My sister asked me two weeks ago, if we would let her stay with us for a week if she watched our two year old son. After, bugging my husband to let this happen, he said yes, so I told her we could do that, with the idea it would only be one week. Now she is thinking the place is hers and she will not leave. She has been applying for jobs using our address, and other social services. I heard her even complaining to my other sister that we went into their place with out asking. My husband wants them gone. HOw can I nicely tell them to get out with out hurting their feelings.
Just to let you know a little bit about the situation, We own a duplex, so it does have one apartment in it, that is where they have been staying. My husband is currently remodeling the unit we are in, so we dedcided we wouldn't rent out the other unit until it is all finshed, so occasionally if he creats to much dust we could stay there. Our 2 year old son is currently in day care, and we are only allowed to take him out of it for 5 days a year, which we used when they showed up. Now he is back in day care.
I'd ask my mom for advice ;)
but you could also just talk to her about how money is getting tight and while it's been nice to have them close, you just can't afford to have them in it for free any more and need to get some paying renters in by the end of the month.
Get out.
Who all is living there? Just sis or her & somebody else (you said her, then their). It's YOUR house, but if she's in there I'd give her a courtesy call first in case she's "occupied" or something. That's just for common courtesy though.
If you were saving that house for you to stay in if need be, I'd move in there too for a while.
If the deal was a week, let her know that her week's up & you let her stay a bit longer to be nice. But now that she's using the address as hers for jobs & such, if she'd like to continue staying there, you'll be expecting rent like you would from any other tenant. Or, If you're wanting to be nicer than that, explain that you were saving that house for yourselves while hubby remodeled your side. She can stay until your side is remodeled, but then she's got to sign a rental contract like any other tenant, or find a new place. But hubby wants her gone & you've got to take that into consideration. See if hubby is willing to let her go til the remodel is done. If not, the date he wants her gone by, is the date you give her to get out or pay rent.
I'd be afraid that a week would stretch into "a couple", which would stretch into "maybe a month or so" which will just keep extending. Give her a date (or "when it's remodeled") to decide by.
It's going to be hard but your going to have to do some tuff love. Feelings are going to get hurt and you need to be prepared but it is a matter of how much they are hurt. Let them know that you all need to sit down and talk. Have your husband there for support and help with the direction of the conversation. Ask them what their plans are. Your trying to plan your life and it's hard to do if you don't know what they are doing. Maybe even give them a time frame that they need to be out so you can move on with your life. Come up with a plan with your husband and work together.
Good luck,
A.
Hi G. - your sister is important and yet boundaries are important too. I wonder if she thinks she is "paying her way" by watching your son.
I wouldnt stress about her giving your address for applications or services - what address would she use?
I would recommend though that you have a conversation with her along the lines of "it's been a couple of weeks, how are things going? Are you making progress toward finding your own place?" if she says no, then simply remind her that you just arent able to make this into a long term situation and ask her how much longer she needs. Also explain to her that your husband wants to market the apt. on a certain date and that they will need to be moved out so that you can show the apartment. Encourage her to be on the lookout for another temporary solution if they arent able to have their own place yet. Also encourage your other sister to support you in this.
Ugh...I can so appreciate how you feel. I made the choice to have my sister live with me not even three weeks after I had moved into a brand new house, along with her dog and cat, who promptly began staining the carpets...did I mention it was a brand new house that I had just moved into???
At any rate...this is a clear cut display that you need to teach her how to treat you. If you've followed through on your commitment, then you really have nothing further to commit to. It will be a simple as asking her exactly how much longer she intended to reside and how you can help her get back on her feet an on her way. Hopefully she's a reasonable person and will understand that she's overstepped her boundary...but if not, it's totally ok to be the bad cop and put her out or have her start paying rent.
Not knowing the full situation...it's really hard to know what to advise, but you've got a family and a husband to account for...and if they're not happy, well, you owe it to them to make it better. As for feelings being hurt, I'm sure you would agree that she really should be the one concerned for taking advantage of the situation.
My Best...
Sometimes being direct is the only route and although her feelings might be a bit hurt, you have to remember that your feelings are being hurt right now and it would be sad to ruin a relationship by not being honest with each other. That being said, you should just approach it from a personal and feelings standpoint. Instead of saying "you are invading my home and this is not what we agreed to", turn it around to "I am starting to feel taken advantage of and was hoping you could help me understand your plan going forward so both of us can feel comfortable." My guess is she will get what you are saying and get a bit defensive but keep it from the "I" standpoint, meaning, do not say "You" or "You said" say, "I understood it to be" or "I thought". Sometimes that can keep it from getting elevated. Leave the he said, she said stuff, like what she said to your sister, that will just plain get you and your other sister in trouble. Bottom line, stay focused on what you want the final outcome to be. You may have to end the conversation with "As a family, we need to have that space available to us when we need it, I am happy to give you 2 weeks to find other living arrangements." You can give or take the time frame of course. You always have to option to charge them rent but it sounds like they are just too close and the relationship would be stronger with a bit more distance. (also a good thing to say to her).
Another thought, say "I love you and cherish our relationship but feel like living this close to each other is damaging our relationship and I do not want that to happen." Simple and easy.
Good luck, it is touchy.
From what you write, I'm not sure who has moved in besides your sister. At any rate, the confusion is the kind that so often happens in families. You think she is living in your unit as a temporary guest. She thinks it is a business arrangement - lodging in trade for child care!
It would be helpful if you and your husband have definite plans, complete with time line, for the unit she's living in. But I don't know any way you can "evict" her (that may well be her take on it) and not hurt her feelings. She may get angry no matter how you try to do it.
But you (hopefully you both!) need to make it clear that you meant your invitation to be only for a few days, that you have other plans for your house, and that she will have to find a permanent place to stay elsewhere. Give a date by which she must remove herself. Expect a reaction!
In addition, keep in mind that if you were not absolutely clear in the first place - which, again, easily happens when you're trying to be kind to a relative - then you will have to apologize for misleading her.
Before you give her the boot, I'd suggest having a candid conversation with her and let her know some boundaries (without sounding like her mom). Also, I'd try to get her to set a goal for herself for finding her own place. If she's looking for a job in order to get her own place, and is making the effort, I'd give it time - the market really stinks. But, it is your house, and she needs to know you need your space. If she has a complaint, she needs to bring it to YOU. Good luck on this - I'm sure it's touchy.
Along with what Anne said, you need to give her a date to be out by, reminding her that this was only supposed to be for a week.You might want to firmly state that it is not working for her to remain long-term and was not part of the original agreement. I know you don't want to hurt feelings, but I think you will have to draw a hard line with her! She will be angry, no doubt. But you will have peace back in your home. She will probably get over it, but if not, that is her issue! You do not owe this woman a place to live, sister or not! And please remember, trying to keep peace with her IS robbing your family of peace. They should be your 1st priority! I know it's not easy- but it is necessary! Good luck!
You could offer to help her pack. She needs to go and soon, offering to help her pack might help but it sounds more like changing the locks will be necessary. You are obviously being taken advange of, and it has to be stopped before they think that they can kick you out.
Families are sometimes like that, they just assume that you want to give to them and take as if it was offered. I think everyone I know has been through it and hates it but doesn't know how to handle it. (Personally I use a PO box and don't give people my real address unless I actually want them to come to the house, and that includes my grown kids who might tell their dad.)
