What Would You Do?? - Spokane,WA

You sound like an amazing family! How awesome that you are willing to do this for them!
I would wait until they can talk to the specialist. Wait and see what he/she has to say, and then make the offer.
Good luck to all of you!

Wait until September. Maybe the hospital will work for her, but give it a chance. That gives her some time to think about it before you're actually ready to do it for her.

I would wait to say something until they have tried this new doctor and start to talk about other ways to have a family. You don't want to seem like you have given up on her carrying her own baby.

I guess I look at this differently than the people who have said to wait. I'd first make sure my husband is totally on board. If he is, I would say something along the lines of "I can't believe how hard this has been on you. I hope the hospital can help but know that if it can't, if you're open to the idea of surrogacy, I would be happy to do it for you." Of course she should explore everything she could to have the baby on her own but having not been in this situation and only envisioning, I expect I'd love to know there's a fall back plan. I would be so grateful and it would take so much pressure off that maybe it would actually help me not miscarry again... If you and she are this close, I'd say it any time you have a quiet moment together. You're great to do this for her.

If you guys are that close, then i would go ahead and approach the subject with her. Ive never been in this situation, but if i was going thru something this terrible, it would probably seem hopeless. So maybe you could give her some hope....Also, if the doc isnt optomistic, then she might decide not to do the hospital and just wait for surrogacy, might save her the time and pain...

I have had a simular issue, I would wait until the conversation comes up again, and then lay it all out on the table, ya know... Joan I do not want to hurt your feeling or anything, but Hubby and I have been talking and after I am done breastfeeding DD If you want me to carry your baby I am hear for you. This allows her time to process the idea and try her body for a while knowing an alternative is there if needed.

I have a friend that had a "REALLY" bad pregnancy and is terrified to get pregnant again; however, Daddy#1 is no longer in the picture (Death) and now is getting remarried and Hubby 2 wants to be a daddy, she wants this for him because he is a TERRIFIC (no word is strong enough) to the child from Daddy#1 and would be a great daddy to child #2, but is so stress, which her body handles badle, so I offered 1 time and only the 1 time, if she wants it she will let me know.

Good luck!

Hi--
I wonder if she's considered going with alternative medicine rather than western medicine? There are lots of reasons she may be miscarrying--a simple hormonal imbalance (having low progesterone) would keep her from being able to carry a pregnancy, and it is relatively easy to treat in a natural manner. That is only one example, but a lot of things can be treated naturally that western medicine does not address. I would recommend her speaking to a naturopath, a chiropractor, a nurse midwife, an acupuncturist, etc. Since I don't live out there, I can't make specific recommendations, but I'm thinking she would like the chance to carry her own child. I have a lot of friends who had trouble getting pregnant and they went through hell with all the hormone shots and drugs. I chose this other route--it worked for me and spared me all the side effects that they experienced. Just a thought. In the meantime, I would wait to speak with her about it until she gives up hope of having her own child. IF she starts speaking about adoption or surrogacy, then offer. Before then you would be crossing her boundaries.
J.

I would wait to see what the specialists say. Then offer it up as an option to those options. It also depends on how heartset she is about experiencing pregnancy, and the baby being their bloodlines. There are two types of surrogate. The one that woud apply here is the type is where it truely is their baby and you are just the host.

Although I also agree with the roads of adoption and fostering. I know several families that adopted because they couldn't have kids of their own end up pregnant afterwards.

M.

I think it's likely that this will be more than one conversation. I wouldn't be surprised if you were turned down at first. Also, be prepared for any response yes, no, or h*ll no. Sometimes our view of a perfect solution is not in line with another's views at all. Please don't take any response personally, and broach the subject very delicately.

I agree with the others who have said that you will know when the conversation is right to suggest this.

I would wait until she has seen the specialist and has "accepted" whatever the response is. If the doctor thinks that there are still more "natural" options, then let them try those before offering the alternative. If the doctor says that it's simply not possible, give her some time to grieve the loss of "what could have been" before suggesting it.

The fact is that you won't be able to be a surrogate for some time, so maybe have this discussion with her (if needed) closer to the possible time.

I am going to start by telling you that homeopathy works. Get a copy of Dr. Barry Rose's book on Homeopathy. It'll be used or available through Amazon.
Go to the section on pregnancy. Have your cousin read each remedy to see if her miscarriages match what he says. A woman about 39 years old was having terrible bad luck holding her second pregnancy. She and her husband called me desperate.
I told them what to get and her husband drove an hour to the only homeopathic pharmacy in our area. The remedy worked as recommended. They had a second girl. She is now in the fourth grade.
Barry Rose is a brilliant British homeopath. Do not buy some other person's book. In 25 years of using his methods for a great number of conditions we've seen excellent results.
She has to be pregnant to take the homeopathic. It only works in the real situation.
I am not an amateur.

Do NOT do this. It's fraught with all kinds of problems, legal, ethical, etc. As much as you'd love to help her, as I wanted to do for my best friend years ago - there are too many emotional issues with this. There are babys available for adoption - who need parents, a loving environment, etc. They can start up a precious little family without your help - as much as your heart breaks for them.

If you need an example of what could go wrong read about Abraham, Sarah & Hagar in the Old Testament - then check out current events.

I think it'd be better to wait until they've exhausted all means to try and conceive.

Please don't be offended if I and others suggest adoption instead. There are lots of kids that need parents just as there are couples that want kids. Of course you know her best. You'd know if they'd be okay with adoption or not. Best wishes to all of you.

I had three miscarriages before I had my baby, but they were all in the first trimester. I personally would feel really touched to have a friend who told me that they were willing to do that for me. I'm the kind of person who likes to have options though. Knowing that their is a back up plan would take a lot of pressure off.

I agree with Victoria. As someone who had trouble conceiving (it took us 12 years), we went through artificial insemination and IVF and explored adoption. I wanted to do everything I could to do to have a baby "on our own". I would wait until you know whether the hospital can help her and then talk to her about your offer.

I would wait to discuss it with her until after she goes to the specialist she has been referred to. Quite possibly they will tell her that she needs to find a surrogate and, low and behold, there you are!
I think it;'s a beautiful thing you are offerning but I hope the hospital can help your sister!

I agree with Lorie B. Tell them now, let them try a couple times, if that fails then they can start with what they have to do in order for you to be able to surrogate.

I think it depends on ow much she wants to have her baby by her own and how sensitive she is about this. Have she ever had say anything about other options? Perhaps wait for her to say something about being ready to other options.
I really think that is very kind, admirable and ....I can't remember the word but is the "opposite" of selfish, (non-selfish?) of you and your husband, thumbs up for both of you!

I would just let her know that if she would ever desire it, you would love to be there for her in that way, and then leave it to her at that point.

That is really kind of you Lesley. Before you say anything to her, make sure 100% that your husband is on board and the two of you are positive you want to do it. I would wait until the end of the summer, around August/September, if you still want to do it, then you should say something to her. That way, you are still 100% sure in your decision, plus, you've let her know you are breastfeeding until December, so she can plan if she wants to or not go that route.
God Bless, and I do hope the women's hospital works!

You know her better then we do so you will know better when the time is right to broach the subject. If you two are talking and brings the subject up and just feels sad or disappointed about the whole processes. Smile and say something like 'have you checked out surrogates?'. Gage her response. She may really need that feeling of a baby growing inside her or she may think it's to complicated or expensive. Don't offer just see how she feels about it. She may never have thought of that as a solution.
Blessings to both of you.

Wow, you are an amazing person! I am not sure I could do that for anyone because of the bond that I form, but you are so amazing!! I would offer it whenever the time is right. There is normally a right time for something to come up, so whenever it feels good, do it :). Again, WOW! What an amazing woman you are!

I wouldn't wait for a specific time, but rather when the time in right in a conversation. That maybe tomorrow or July or December you never know. The perfect moment will spring up and I would do it then.

i vote for mention it now, only if you know 100% you can follow through, maybe a nice heart warming email, i don';t see how someone would get offended that you're willing to help bring their child inot this world

I'd wait til she brings it up again.

My sister has also had major trouble with pregnancy and I have toyed with the idea of surrogacy (but I'm not sure I could do it). I try not to bring up the subject of babies unless she does, and at one point I flat-out asked her if all the pictures of my DD were okay or if she'd like me to back off. Just keep talking when she needs it. You're a good friend and cousin.

First I would like to say that I think you are an angel on earth to be so selfless as to offer to help her like this!!!!!! I say pray about it, and then just do what your heart tells you too. I, personally, would offer now!

I would tread lightly......you are walking on thin ice......

What a wonderful gift! I would research this a little more before you tell her. You may already have but I'm thinking there may be medical tests you need to have first (again I'm just guessing). That way some of the "leg" work is done first. Also, my sister inlaws had this type of situation. One was a surrogate for the other, then couldn't have children herself when she was older. I don't know all the details but there are emotional issues that come up even with the best of intentions. It may not be a bad idea to see if there are Marriage Family Therapists who specialize in this or one that you can talk to JUST so you know as much as you can as to what you are in for. Such an exciting awesome thing! Just trying to think of things that will help you on your journey!

I'm not sure about the surrogacy thing but I know someone who did the same thing. Finally a specialist found that she had a septum, not sure of spelling, in her uterus. It was a wall within the uterus and the babies attached to the wall of the septum instead of the uterus and she miscarried over and over. They did laproscopic surgery to remove the wall and within a few months, she was pregnant and carried to term. Please tell her about this. I think the only way they found it was with exploratory surgery.

wait and see what the hospital says wait till the end of the year

I think it's great that you are willing to do that for your cousin. I know I don't have that kind of strength. I wouldn't approach the subject without her starting the conversation. But when she starts talking about different methods to having a baby (adoption, etc), maybe you can ask if she thought about surrogacy and gauge her reaction before you offer. I didn't have friends that had trouble staying pregnant, but I did have friends that had trouble getting pregnant, and they all wanted to exhaust all possible means of having a baby on their own before exploring other options. At the very least, I would wait and see what the hospital has to say.

i'm sorry i can't help with the surrogacy question but i wanted to relate that thyroid problems as well as celiac disease can cause miscarriages.

Do it when you feel good about it during conversation with her (you two alone)...you'll "know" when it's the right time to offer. Good luck!

I haven't read all the other responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating advice. Also, I have never suffered a miscarriage or infertility, so understand that I don't have a personal perspective. What I do have are several friends that have had miscarriages (or multiple miscarriages) a friend who lost a full term baby and a relative that has 1 child after 10 years of infertility and hasn't been able to conceive a 2nd child. And what I've been surprised by is how receptive people have been when I check-in or offer to talk.
I think you should offer to be her surrogate, but not as a way to swoop in and offer to have their child for them. I think you should first say that you know they must be in a lot of pain and grief, you feel awkward or helpless (or whatever you feel) about their situation, you want to know if there's anything you can do and, finally, if it came to that you would be more than willing to be a surrogate for them. Recognize that she probably wants to have the experience of carrying and birthing her own baby, but it might mean a lot to know that you care, you're thinking of them, and that you would do this huge favor, even if they never take you up on it.

Really admire you for wanting to do this for your friend. She is indeed lucky!

I am sorry she is going through all this. This is very tricky. Is she a overly sensitive person? Her situation might have made her very sensitive to baby related stuff.I can't guess when would be the right time to offer but this is what I feel. It all depends on the person she is and how she will take it.

1. You can offer now. You can bring up the subject on what she plans on next if she is not able to have a baby on her own. She might reply back with adoption etc and then you can offer to do it for her.Since she is your dear friend , she will understand where you are coming from and will be very thankful to you. If it turns out she can't have baby on her own , knowing that her friend will be her surrogate is all the strength she would need.

2. She is trying so hard means she wants to have a baby on her own. So you offering to be a surrogate now might not go well with her.She will still be thankful to you, but you know sometimes women can feel like a failure and who knows what emotional state she is in after 6 miscarriages.You offering now may come out like telling her - oh I know I can have a baby for sure and I will help you since it looks like you wont be able to.

3. Wait until she knows for sure if she can have a baby or not. Then offer at a time when they are actually considering other ways to have a baby.

I would tell her now... I would say that if you guys find out that you wont be able to conceive on your own I want you to consider the option of me being a surrogate... that way they have time to discuss the possiblity and to process it, and if they find out they can't conceive on there own maybe it wont be as bad of a devastation since they have another option.

How lucky she is to have family like you:)

I would offer now, so they have time to consider every option. What a wonderful thing of you to do for them! I hope all works out in the end.

OK, I've only read a few of your responses, but I got so annoyed I had to stop there. You clearly asked not why is your cousin having miscarraiges, and not SHOULD you offer, but very plainly WHEN should you offer, correct?

I would wait until after they've done some more research with the women's hospital that they're preparing to go to, especially since you're not prepared to move forward with this right now anyway. If they're still having trouble conceiving, say, in the fall, bring it up then. They may go for it, they may not, but at that point you'll be making a valid offer which is completely selfless in ever way as I see it.

Best of luck to you & your family!

Before you say anything I would wait to see what the specialist has to say to her. Also, make sure that you and DH are clearly onboard because being a surrogate while a selfless act is difficult. You will have to take hormones and go through the IVF procedure etc....Think of how this will impact your three kids too! That's great you are so generous in you thinking. I do pray that things work out for her and your family

I'd let her exhaust her medical options first.

I would wait until they've tried at least 6 months with the new clinic. If still unsuccessful - say you will offer to be a surrogate in 2012.