What Is My Boyfriends Role in My Daughters Life?

I dated hubby for 3 years before the thought of moving in together even came up because I already had a child and did not want to move in until I knew it was the right person. 6 months is quite fast if you ask me.

edited: If you don't know what his role should be or how he should act towards her then it definitely is NOT time to be making this move.

Positive role model but not her diciplinarian. They should have fun together but her dad is the one who should be diciplining along with you.

M

Nothing unless you are married. I don't think single moms should live with boyfriends just for the fact that you are messing with your kids heads.

his role should be nothing.
You should have never introduced them unless there was a ring involved.
This is coming from someone that was in the same situation your daughter is.
I saw my mother go through boyfriend after boyfriend and she ended up marrying the one I didn't like. I got attached to all of them. And didn't understand when they disappeared and were no longer apart of my life.
When you have a child you should not be moving in with a man you are not married to.

I think it's way too soon for him to have a role other than just a friend. And way too soon to be moving in together. (Actually I'm pretty liberal on social issues, but conservative when it comes to marriage when there are kids involved. I think that's when you should live together -- when you're married.) I would think over the next year you could slowly introduce him into her life as your friend and do things together like movies, sporting events, bike rides, etc. And then when you two have a ring and a date you could tell her it was going to be permanent.

But that's just my opinion.

Sorry, but I have to side with Beth on this. Sorry if my response sounds harsh - I'm just gonna be direct cause I've lived through this.

I also had to deal with a serial dating mom (divorced for the 1st time when I was 10) and it's very tough to become attached to someone for months/years, etc. and have them disappear when THEY were done. He is your "FRIEND" now, and until there is a ring, he has no role. If you do marry, you and her dad and each of your spouses need to be co-parents on the same page - for your child's sanity's sake.

Just because it's convenient for the both of you that your leases are ending and you can save money, does NOT mean this is the best thing for you and your daughter. You have been dating for 6 months, you don't know where this relationship is going. I could end at any time, and it's harder to break up when you're living together. Your daughter is yours for your lifetime (unless you REALLY screw it up like my mother did) and your relationship with HER must come first.

And I hate to say this, but the chances of children being abused by boyfriends, etc. are high, so if your gut says something - listen to it. This may never happen, but one of my mother's husbands would have if they hadn't divorced, so it can happen.

Be careful and think deeply about this.

Personally, I do not believe unmarried people should live together. This is my opinion and it's based on my faith. Setting my beliefs aside, I have to ask: is boyfriend going to become your husband in the future so that he will become step dad to your child? IF the answer is no or "not sure," then I would have to say that the boyfriend has no role in this child's life until he is "officially" part of the family. He has no obligation to care for your child, no obligation to support your child, and isn't obligated to be responsible for her, even if you feel very differently about it. While your daughter may "appear" to feel happy to welcome your boyfriend in your lives, once marriage takes place and he is her "step dad," she may not like him so much. I know, because I know how I felt when my mom's "boyfriend" became my step dad. I didn't like him so much anymore. I'm sorry I don't have advice that may be helpful, I thought my insight would be helpful, though.

Sorry, I read your edit but I don't think 6 mos is enough time to know someone and share a house--especially when there is a child involved. Get your own apartment and be independent. Be a good role model for your daughter. She does not need to potentially say "goodbye" to another man in 8 years. If you have a ring and a date, then move in together. Just my .02 because you asked.
Right now his "role" should be the guy that pays the check if he takes you & your daughter out for dinner.

Read your Clarification #2 and I still stand firm on my answer. Bad idea.

His role would be what you are comfortable with. I would explain to him what your dicipline style is so he knows before moving under a roof with the two of you. If you dont want him "touching" her that needs to be known right away. If you dont want him scolding, yelling or any of that, you need to let him know. Think of possible scenarios and then decide how you will handle them. If for some reason you arent home and its time for bed and she doesnt want to go and says "you arent my dad and you cant tell me what to do" what do you want him to say or do?
Do not forget that you will now have pretend "inlaws" as well. Lots of things will change if you move in together, lots of things. You've only known him 6 mos, that is NOT very long in my opinion. Moving a stranger in with you and an 8 yr old little girl is pretty scary/risky if you ask me. How much do you really know about him and his family and his background, passed relationships and such? Have you considered a background check on him, would he be offended if you did one?
I don't mean to sound negative, but in my honest opinion I would not move this guy in that you have only known for 6 mos. Sure, by March it will be longer but still not enough time has gone by to move him in. If you don't marry him you are sacraficing your daughters esteem, security and trust.

You've got 10 years till your daughter is an adult. A lot happens between 8 and 18.
You've only known this guy for 6 months. What happens if you break up 6 months from now and one/both of you have to move because living together is not working? Can you afford the new apartment by yourself if he leaves? When you move, does your daughter have to change schools / have to make new friends?
Moving in together is a big step because you begin to become financially intertwined and you must know that money is one of the big things even happily married people argue about.
I think courting is fine, and it takes time to really know people, but if he's not going to marry you and eventually be your daughters step dad, you should slow way down on this.
Breaking up can be upsetting enough when it's just you. When kids are involved, their whole lives can be turned upside down.

I never thought the word "friend" adequately explained a step-parent or step-parent like relationship. Friends are on equal terms, and step parents often have to guide and discipline. A friend would not discipline another friend.

Even though your daughter has an active father, that doesn't mean she can't have other father-figures in her life. Your boyfriend will surely be a father-figure at your house and he will of course set examples for her. It just means that when it comes to making decisions about raising her, discipline, activities, etc. you will be discussing them with her bio father, not your boyfriend.

You and her father will MAKE decisions, and your boyfriend will help support YOU in upholding those decisions. I would say your boyfriend's job is to support you. If you're not around, of course he should uphold any rules that you have set, and if there's discipline around he should refer her back to you.

Really at first you should concentrate on living together as 3 people. Do outings, get to know one another. Let her know right off the bat that he supports YOU, so she can't push him around. Also let her know she has a father, and he will always be her father, and your new boyfriend will never replace her father but will be another person for her to get to know, to hang with, to learn from, and to love.

Good luck!

Coming from a step-parent... the "friend" thing is what you want to avoid. You need to find a happy medium between friend and authorative figure. Explain that although he would never replace her father, he will be moving into the home as in a parental role, and that she should respect his wishes. Also be very clear when you discuss things with her regarding your communication together, so she feels comfortable telling you things she is or is not comfortable with regarding him. My mother and I did not have that rekationship, and I spent some very miserable years dealing with a step-father who was nice as pie in front of my mom, but turned into someone else when she was not home.

I know this has been said but I absolutely feel this is too soon to move in together. Your daughter should be your priority....you don't know the impact this could have on her. I'm sure it feels great to have a guy want to spend time and marry you but you are a mother first. Sure there are some success stories but I have seen many more failures and it's just not fair to your daughter. His role in your life should be to occasionally take you both out.

first off, ignore all the 'ring' comments. some of the most amazing parents i know are gay couples, and this country still runs screaming from the notion that they get to involve 'rings' in their families.
one can have deep meaningful relationships without marriage.
that being said, moving in with a man after only knowing him for 6 months for convenience's sake does raise some red flags with me. your relationship with this man can continue to deepen and grow without co-habitating this early, especially since you have a young child to consider. this will also give your daughter time to get to know him and for his role in her life to develop organically.
i'm glad she has a great relationship with her dad. that helps a lot. it's also great that she likes your new fellow, but welcoming him into your lives and living with him are two very different things.
if you do proceed to move in together, be flexible while you all settle into it. he should not be very involved in disciplinary behaviors, that will set up resentment from your daughter and probably her dad. on the other hand, it will be his house too and he will naturally need to have some say in how things run. you will need to let him know what your parenting philosophy is and make sure he's on board with it (ie what are your behavior boundaries, what degree of courtesy is required within the household and when out in public, what are considered infringements, what are the consequences and who administers and enforces them.) then you need to be clear and honest with your daughter on what the rules are, especially any that are changing to accommodate your new circumstances.
then be aware that however prepared you think you are, unanticipated problems are going to arise. someone suggested a weekly pow-wow, that's a great idea. make sure all 3 of you (4 really, your ex has a right to a say also) feel safe bringing concerns and problems to each other.
but seriously, i hope you put it off for a while.
khairete
S.

I didn't read all the comments but so many of them seemed negative, so I thought I'd respond. My husband and I moved in together after less than a year, with his daughter, her half brother (not his son, long story) and my 3 kids. took 2 years to get married and have been married for almost 3 years now. We both very quickly stepped up and did what we would do for our own kids. He spends time with them, goes to school functions (well now we homeschool but before) will watch them if i want to go out, and not because i ask and he feels like he is babysitting. he takes them places just to spend time with them, and because he knows my ex husband from school and both parties are comfortable, he will even take the kids to and from their dads house. But basically he does everything I do, I drew the line at bathing my daughter, but that was it. I suggest you both just do what feels natural, if he wants to help your daughter with homework, or she wants to hug him goodnight, whatever works it's actually more about them and what they are comfortable doing than you, and it seems like you have great communication, so if you want him to step up more, or step back, just be sure to talk about it. Good luck.

You got some great advice, but one thing that I would suggest, from personal experience, is that you listen to what the people around you have to say about him. Parents, especially moms have a knack for knowing if a guy is right for their daughters. OK not 100% of them, but most. Also listen to what your closest friends say too. And if your on good terms with your ex, his opinion might be worth listening to also, but only if your on good terms with him. If the people you trust the most like him, that's great, but if the majority of them have issues, please please listen to what they have to say. And if ANY of HIS friends warn you that you might be making a mistake moving so quickly, then RUN.

Not to go off subject, but why exactly are you moving in together in March? Is it a matter of convenience and finances (your leases ending)? If so, then that doesn't seem like a very good reason. If that is the reason that you are using to "explain" it, then I suppose that is different... What are your future intentions with this man? That would be first on my list of concerns. It doesn't sound like you have subjected your daughter to a revolving door of men, like I hear about sometimes. Good for you (and her!). :) Do you anticipate getting married in the future? Have you discussed that? Do you view this move as a stepping stone to marriage in the near future? If that is something you both are moving towards, then he should have some authority with your daughter, not just be your friend. It is a fine line in how much. My SIL ended up breaking up with my BIL (before they ended up getting married later on) partly because she was living in a household with him and his 10 yr old daughter but had NO authority over the child. It doesn't work if you have a kid that effectively dismisses an adult and won't listen to them. And they will... they will resist authority at every opportunity. Who wouldn't? Who doesn't, I should say.. lol

I think you need to have monthly (weekly in the beginning?) meetings. You and him. Include your daughter in part of it. To discuss how things are going in the "new" household. Decide on the rules for your daughter (where she can eat or take drinks in the house, what her chores are and when they are expected to be done, TV time, etc). And let her know that either adult can give her instructions regarding these things and she must respect the adults. However, you MUST talk to your daughter and also let her know that she can and SHOULD come to you if she is asked or told to do anything that makes her uncomfortable or she thinks is weird or unusual. (Not implying anything here, but no one ever thinks it will happen and it does happen).

Also know that kids have a way of complicated every couples' relationship. Expect that things are gonna change and there is going to be some stress.

How about just another male role model? Having a Dad who married and divorced twice isn't exactly the best way to see how men treat women - maybe your boyfriend can show her how good men treat women?

his role is what you allow him to do. she will do the normal step kid things maybe not now maybe later. dont have him discipline unless you are not home. my so does discipline my son if necessary but he has no father figure other than him. one night i told him this one a man needs to handle handle it. but like i said his father has nothing to do with him and doesnt want anything to do with him. they all need male guidnance but if she is getting it from daddy he needs to lay low unless she goes to him. but he cant let her run all over him if you are gone either.

The stepparent role is more complicated than can be addressed here. I have been a stepmom for over 25 years. It isn't quite a friend, because your daughter will need to listen to him as an adult in your home, but it should be friendly. It isn't quite a parent, because she has two parents, but he will be a parental figure. It must always be respectful, both ways, but it may or may not develop into a loving relationship. Most of all, it takes patience on both you and your boyfriend's part as the relationship will develop over time.

As the parent, it may be tempting to "jump in" if things aren't going real well, or to take over when either discipline or comfort is needed by your daughter. Even though you will be the main parent in the home, your boyfriend needs to be an active partner, so let him.

Always listen to your daughter, and let her know that you will always listen, but be careful to not take sides until the whole story is known. Be aware that her need for privacy may be greater than if this were her biological dad in the house. Make boundaries like bedroom doors and bathroom time clear to all.

There has been much written on stepmothering, not as much on stepfathering, but here is a book that gets good reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Keys-Successful-Stepfathering-Barro...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. My boyfriend and are are discussing the same thing, now. We've been together a bit longer than you and are not considering a move for at least another six months, but that same "what's THEIR relationship" question is there.

I think it's important to just let their relationship develop naturally into whatever works for THEM.

I let my mind race with questions about future children, about having different dynamics within the same family, but then I just had to stop.

Your boyfriend is there as YOUR partner and support. I'm sure you have non-romantic friends who love your daughter and would be happy to help you with her care etc. I'm sure she respects them, and loves them as well, but is clear that YOU are her parent. Why should it be any different (for now) with your boyfriend?

It'll all work out.

T.

Right now his role is to be a positive adult figure in her life. You should be doing the discipline with him backing you. If you say to do something and he sees she isn't. It's fine for him to say hey your mom told you you need to do this.

Right now his focus should be building a relationship with her. You can slowly add more parenting roles but that shouldn't come until your daughter and him have a good foundation.

I think correcting her with just words is fine but not actual punishment. Something like "You know you shouldn't be doing this or you know you are suppose to be cleaning your room" or whatever the case maybe be.

some of the comments I read were just not very nice, sorry about that. I think his role is to be your partner your daughter has a dad and should be made very aware that he is not trying to be her dad. He is in her life because he cares very much for her mother and the three of you will work it out. But with kids and step-dads there are a few things
1- he needs to back you on everything from discipline to rewards
2- He needs to understand the dynamic between single mothers and their kids and realize that there are times he is going to feel left out, these times will pass but for the first little bit it will be tough.
3- Make sure the real dad is on board and there isnt any bad talking when she is there.
This is a huge adjustment and it will take time hope all goes well

I completely endorse ALL the answers that are telling you....6 months is NOT long enough to know someone before moving in together. You are still in a classic, honey moon period. Relationships are always nice the first few months. UNLESS, you have known this guy for many years before you started dating and EVERYONE in your close circle of friends and family adore him like you.

Can you extend your own leases for just 6 months more? Or go month to month?

Your daughter has already seen her dad move through 3 relationships, yours plus 2 failed ones.

And please keep in mind that the human bonding process is a long and fragile one. It will take your daughter years to form a deep, safe attachment to this new man in your life. He needs to treat your daughter with respect and fairness.

Wow, to my dismay, I am disturbed by the judgement that has been placed on this page. I thought we were supporting each other not judging each other. Let me explain myself by asking a few questions. Are we saying that there is a time limit on this woman's knowledge of her relationship? Is it IMPOSSIBLE for her to know who the man of her dreams is in 6 months? If she were to place a time restriction on the development of her relationship who would it benefit? Her? The Child? The Relationship? This woman waited 7 years before introducing her daughter to her boyfriend, I trust he has been screened. Now addressing the Question. I am not a doctor. But my life bears a strong resemblance to the woman above. What I have done, is allowed them to create their own relationship. I was very cautious of her feeling forced to love him because mommy loves him. It was hard, but with no help from me, just under my supervision, I allowed him to be there for her. For example: dance practice, softball games, parent teacher conferences, homework time (allow him to help). My daughter knows who her father is, and he has visitation, she loves her father, but she is very aware of "who" is involved in her EVERYDAY life. As soon as I stopped worrying the pieces fell into place beautifully. The more I allowed my boyfriend to play a part in her life, it helped him realize his impact on her, and on me. We are now engaged. If he wants to be there for you and your daughter, and you feel he's the one. RELAX and let him.
-Be Blessed

How would you want any other adult to treat your child and how would you want your child to treat any other adults? That would be the base to start on. I would guess they both need to respect each other.