across the Atlantic ocean at a moment's notice after you've had a change of heart to clear everything out. It's honoring your word and respecting other people's property.

Being honorable also means, that if you move back to your parents home and your siblings stuff is still being stored there, you take care to move everything to a safe location for storage so that everything is preserved while your sibling is out of the country. It's being helpful and following the golden rule.

It can also mean learning to put your ego and hurt feelings aside so that you can really listen to the other person and understand their point of view. And also taking responsibility for your actions when it is an appropriate time to do so.

It sounds like your family have a lot of bitterness, anger and frustration that they are holding on to. I feel bad for them because it seems that they probably really don't know that there is another way to live life where they can get the compassion and support they need without yelling, screaming and being disrespectful to others. But, I think, as long as they are like this, it's best to keep your distance and maybe get some counseling on your own so that you don't get sucked into their angry little black hole.

Sorry that you are having to go through this but it's a good lesson for you about choosing happiness, being responsible for your own mental health and making the right decisions (being honorable).

Hope this helps and wishing you all the best.

Not sure what your sister meant. For your sake, you really need to forgive your sister. It doesn't mean you have to become her best friend, nor does it pave the way to justify what she has done to your things...but forgiveness is crucial. As for telling your mom to die, whether you meant it from your heart or not, you know deep down it was a terrible thing to say and that you did say out of anger. Anger is a terrible thing. It makes us feel and say things we later regret. You should tell your mom you are sorry and ask for her to forgive you. If she chooses not to forgive you, it's on her but the right thing to do is apologize.

Family turmoil is the worst. I know, been there, done that. I wish I had something more to offer but I would start with forgiving your sister. Don't allow pride to get in the way of doing what is right. It will bring you peace in time.

Hindsight is 20/20.
You should have put your things into storage and they were wrong to say keeping them where they were was fine and then turn around and sell/dispose of your possessions. If I sell something that isn't mine, I would be stealing. How could your sister and Mom think that what they did was honorable and what happened to the money they made off the sale?
You've got a right to be angry over that, but it's over and done with and no amount of continuing to be angry is going to change anything. Is your Mom taking the blame for your sister?
Your Mom is ill (is she dying?) and contemplating her life and meeting her maker. On some level she might want you to forgive her. On the other hand she might be majorly pissed if you did - acknowledging forgiveness would be an admission of guilt. You have issues you want to resolve with your Mom (doesn't everyone?) but it's not very likely there will be a resolution that everyone will be happy with.
I love my Mom. She can be sweet and wonderful, but she can be a complete battle axe sometimes. I can love her redeeming qualities in spite of that side.
I think some counseling might help you even if the rest of the family is not interested. When you speak with your Mom, go in knowing she will say things you will not agree with. Try to detach your emotions from it best you can. When she says things like 'you poisoned your Dad's thinking' or 'you did not honor the family' ask her why she feels that way. Answer every accusation with a question. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way. You can express sympathy without accepting blame. Good luck!

We all say things in the heat of the moment and hurt the ones we love and the ones we don't love so much. You apologized. Your sis knows what buttons to press so she went for the "Honorable" jab. Let it go. You know who you are and that you don't wish malice on anyone. I would also book a storage unit and move all gifts and personal items out ASAP. Sounds like a very negative household so stay clear.

I agree with Adansmama and stop calling yourself the scapegoat. That is just feeling sorry for yourself. If you have chosen to be different, then you are not a scapegoat...you chose this! Would you like it if you apologized to someone and they in return said they didn't think you meant it? Sounds like both, you AND your family are in the wrong here and eveyone needs to change their behavior! And telling someone to die isn't honorable, so your sis is right.

How do they like your husband?
Did the bulk of this start after you started dating him?

Sounds like they interpreted something you did as disrespectful. They are not communicating to you what the real reason is and they probably don't know the real reason if your were to ask them right away.

I am not that close to my family but when someone gets made then they don't call until they get over it. Very passive aggressive I know but like I said we are not that close anyway. If you guys don't have gatherings a lot, and you don't mind not knowing then just keep moving forward as you have been doing.
Good luck.