I feel lost! My daughter is 6 and in the first grade. She is also a first child. I was a third child, pretty quiet and non-emotional as a kid. She is very dramatic, can be very bossy, one minute she is crying the next she is laughing. I worry that she alienates herself from her peers. She used to get invited to a lot of birthday parties and playdates, but lately not so much. She comes home and says she argues with her friends, thinks no one likes her, says people think she is weird, etc etc and on and on. I really do not know what is real and what is dramatized. I have tried asking her teacher, who is likely overwhellmed herself with 25 kids, and she says my DD gets a long fine with others. I have tried asking a friend, but I think she is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. I am at a loss here on how to handle the situation. I have a niece who is the same age and does not act this way. Her dramatics can be embarassing when we are in public and as I mentioned I wonder if this is why she does not have many friends.
She is a very sweet and loving girl, and it pains me to see her upset. I also do not want to reinforce any behaviors but I dont want to ignore it either. I want to show her that her actions can lead to negative consequences, but also dont want her to be bullied.
See what I mean, I am at a total loss!
Any feedback, ideas, etc would be appreciated
Thank you all so much!!!! I feel better and will implement your ideas. Really really appreciate your insight
You say she doesn't get invited for playdates/parties much but does SHE invite girls over to play? That's one of the best things you can do to help her make friends and work on her social skills.
Other than that her behavior sounds fairly normal. If she was truly struggling (socially or otherwise) at school her teacher would say so.
i think you described half of the girls in first grade! My daughter is in first and all of them seem to be hot and cold and learning how to interact and learning how their behaviour affects others.
i had a girls night where i invited all of the girls in her class over to see for myself what was happening and to also encourage her to make friends since she is so shy and to be able to steer her towards the girls i saw that would be a good fit for her and it worked. we had 2 nights so far with them all.
ETA
also birthday party invites go down dramitaically from preschool, K to 1st I've noticed. People HAVE to invite the entire class or all girls/boys if sent in through the class and it gets expensive to at 1st grade it seems like people are scaling down parties. So unless she was "best friends" and you were in contact with the moms I dont think she'd get an invite even if they were friends in school
As the parent of two verrrrry dramatic girls, I can assure you that your daughter sounds pretty normal for a first grader! I would honestly take the teacher's word for it - if your daughter were universally reviled, the teacher would certainly have picked up on it. What may help is to invite other girls over (one at a time) for after school play. This way, your daughter can spend time with friends outside of school. Sometimes it's easier to form better friendships when you have longer than the 15 minute recess, with ALL the kids in the class running around!
I substitute teach a lot (10+ yrs) and mostly in 1st grade.
You are describing some typical behavior I witness among girls. They are often hot and cold with each other. They are learning how to cultivate friendships and they are also establishing pecking order (yes this early)
Many are full of drama and I believe you may be hearing what she says but it is not as bad as she describes.
I also strongly suggest that you take some time to volunteer at her school. You can observe her this way as well and see how she is getting along with others. There are tons of volunteer opportunities... classroom, making copies, etc for teachers, library, cafeteria, afterschool clubs, etc.
Encourage the playdates to help her learn how to be a good friend as well. This behavior usually settles down (does not go away) and when she is a tween you will see it all wound up again.
Best wishes.
I agree with what everyone below said....
I just want to add that in 1st grade is when big birthday parties seem to go away. Girls start inviting a couple girls to sleep over rather than the entire class for a 2 hour party.... so some of that is natural, I think.
This is also when peer pressure is your friend. Her friends will take care of a LOT of her behaviors.... and let them. This is the age when you start to let her make her own choices.... but you change the way you talk to her about them and you let her find her OWN solutions.
SO -
When she says she argues with all her friends. Don't tell her not to argue... ask her why she argues? Ask her what her friends said. Get HER to talk and realize that she is either trying to be friends with girls who are very different from her OR she's being bossy and they are rebelling. Guide the conversation.... what would you do next time? How would that help? What do you like about Janie? etc etc.
I can tell you this..... I have a 12 year old and what I have noticed is they go in *waves*.... so 1st and 2nd grade is tough - they are figuring out who they are going to be and what their "clique" is. Finding friends. Excluding others.
I encouraged my daughter to exclude people nicely. just say "I don't want to play" practice how to say this so she doesn't sound like a brat. Practice inviting a girl who she WANTS to be friends with so she's comfortable.
This stage to me was night-marish. It's transition for both of you.
3rd - 4th/5th.... seemed to be a breeze. She's settled in with her friends, every so often there would be a "trade out" and one girl would leave the group and a new one would join, but for the most part they've work through their independence stage and they are getting good at using their new skills.
5th & 6th. Tricky. Girls get their period. They get boobs. They get hormonal and they cry for absolutely NO reason. They begin to "hate" things because they have NO control over their emotions. I hate my teacher "wail". I hate my siblings "wail". It's a ramped up version of 1st grade and what used to not start until 13....... Again.... just let her cry. I found during this stage (like when she was 2 or 3) if I REDUCED my emotion we were better off. You're the adult. You must act like it. And it's hard.
7th grade. Here is where we are. 7th grade started out a breeze. She'd worked through the hormonal stuff. Learned to use tampons. Learned to clean up the bathroom after aforementioned tampon use (ick). Probably has a COMPLETELY new set of friends. Make sure they are good ones. Let them all come over. Encourage YOUR house to be the sleep over house. Set some CLEAR boundaries with younger kids.
then...... BOYS. You didn't really see it coming. She'd been so well behaved and pleasant to be around. You almost remembered why you had her :-) Then, one day, she comes out of her room dazed, agitated and excited all at the same time. She's been texted. BY A BOY.
You've lost her. She's in her room, in her head or on her phone. As long as schoolwork and chores gets done.... let her be. Let her come to you, but reinforce the rules. Because she is now thinking with only 1/2 her brain. a year ago she could unload the dishwasher in about 5 minutes and everything was put away where it belongs. Yesterday I found a stoneware baking pan ON TOP OF MY PLATES in a completely different cupboard. and it takes her twice as long because her head is completely scattered.
Although annoying.... this phase is at least fun to watch!
Good luck
Hey Mama! I would start having at least one playdate a week. This will help her improve her confidence with peers. Also, I would start having consequences for her over-the-top reactions. For example, if she has a meltdown somewhere, I would take her home. I would start having talks about appropriate ways to handle strong feelings at 6 vs. toddler. I would be very frank and tell her that these kinds of reactions make peers want to take a step back.
I was a music teacher in a k-2 school for 7 years. So, I saw all of the students...all 540 of them! 1st grade is some kind of strange black hole for some kids. It is a struggle for them b/c they aren't "babies" anymore like in K and the work is substantially harder, but they haven't really matured that much yet.
All of a sudden, 2nd grade comes along a so many of them seem to have their emotions catch up with everything else. I watched it happen with SO many students year after year. I would have a "problem" student in 1st grade and then in 2nd grade they were like a a totally different child!
So, of course, encourage her to be appropriate with friends, and parent your child. But know that sometimes, it IS just a phase.
Good luck!
can you volunteer in the classroom. to observe how she acts in the group? is there a brownie troop she can join and you can help out again to watch her with her peers.
some people are calm cool and collected.. others are high strung.. dramatic and tempermental.
but most kids behave better in school than at home.. so she is most likely fine at school.
if you think there is a problem.. have her evaluated by a psychologist.
