My Mom called me last night to tell me that my step-father had brought home divorce papers yesterday afternoon. I'm really sad for my Mom and angry at my step-father for doing this to her and on top of everything else especially at her favorite time of year. They've been married for 18 yrs and this kind of came out ofthe blue. Besides being sad and angry for my Mom, my husband and I are at a loss as to what to tell our 2 daughters who are 5 1/2 and 4 years old. They've always thought of him as "Papa" and loved seeing him and my Mom and they see them a lot since we all live in the same town. My step-father, I guess, is moving to Ohio so the girls won't be seeing him anymore. My Mom has suggested just telling them that he's always working or doing something when they ask about him, but my husband and I don't want to perpetuate a lie because we've never lied to them about things. This is something big and I really need to tell them something soon. Please help so that Christmas won't be ruined for them!!!
I went to the library this past weekend with the kids, I was helping them look for good books and remember seeing a children's on divorce. If I remember correctly, I think it had to do with the grandparents too.
I would suggest being as honest as possible while keeping it age-appropriate. I know from past experience with my own childhood that children, even at the tender ages of 4 & 5 know and understand so much more than we give them credit for. Definitely do not lie to them.
I would tell them that Grandma and Grandpa are not going to be living together any more. Grandpa wants to move somewhere else. This isn't the full truth but it also isn't a lie.
First, I'm so sorry that your mom is going through this, and that you are too. My parents split up--suddenly, it seemed to us kids at the time, though in retrospect there had been a lot leading up to it--almost exactly 3 years ago. Not only was it approaching the holidays, but I was 8 months pregnant when my dad announced he was moving out. My oldest was only 2 at the time, so it may have been easier than with your older ones. He just noticed that "Papa" wasn't at Grandma's house when he went there anymore, and we explained that he had a new house now. He wasn't really aware enough to question it more than that, and now that's "normal" to him (though it's still not easy for me). If it were happening now (he's 5), I would expect to have to explain a lot more, but I think I would still keep it simple. I would explain that Papa and Grandma don't live together anymore because sometimes that happens. Given that this is obviously hard on your mom and that it looks like your kids won't get to see Papa much (or at all) anymore, I might also take the chance to explain that Grandma is feeling very sad about this change, and if your girls feel sad about it, that's okay, because sometimes things happen that make us feel sad. That's about all I would say, but I would be open to answering any questions they have as they come up.
As far as when to tell them, I can see the argument for waiting until after Christmas since the holiday is so close, but only if they're not expecting to see him then. If they're expecting to see him at Christmas and know that something's different, it's not fair to say he's "working" only to give them the truth later. I think that would make them feel sad as well as lied to.
I'm sorry, and I hope things improve for you soon. As someone who went through this recently, I know it's a really hard thing and it takes some time to feel better.
Maybe you don't have to tell them before Christmas. If they would normally see him on Christmas, and now won't, you could just tell them that he went away on a trip (which isn't really a lie). Then, after the holidays, you can sit down and explain to them that he isn't come back to MN to live.
I agree about telling them the truth. I also would like to suggest that you offer to mail letters and pictures that your kids draw to Papa once a week (or once a month or whatever) so they can still feel connected to him. Explain that he may or may not write back. (I didn't read the other responses- sorry if this is a repeat.)
How sad for your Mom, I am sorry she has to go through this.
I agree that you should not lie to your kids about this. But, you should tell them that Gramma doesn't want to talk about it & to ask you the questions. Tell them it will make Gramma sad to talk about it.
This is a hard subject for kids, since it might scare them to think that you will get divorced also. I have struggled with this one also since my parents are divorced & remarried & so are 2 of our sisters. It's hard to say Gramma & Grampa stopped loving each other w/o scaring a kid that you might stop loving them.
I tried to explain the different types of love to my daughter: love for your kids, love for your parents, love for your friends, love for your pets and love for your spouse or significant other. And that all but the love for a friend and the last one are forever.
While you want to protect them, you can't do so with a lie. Divorice is never easy for any of the family and it won't be easy on your children who are close to "papa" so it is important to let them write to him or call him even if he is no longer married to your mom. They will also be insecure about your marriage so when you tell them make sure to reassure them that you and daddy aren't going to divorice, that you love them and that grandma and papa love them even though they aren't going to be married anymore. Also make sure they aren't around while your mom and you discuss how angry you are at your stepfather. They love him and that shouldn't change although it will calm down over the years of not seeing him. Another thing to remember is if your children see your mom sad and crying they will worry so make sure that you tell them that grandma is sad and just needs some extra hugs, don't say "grandma is sad because Papa left", it will just make them wonder who else could leave like that and make grandma or mommy sad. Let them know it is ok to miss papa and let them talk about him and answer any question they have without blame or lies.
Hey S.,
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Tell your children the truth that Papa and Grandma are going to be living in different places from now on because they won't be married anymore. I'm sure they will ask why so tell them that Papa doesn't love Grandma anymore but he still loves you girls but we won't be seeing Papa because he's moving far away.
If they continue with more "why" questions, be honest and tell them that you and Daddy don't know why but that Grandma will still live in the same place and they will still be able to visit her often.
Good luck!
I would tell them the truth, no matter what time of year it is. The cool part about telling them the truth is that you can go on to say why this happens and you can suggest (according to your beliefs on the matter) what they should do when they get older (e.g. talk about love, forgiveness, etc.). Hope that helps.
I'm a big fan of telling the truth to kids, and usually a very simple explanation will suffice. They will ask questions if they are curious. We have to remember that we think about things differently than they do, and "divorce" or even death don't have the same emotional meanings for them, especially at this age. So, you can likely just say that Papa has decided to move away and we're all sad because we won't be able to see him anymore. If they ask why it's perfectly reasonable to say that you don't know. Especially if you don't.
I don't know if he plans to be a part of their lives anymore or not. That would be a decision for you guys to make whether you want him to.
I'm assuming that he's getting a job out there. So you could tell them that "Papa" found a new job out there and is moving but that Grandma wanted to stay here close to you guys. There's no reason that kids that young need to know about the complicated world of adult relationships.
Man that stinks. He must be going through mid-life crisis.
