Choosing Not to Listen and Follow Simple Instructions

Oh my gosh...you have a 5 yr old! Welcome to this stage of parenthood! :) (I have a 5 yr old too, so I totally understand.)

Yeah, she's 5. You have to micromanage them. If she chooses not to do what you asked of her, then she's punished. Right then and there. Every time she is disobedient like that, her world comes to a screeching halt. Stay on her. She will get better about following directions once she realizes that the punishment is WAY worse than just doing what you asked the first time. I also found that having the kids respond to my request ("Yes, mommy! I'm going to put my pajamas on now.") helps somewhat.

I am not sure if this falls into the strong-willed child category. I'm wondering if this is more about her wanting to get your attention.

What happens when you give her a direction? Are you checking to make sure she's looked up from what she's doing and is focused on what you are saying? Or is she deep in her own thing?

Kids are still learning how to multi-task at this age. This means that if she's concentrating on something else, she can physically *hear* you, but she may not be listening-- her brain is engaged with the activity at hand.

Here are some things to try:
1. Connection, then Direction: Before giving a direction, make sure you have acknowledged what she's doing. Get her attention by noticing what she's doing. When you see she is looking at you, THEN say "well, in two minutes we need to put down your doll and go get your shoes on."

2. Be sure to give a transition notice. Kids do not willingly spring into action without warning. They seem like they are 'just playing', but think about it-- would you want your significant other to walk into the kitchen while you are cooking and then order you to clean the bathroom, now? I use this example just to give some perspective.

3. Once you have done the first two, there are a couple ways to go about things. A. Playful, attentive parenting. "Walk with me.... (walk to coat) here's your coat (hand it to her).... this way (walk to shoes)... it's shoe time!" I do this sometimes with my five year old when he seems distracted or having a hard time concentrating. Lots of fives space out, by the way. It's not uncommon and not always about being stubborn, so keeping it light in tone can often smooth the transition. "Coat race! Are you going to beat me? Can you get your coat on first?" OR B. Logical consequences.

B. Logical consequence: My son was always dilly-dallying when it was time to go outside at preschool. The teachers made a plan with me-- when he wasn't getting his boots on, they would carry them out to the bench and have him put them on out there. Only had to happen a couple times before he decided that putting on his boots indoors was far more preferable to having to put them on out there.

For bedtime, when our son was dragging his feet, we did a couple things to change the habit of procrastination/not attending to task. We had him start putting his pajamas on before he came to the table for dinner. (you can put an apron on them if you are worried about spills). No pjs on, no dinner. We have passed that, but occasionally we have a bit of procrastination, then we just put it back on him... He is supposed to be ready for bed at 7, and then we read to him for 20 minutes. SO-- if he takes forever, he simply loses some of his story time. We are out of his room at 7:20, so there have been a few times we've read to him for 5 or 7 minutes. And then, we are sympathetic: "Wow, yeah, we didn't get much storytime tonight because you were taking a long time to put your pjs on. Bummer, huh?"

4. Another idea, which I call Repeat After Me: have her repeat your direction immediately after you say it. This is to confirm to YOU that she has heard your direction. "It's time to put on your shoes. Now say it with me (together) 'It's time to put on my shoes now.'" This also is fairly effective, and then proceed with logical consequences if need be.

5. One last idea: ask a question. My son gets sucked into Legos in the mornings while I'm taking a shower, and then I need to pull him back out to reality before school. After I've given a direction and he's not responding, I do address it:"If you cannot come with me now, your Legos go away for the rest of the day. Is it more important for you to play for two minutes now, or for an hour later on?" This will get him moving pretty quickly!

Kids are so different-- I hope that one of these ideas will work for you. They all work for me, and I really have to choose which one I want to use depending on time of day, ability to enforce consequence (for example, if I can't send him outside without a coat because it's freezing, I might opt for the playful parenting route), and their mood. Sometimes, they do really want our attention and misbehaving (and getting a reaction from us) is a great way to do it.

For what it's worth-- I get it that some days, this behavior is maddening. My son has had a few times where he missed out on going out with Dad because he wasn't ready when Dad was. Those are now very rare, because he knows that Dad *will* leave without him. Do let her know what the consequence you have decided on will be if she doesn't comply, not as a threat (if you don't do X then I'll do Y) but as a matter of fact: "I'm leaving out the door in five minutes. If your shoes aren't on by then, you will have to do it at school/in the car/wherever" THEN, set a timer for that five minutes and when it dings, just gather up the stuff, get her out the door, and leave.

And be sure you are giving her lots of positive feedback when she's happy doing what she likes to do (when it is not a problem for you) and when she is doing things right. Kids do need a lot of attention and they find the worst ways, sometimes, to see if we are really watching them. Lots of physical gentle touches as a matter of course, tousling hair as you walk by her while she's playing, rubbing her back, a smile across the room. I've tried these methods and unless there is an unidentified need not being met, this usually does turn behavior around-- but only for as long as you practice this attention-giving.

I know it's a lot in a post-- good luck! And as BeenThere suggested, walk her through her day as much as possible. PM me if you want some tangible/visual aids for routines, although I'm not sure this is exactly the problem.

This is considered a bad habit.

The way to correct is to change the way you 2 are communicating.

First of all, we never yell across the house. If something needs to be said, we go to the person and tell them.

You then get down to her level and look her in the eyes.
You then say "Sally, listen to my words, put on your shoes right now and meet me at the front door."
"Sally, Tell me what I just said." She will then tell you.

OR, you could make sure before she gets breakfast, she has her shoes on, before she is allowed to eat. Just send her right back upstairs and say, "Sally, listen to my words, go and put on your shoes right now, then you can have breakfast" Sally, tell me what I just said."

Or you can make it a game. "How fast can you go upstairs and get your shoes on?" Time her and every day see if she can go faster.

Or, have her keep her pair of shoes by the front door and tell her to put on her shoes, they are right next to the front door.

Children can easily be distracted. They really do not all naturally have a sense of time.. and so you need to just be very direct and make sure she has to respond to what direction you give.

Thank her each time she does this the first time you tell her to do. I like how you got your shoes on so fast.

That's not a strong-willed child, that's a typical 5yr old child.

At least I HOPE that's typical, because if not, I've got three super, extra strong-willed children. And so do most parents I know. It's pretty rare to find that 5yr old who immediately obeys every command given by mom or dad. Personally, I've never met a child like that.

Part of parenting is dealing with this kind of behavior and NOT just letting her get away with it by saying "well, she's strong-willed, what can I do?" Perhaps some sort of behavior chart might motivate her to comply. Or positive reinforcement...or negative reinforcement. You have to find what works for *your* daughter and use that. But realizing that the behavior (even though it's normal) needs improvement is certainly the a step in the right direction.

I hope you find the method that works with your daughter.

if she has the attitude that she "doesn't care and will do whatever she wants" it's because she's been allowed to. maybe not entirely- but to the degree you're talking about, i am thinking the best bet is to get a kitchen timer. when you tell her to, say, put on her pajamas - give her 5 minutes to do it. if she isn't done in 5 minutes, time out. then she goes back and finishes the job with you standing over her. that works for my son. he has adhd and is VERY easily distracted - but he doesn't intentionally disobey. so when the timer is going, it really gets him moving. some little ones just find it harder to focus than others. it's probably somewhat just normal short-attention-span 5 year old stuff.

My 6 year old is like that. I find I can't just give him a command and walk away. If I want him to put his shoes and coat on I pretty much have to stand over him to make sure it happens. Get yourself ready first and then be available to remind her and dole out discipline when she really drags her heels about it.

Try making it into a game? If you're leaving the house you can say "I bet I can get my coat on faster than you!"

If you need her to put her PJs on, you can say "Let's see who's faster, you getting your PJs on or me clearing the kitchen table."

We found that giving a reward after helped. When my daughter didn't want to get ready for bed, we told her that she had 15 minutes until bedtime. If she got ready quick, she could watch TV/play a game/get a bedtime story. If she didn't get ready quick, then she would have to go straight to bed.

I quickly learned to make her do work first, then play so that the playtime was the reward.

Getting ready to go somewhere was always a struggle. I finally realized that *I* wanted to go somewhere, but *she* didn't necessarily want or need to go. Like grocery shopping or running errands. She really just got dragged everywhere--no wonder she didn't want to get ready! So I learned to keep rewards in the car (I used Tic Tacs for a while) which she would receive if she got ready to go quickly. Some might call it bribery, but I realized that a child really doesn't have much choice in things, so forcing them to do things your way ALL DAY LONG means that they can get frustrated. What if someone dragged you everywhere they went, and you had NO SAY? I'd want some Tic Tacs too! LOL!

I'm happy to say that my 11 year old doesn't need Tic Tacs to get ready quickly anymore.

Also, we used The House Fairy. You can look her up online. She's Santa's Sister and she will visit your child's room when they are not there and she will leave a surprise if the room is clean, and fairy dust if it's messy. OMG, that worked for SO MANY YEARS! My daughter would pick up her room so that she could receive a surprise from the House Fairy (usually stuff from the dollar aisle at Target--hair rubber bands, small toys, once the HF brought a new toothbrush!) Sometimes it worked to get her to get ready and get to bed because the House Fairy might visit while she's sleeping. Or get ready to go because the House Fairy might visit while she's gone. The HF only came 1-2 times per week, but it was very worth it. My Daughter loved the magic of it, and was kind of sad when the HF stopped coming :(

Good Luck!

Two reasons why they do this:
1) short attention span
2) saw something fun along the way to do

Be sure you give her short instructions (3-5 words only).
For example, "Get your shoes in your room"
Then do a follow up.
Reason being, She has to go all the way upstairs & will get sidetracked.

Anyone that has or had a 5 year old has dealt with this. From what you wrote here I am not sure I see your daughter as "strong-willed", I see her as a 5-year-old. I think you need to give her consequences for not listening the first time, and let her know what they will be upfront.
"Sally, go put your shoes on, if I have to tell you again you will lose _____," or will have a time-out, or whatever you know will have an impact on her.
I have heard great things about the parenting book 1-2-3-Magic, maybe worth looking into, there are many other methods out there to explore if that one does not work for you. Whatever method you settle on, it is vital that you be consistent in your expectations and follow-up with consequences. You may need to start allowing for extra time when you are trying to get out the door in order to ensure she has the time she needs to get the task done and you have the time to enforce it.
It is good that you are addressing this now, it only gets harder the longer you let them go without consequences for not obeying. Best of luck!

Very normal behavior.....

Are you giving her consequences for NOT following your instructions?

At this point, she would rather do what SHE wants than to follow your instructions... she doesn't see the importance of following your instructions.

Consequences (losing a privilege or favorite activity/toy) or rewards (star on the chart every time she does "X" the FIRST time you ask, and the stars add up to a BIG reward) will soon teach her that it is better to do what is asked the first time, instead of waiting until you get mad.

See the question below yours, my daughter, the bully.

5 year olds dawadle. They are on their own time table. She doesnt sound strong willed, she sounds normal. Thank your lucky stars!

Your statements are too general and without consequences, they are just empty words. Give her a clock and guidelines and you will set yourself up for success for a long time. She needs one in the bathroom too. Walk her through the morning paying attention to the clock. You need to get up by this time- say 6:30. You need to have clothes picked out the night before and put them on by this time - 6:15, including socks and shoes. You eat breakfast by 6:25.you brush your teeth, wash your face and comb your hair by the clock in the bathroom. Done by 6:40- you can ------ play something or watch a cartoon or whatever she likes till you get ready or she can have a treat after school. Do this for a week. One day at a time. Build in 15 extra mins for mistakes or forgotten homework. Have all backpacks, lunches, extras by the door. Time spent teaching is never time wasted. Figure out the time you need to get up by her attitude out the door. Is she frazzled? You need to get her up earlier. Is she happy? That's just right.

Set a bedtime routine that you can both live with. TALK LESS. DO MORE.

I go through the very same thing with my 6 year old daughter. I tell her to put on her shoes and she's playing with the cat. I ask her to get dressed and she immediately jumps into bed and starts fooling around. She even has the audacity to laugh at me. Very frustrating to say the least especially when we have to go someplace (work/school). So when I was at my wits end, I created a reward chart (for the mornings...hoping the rest would fall into place). She gets a sticker for every time she gets up, gets dressed etc., all by herself (with little or no coaching from me) she gets a sticker. 10 in a row gets her something of her choice (it's been dvd's that she's worked for) but it could be picking where we go to dinner one night or going to the movies etc. The first 10, I wasn't too strict because I wanted her to get the idea. The second 10, I've been strict and she's had to start over a few times but we are almost there. Sometimes she will even say to me, "no star today right mom?" So she's getting it and although our mornings are not without minor incident...they are much better!! Good luck

I say my child's name and make sure they are looking at me. I give direction, not more than two items to be done at one time (go get your shoes and put them on...or go get your coat and bring it to me...), THEN I ask, what did I just say? I have them repeat it back to me. Then I sometimes use "Ready, set...go" like in a race, or they just head off to do it...

But I have to follow up and if they are not following directions there needs to be a consequence...mine right now are super easy as they have to earn their tv in 5 minute increments (I use poker chips). If they make their bed they get ten minutes, if they leave for school and I make their bed I take ten minites out of their time. If they go brush their teeth great (they don't get time for that) but if I have to walk them to the bathroom and watch them do it, I get five minutes of their time becasue it took five minutes I could have been doing something else.

You just have to find a currancy that works for them...I have an 8 and 5 year old...and the five year old understands the basics of time and earning tv and losing tv time.

Good luck!!

Here is the great site for you:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/A...

Simple for you Mama, who has lots of experience. She's still learning.

Hand over hand, and gently lead her where you want to go. In about a month, she'll attain what YOU want her to do when you use certain words.
My son is 5. He's got it. He just doesn't like to be told an hour in advance : hey make sure you get ready to go.
He gets his coat and shoes on the instant his baby brother is in a jacket and I'm in the doorway.
Try packing the car while she gets her coat on. You might be giving her brain fog. : )

hugs, good luck, and blessings on your little one still being in the realm of baby hood!
M.

S.,
5 year olds definitely need to be coached. If you want her to learn to get her coat and shoes by herself you need to break it down into steps and help her with it. You can slowly back off and she will eventually be able to do it on her own. Lots of praise for doing it right, or even trying, will boost her confidence and help her learn faster. If, after you coach her for a while, several days to several weeks, depending on your child, she still doesn't get it, you might want to speak to your pediatrician about your concerns. 5 year olds are distractable by nature, but if she is more distractable than "normal" you will have other options to teach her to focus and follow through.
Good luck,
R.