What Would You Do? - Gypsum,CO

Hmmmm...tough call. Texts are hard to interpret tone, intention, etc.

My only thought was that with friends, usually they don't place "conditions" on the friendship.

What was so bad? A little whining? A meltdown? That happens to all kids sometimes. I think you need to have a plan to address it.

If I were you, I wouldn't go if I was going to have a feeling of my kids having to "prove" themselves to anyone!

I wouldn't stay at their house since you are stressed out about behavior. I don't think it is realistic to expect kids to be good all of the time especially if you are stressed out. Can you visit them and stay at a hotel?

Good grief! 4 adults, 5 kids, and 5 dogs in one house for the weekend, and there was a commotion? How could this happen? Seriously, how could it NOT!? You over-reacted to something someone said, then your kids picked up on it, and there was a meltdown. I'm amazed it doesn't happen every weekend! Sounds like a high stress situation on a good day, then throw in winter weather that keeps everyone indoors, 5 dogs, and Kaboom! Maybe if you change the activities or the sleeping arrangements, you can all get together and have a good time, but honestly, it sounds like it's a wonder nothing liike this happened before. Your friend was insensitive, but you all have unreasonable expectations about throwing both families together in close quarters for a rolicking good weekend. Things are bound to happen.

Wow, I would be furious if a friend told me "if your kid is bad, I don't want them around. But if they are good, they are welcome here". Ummm, a friend would never say that. I have friends that have kids, and their kids are ALWAYS welcome. Weather they behave or not. All kids have a rough time sometimes. Friends understand that.

You are going to be on edge the whole time hoping your kids don't "act up". If I were you, I would pass on this weekend. Maybe the situation needs to cool down some more before you all attempt to get together.

If someone could not tolerate my child(ren), I would not want to be their friend anymore. Just my opinion. I surround myself with friends that are understanding and we ALL accept each others kids...good, bad or ugly LOL. Good luck!

If it were me, I would be pretty upset. Are your friend's kids always on perfect behavior? It seems to me that if she has kids she would be more understanding that kids have off days just like any adult might. I would feel like its an unfair expectation to put on your kids that they are only welcome when they are being good. They should be welcome by your friends all the time regardless. They sound like they are normally well behaved, one bad weekend and your friend is reacting like this? Lame, in my opinion. I wouldn't go.

Hello, looking for friends, only people with perfect kids need apply. I mean really? Feel free to stay with us if your kids don't misbehave? Really? Not my idea of a friend.

Do your best not to blame your friend and let it all go. Don't let this hurt your relationship. That said, I do understand that you would feel a little hurt.

However, there is no way you can promise your kids will behave. Nobody can. If someone starts coming down with a cold they will be whiney for example. Some things you can't control and I hate to see you set up your kids, and you, for failure. ... a vicious cycle of you being on your guard, jumping on your kids and the reacting.

I would call your friend and tell her you love her, but you can't make that promise and think it best you don't stay together. Possibly you can compromise.......can you meet 1/2 somewhere just for the day?

I think you are reading too much into it, but I can certainly see why you are upset and I think you have reason to be to a small degree.

I get what she is saying, and I get what you are saying. You will never be able to guarantee that your kids will be on the best behavior, so you feel like you will be walking on eggshells while there and a little paranoid about their behavior, which could set things off. She can't guarantee that about her kids either though.

Meshing two families with kids and with 5 dogs is ALWAYS going to have elements of stress. Call her up, talk it over remain lighthearted. Time will help, but don't blame yourself or your kids. She probably realizes that sometimes people have 'off' days.

But really, if she is going to forget all of the wonderful times, and put her energy on focusing on the one bad time, then maybe ya'll should stay in a hotel next time you get together.

It sounds like your friend is stressed about the weekend too. She can still love you and your kids while feeling like the amount togetherness is not as great as it once was. It sounds like it is a lot of people and pets under one roof for once or twice a month to me. I don't know your situation, but I would probably lessen my visits and stay in a hotel. This way, you can be together, but with your own space. I think resentment will build if you continue to stay there and feel like your family must walk on eggshells. Especially if her kids act up. I don't think you're reading too much into it, she told you she doesn't want your kids in her home if they act out. I would feel hurt, but I wouldn't want it to blow out of proportion. In other words, I would try to find ways to maintain the friendship while doing things a little differently.

Kimberely, I think I would feel the exact same way. I can't ever guarantee what my children's behavior will be like. Of course we all raise our kids to the best of our ability, and I try to make mine respectful and polite and well-behaved. But seriously, how many of our kids have never had an off-day or weekend or week or month? lol, I wouldn't stay with them. Not now, not ever again. I agree w/ MandA, get a hotel room and let that speak for itself. Any realistic and logical person, especially another parent, doesn't truly think you can promise that your kids will be perfect angels. I know my kids can be monsters sometimes, just like my friends' kids and every other child I ever known. I would never have my kids stay there again if one of my friends sent me that text, but I'm really sensitive to stuff like that.

Best of luck, I hope the situation gets better!
J.

Since you're so close, I don't think you should punish her for being honest with you.
That said, I think I'd just get a hotel room and not worry about it. With the way things have been prefaced, you're *already* upset, and your girls are going to pick up on it when you're there. Don't set everything up for failure.

Appareciate your friend's honesty and make other arrangements for accomodations. Then just enjoy each other's company without the drama.

Sounds like you're pretty close with this woman so give her a call and feel things out. Sometimes the tone of a text message can be misinterpreted or maybe she didn't phrase things the way she intended. I know that I've had some miscommunications via text message even with my own husband like if I was distracted by the kids and didn't finish my thought. I would just call her. If she's being serious about not wanting your children there if they won't behave, then consider staying in a hotel next time. Obviously, there is no way to 'guarantee' the way your children will act-- she's a mother too so you'd think she'd understand that! Sheesh! Staying in a hotel might end up being less stressful for all involved and then your kids can act the way they're comfortable and you can deal with any problems privately. Best of luck!

The problem with text messaging is that sometimes you try to say a lot in a few words. If she is comfortable enough to say that, I hope you are comfortable enough to ask for clarification, preferably over the phone or when you see her. Go into the conversation with an open mind and try not to get offended or angry if she says something you don't like; kids' behavior is not the easiest thing to talk about.

Hope it turns out well!

I think you're hurt because ideally friends accept and welcome our kids, not simply tolerate them, and maybe if they are usually good it seems a bit extreme to respond with such a firm altematum. No one responds well to altematums, even when the intention behind them is maybe good.

You are the mama so have confidence in your ability to redirect them and care for them. What others think isn't your problem. What you think about yourself and children is what matters most. I'm not saying to discard useful input from good friends...just not allow that feedback to spark fear and insecurity. Good friends accept our fine and not so fine moments. Give your friend the benefit of doubt she can live up to your expectation of acceptance and if she doesn't, address that if it happens.

I guess I find it strange for adults to start kid drama? Be the grown up and recognize your kids are kids and you have tools to help them if they become cranky or can leave. Either way, adults know better than kids so expecting your adult friends to be accepting of your kids is very ok! If they aren't 'kid' people, maybe limit visits to be shorter?

Good luck!

Do you think she might have been kidding? It's sometimes hard to tell tone in texting. C.

I am sure this is an emotional reaction to the statement your friend made, but personally, I'd be pissed. There is no way I could go to her house, all happy-go-lucky, and feel comfortable at all, knowing that my childrens' behavior is being scrutinized to the extent that if they aren't perfect angels, they are not welcome.

Kids are kids, not robots. We cannot predict how they will behave 100% of the time. If their behavior was never an issue before, I can't fathom why your friend would make such a comment based one visit. If your kids frequently have behavior problems at the friend's house, then I could understand, but your friend stated that they are typically well behaved. So I don't get it. I'd have a serious issue with going back there to stay.

As I said, I know this may not be the "high road" approach to your situation, but I am speaking honestly. If it were me, I'd be really offended. I would tell my friend that we are not coming. If asked why, I'd explain that it's because I can't guarantee that my kids will be perfect angels 100% of the time and I don't want to be uncomfortable worrying that we might be expected to leave if the kids don't behave perfectly. I'd welcome them to come to my home anytime, but tell her that I won't be staying at her home.

I know this might damage the friendship, but for me, the damage has already been done, when the "friend" made the comment about the kids. I'm not saying that kids should be allowed to run amuck in someone else's home (or their own for that matter), but it doesn't sound like your's did. It sounds like they're normal kids.

K., I do understand why you are upset, however, take yourself out of the picture for a second. You told us how close you are, like family. To me she feels the same way you do about how close you all are. Obviously your kids do too, I bet in public outings your children hardly act up. Since they did at her house, they also feel comfortable as they do at home. I think that is why she text you what she did. It would have been better coming from her mouth, but still, she didn't want to hurt your feelings either. What if her kids acted up really bad at your house the way your kids did? How would you handle that? Would you want them to stay again? Be honest with yourself. Of course we cannot predict our children's behavior, maybe they have acted like this before just not as bad, I don't really know. I know from my own experience, first of all it's a little hard hearing that your children aren't as good as you think sometimes. I remember when my mother told me she didn't want me to go out to eat with them because my youngest, infant-toddler age, would cry and be very disruptive. I was very defensive at first, he's a baby or toddler, they have short attention spans, whatever I wanted to justify his bad behavior. But she was right, that's rude to everyone else if he's going to behave like that. When he stop being like that we went with them.
I truly think you should go to your friends house. Have a long talk with your girls. Don't put them on a big guilt trip but remind them that you are guest and even though Aunt X and Uncle Y are like family, we still need to respect their home. If they feel frustrated then take a little time out or let you know. The girls I'm sure will understand. As for you, enjoy your time with your friend. Tell your friend you were a little hurt about her text, but you do understand why she said it, you would feel the same way if it happened at your house. That way she can also be aware of your feelings from another point of view. Make a joke with her saying something like "you know you have me on pins and needles now..."

Kids will be kids. I think you have a great friendship/family. Maybe the next time or down the road her kids will act up. Things like this happen. Chalk it up as experience and everyone have fun. It sounds like you are sisters anyway, wouldn't you talk to your sister like that? If your nieces or nephews were acting up, wouldn't you address the situation? I just would hate for you not to have your close friendship. I would love to have a friendship like you have.

WOW.no WAY are you reading too much into this or overreacting. you call her your friend? is she an only child or something?! anyone who has kids or even siblings can tell, you cant predict a childs behavior. yes, children usually have a general temperament, but add in siblings, pets, excitement...they are not going to be the same temperment the whooole time. i grew up with 6 other siblings! suffice it to say, our house was usually close to chaotic. siblings fight and dont always get along. its just a fact of life. and you cant force them to get along and/or behave for your friends! that is ABSOLUTELY unreasonable for your friend to say that to you. not to mention incredibly rude! she does not sound like a friend i would want to keep. she is putting ridiculous expectations on your children, and that is not fair. if one of my friends said that to me. i would rip her a new @$$hole and tell her to shove it. but thats just me. thats like when your baby throws a tantrum or starts crying in the grocery store and people (that dont have kids) come up to you and tell you that you should "control" your children and then tell you to leave. oooh and that pisses me off.
friends are supposed to be supportive and understanding of eachothers needs and situations. apparently, she didnt get that memo

Well the thing is with kids... they do act up. And that is not predictable.
Even the BEST of kids.... can act up.
They can't expect to have you sans your kids, as friends. You are a family.

Sure, kids feel vibes. And they also have their own bad hair days or over-tired days or adult things irking them because they have been patient for say 4 hours already and are just at the end of their rope. In 'adult' type venues or activities... you cannot expect a child to just float around like a Satellite around... the adults... nor constantly. Unattended or without attention.

ANY child or adult... can get irritated.
Even the best of us.

For me, I would not take it personally nor bend over backwards just to please them NOR have my kids feel all guilty for being a kid.
Because USUALLY... your and my kids... are 'good.'

And yes, if they CANNOT tolerate your kids or any kids.... and their nature...then it is not a good mix.

Remember, this is not an ADULT getaway.... it is with your kids and any adult friends.... 'cannot' expect.... your/their weekend to be without kids... because they are there... and they are kids. And you are a parent.

all the best,
Susan

I don't think that was a nice thing for you friend to say. Was one of your kids hurting one of hers and she is getting the mama bear response? Otherwise it's an odd thing to say. When we get together with friends and there are multiple kids running around there are ALWAYS times when certain kids are having a meltdown or behaving poorly. We deal with it and move on. Kids can't be angels all the time and when they are overly excited like that they tend to act up (at least my son can!). I think your friends need to loosen up a bit. Anyway, just go and try to relax and hopefully it'll be THEIR kids that act up this time!!!

Do not go if you cannot stay somewhere else. You cannot guarantee your children will behave one way or another. Your friend 1) should have called you instead of texting bc I would take that text to mean exactly what it says, 2) should never invite you to stay a weekend far from home at her house contingent on the behavior of CHILDREN, which can be unpredictable at best. Is she going to ask you to leave if they are not acting to her standards? I'm sorry your "friend" did this to you...but I would never stay at her house again. It's not fair to you or your children. Just my opinion...

Why are you and your kids to blame for this? It sounds to me that you and your friend have been exchanging weekends at each other's home for a long time. This other guy joins you and makes rude comments and you and your kids get stressed and your kids act out. I think you need to call your friend and talk this out. Or have her family come to your home this time so you can talk it out. Explain that everything was find until (insert name here) came over and made rude comments.
I always had a few hard and fast rules when my kids were growing up.
1) do not criticize my parenting in front of my kids (kids need to believe their parents are right or it can drive a wedge between you and they begin to think the parents are wrong and/or stupid)
2) all food is good food (kids need to learn to eat everything -- no one was allowed to say 'I don't like that' in front of my kids)
3) bigotry of any kind is not tolerated
4) do not glorify drinking and or drugs around my kids

Wow! That was pretty rude of her, especially since you two had just talked about it the day before. I doubt her kids are perfect every time you all get together. I'm sure your kids, like many, were just excited and acted out a little last time. I would NOT want to go somewhere where I had to feel on edge and like I might have to leave at any time my friend felt my kids were not up to par. I would let her know you will pass for now because you do not want to have unfairly high expectations for your kids and not be able to let everyone enjoy themselves.

I would be FURIOUS if my "friend" said that to me! What kids don't act up occasionally? I have very well behaved kids. They are good, respectful, they listen, etc. BUT, they're KIDS! They have bad days. They have tantrums. They cry and whine. They're KIDS! I can't imagine ever being friends with someone that told me my kids were only welcome if they were good! I can't believe that a friend would ever say that! And you handled the situation by removing the kids from the situation until they calmed down.
Unless your kids were intentionally hurting the other children, being consistently disrespectful to the hosts or their home, then I don't really see the big deal. Arguing, having melt downs, etc are no reason for your "friend" to treat you so rudely.

I think you might be reading too much into it.

I would go and give it another shot...and relax when you are there! You guys have done this several times before, I am sure it will be fine.....and if it's not, then it's not. No biggie.

I think the friendship at least deserves another try.

Things can be taken weird in texting conversations...I would call her and have an honest conversation with her. Tell her what you said here in your last paragraph. You are good friends, and everything you feel is complelely normal, so you should be able to have a frank conversation without offending each other. Good Luck!

And anyway, isn't it THEIR turn to come to YOUR house?
I suppose their kids are perfect everytime they do?

That's a tough one. I would go this time and see what happens. If more comments are made or if your children misbehave then perhaps its time to stop these types of visits.
Perhaps your friend just wanted you to relay the message to your girls. A pre-ultimatum if you will.
Go, chances are everything will be fine.

ok here is the thing..first of all it doesnt sound like this is how your daughters normally act...possible they wer