When Child Doesn't Want to Talk to You While at Grandma's...

Seriously? Give the kid a break. He's in Kindergarten and you think it's a big deal that he doesn't want to talk to you at Grandma's. What I think is you are heading down a dangerous path. You already say that he gives you the hardest time and the examples you give are perfectly normal five year old behavior. It upset you that he didn't want to talk to you? Haven't you ever been busy doing something and didn't answer the phone? My grandchildren often don't want to talk to their parents when they are here -- they are busy doing what they are doing. It certainly doesn't mean that they don't respect or love their parents. In my opinion you need to lighten up on this kid or you (and him) are going to have a very difficult time as he gets older.

I wouldn't have gone to pick him up, nor would I have been upset about it.
My husband and I travelled a lot when the kids were little. My daughter missed me, but she was always busy having fun with Grandpa or doing something else and never said more than hi and goodbye.
I was just happy she was having a great time.

I don't think you should worry so much about this.
Just my opinion.

I think it sounds like a pretty normal reaction for a little kid to have. He got in trouble at school- you and the other parents, etc. were not happy with him and he knew that. He was having fun hanging with grandma and so he dodged talking to you because he was probably worried you might still be mad at him.

I wouldn't worry too much about it and I would not have gone to get him. It sounds like what he did at school was a misunderstanding of how to behave on his part and he just didn't want to be reminded of it. To let it upset you or keep you from enjoying time with your other kids is just giving yourself a hard time.

Don't be mad at your child or your stepmom- if you really have more that you feel you need to talk to him about regarding the school incident, save it for when he comes home and be calm and straightforward with him. But just give each other a little break and start fresh! Good luck!

Your son's unwillingness to talk to you is very normal. There are very few kindergartners who are comfortable on the phone. I think you took his lack of response too personally. It's much more likely that he was uncomfortable with the phone and/or that he was busy doing something else. At 5 or 6 he doesn't have the same understanding of the world as you do.

Please let it go and work on toughening up so that he isn't as able to upset you. Realize that he is just a small child and has much to learn. You are one of his teachers and have one way of doing things. Others, such as his grandmother has another way of doing things. Neither way is wrong. It takes a combination of many ways to teach a child.

I'm a grandmother and want to suggest from my experience with my daughter that it's normal to be more anxious about doing the right thing for a child. I've raised a child and realize that life doesn't have to be so intense. Try to relax some. Perhaps counseling also for you would help you learn how to deal more effectively. It's not fair to your other children for you to be this upset with one child.

My daughter and her family have started into family counseling because they're so concerned about their 2 oldest children and their differences. Both are ADHD. The oldest is strong willed and difficult to manage. The middle one is on the autism spectrum. It's helping them immensely.
Their youngest is 5 months old and they're much more able to relax and let her be who she is than they were when the oldest were babies. I think that they've discovered that their children are more like normal children that they thought because they are positively responding to the different parenting skills that they're learning.

I suggest that your step-mother is probably on the right track. Your son needs a different form of discipline than you're using. It works for your other children but not with him. Children are different and need different things. It's good that she's able to give you a break. It sounds like you're overwhelmed and need the break. I'm glad you allowed it.

It sounds like you're quite upset with your son. It sounds like you and your son are locking horns. He's hurting and is angry and acts out. You're hurting and are also angry and perhaps being too hard on him. Remember he's 5/6 and is still learning appropriate behavior. Cut him some slack in regards to the phone call. You are hurting yourself and your family by taking his lack of response personally. Nothing will change with your son. That is not teaching or learning.

Later: I'm reminded of an incident with my granddaughter when she was in Kindergarten. She cut off the eyelashes of one eye. They grew back.

No, I would not have gone to pick him up. It seems like she is good for him! She must give him the extra attention he needs, which you should be grateful for! Appreciate the load off your back! If someone loves your son let them. His behavior sounds normal. I would advise you to give him more love, hugs, and kisses, and to not be in a rush to diagnose him just because he cut someone's hair in kindergarten.

Just wanted to share my story: I was 4 years old when my brother was born. My parents had already arranged for our next-door neighbor (also a mom the same age) to come over if necessary and she ended up coming to our house in the middle of the night when my parents had to get to the hospital. She stayed there until I got up and then brought me back to her house to stay until my parents got back. At some point during the day my mom called her to let her know they had the baby, everything was fine, and to see how I was doing. Then she wanted to talk to me, but when our neighbor told me my mom was on the phone and wanted to talk to me, I told her I was too busy. I guess I was just having too much fun playing with her daughter and all her toys than to want to be interrupted. Had nothing to do with my feelings for Mom, but like Riley said, sometimes we get taken for granted - they just figure we'll always be there and whatever they are doing at the moment is way more exciting. Don't take it too personally - I would have just let him stay there and continued to enjoy a break from him.

Nope.

Even when my son and I are fantastic (most of the time) about HALF the time he doesn't want to talk to me when he's at Nana's. He's busy. The thing is I'm "safe". I'm always there. He has absolutely no fear of my disappearing. I'm "just" mom. I'm taken for granted. Especially when he's doing something special. I do not rate.

And you know what? That's a good thing. (sniff)

To me it sounds like you called happy/checking in... but he was busy and you got your nose out of joint because your feelings got hurt.

Now... if you were calling because he was in trouble or with a desperate question and he refused to talk to you... that's disrespectful and unacceptable. But he wasn't. You just wanted to say hi and he was wrapped up in something fun and didn't want to get on the phone.

It sounds like you NEED this break if one wrong step puts you on the war path. (Been there, and done that).

It ALSO sounds like you haven't totally lost your perspective, since you didn't go storming off to go get him. Good on ya.

Why pick him up? Aren't you glad of the break? If he was happy where he was I am not surprised he didn't want to come to the phone. My older child is also a 5 year old boy and I get pretty frustrated with him at times too (today he was driving me crazy).

I think you're connecting the second event (grandma's house) with the first (school adventures) in your mind. Try not to.

When my children were away from home having fun they were never interested in stopping to talk to me. In their minds, Mama would always be there, so why stop what they were doing right then?

If your stepmother is the different avenue of discipline, then you can talk with her (later) about how things went. Don't forget that you two are on the same side.

As a granny of a 5.5 year old boy, I can tell you that he seldom wants to talk to his parents when he's having overnights with us or at his other grandmas' house. Kids are very immediate, get very involved in the project of the moment, and not often as aware of adults' needs than we wish they were. But it's actually healthy that he's so involved in his special time away from you.

My grandson has had half a dozen overnights with me and Poppie, and each time he's been in a different emotional space. These have ranged from his not being ready to go back to his normal home life, and weeping with misery as his parents drove him away, to being impatient for his mommy and daddy came to pick him up again. Sometimes he'll suggest calling them to check in, other times they call him to check in, but he's too preoccupied to talk to them. And all of it is okay. Actually, probably more than okay. He's getting to experience a broad range of emotion in settings that are safe and supportive.

I'm not sure from the amount of detail you give why you were so upset that he didn't want to talk to you. If he was rude and angry, I can get it. But if he was just too involved in his "alternate" reality, that would not be something I'd get worked up over.

I know that the alternatives we offer to his usual routine (even though we are still careful about providing sensible boundaries) have been helpful to his emotional growth. If his parents were really uptight and never allowed him to have any other kind of 'parenting' than what they provide, he would be missing some genuinely valuable and broadening experiences. He really listens to me, and doesn't have the same power issues he has with his parents. I take advantage of that to give him new and empowering ways to contemplate such family-building virtues as cooperation, self control, responsibility, and choosing personal happiness. His parents will attest to how positive our influence has been on their son.

So if you are mainly unhappy about him being too involved in something else to talk to you, I hope you'll find a way to reframe your reaction. Instead you might celebrate that he's getting a fuller picture of life than any single set of parents can possibly provide, and he's thriving on it. It's only in the last few generations that the nuclear family has become so isolated and self-reliant. This is not always a good thing.

By the way, hair-cutting is painfully common in the early school years. Kids are not trying to torment their parents or misbehave; generally they really are imagining themselves as barbers or stylists, or trying out a new look for themselves. If this behavior were to continue in spite of corrections and explanations, then I would worry that it was part of a dysfunctional pattern. But the first time? More than likely, it's just curiosity and experimentation, and lack of a specific rule against hair-cutting. Until it happens, how many parents ever think to tell junior, "And never, ever cut hair yourself."

NOPE! that would be acting childish! Sorry.....that's my honest answer.

When dealing with children, never-ever let them see you sweat.

You've admitted that he gives you the hardest time out of your children. That is his job...that is what middle children do. It's well-documented, & many books have been written about this issue. The fact that you are venting so much (anger) really tells a lot about your relationship with him.

While he was ?rude? about not wanting to talk to you....what was he doing? Was he kidding around? Was he being playful? Was he in the middle of something that seemed important to him? These are all clues/cues that you may have missed in your emotional reaction to his words! The fact that your MIL blew it off....should carry some weight here. She was with him & is probably able to better read the actual event.

My thoughts: see what the counselor has to say. Be open to the fact that the dr will probably recommend family counseling, regardless of the diagnosis......based on the dynamics between the two of you. This does not make you a bad Mom, nor your son a bad kid. It means that you two need to learn how to live together. I sincerely wish you Peace.

Check your emotions! Perhaps you didn't share all the details....but get clear on why he didn't want to talk to you (playing, watching tv, reading, etc.) Instead of being upset or questioning the relationship, you should be grateful that he has a grandma he can trust.....we all need someone outside the home that can help us out!

And if he was upset with you, so what? Don't make him wrong for it!

He might just need a break....he can't do anything right in your eyes....and kids sence this. Perhaps you need to parent him differently than your other children so that it works for both of you.

S.

My daughter (9) has never wanted to talk with me on the phone. She is with her dad half of the time, and she does not talk with me on the phone when she's there. If forced to talk, to tell some news or something, she'll do it, then she'll say something like "are we done now?" "can I go now" or "what are we supposed to talk about?". I do not take this personally. In fact, it is reassuring to me that she is fine where she is.

It does sound like the two of you could use counseling. He may be dramatic, but your response to him also seems dramatic.

Nah, just be happy you have someone to help you parent a somewhat difficult child. Children often listen to other adults better than they listen to their own mom. I wish I had a grandma to give me a break when my kids were little. I would have been more sane.

Enjoy the break, and let grandma parent him for a while.

And, for another perspective, I think the adults getting mad at the haircut were silly. If it were my child who got his hair cut and allowed your son to do it, I would think it was funny. It's HAIR, for pete's sake. It grows. He thought he was a barber. That's cute!! Remember that story. It will be funny later.

Last week, the kids and I were at my folks for a few days. When dad called, one of the boys (5 yo) talked to him to tell him about all the fun he was having. When he tried to hand the phone to brother (5 yo), daddy heard him loudly say "I don't want to talk to him". Yes, it hurt dad's feelings. No, he didn't mean to hurt dad's feelings, he was just "practicing his reading" at the time. This is VERY typical behavior for that age. Your stepmom is right to minimize it. Do your best to get over your bruised ego before you welcome him - with loving arms - back home ;)

Hi, T:

Sounds like you have some unresolved childhood issues.
Have you looked at how come your second child distresses
you so much?
Just a thought.
D.

It sounds to me like you have a very smart son who knows exactly how to push his mother's buttons. Don't reward that behavior with attention, let it go.