What to Say to Friend or Family When They Ask, "Do You Think My Child Is a Brat?

I agree with Stephanie, Susan, Wendy, and especially, Mariel

If it were me, I would answer the question straight - "YES"

and then laugh, because humor is the best way to approach this kind of touchy situation. If the climate is good, continue into the topic for real, but if you get the "ice", then back off. They are eitehr going to be open to reconsidering their bad parenting, or they are not.

Ask them if they really want to hear the answer to that question, then answer truthfully. They may not like it, but it's better to tell them straight up than lie.

I have learned in life that people have their own awakenings when they are ready to face themselves, not when we are telling them our own opinions.
I say don't tell her. Your words will just be more words.
If she wanted answers to her questions, she would ask herself.
As a new mother , I have found endless resourses to hard questions. Your friend can find the answers with out placing you in the position to judge her parenting style.

To be honest, it depends on how close of a friend he, or she is. Me, I. the type of friend that is going to tell you the truth no matter what. I look at is this way, what type of friend would I be, if I lied to people. I tell my friends, I would rather you hurt my feelings, then lie to me. So, if that works for you, then you should tell them. It's nothing wrong with pointing out things, without going overboard.

Um well seems like MANY people are complaining about it, to them. So they are aware.

If it were my friend, well, I would tell her. But this is my GOOD friend, whom I know like the back of my hand and have known for years. But I would talk about it, in a non-confrontational way. Or give them some books about parenting.

As you know, it not good to be a parent and act like a "best friend." You are a parent, and a child needs to know that. First.

All the best,
Susan

Very interesting question. My kids are 9 and 5 and for yrs I was too permissive and didn't realize it. Seriously. I know that sounds nuts, but what typically happens (according to Aletha Solter of Santa Barbara (I attended her FREE eye opening workshops)
http://www.awareparenting.com/

is that parents who were raised very authoritarian (me) tend to go the other end of the extreme spectrum (permissive) to avoid the hell of that. What parents don't realize when they do this, is they are causing a whole other set of problems with their children.

I think you should listen intently when they complain and when they ASK, then answer (like someone said below) do you really want my honest answer? Would you like some suggestions from me? (some people don't want unsolicited advice, so ask).

Of if they complain and don't ask for advice, ask them, "would you like some suggestions?"

If they answer yes, then be sure to lay it on (GOOD advice, good heartfelt guidance) not lay on all YOUR frustration with how difficult you find it to hang with them b/c of how hands off they are.

I am a very open person and I would have LOVED guidance back then. Good guidance is not the same as any excuse to dump on and criticize a person.

Some helpful links I found, this one was eye opening:
http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html

Aletha Solter had an AMAZING handout that outlines the 4 parenting styles, how the parent acts, how the kids act and what it results in each child. Pretty shocking. I can't find it online. That was eye-opening too. Maybe if you contact her she can mail you a copy of her hand out.

Barbara Coloroso's book KIDS ARE WORTH IT
describes 3 types of parents: brick wall (authoritarian), jellyfish (permissive) and backbone (authoritative) - best, most balanced parent
http://www.kidsareworthit.com/

That's a very helpful book. It breaks the issues down very nicely. ALL her books are great.

Some of your friends will get on the ball and recognize the problem and work on it.

Others won't. Others will find resources (and twist the meaning) to make excuses for their kids. I heard of a friends friend who read YOUR SPIRITED CHILD by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/
(an excellent book) and just said "oh my child is just spirited". Yes and no. And Kurcinka's awesome book (helped me to understand myself, my kids, other people, other children ) is not a defense for kids who are "out of bounds".

I couldn't have phrased it better. If they ask, give an answer very close to the sample answer you provided. If they don't ask, only step in if you have to, and speak straight to the child - "Hey, Jimmy, you spilled soda on my lap - how about saying 'sorry' and getting me some paper towels?"

My Baba (that is my ukranian grandmother) always says, "if you always tell the truth, you will never have to remember what you say."

Words to live by, for everything.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

First off I would like to state that there is nothing wrong with being friends with your child if executed in an appropriate and responsible manner. You can have the best of both worlds as long as you balance the friendship and parenting giving your child a healthy medium of parenting styles. My hubby and I call our children our best friends and we spend time with them and play with them every day, but we certaintly do not let them do whatever they want or get away with rude or inappropriate behavior.

That said I feel that if this friend is asking such a specific question they probably already know what you're going to say. Tell them the truth, do it with tact and be constructive with your criticism, not destructive.

Love is all you need!
Good luck!

Aloha, great question! Flip it back on them... If they are asking "do you think my child is a brat like so and so...?" Simply say, "what do you think?" If they give you the "what do you mean?" say something like "wouldn't that depend on what you think?" and let them answer their own question. I believe they may be asking for various reasons but the 2 major ones that come to my mind are: 1. they want & need a friend to affirm what the family isn't, 'that they are truly good parents', or that they are 'really/honestly questioning there parenting skills.' Both are good: Because if you are a good parent you will do what is good for your child - and that would include helping them be functional in this life etc. the next question would be a cry for help because maybe the kids are truly driving them crazy and they don't know what to do and they are coming to you for help. Above all do not criticize them they sound like they love there kids and are doing the best they can with the knowledge they know - be a friend and guide them -even- help them find resources that will help them parent their kids in a finer sense so the kids could benefit long term into productive adults whom are nuturting, caring, giving, accountable and all those good and fine qualities we all pray that we are doing and helping our kids for long term. After all we all hope one day our kids will call us their "best friends" but we first have to show them what that really means - even if that means telling the truth even if it isn't an easy thing to do - and being a good friend about it means to be as kind and understanding as possilbe to help the other succeed in what ever venture they set out to be. If this person is a friend of yours then be a friend and lend a helping hand or ear.

Best to you, E.

Hi S.,
As a teacher, my experience with many parents is that they wanted to reject the way they were brought up, however they never learned how to replace that parenting with an effective one. Fortunately, there are books that can help us. I would ask her if her parenting style works for her or if she would like to try new skills, then direct her to books like the other parents who have responded. My motto is, "convince a man/woman against their will, you'll have the same opinion still."
Good luck,
Wendy

I feel your pain. I have a few friends that I have had to step back from in terms of playdates because I believe their children are getting away with whatever they want and it is a bad influence on my child. I suggest coffee without the children to keep the friendship going. Luckily, they have never asked my opinion. If they did, I would probably say that I don't use the word brat, but spirited and from experience(my daughter is strong-willed, but she needed to be taught how to behave), that if it isn't correctly directed, his/her future in school will be more difficult because things won't always go their way. That way, I would be address what may happen in the future vs directly criticizing the child.

There was an article in the paper last week talking about being honest with your friends....except about their children unless you are prepared for them never speaking to you again. I had to laugh when I was reading it.

Either way, it's tough on the children who do follow the rules. My daughter is 5 and asked often why do they get to do that. I'm sure one of these days, my daughter will take care of it for me b/c she will say something like "my mom says you make bad choices" when the other child's mom is around. :)

Good luck

N.

Hi S.-
Im not sure what the other recommended, but I was ask what they thought... and if they say something negitive, ask them "How is that working for you?" or How is it going with that formula?" If its not working than change it... there are tons of places to look for help...
Good luck!

Well, I agree with Danielle A. and this was a HARD place to come to because it goes against my personal philosophies of love and caring. Of course real human nature always messes up theories. Anyway a 'relative' of mine has 20+ years elementary school teaching experience and a Masters in Education and her kids are out of control. She said nothing as her daughter leaned in, burped and asked my daughter to smell it, nothing as her son and daughter (both under 5) got into a verbal fight with kids twice their age, ETC., ETC. As I watched her kneel down, look her kids in the eye and use her "positive" discipline stratagies I finally realized it was all about her and her own self image - no matter what her KIDS do she will always respond in a way that leaves HER feeling good. I think it's disingenuous for people to say "had I been told" you were "told" the information is out there and libraries and computer usage (at the library) is free - thank goodness.

Good for you, S., on your parenting philosophy!

If asked this question, I would smile and ask the parent, "Do you really want me to answer that or are you looking for affirmation?" That should let the asker know, kindly, that they'll likely hear something that they won't like or agree with. If you get the brave parent willing to hear your opinion, offer it gently but in a straightforward manner. Make no apologies for your philosophy or opinion. If the asker ceases to be your friend, mourn the loss and move on. You're probably better off without that family in your life because it's just going to get worse.

Good luck!

In my opinion, if they have to ask, then they already know the answer. I know my kids and I know they're not brats. Why on earth would I ask someone else to affirm that for me?

They just want someone to say no and make them feel better that their parenting skills don't suck as back as they know they do. LOL

I would politely say something like "I don't think I would say he/she is a brat, but maybe you should have a little chat with him/her about sharing more or whatever the kids problem is."

That's tough. Honesty is usually the best policy, but people get a little crazy when it comes to their kids. I would turn the question around - "why? Do you think your child is a brat?" I am what many would refer to as a "permissive parent" but I don't allow my child to harm others, or be destructive. It's all relative.

I believe as you do children should behave at home visiting others or in stores. I don't believe that letting children do what they want is good for them. I think that is why our generation is so self serving. To answer your question I would simply remind your friend that although you have different parenting styles neither one is right or wrong it is simply what works for you as a parent. If asked directly if I believe that someone's child is a brat(even if I do think they are) I would say I don't believe that children are brats they simply follow the rules or lack of given by the parents.