What to Do About In-laws

I hope every thing works out for you.

I am sorry I have no advice...I just wanted to point out that you are upset that they are not treating your child fairly because even tho she is not blood, she is still family....and then you are not allowing a 6 yr old to come to your house ( I know you have your reasons but sounds like, to an outsider, that you are not treating her fairly) but she is also supposed to be family, even tho she is not your blood. ???

Sounds kinda the same to me?

How "Crazy" can a 6 yr old family member possibly be, for her to be "not welcome" at your house? If she truly is "crazy" then is it her fault and should she feel singled out and treated unfairly? She is only 6!

If she is not crazy and just a brat...sounds like you are treating her unfairly as well....she is supposed to be "family" now too, right?

-----------Not sure what you are supposed to do about all this...only you know all the details. I say go with your heart----------------------

Your in-laws where taking care of your child correct?
You must have felt comfortable enough with them to watch your child & take care of while you went to work. Do you really expect them to do your housework too?
Was it that horrible to change sheets - wash towels - clean up, don't you change sheets and wash towels weekly already?

From your post it sounds to me like your the one being selfish.

Have you accepted your husband's family? Your telling a 6 year old they cannot come to your house. Did they really come that often? They're just visiting not living with you daily.

If you become more acceptable of his Family they might become more acceptable of yours.

Just a thought.....

Please tell them what you don't like and why you hired a different babysitter.

I'm an in-law 8 times. I don't take hints. If my in-law kids want me to do something or behave differently in their home they better tell me. I'm amazed at the things they say the have hinted at that I should do or not do. So I've made it a practice to tell them that if they want me to do something tell me straight and flat out with NO hints.

We get along much better and have a good relationship since they started telling me without hinting. AND I treat them the same way.

If you want your in-laws to behave differently tell them what you want them to do or how they should change their behavior. Especially when they treat your older daughter differently and you don't like it.

I love my mom and dad dearly, but they were both only children and didn't know how to raise two brothers. When my brother would come home with A's and I would come home with B's and C's they would always chew me out and invaribly ask, "Your brother got A's or straight A's. Why can't you?" Well my brother could sleep through class and never open a book and get better grades than me. If I got invited to a party and my brother couldn't go, I couldn't go. The result. My brother and I grew up enemies.

Be nice to your neice and teach her your rules. DON'T HINT. Insist your in-laws treat both your daughters the same or similar. (How can you treat a 9 year old the same as a 1 year old? Have them both wear diapers or not? ;) ) Insist your in-laws put clean sheets on their bed when they leave and leave the room the same way they found it. ETC. As for the "What's for dinner?" question. You can tell them you're having dinner at 5:00 (or whatever time) and you're having ??? and they should bring Xxx or Yyy. That's the way I handle it when my kids come over for Sunday dinner. I supply the main course and they bring a salad or a desert or vegetables or something. I have one daughter that's very talented with making bread. She even has her own wheat grinder and makes her own flour and then the bread. Its wonderful stuff. Find out from your husband what his parents do well and ask them to bring that. AND P R A I S E their culinary efforts!!!! Even if you can do better!!! You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Good Luck to you!!!

So, you are really not allowing a six year old in your home? This sounds a bit strange.

Unreasonable people cannot be expected to act reasonably. I know, I've tried...

It sounds like you did the right thing about getting another sitter, as you don't want them to move in with you (which, they practically were anyways).

Anyways, it's weird they won't talk to you over it, b/c it was really such a huge hassle. Just let them know that it was too difficult and you didn't want them to feel burdened anymore either (even if you are lying about that part), so you did the best thing to make it easier on everyone.

If they can't deal with that, then let them be miserable, unhappy people. And, I don't know the reason behind the other 6 yr old grandchild bnot being over, but you can't expect them to go out of their way, when you aren't either.

good luck! and ps... kaye's advice is way awesome!

i really want to say you did the right thing, as per experience, in-laws can be major pain in marriage. i just can't. i am looking at what you have described and two things come to mind: you expected from the inlaws to provide to your daughter what you have not provided for another family member of theirs. also, inlaws, most of them, are older school, family members take care of family members. to them, you are entrusting their grandchild to a non-family member other than them, the grandparents.
i know, what you had to deal with was a pain, but very doable. firstly i would have not stressed over unwashed bedding. i would have gotten two sets of bedding for your daughter's room, and changed them depending on who was going to sleep in that bed, your daughter or your inlaws, and folded the rest for the next set of visitors. the extra stay...you had to leave to work in the morning, so they had to come a day earlier, because 1 hr driving, plus getting ready for older people, is not easily doable. the visit ending on tuesday, again, they were exhausted after taking care of a 1 year old, so i would have not expected them to leave that same night. maybe i would have wished for them to leave, but not really expected. plus for them, if they didn't leave on monday night, they got extra time with their son and grandchild.
the issue with your daughter...i know it hurts, but she is not their blood. she hasn't been in their lives for too long, you have been married for a short while. plus she doesn't live with their son full-time, so if you guys see your daughter 50 per cent of the time, how much do the grandparents get to spend with your daughter? not much. they need more time to get to know her, and accept her as part of family. but with you changing arrangements for their biological grandchild, has not given them more reason to be unaccepting of your daughter.
my suggestion, your younger child will start daycare in a year or so. you should have buckled up, and allowed this to continue for another year, for the same of peace within family. if you can, change the arrangements back to the original, and apologize. give them a chance to be a part of your life, and as such, a chance for your daughter to become a true part of their lives.
EDIT: the six year old does not have the ability to distinguish between lying and reality. not yet. they just don't have the capacity. we have to level with them and try to find out why they behave the way they behave, rather than labeling them mean and crazy. you need to welcome back that child to your family. this is another bothering part for the grandparents. this 6 year old is their blood not allowed in your house, but your child, not their blood, is allowed. maybe you have all the reasons in the world for doing this, but to them, and many others, does not seem reasonable, especially, since we're talking about a 6 year old.
good luck

Maybe they need to spend more time with your older daughter, they might not even know her that well being that you and your husband have not been married that long and she was not there when they were watching your youngest. If they don't want to spend more time with her, then you have a problem. But give them a chance to get to know her better.

Hi, L.:

All is not lost: Go on line and check out the PA Council of Mediators.
Find a family mediator near you and see about resolving the conflict.
Good luck.D.

I can really relate to certain parts of your situation. My mom and stepdad (til he passed) came to watch my son Mon/Tues while I worked before my son was in school all day. After my step father passed away, my mom would come, but she'd come Sunda and stay til my hubby got home Tuesday from work. Extra sheets, towels, etc but all the stuff my mom did for us was truly a blessing! She cooked, did laundry, cleaned up, etc. I felt like even though I was at work, my "clone" was holding down the home base the same way I would. It doesn't sound like that was your experience though.
Look at it through their eyes for a minute--an hour away, staying overnight--a BIG interruption of their lives as well! Perhaps you just needed to address each issue as it happened. But that didn't happen and what's done is done.
I think the only thing you can really do at this point is to express gratitude for what they DID do for you and apologize if you hurt their feelings. They way they treat your older daughter is another issue. Address that as well, but separately.
As for the "granddaughter no allowed in your home"....????? Weird situation.

First off you have every right to hire whomever you wish to babysit your youngest daughter. The price seems fair in the fact that your in laws were using you, causing you yourself so much extra work. What for, it only stressed you out. If they were at home they would have to clean after themselves, you are not their maid. Secondly, your now husband has accepted you and your daughter (package deal) and of course he loves both of you. I feel that your husband should be saying something to his parents'. Even if you have to say to him "our daughter" questioned why grandma and grandpa don't pay attention to me but to the other grandaughter. It is so unfair, I swear sometimes they know exactly what they are doing just to get you going and tick you off. You sound like a wonderful mother and wife but again I would say to have your husband say something. Its his mom and dad and I'm sure he knows from past issues' how they can really be. There is no harm in the 4 of you sitting down and having a discussion but have your husband start it, or you will always be the one who doesn't like us! Even though you know its not true. Or maybe put a bug into one of your relatives ear (husbands side) and see if the msg. gets back to them. Your daughter is not like the other grandaughter who is 6 and at some point grandma and grandpa are going to get a rude awakening. I can't say that I can blame you for not having her over. The truth is what it is but for you to be saying something I'm sure that you would be back stabbed by them unfortunately. I don't know what kind of relationship your husband has with them but its time for him to step up to the plate so to speak. Let him know your concerns and what is going to happen when your little one starts getting their attention and your daughter isn't. This is so totally unfair and she will see it by that time. It sounds like your husband is an easy person to talk with and obviously agreed that you find someone else to look after your little one, so he knows all about his parents. Take a quiet evening and sit and speak with your husband after both children are in bed. Tell him how you feel and let him know that its really affecting your relationship with his parents' and that is not something that you ever wanted to happen. None of us do!! Hopefully I have given you some motherly advise, I have 3 grandchildren and one step grandson, I always tell him I love him, give him a kiss and hug goodbye on his wknds. with his dad just as I do my own 3. You can't take sides'. All children are loveable in their own ways and not one of them should be left out from their grandparents'. That is absolutely rude, vindictive and quite possibly jealous because you and your husband now have 2 beautiful children who the 9 yr. old I'm sure is very respectful and so will your little one as she grows'. Maybe this is where the jealousy comes in, because the other grandchild sounds so very disrespectful.
My heart goes out to you but pls. have your husband bring it up, it is his mother and father and I'm sure if the coin were flipped you would be saying something to your parents' for him.

it sounds like you have a lot going on and you briefly mentioned something about another granddaughter not welcome in your home. I have no clue what is going on so having said that, is there a possibility that could have something to do with it? A part of the problem sounds like communication. Did you try talking to them before you found other childcare?

I'd suggest that you apologize only for not handling the situation with grace. Don't apologize for telling them what you need.

Complex family issues usually call for establishing clear boundaries, understanding our own legitimate needs, and balancing them with others' needs. None of this comes easily, and is a life-long effort for many of us. Fortunately, once we see the need for clarity, there are communication techniques that can help us get there. There's an approach called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) that I have found extremely helpful in a number of relationships, including with my husband. You might wish to experiment with the process. Here's a brief outline of the steps, and simple examples:

1. Say what you observe happening, in clear, non-judgemental language. "I notice that you come here to be of help, but lately I have more and more work to do in order to host your visits."

Be really, really careful at this stage to keep your observations free of emotional language, like "You're taking me for granted," of "You act as though this is your home and I'm your maid." Even if they feel true for you, statements like those will poison the possibility of meaningful progress.

2. Make a stab at what her motives might be. Use the most compassionate language you can. "It seems that you feel like a regular part of the household now." Or, "I can't help but wonder if you see these visits as mini-vacations for your family?"

3. Tell clearly how you feel about it (not "you MAKE me feel negative," but rather, "when you leave all the meal prep and housekeeping for me, I FEEL some negative emotion." A fine distinction, but empowering). Or, "I feel angry / hurt / upset when you assume I will cook for you during extended visits." Or, "I notice I just feel stressed and exhausted when we're expecting another long visit from all of you."

4. Tell what needs you have that are being violated or ignored. "I need more privacy, more time to enjoy my family, and less work." Or, "I really need you to consider my feelings / needs / wishes here." Or, "I so wish I could relax and not dread your visits."

5. Make a clear request that is within the other person's ability to satisfy. "So, I really need for you plan shorter visits (and/or bring fewer people, and/or participate more in the work your visits involve)."

This approach will help establish grownup boundaries, while respecting both your in-laws and yourself. Obviously, you can combine the steps above into a more natural flow, but I've separated them for clarity. Learn more about this approach by googling "Non-Violent Communication." There are books, examples, workshops, and local support groups if you find it helpful.

Well, I went through a similar situation with my son's father over his family which, among other things, led to our break up. Family is tricky. Hopefully, it doesn't go that way for you. When you're a working mom, if family is the only one that can babysit then you have to do what you have to do. Since you found a babysitter, problem solved. I wouldn't feel sorry about it. You have to feel comfortable in your own home.

As far as your daughter is concerned, no one should be allowed to disrespect her. Period. She's a child. Do you tell your husband how you feel? Does he want to stay out of it or would he back you up? Maybe if you feel uncomfortable with speaking with them, speak to him first about how to go about it. Maybe let him have a talk with them since it is his family and they may take it alittle easier coming from him. The reason me and my son's father broke up is because instead of him approaching his family to defend us, they just stuck together to the point where I couldn't hold my tongue any longer and didn't care who's feelings got hurt. Hopefully, it doesn't go that far but I certainly wouldn't tolerate anyone disrespecting my child or making her feel uncomfortable and they need to know that.