What Is Your Relationship with Your Own Mother?

my mom is one of my best friends. When we lived close to each other we would get together for lunch or just to walk around the mall about 2-3 times a week. Then she moved 1 state away and I only got to see her 2-3 times a year. It was hard. Now, we are on opposite sides of the country and she came to see me back in October and so it's only been 1 time in the last year. We talk 1-2 times day on the phone and skype, but it's really hard. I miss her so much!

It sounds like you need to pay a babysitter. Her helping you is good for you; but it sounds like it's not what she's really wanting to do. If you are wanting a close relationship with her, you should ask her for her company.

I understand how a lack of closeness can weigh on you. My mother and I get along, but we have a very different relationship. I often have to take care of things for her because frankly, she is irresponsible. I have to take her to and from work, I have to remind her to do things, in fact, my husband likens her to a teenager--a description that isn't too far off base. It is because of growing up this way that I am very meticulous, which makes me seem like I am being too hard on her. It is a very reversed role. I love my mother and I know that she loves me, there is just a longing for a more "traditional" mother daughter relationship where she is independent and willing instead of petulant and forgetful. I think the best way is to highlight what you two do together that works. For instance, after like 2-3 days together, my mother is driving me nuts so we cut those times down. She is only 50 so she still has an active life. It is much better for us to have many SHORT visits, than to have some long ones and have animosity which breeds resentment. So again, find what you two do together that WORKS and focus on that!

When I first had my daughter I was a single mom. 18, crappy job, etc. Since she had the financial stability to help me out, she did. With money, clothes, car seat, stroller, etc. Now, she has been divorced for many years & her mother passed away 3 years ago. They had very codependant relationship. Well, since her mother died, she's gone off the deep end. She's always been a bit "crazy" , but now its completely out of control & she accuses me of things I didn't do, calls & yells at me, yells at my daughter, & is now demanding that I repay her for everything she's done over the years to help me out. She's saying I owe her about $10,000ish. When she called the other day demanding I give her money. Itold her I don't have money to give you. She went off saying I obviously don't want her in my life & she'll just dissapear & I won't be bothered by her anymore. The reason she's asking for that "debt" to be paid is because she blew all her money & is broke.

So, my answer to your question is we have a very strained relationship.

I have had an up and down relationship with my mom. I spent too many years wishing she would be different and getting annoyed by the things she did. I spent many years in therapy about our relationship. Finally a therapist said to me "You have to accept her the way she is and then decide if you want to have a relationship with that person". That advice changed my relationship with my mom forever. We now have a great relationship. My mom hasn't changed, the way I see her has.

So I am going to give you the same advice (and save you thousands of $ worth of therapy!).

You need to accept your mom the way she is... then decide if you can have a relationship with that person (not the person you wish she was).

My relationship with my mom is good. We have some moments of craziness but for the most part, our relationship is healthy and mutually supportive. She watched all of my sons 3 days a week from infancy until they were in school, which was a huge help. One of my sisters lives with her now and she is helping that sister out with childcare too while she gets on her feet (single mom, etc.). Now that she doesn't watch my kids, we don't see each other as often because they live 40 minutes away from us and we're busy, but my parents make an effort to come to the kids hockey games and school events if they can and we try to have dinner together once a month.

I know that it seems like you're not asking for much, but clearly she doesn't want to be a regular baby-sitter and honestly, that's her right. Hire someone to watch your LO when you go to your appointments. And be honest with yourself...how much do you ask her about her problems and really listen? Is she having her own health concerns or marital problems? Is she going through menopause? Is she getting worried about your grandmother? Sometimes, especially when we're parenting an infant, we can focus on our babies and ourselves to the exclusion of others. So think long and hard about that and see if there is any validity to what she's saying. If there is, then make a conscious effort to talk with her about HER problems and listen when she does. If you are 100% certain that you do give her equal opportunity to air her grievances and that you support her in her own problems, then you have nothing to change and can know that she is just having a problem perceiving things, which is a sign that for whatever reason, she's in a bit of a bad place.

Regarding help with cooking and cleaning...I think that's a bit much to expect and I would be insulted if my mother helped with those things. As a grown woman with a husband, we can and should do those things ourselves. My mom has enough to do; I don't need her coming to my house and working while she's here.

What I really take away from your post is that you say that you would love some help, but then also say that you want your relationship with your mom to be closer and better, like they're the same thing. A good relationship with her shouldn't be based on whether or not she is "helping" you. If you need help, hire someone. If you want a closer relationship with your mother, attend her her wants and needs too, not just what you wish she could do for you.

My mom is my best friend and greatest advocate. She raised five girls on her own, gave us everything we needed and did so with a kind heart. She is now 84 and lives three hours away. I go to see her once a month and cherish every minute I have with her. I talk to her on the phone almost every day. She is the strongest, most wonderful woman I know. I have raised my four children much the way she raised my sisters and I. I am BLESSED!

I am so sorry you don't have a good relationship with your mother. My best advice would be to keep this in mind as you are raising your daughter. A woman's relationship with her mother doesn't have to be this way. I can testify. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, and I adore her. I don't think you can do anything to change your mother, but you can certainly raise your own child to know that you love them unconditionally. Good luck.

My mom and I were the best of friends all the way from high-school up to the end. She also was the critical type but I usually just ignored it because a lot of times there would be constructive criticism in with the bad. I would also just call her out on stuff she said and turns out she didn't even realize she was doing it. Maybe you need to just sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

I lost my Mom two and a half years ago (my Daddy 18 months later) and I miss them both every day! She and my Daddy were great with my kids, my husband and me. I now cherish the memories I have of them.

I hope you can work things out and have good memories of your Mom.

Good luck!!

My Mother and I have a good relationship. I am trying to get her to move in with us. Do you think your mother might be suffering from depression? Can you ask your friends Mom to watch your son while you go to therapy? I hope things will get better for you and I hope your therapy will heal you. Good luck!!

My mother was my best friend. She would come visit and we would stay up for hours just talking. I would tell her all my hopes and dreams. When I decided to go back to school, I told my mom first. Boy was hubby upset about that one! She was my cheerleader growing up and she stood up for me. She went back to work when I was in high school and I admired her for that. She was incredibly smart and kind. She was a talented artist which of course skills I did NOT inherit! All my friends loved her and thought she was the best Mom, which she was!

When she got ill, I felt like a piece of me was dying. It is so very hard to see her in the condition that she is in now. It is beyond terrible that my mom doesn't know who I am or her grandchildren. That she cannot communiate with us and tell us anything or understand what we are telling her.

I am my mother to my daughter. She is 23 and tells me I am her best friend. I love listening to her tell me all her hopes and dreams for the future. She is so excited and I'm excited because she is. She will graduate from college in May and is just excited with life. Wow!

I'm so sorry you have the type of relationship that you do with your mom. I don't understand relationships like that because I never had that. My mom didn't say anything bad about my parenting and she loved spending time with her grandchildren. I will say this, I did not live near my parents. We lived several states away but they would visit every couple of months. So maybe that helps in that she wasn't there ALL the time.

I just wanted to say after reading a few of these stories that I lost my mom when I was 8 and my husbands was murdered 8 years ago. Not having a grandmother for my three children Or having a mon for myself really puts things into perspective. I see moms and daughters lose precious time over petty differences and it makes me sad.

Hugs going out to you.

I have a great relationship with my mom, always have. I understand her, and she understands me, I LOVE HER TO DEATH! She gives her two sense, sometimes I take her advice, other times I don't. I do respect her, we have disagreements sometimes, but by the next day we are fine. She's my mother and I'd do just about anything for her. We car-pool to work every day. I'm very blessed to have both of my parents and then both of them being so loving. I come from a close family, and I stay close to them. I've moved to Texas after them. They are really close with my kids, especially my older two. They even helped me raised them.

With your relationship with your mother, why don't you find a friend to watch your child while you go to your therapy, don't stop on the account of your mother. Also, when you are out, asked you mother if you can pick up some stuff for your grandmother. Talk with your mother, and let her know you love her, and see if things do change some.

I'm sorry that your mom is not more supportive. I guess I am lucky - my Mom is very supportive and I have never heard her even once criticize my parenting or my lifestyle. However - it wasn't always good and we had a very rocky adolescence (I always felt under loved and not important) and it carried through until I was in my 20's and moved away. It got better with time and once I had my own kids (around 30) we became much closer. She lives on the other side of the country so we don't see each other very often (like once every 6 months) but we talk on the phone at least 5 times a week - so I would say we are close. If she was physically closer she was definitely watch my kids and help me out - but since she isn't - well - she trys to help in other ways. For example - she recently purchased 20 hours of "daycare" credit for us at a local childcare place that does evening care so we can go out on dates and not have to pay an arm and leg for babysitting.

She is great and I love her - and I feel lucky to be able to call her my mom. :-)

My mom and I have a horrible relationship. She is self-centered and works hard to create drama in her life. She never asks how I or my husband are doing, she wants to see the kids but only when it's convient for her but yet wants me to let her babysit, she's close to 70 years old, can't drive at night, leaves the oven on and then goes shopping. Expects me to drop everything when she calls. I could go on and on and it's always been like this. I couldn't wait to get out of the house. If she didn't live 10 minutes away I wouldn't have a relationship with her at all. My mother-in-law is the totally opposite. Very caring, loving, would do anything for us kind of person. However I would still never ask her to clean or cook for me. I do work hard on my relationship with my own children and hope that it never becomes what I have with my own mother.

In an ideal world, yes. We have life experiences that have shaped who we have become. Your mother probably does not realize she is doing this. She has been this way for how many years? Has anyone tried to help her see this? The problem is you don't want to tell her that she is this way because it will hurt your relationship more. Also every person has their own gift. My mother was very helpful and gracious. I feel like I lack what my mother had. A great book to read about relationships is The Five Love Languages. It talks about what type of love language you need to feel loved. It's great for marriages but for any relationship. Maybe your mom would be interested in reading it too? We cannot compare our mothers to other mothers. That is not fair to your mother and it prevents you from seeing the truly special things that make her unique.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. That being said, I do see a pattern in how she was raised to how I was raised. That's the thing with families, there's sometimes a cycle. Was her mother (your grandmother) critical of her? Is she a perfectionist and tried to make your mother one too? This may be your family cycle.Was your mother or grandmother a woman of the 50's? Women back then were flawless or nearly killed themselves trying to be. That's the trap may family has, my grandmother was a 50's home making godess, so much so my mother was never good enough, my Gran would just go behind and redo everything. My mom gave up and never really got into the pre-emptive cleaning habit. I do the same thing, I leave things until "Oh lord, we're going to have company this weekend! Must clean now!!" My house may not be immaculate or even dust/cat fluff free but it's not unhealthy.

Take a deep breath and count to 10. No one is perfect, we do the best we can. Each person and each family is so different. Watch yourself and be aware of the things you say and do around your baby boy, you don't want to fall into the family loop. Is your family healthy and comfortable? You're doing a good job if you can say yes. As for your mother and you, perhaps taking her out for coffee and talking might help.

Good luck!!

Hi, I hope you find the peace and happiness you need to raise your own kids the best you can. Of course you feel unloved when someone doesn't validate the most important job you do. That is a gaping hole that is hard to fix. And when someone huffs and puffs about having to do things for you, that lowers your self worth even more. I find that when one has "bad" days, it is hard for old unresolved feelings about self-esteem and other issues not to come to the surface thus bringing you down even further. Please don't compare yourself to other mothers/daughters who have close bonds. It is what it is. Compare yourself to those who have found resolutions instead! Also, seek what you need from outside your immediate circle. I have a very supportive relationship with my step-mother for example. And while she doesn't babysit, or come by when I an in a pinch, but she is "there" for me in a way that my mother or even my mother-in-law aren't. I just try to be grateful for whatever love someone can give me. Otherwise I'll be in a funk all the time!

My mom and I have had our ups and downs but she's always supported everything I do and never complained about at least not after I finally put my foot down and defended myself and my husband. In all honesty my husband and I got married really fast, we had only been dating about 3 and half months but had been talking to each other for about 5 months. It was like one of those love at first sight things. She and my step dad had confronted me about making sure I was making the right choice. A week after we had been married my husband and I decided to go out. (He's in the Army and at the time we hadn't found a place together so he was still in the barracks while I still lived with my parents an hour away from him.) He and I had decided to go clubbing and my mom demanded that I be back by midnight. I was 21 at the time and fully able to care for myself and I even had a car. I told her no I'd be back when I was ready. She told me she'd take the keys to my car and I told her she couldn't because she paid nothing on my car and it was in my name along with the insurance. She was speechless when I told her that and had also told her I'd just sleep in my car if I had to. She then asked me when I'd be home and I told her when I came home and then left. I didn't get home til 3 a.m. that night and two weeks later I moved out and into an apartment with my husband. Now my mom and I have a great relationship but my husband still hates her because of the first impression he got of her before we were married. She had tried to win his affection and get him to like her but my husband is as stubborn as an ox. My mom has righted her wrongs and hopes one day he will come around and like her. She feels bad and it hurts her to know he doesn't like her even though she's been nothing but nice and supportive. She has done some other things to upset us but she has apologized for that. Don't worry everyone goes through a rough time with their moms. But if she is being that insensitive I'd tell her not to worry about anything and just don't ask her or talk to her for a while. Maybe once she sees you don't need her she'll grow up. Good luck.

Well... I always say to myself after every interaction I have with my mother - "just one more thing to log in my brain of what NOT to do as a mother with my own kids"... Good thing that she lives 8 states away i guess.

Rest assure that you are not alone with your relationship with your mother, as there are MANY of us out there that don't have the best relationship with our mothers - for whatever reasons. Sounds to me that your feeling guilty about your relationship - and wondering why it's so different than maybe your friends and other family members may have with their mothers - and you have to stop cause it will drive you crazy.

As much as i would LOVE to have a good mother daughter relationship with my mom, there is way to much history there, but I do LOVE her and I accept her for what she is (this has come after many years of being angry which isn't good either). I don't ask anything of her, I don't expect anything from her and I don't get angry when she acts so selfish and non-motherly... it is what it is and she's never going to change. I wish things were different - but they just aren't meant to be.

Just focus on your kids and being the best mom you can..

My relationship with my mom is rocky. There for a while we were very close, but then we had a falling out and I just can't get back that closeness.

My mother is very gossipy. Some of the things I have confided to her about problems with my own daughter, have been thrown back in my face and in my daughter's face by my younger sister who has learned of these things from my mom. I have come to learn that I can't trust her to keep a confidence so I don't talk to her about anything. So I find that I don't have much to talk to her about. It is sad because I really enjoyed that close relationship and I felt like I had someone to confide in. It really broke my heart to learn that I could not talk to my own mother.

Some people are not happy unless they are complaining and criticizing. It is part of her makeup. You are going to have to figure out if you can live with her as she is or not.

My mom died when I was 9 and I lived with an aunt and she was very much like this with everything I did. I went to the school physchologist at a secretarial school and spoke to her and she told me to do what I wanted to do and not include her in my plans. It worked she was upset about me not "doing" for her but I was much happier. You have to learn to live your own life and not look for praise when you know praise is not going to come.

I wish you the best for your future. Live your life for you and not worry about what others think. Does it really matter what they think about your life? We are all different and we do always wish for what is not possible -- the grass is always greener.

Good luck to you. Don't sweat the small stuff.

The other S.

PS I married and moved on and left my aunt behind. She also always loved another niece over me and I could do not right. So they had each other and both lived to have very unhappy lives in many aspects.

I have to agree with Dana, it's got to be some kind of cycle. Now with that said don't start worrying and thinking that is how it will be for your child because it doesn't have to be. Cycles can be broken.

My mom and I are very close. We always have been. I wish my parents lived closer to me but they don't. It's about a 3 hour drive but if I need something or extra help my parents will come down for the weekend and it's great.

Now I know my grandmother was kind of close to my mother in a way. Or they were when they were younger. But then when my mom got married, had kids and then finished with her degree-their relationship changed to the point that my sisters and I were treated differently from our boy cousins (I never noticed that growing up). My grandmother believed my mom should have been a stay at home mom, that going to college was a waste so my mom never had any help from her parents (unlike her brothers). But it's a cultural thing as well.

Have you ever talked to your mom about how you feel? As I write that I'm wondering if you should because she'll just take it out on you.

Is your mother-in-law able to help you out any?

All of us have different problems in our relationships with our parents.

I am not going to even begin to explain mine with my mom, that would be a novel.

Your mom you said is taking care of your child every other day for 2-3 hrs., have you told her, 'Thanx mom I so appreciate your help'? Sometimes we forget that our parents don't OWE us once we become adults, watching your child is different than spending quality time on her terms with her granchild.

Your friend's mom isn't your mom & there is no point in even going there.

If you realize that you are hurt by your mom's behavior & raise your child without the critisisim that you live with from her then there will be no reason for your child to feel as you do now.

I am 59 yrs young & am raising since 2000 three of my 11 grans now aged 12, 13 & 17 when I got them I had two in diapers, I didn't have 9 months to plan, one day my DH & I were fancy free GP's spending time with grankidz & grown kidz on OUR terms & then...POOF!...instant family, it's been difficult & continues to be so, financially & physically & I, as well have moments when I would almost die for a little help, but my family isn't near me, my DH's family is busy with their lives & so I just do my best & move forward, no time for feeling unloved or unappreciated I am just too busy for that...pick yourself up, dust yourself off, love your child, absorb all the love you can from your child, accept the help that your mother gives in her own way & be grateful that she is there, someday she won't be & you will be remembering all of the good she did not the bad. Make peace with YOU & then find peace with your mother.

Blessed Be...

Prior to her death I would have considered my mom my best friend. We made lunch and shopping dates, talked about everything. There wasn't a single thing I couldn't tell her. When I found out I was pregnant with my first we tossed around decorating ideas, boy vs girl, latest mothering trends, etc. Unfortunately she passed away when I was 5 months pregnant and never got the joy of being a grandmother to my kids. I miss her every day and I would love for her to be here to answer my questions, spoil my kids. I missed her being around when the kids were babies because I never got to ask for her opinion on my mothering skills. My dad says she would say the same thing that he does "You're a great mom." But it just isn't the same.

I agree that moms and daughters should be closer in general but a lot of that comes from understanding each other. Maybe you should schedule some mother/daughter time and talk about how you feel. It sounds like her life is as stressful as yours and she has made her self feel under-appreciated. Which is exactly the same way you feel. You might even consider counseling in order to repair your relationship. Eventually resentment will lead to estrangement. I had such a great relationship with my mom that I have no doubt would have gotten stronger had she lived to spend time with my kids so I would love for all daughters to have that same relationship.

Don't give up, losing that relationship is never worth it.

My relationship with my mom is fine. We get along well. We just are super close. My mom had very, very bad post postpartum depression after I was born. She was not able to take care of me. My dad did everything. Not surprisingly, her PPD carried over into years of depression. We just never bonded. She wasn't mean to me, or anything. It's like I just wasn't there. She definitely took to parenting all my older sisters (I'm the youngest) and left me for my dad. Not in a neglectful way, she simply didn't know me. She couldn't understand my needs. I like and love my mom, we talk and see each other often. Our relationship will never be the one I have with my dad. I can't even describe how important his relationship is to me. It's priceless.

You ask what OUR relationship is with OUR mother, but I don't think that is what you really want to know, as that does not help YOUR situation. BTW - I LOVE LOVE LOVE my mom. She has been the most supportive person in my life - the person who gave me unconditional love even when I was at my worst. She never watched my kids for me, or anything else, but she is my rock. She does not live nearby but we talk a couple times each week, and when my life was hell, she listened to my tears and sobs even if it was for hours.

As for YOUR mom... it sounds like she feels overly stressed. It could be hormonal, nutritional... maybe she is not sleeping well....
She may feel trapped between generations having to take care of her own mother and the generations under her at the same time... at a time in her life when she is tired. She was caregiver all her life. You are comparing HER with your friend's mother and their situation ("... is so helpful..." and that is sooooo NOT fair on multiple levels. Your mother is helping care for her own mother, and you have no idea what HER energy level is. Our bodies are never equal. Our sleep is not equal. Our health level is never equal.

I feel for you.... I feel for your mother, too.

I have a good relationship with my mom. I can tell her just about anything. yes, we have are moments but it just petty differences and that all depends on the mood at the time. she does not complain about anything I do. my mom still and so do I so we talke every couple weeks.
Maybe you could have a friend or hire a sitter to watch your child. Your mom is also trying to help take care of her own mother so she probably is tired and no, she does not get time to herself. Shes running here there and everywhere and its probably hard on her. Have you ever asked her to have lunch with you or go shopping or have a girls day out? Have you asked her how shes feeling? Maybe you could step in once in awhile to help with grandma. Everyone needs help once in awhile but don't expect people to pitch in around the house.

My relationship with my mother is not great either. When I turned 16-17 years old, my mother changed. We didn't spend much time together, she worked a lot and my boyfriend (who is my husband of almost 20 years today) was the one I preferred to spend my time with and I believe my independence affected her badly. I am married, I have 4 children, we own our own home but yet my mother treats me at times like I'm still 12. I feel criticized by her, although she does not come right out and say anything specifically, it's how she says things that makes me feel that she is thinking in her mind that I am doing doing things the way she would. My parents used to live near me but have since moved away but they visit often, though they don't stay with me in my home. They have a little traveling trailer. My sister lives near me and my mother spends more time with my sister. My sister has one child, I have 4. My mother complains how she misses the grandchildren, how she wants to spend so much time with them yet when she visits us she hardly comes over. Your not alone...lots of us have difficult relationships with our mothers.

Oh, my goodness. Find another back up to watch your child. Be it another SAHM you trust, or a home day care who takes drop-ins. Having your Mom watch your son sounds like it is only making matters worse, and you need to take care of yourself by getting to physio.

I've actually always had a good relationship with my mother, but having my own child brought a lot of stuff up, and made me take another look at her. After my daughter was born, I began to realize all the ways in which my mother had lacked--mostly in emotional availability and passivity. She didn't come to meet her new grandchild for 2 or 3 weeks after she was born (she lives an hour and a half drive away), when she did come she sat around and didn't lift a finger to help with anything, and hardly wanted to interact with the baby--this went on for about 2 years.

After some serious anger and angry words (from me--she is utterly passive agressive and her strategy for dealing with conflict is to ignore it and pretend it never happened), I finally found a way to just accept who she is and have no expectations. Therapy helped with this. I think part of it was just grieving what I didn't get from her as a child, and recognizing what I did.

Part of it is setting boundaries, and trying to enjoy her the rest of the time without expecting that she will act the way I want her to. And doing what I can to ensure my daughter has a relationship with her. I know she is not going to get on the floor and play with my daughter, but she will read stories on the sofa or let my daughter "cut her hair" there--so I encourage that. She won't go into the sand and applaud my daughter on the playground, but she will walk there with us, so we do that.

I hope that helps.