I have a strong willed 4 year old who whines, pouts, complains, and basically refuses to do many simple things I ask. she is very happy and outgoing and then when she is asked to do something that she does not want to do she will get a bad attitude with me. I try not to yell and simply ignore her but I feel that does not teach her anything. for example she does not like to clean up after herself and when I ask her she will pout and then her sister will do it and I praise her sister then she yells at me "you said I didn't do a good job." I explain to her sister not to clean up the mess that her sister has to do it, but it never gets done. she refuses so I just send her to her room. she gets upset when I give her water to drink. she says in a mean tone of voice, "I don't want water" so I say please do not speak to me like that and send her to her room where she crys and pouts. she does this everyday, I know to be consistent with her punishment but the only thing that works is putting her in time out and it does not seem like she is learning how to listen and respect her elders. I praise her constantly when she does do good, but getting her to do anything is very difficult she wants it HER way all the time. I am reading the book the strong willed child by James Dobson and I am learning alot but it is hard to put into practice. I am very paient but she loves to test me. any advice would be appreciated.
We used James Dobsons strong willed child philosophy, it works. I have to say that it works if you follow through with his ideas on discipline. I know not everyone would agree, but if you are going to read the book and apply it, then go all the way with it.
I have a very strong willed child but she doesn't disrespect me and refuse to do what I tell her. I hope I don't step on any toes but is just sounds like she's a little spoiled. When my girls don't do something I have asked them to do they lose a priviledge, they are a little older, but they lose their TV priviledges or while one gets story time the other has to work on what they should have done earlier. Instead of going to the park I stay home and help the one that has not been cooperating clean her room. Hope this helps.
Hi L.,
I am the mother of three daughters 27,25 & 22. I was lucky when the girls were little - they were all really great little kids and the few temper tantrum they threw were minor. I was always pretty firm with them and they knew when I said something that is what I meant!
I do however have a four year old granddaughter that is about as stubborn as they come! I can not tell you how many times we ask her if her listening ears are on - lately she answers back "they are sleeping"! Such a little smartie! To compound issues she is and will remain to be an only child (her mommy can't have any more), plus she is the only grandchild! So she has become quite spoiled. As an "only" you would think things would be easier, but both of her parents are young, and they both work and go to school so the consistency at home is more then lacking! One time it's ok to do something - the next time it's not. At our house however (and she is there a lot) the rules are always the same - and for the most part she is like a different child. The one thing that is consistent with her is that she does not want to pick up her toys, so we have started something new and it seems to work really well - we bought a simple kitchen timer, when it's time to clean up we set the timer with 5/10 minutes - however long you think it should take - the rules are whatever she has left laying around that I have to pick up when that timer goes off reverts back to my possession! It took a few times for her not to throw fits and such, but if you stay consistent and let her know you mean business it should work. Our little GD was down about half of her toys before she realized she was running out of things to play with. You will have to decide how long to keep the toys - maybe she can actually earn them back by doing the things you ask of her without throwing fits!? When they are four - the concept of time is still so lacking that a week could feel like a year and such...
As for your six year old picking up after you ask her not to - I did raise a peace keeper! She hated to have an upset in the house, and she hated having her sisters in any trouble. Your chore here will have to be to try and make her understand that she is not really helping her sister learn by "covering" for her.
Get in the habit now of not yelling at them when you are upset - as they become teenagers this will be a habit of great value! I found that if I got VERY quiet and got right in their space when I wanted to make a point it was 10 times more effective then yelling my head off! Think about your own reaction when someone starts to yell. Most people go into "shut down" mode - now imagine a small child having someone so much bigger then they are yelling - not saying I have never yelled at the girls - but to this day - if I am upset with one of them, they can not stand it when I GO QUIET!
I know there is a lot of advice out there and I am sure you will receive a lot of advice through here - but if you just stay consistent with her, it will pay off in the long run.
Good luck and hang in there!
N.
Quick question - when she comes out of her room after having her temper tantrum - do you make her apologize for "being mean to mommy, and hurting mommy's feelings"? If not - this is definitely something she should do, not only will it reinforce that it is something she should not do, it will help her to remember and understand WHY she was sent to her room in the first place.
Hi L.!
Here are my thoughts on your situation...First off, one thing I learned with having a strong willed child of my own is that kids do what works for them. There is some kind of reward/payoff for her some where along the way here. If there wasn't she simply wouldn't do it. I am guessing it is attention. That's what it was with my son. Positive or negative, I was giving him attention without even realizing it...for instance, he's in time out and kicking the lamp and I tell him to stop, etc etc. Kids are very smart little individuals and they figure out early on how to push our buttons! I think when she doesn't clean up after herself then you say NOTHING but you do SOMETHING (remember that actions speak WAY louder than words especially with kiddos) so if she leaves her say, barbies, all over the living room then you do not allow sis to pick them up but you simply matter of factly go over and put them in a trash bag or box and carry them to the garage or a high shelf in your closet, and you do this consistently. Pretty soon she will start to wonder where all her stuff is or see you doing it without speaking and she will get it figured out that she better take action and that you mean business! She doesn't pick up after herself because she doesn't have to...she has her sister or you to do that for her! So quit doing it! I have to remind myself of the same thing nearly every day and all hours of the day.
When you give her a glass of water and she is nasty and says she doesn't want water either say nothing - completely ignore her - or use a one liner - "water is what we are drinking right now." I totally understand that you want her to understand that her behavior is rude but clearly telling her isn't sending enough of a message. She needs to really feel the consequences.
I personally love the LOVE & LOGIC tapes. And also a site online with videos called Monkey See. Both of those helped me tremendously with my son. And remember that four is still young and a tough age. They are still trying to learn their independence. You guys will be ok. You sound like a wonderful and nurturing mommy and you will weather the storm and she will get things figured out!
I hope you find some strategies and that things start to improve for you guys! <hugs>
I would start w/ telling her to stop whining and pouting when she starts. Tell her whining and pouting is not tolerated in this house. Kids only do what their parents allow them to do. Also, she probably isn't respecting you when you ask her to please not speak to me that way. I personally think it only does harm when a parent asks their children to please not do something towards the parent. You are the parent and shouldn't have to say please. She needs to be taught that's not tolerated. Saying please makes you look very wimpy to children, therefore they don't respect you for that. I think too many parents try to be so polite to their children that they are missing the effect of parenting. Being a parent is a tough job and you have to exert some toughness. Not be mean, but be firm and tough. I'm sure you'll here from her how mean you are etc... but again don't let her talk that way. I like the idea of "throwing away" her toys if she doesn't clean up. My mom used to do that w/ my brother. His clothes would always end up next to the hamper and not in it, and she got tired of telling him to put them in the hamper, so they started disapearing. He finally got the hint. Nip this in the bud now before she becomes an unruley teenager!! Good luck!!
First, congratulations on asking the question! Most parents are looking for a better way to deal with such difficult moments, and it is so easy to just let frustration inspire our words and methods. One of the things I love most about MamaSource is that it offers us a forum for learning to be more effective parents.
The book, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov, is the best book I have ever found as a mother. It teaches the parent to understand such situations, to transform your approach from 'shaming' to 'naming', and provides a language that is highly effective with children (and adults). I not only learned to use this with our son, but with a good many nieces and nephews. I now work with children who have behavioral and learning difficulties. Virtues language works even with some of the most difficult children. It is a respectful, caring, and encouraging way to draw clear boundaries and empower children to make better choices. If you visit the website, www.VirtuesProject.com, you can also order CDs that are very helpful in learning to use the language of virtues in various situations. You will need to be patient with yourself as you learn to think and speak in this language, but I promise, this was the second most important tool I ever learned as a parent. The most important was prayer... frequent, urgent, and faithful prayer.
Children natually desire to be admired, to be recognized, to be honored. We often fall into the habit of not noticing the virtues our children are using. When they do something helpful, or generous, or kind, or creative, or courageous, etc., we often say things like, "Thank you, that was nice." If we develop the skill of recognizing 'teachable moments' and honoring our children not simply for what they do, but for the spirit with which they do it, then we can be more specific with words like, "I saw you being helpful (or kind...)"
The reason this parenting skill and habit is so important is that it will develop oportunities for communication. Once your daughter is used to words like helpful, patient, thoughtful, etc., you can begin asking for the virtue you want to see your child use rather than asking for just a specific action. Instead of telling a child to carry their dishes to the sink, you can say something like, "I need everyone to use responsibility and get their dishes to the sink." It is amazing how respected and loved a child feels when someone recognizes and calls forth the noble powers within them.
But, I am not naive. Once you are faced with the dilema of obstinance, it may not be so easy to change this pattern overnight. If she refuses to be responsible when asked, I would explain that little babies aren't able to use responsibility like a 4 y/o can and that I have admired watching her grow and develop her power of responsibility, and that I now expect to see her put her responsibility to work. If that did not work straight away, I would also explain the virtue of justice and let her know that if she chooses to not exercise her responsibility today, that the rest of the family will not be required to be helpful and bring her dishes to the table for her tomorrow. You could even tell her that if she does not bring her dirty dishes in to be washed for her, that she will not have the privilege of having her dishes washed for her and that she will then have to wash them herself before the next meal. These are reasonable consequences, not arbitray punishment.
I feel it is very important, also, to give children simple choices to help them resolve the issues. I don't like the time-out or go-to-your-room type of punishments. It does not teach a child to solve the problem. It only makes them feel rejected, isolated, and disempowered. Even if a child needs to be removed from a dramatic situation and needs to cool down, I will tell them something like, "Looks like you will need some time to recover your dignity. Would you like to be alone for a few minutes, or would you like someone to talk to and help you with that?"
When we learn to speak the language of virtues with our children, they learn that our choices are based in sound principles and are not just arbitrary or dictatorial decisions. This evokes respect from children that you will cherish when they are teenagers.
Good luck. Hope these thoughts are helpful to you.
My kids will get demanding at times and say things rudely, like, "Gimmie that______", and "get over here and help me!". Whenever I hear this tone and type of demanding, I correct them and have them rephrase thier request in a polite manor before the get what tehy are asking for. It usually works, and I noticed after a while they begin to do it all on thier own. Your daughter may just need to be taught a different way, like telling her what would be a better choice to say and making her use the better choice before she gets what it is she wants.
Look up Love and Logic by Jim Fay on the internet. I have attended several of his seminars and have listened many times to the tapes (yes, I've been using them before CD's were available) many times to keep reminding myself what to do. They are probably available at the library but I purchased mine to have on hand when I wanted a refresher. Worth every penny!
The staying calm, having a mantra, etc. really does work.
Good luck!
HI L., I work in child care and have seen this a lot.
The best advice I can give is to model for her what her tone of voice should sound like, give her more choices throughout the day, and be consistent like you are.
When she wants something, ONLY let her have it or do it when she asks politely. If she starts out by asking with an attitude, just model for her how it should sound instead and give her a chance to re-say it. If she chooses not to, then tell her that is her choice and send her to her room, have her leave the area, etc. until she is ready to speak politely. You can tell her that you cannot hear her when she wines. But, always give her a chance to re-say it even after she has been asked to leave the area until she is ready. This second chance to do it the right way can be a real learning opportunity.
If she is doing this to enforce some of her own strong will, giving her more choices throughout the day may ease some of the attitude. "Would you like water or milk with lunch?" "Would you like to have green beans or peas with our dinner tonight?" "Would you like to clean up after yourself by yourself or would you like me to help you?" With this choice, she has to pick one, but either way, she's still cleaning up. Even if she picks the option with help from you, you could ask her which ONE thing she would like you to clean up. So, maybe you take her cup to the sink and she gets the rest, or something like that. But this way, she is still doing some of the clean up.
Being consistent, as it sounds like you are, is very important here. Giving in to her will only teach her that her strategies are working and she will keep doing it and try even harder next time. This stage can take a while to pass, but your consistency with the rules will help it to pass more quickly. Stay strong and in the end, you will watch your daughter move past this stage and she will have the manners and respect that you have been raising her with.
Best wishes!
I also don't think you should ever have to ask your child not to be rude to you. You tell her that was rude and immediately give a consequence they will remember.
Toys- No food or drink until they are put away. No discussion. Just tell her once and mean what you say. I'd let her go all day without food if she had to. She won't starve and she'll pick them up when she gets hungry enough.
As for the water... I would say very sternly then I guess you won't have anything. Take the water back, dump it in the sink and tell her go play. When she stomps her feet saying she's thirsty, tell her she was rude and that she doesn't get anything until the next meal or snack.
Whining... That's easy too. You say this... "Oh dear, I guess you are tired. Children whine when they are tired so you have to be tired. You'll have to go to sleep so you can wake up in a better mood. Immediately put her in bed.
We are all strong willed. But you are the parent and she is the child. You need to be more strong willed than she is.
The pay off she is getting is that she is enjoying controlling the household. It's fun to push mommies buttons, make her frustrated and ultimately, she's getting her way more often than not. Because she's really naughty on her worst day, making you tired and at your wits end, then on a day she only gets in trouble a few times you actually feel you had a pretty decent day. But she's 4. She can and needs to follow the rules all day long. This should be an age of learning and enjoying, going places and having new experiences. It should be a wonderful time, not a difficult one.
She'll never be perfect. But you have to decide where to draw the line.
You're not alone! I have a 4 yo daughter who is driving me crazy at times. I've been reading the book called Get a New Child by Friday. I can't think of the author off the top of my head. I've already implemented one suggestion and it has worked wonders.
Basically, you're not supposed to raise your voice and you're only supposed to tell your child once. For example, "Sally, you need to go and pick up the toys off your bedroom floor."
If she doesn't comply, say nothing. The very next time she asks you for something, say sweetly, "No, I'm sorry. I asked you to pick up your toys and you didn't." Then walk away.
We were in Walmart the other day and my daughter was in a tiff about something. Then later she asked me for some candy. I said, "No, I'm not going to buy candy today. I didn't like the way you were speaking to me a few minutes ago. It was disrespectful." She didn't say anything, and she didn't press the subject which is TOTALLY uncharacteristic for her. I have used this technique all week long and her episodes have REALLY decreased. I'm amazed. I'm actually able to laugh with her and enjoy her company now.
Good luck!
With strong-willed children, you must choose your battles carefully.
Why not start by eliminating the cleaning battle?
Assuming that she has ample storage for her clothes & a hamper in her room as well as a bin for hair accessories in the bathroom...
First, explain to her that you understand that she has been having a problem keeping her room clean and that you a solution which will make it much easier for her to keep her room neat and tidy like Mommy's. Say that you are going to give away the things that she doesn't play with in order to make it easy for her to take care of her favorite things. She may be overwhelmed by all that she has. Most children have more than they will ever play with.
Help her by sorting everything into 2 piles: 1-Keep & 2-Give Away. You may be amazed by her generosity. You can tell her how happy she will make the children who will receive her toys. =)
Next, get some of those large stackable drawers (K-Mart, WalMart, or Target has them). Stack them in her closet, but only 2-3 high, depending on her height.
Have one drawer for each category. Examples: Dolls, dress-up clothes, art supplies, blocks, etc. You can place a lable, photo, or sticker on the front of each drawer to help her to know what goes into each one.
The drawers can be completly pulled out when needed and make clean up a breeze.
Next, get a small, inexpensive bookshelf or crates (turned on thier sides) to store her books.
Finally, get her a timer. Try to find a fun one, like an apple, that she can set at clean-up time. By doing this, SHE will time herself, making clean-up more fun. Tell her that her newly, organized room will be easy to keep clean if she plays her "clean-up" game every day. If she can't set the timer, you can help her or play a clean up song for her.
Good luck! =)
PS Clean Up Songs are great and so are charts with happy faces for clean rooms and sad faces for messy rooms. Maybe, she can have a friend or cousin come over to play IF she has kept her room clean??
L.,
I also have a 5 year old with a "sour" additude. After much frustration on my part, I finally talked to my pediatrician about it. He suggested instead of telling him what to do, try asking him. I know this sounds silly, but it worked for us! For example, when I would ask him to clean up his toys, he usually would ignore me, or throw such a fit. Now, if I say, "Hey Tyler, could you please pick up those toys for mom. It would really help me out..." he will do what I ask! I use this whenever I need him to do something. It sounds crazy, but it really has made all the difference in the world. He is very sensitive and would get his feelings hurt very easily before (he would tell me I was mean, and I was picking on him) but now he feels important because he is "helping" me. I also use praise ALL the time. Even for little things. It has really made a huge difference.
I hope this helps, feel free to email me if you want to talk more!
G.
It sounds like you are trying very hard, and the track you are on sounds good, some things you might try are making a small sticker chart and putting a sticker on it every time she is positive or does something the first time you ask her to, make them short at first with only 4 or 5 spots to be filled and have the goal be something Really small like an extra book read at bedtime or helping mom make cookies, then build up to more spaces and make the reward bigger like a special lunch out with just mom, or even a trip to the dollar store. It may be a touch of jealousy, it can be tough to be the "little sister" she sees her big sister get praise and her negative attitude may have almost become a bad habit she hasn't even realized she has fallen into. Try some one on one time with her...try some group projects with both daughters as well. Talk to your youngest and remind her you love them Both equally but that you love them for different reasons...Tell your daughter what specifically you love about her! And then, tell her what you would like her to work on so you can all be a happier family.
Lots of luck, your family will be in my prayers!
B.
Dear L.,
I understand where you're coming from. We are going through a similar situation with our 3-year-3-month-old daughter. She was being awfully complainy, whiny, and difficult at times. Although, her personal issues are probably different: she has a younger sister (18 months) and we are expecting our third - a sister - in January, so I have no doubt that her behavior is a regression of some sort to an earlier time in life where she needed us more.
So I was finding myself raising my voice a lot, and then I realized that it was time that I accentuate the positive. It seems that classical conditioning, or rewarding good behavior and essentially "ignoring" to stamp out the pouting or other undesirable behavior is working for us. Of course, the "ignoring" can be after a brief and non-emotional explanation such as "that is unacceptable behavior" or "I will no longer acknowledge you" during this time of the behavior.
But also, and "key" to our hopeful progression, is a reward system that we've put in place: a "star" chart. I just picked up at the Learning Tree, essentially a "sticker" chart that you can reuse (wipe-off) that comes with a picture sticker for little chores she can do (feeding the dog, picking up her toys, being happy or having a good attitude, -for us going on the potty- , and then we wrote in ourselves on the chart "being kind" and "being a good listener" (i.e. doing things the first time that we ask her). She has responded beautifully to this because if she earns or has a "four-star-day", she gets some sort of little special treat: like to make cookies with mommy, or a chocolate Nutella graham cracker, a headband she's been wanting, or to go on a special night walk that evening around the community. And she will work for those stars, too.
Recently (and we've only been doing it for about a week and a half), she's been asking to feed the dog (something fairly easy for herself) for a star. You can also, if you want or need, take away, or threaten to take away, a star if she's pouting or complaining. But the best way she responds to it is if I throw little suggestions out to her, like, "you know, if you pick up your toys, you'll earn a third star". And she prides herself on earning them, she takes it seriously, and she likes to reap the rewards of a "four-star-day".
I hope that any or all of this advice helps you with your daughter. Take care,
K.
I love the "drink of water" story! Brings back memories. Soo, one of my tricks of the trade is to offer children a choice...with my own preference the 2nd choice listed. For some wild/obscure reason, most children choose the last thing listed....not always, but quite frequently.
I also use the phrase, "when you can talk to me in your speaking voice, then I will listen"...to stop the whining.
When the child is backtalking or using hateful words, I place my index finger over my mouth & say, "when you can use nice words, then I will listen. Until then, please sit in the time-out chair."
Sorry, ladies, I'm a fairly strict childcare provider! & with my own children...they were the most challenging!
I think the best book ever for raising kids is, "Dare to Discipline" by James Dobson. I raised four by this book and they are wonderful adults. I received compliments all while they were growing up as to how well behaved they were.
I am glad to see that I am not the only one with this problem. My daughter just turned 5 and she is the same way. I just keep hoping that it will get better as she gets older. I wish you luck and let me know if you find something that works so I can try it. ____@____.com
Sounds like a little rivalry. I suggest some private mom and daughter time. Tell her you two will have a few hours alone and do this with the other as well.
Have a picnic on the coffee table or a the park.
Then explain the importance of her helping to clean up when finished with a project. find a song to sing to while cleaning. The song whistle while you work, or working on the railroad. look up the lyrics and teach them. Good luck.
