When to Pick Your Battles?

Confront them!! It's NOT about them.....and it's NEVER to late to start......ESPECIALLY when it involves FAMILY!! They sound pretty self absorbed if you ask me!

Even though it is very hard to leave go of unfair attitudes of others, there is a young boy's "attitude" at stake. He needs to be free from his father's poor judgement concerning families, and possibly many others, and given a chance to see that you are not extending the negativity of his father. Take the child to the party and feel that you are the better person with a good attitude and not judging the boy by his father's unfair practices.

Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I want to shake some sense into some of these responders.

You DO NOT involve children in adult problems. This has nothing to do with them. Take your nephew to the party, and don't make him feel bad about missing your son's; it's not his fault. If your son asks why uncle didn't show, just say you have no idea and change the subject.

Talk to your brother about how hurt YOU were that he missed the party, especially if it is a recurring theme, and since he seems to have a different attitude to your sister's kids. But if he doesn't change his behavior, it's not worth starting a family feud over.

People get their noses out of joint over the silliest things sometimes. This might be worth being annoyed about for a moment, but forgive and forget. Someday you will need your brother, or he will need you for something serious, and you don't want small things to get in the way. This is a small thing.

Sounds like your brother is a bit immature himself. I would take the nephew to the party and the next time you have a party for one of your children, offer to pick him up for that too. I'm sure he would have loved to be there too. If you talk with your brother, make sure the kids are not around. My guess it won't change his thinking much, as he is wrapped up in himself. Life is too short to let little things like this bother us for long. Enjoy all the kids while they are young.

Unfortunately, your 6 year old nephew is stuck in the middle. I would take him to the party regardless of how you feel about your brother. I know it's aggravating to say the least, but someone needs to be mature about it.

If it's not your brother just being a jerk, you may want to consider how your nephew may have been treated by your son, or maybe your son's buddies in the past. If there are no issues at your sister's house then either your nephew gets along with them much better, or your brother gets along with her much better.

In any case, whatever is going on should try to be corrected so that they don't miss out on growing up with each other. Many kids are not so lucky to have family in their age range.

Your brother sounds like a piece of work!
I would keep taking his son to the parties.
It is not his fault that his father is like that.
Perhaps when your childrens' parties come up you could volunteer to pick up your nephew and bring him to the party.
It is going to do you no good to confront your brother so don't put yourself through it.
Just be a loving aunt to your nephew.
One day he will recognize that you did a lot to keep him involved in family doings, despite his father.

Hi L.,
I suggest that you take your nephew to the party. He's only 6 and shouldn't have to miss out on positive childhood experiences because of an inconsiderate father. You set a positive role model for your nephew, enabling him to develop more compassion for others. When he gets older, he may choose to recognize your son's birthday himself, or atleast, be grateful for him being so selfless. Your 11 year old is a great influence on your nephew, even compared with his father. Older children who are siblings or relatives have a profound influence on younger children. It's a great opportunity for your son to learn about the positive role model he is in his cousin's life rather than to focus on what's not fair as far as birthday recognition goes. For parties, he's coming out with the short stick( as is his cousin.) For life, he's got a thoughtful, loving parent who's instilling relationship values that will deepen his ability to relate to others for a lifetime. As for brother, let him learn by your example too. It may take decades, but you won't be able to change his heart. That's a decision he'll have to come to. In the meantime, I doubt he's truly happy on the inside. Don't let his selfishness contaminate your values or your love for your nephew.
God bless you,
Rev.S. Driskell

It's not your nephew's fault his dad's a jerk.

I'm sorry to hear that your brother is excluding your son like that. You should continue to take his son to family gatherings, but you should also directly adress the situation with your brother in private. When he says "why start now?" tell him that it hurts you and your son, and how much it would mean to have that acknowledgement and participation. I've always felt that this kind of thing has to be addressed directly-tactfully, but don't skirt the issue. Is your relationship with your brother good otherwise? Only you know if there are other issues that might be affecting this situation. Hopefully, regardless of his personal issues, he can man-up and do the right thing for the sake of the boys.

What you should do depends on how serious this really is to you. Does it really mean that much? Also, you should think about all your options. Would sending a gift for the party suffice instead of an appearance? The point is the party is celebrating the child whose birthday it is. If you are upset over this other, almost unrelated, situation, maybe not appearing at all would be best. Let this other child celebrate her birthday.

Hey L., I am a 65yr old Mother of 4 and 8 grandchildren. It seems there is a greater problem here... Why dont you speak to your brother about the hurt that your son is feeling. also is there a reason why you are the one that drives their son to all the parties? Pick your nephew up and bring him to your house. Family is about being with each other and enjoying the time that you have to do that.

Hi L.,

I feel like you could do both..you could show up like a grown-up and let your brother know that 11yo want their cousins and Uncle around on special days. That he was hurt by what he feels is rejection and his (your brothers) behavior is that of a juvenile and you EXPECT him to show up like a grown-up. If he tells you he isn't going to and something lame like life is tough then simply agree and let him know after this ride to the up coming event he will be on his own accord for taking his children to family functions you are finished babysitting (unless your not)

Meanwhile, I feel for you and what you are going through, it clearly sounds like you are the glue and peace maker of the family. Make certain you are taking care of you and your needs. Then you will find bringing manners to ill-mannered people (like your brother)is not a fight but simply the thing to do. He (your brother) is behaving like that of a 3yo so meet him where he is but you be the adult. In other words how do you correct or teach your 3yo manners, probably with kindness and gentleness but still firm....same for him..

wat would ur son do? i would confront ur brother and see wat the real reason he cant support his nephew when u support urs?!! good luck!!

Wait a minute, I started reading the first response and couldn't read any further. Do you realize that you're asking a question about whether you should put your nephew in the middle of this? He's a child, has no idea about adult issues, so therefore, you should ABSOLUTELY brush it off and take him. It's not his fault, and he doesn't need to be made aware of the adult issue between you and your brother.

Was the party less enjoyable w/o your brother and nephew there? I have nutty siblings and instead of feeling hurt- I look at the reality- I usually dodn't miss them.

I know it's hard to explain to your son but sometimes we have real life examples of how we should or shouldn't behave.
I won't sweat it- he missed the party. You had a good time!
Have a good weekend! Good luck!

HI L.,

Maybe when you have your nephew you could talk to him about how much your son missed him and how you'd love to see him next year at his next birthday party?
Do they have conflict?

I noticed my daughter refuses to play with certain friends and one cousin. I think it is bc they are aggressuve, my daughter is very passive and does not like children who scream and are aggressive.

On the other hand, if could just be the dad, but if you put that little seed in your nephews ear that he was missed and he would be very welcome next time, he may insist to be there to his dad! ;)

IMO it's the dad, your niece and nephews wouldn't see him if you didn't bring him, correct???
So, its clear the dad isn't putting forth much effort. But that's not the sons fault, I'd offer to pick him up next time.
OR since you bring him to your sister's kids parties, why couldn't she bring him to your sons?

Dear L.,
My heart goes out to you and your son. This is obviously bothering him and you so I would stand up for him and start asking some questions of my other family members. Why hasn't your brother brought his son to your son's things? It doesn't sound like he would even go to his other neices and nephews things if it weren't for you doing the leg work. If I were you, I would make my brother take responsibility for his own son getting to and from family events because it is his own family too. As for his attitude about the recent birthday party he may not listen but it might make you and your son feel better to tell him how sad and hurt you are by his lack of action. Holding feelings in just makes the next offense even more aggravating. After you confront him, let it go and make him take responsibility for his own child. Your children are your most important priority. Good luck.

L.--

This is your FAMILY. If there is a problem with your brother, address it, and fix it if possible. It's better to find out directly why he's being so distant. He might have other issues that would explain his habits.

He also might just be like me. I can forget even my own birthday!!

I would be pissed and I can understand how you feel but do not punish the child for the "sins of the father". Children behave as they are taught or from what they see. This is your brothers fault, not your nephews. This may actually be a good time to take a moment and ask your nephew why he doesn't acknolwedge his cousin's birthdays. It may help you come to terms with it, once you speak to him. This may also be a test from your brother. I personally would like to meet your brother and kick his "a--" for his childishness and inconsideration. What kind of an example is he setting for his child? Good luck with what you decide.

I would be the adult and take your nephew to the birthday party. He is only 6, and if someone doesn't keep him around the family, and keep him close with his cousins, than he may never get to see them. You may be the only link to keeping him close with the rest of the family, even though your brother doesn't seem to care.

sounds to me like your brother isn't into doing things like that, thats why he has you pick up his son to go to these parties....so have someone else pick the nephew up on your son's next b day party...could be thats all it really is...its your Brother....some brothers just don't THINK!!!....and don't really want that responsibility...
Don't let your brother's ways influence you from picking up your nephew. Two wrongs don't make a right, it may not make you feel any better, u know what I mean?
But I would still tell my brother whats what<G> with LOVE!!!<VBG>

Sounds to me like your nephew needs to miss the party. Stand up to your brother and tell him exactly what you think. I would definitely confront the situation because there is no excuse why he has missed every single one of your sons b-day parties. Tell your brother you will not take your nephew to the b-day party and tell him to figure it out for himself. Good luck!
D.

I am a 31 yr. old married mom of almost 12 yrs. (this Nov.). My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

Having been through a similiar situation, I would talk to your brother and let him know how you feel. Hopefully if you can make him see what it would make him feel like if it was his son, maybe it will make a difference. Even if it doesn't, your son will know that you tried to make a difference for him.

I would take the nephew to the party but I would also confront your brother. You are being taken advantage of and your son is being hurt. Don't tolerate it anymore. Good luck!

The mother bear in me has a few choice words for your brother...but I'm sure I'd be preaching to the choir. I'm guessing there's more to the story and would do some digging to find out what his (your brother) real problem is. You'd be surprised on what things people keep bottled up for years and then take them out in passive aggressive measures like this. It is deplorable that he is hurting your son in the process, this behavior is the hallmark of a coward and I feel he needs to come clean with what the real issue is. I'm so sorry for your son that he has to deal with this from his 'uncle', I'm sure you make it clear to him that it's his uncle that has the issue and is not his fault. Best of luck to you in resolving this L.! Blessings, T.

Does he feel embarrased that they cant bring a gift?I have sisters that dont want to come because they cant afford a gift or the trip in gas to get here and feel bad.If it is not that maybe you should tell him how you feel about it.If you dont want your nephew to feel hurt and get involved maybe have your brother drop him off for the party and leave,or maybe you can pick your nephew up for the party?I am now having my kids just pick one friend for their birthday,we have cake and ice cream at home then maybe movies and go out and do something fun.Like going out to eat,going to a fun center,maybe the movies whatever they want to choose for that day within our means.

Hello,
Walking away is easy way out! Stand your grounds. Sounds like your brother dosn't hang around the family, Wonder what's more important than family. Why doesn't your sister pick him up for your son's birthday party. Your brother is one one whom is losing out! And the son doesn't need to suffer for it, have him stay the night or pick him up that morning. Do what you can so he will be part of the family, even though your brother, isn't! I wish you all the luck with this. No matter how it is handled, if your brother cares, at all. He's feelings could be hurt, but then again. It will be the son, whom will be hurt more than anyone.
So make the right choice, and pray that someday, you can get your brother to come around! Besides what about is wife, doesn'r she care?
L. A,

L.,
First of all-how rude!! I wouldn't let this one go for nothing. Why is it that your nephew/his son has NEVER been to one of your son's parties?? I'm hoping it's not because he wasn't invited. Have you asked your brother WHY? Let him know your son is upset that his cousin never comes to his parties, but that he(your brother)can bring him/your nephew to others' parties. He needs to know how this makes your son feel and YOU feel. Personally, I think your brother sounds like a "jerk" and he needed a punch in the nose for what he said to you anyway, but that's me. This is the time to get it all off your chest and come to "blows" so to speak.
Good Luck and let us know what happened,
R.

People will only use anybody or us for floor mats if we allow
it. It's a shame because your nephew is being taught to be uncaring and rude.
I cannot speak for you , however if it were me, I would distance myself from my brother. No confrontation, no argument, no nothing. Whenever he comes around to see why he has lost control of me - I would tell it like it is. I would explain that my child is more important to me than being a chauffeur for his son. If he isn't willing to be considerate of my child, then ask nothing of me. Each should be willing to do for their own instead of expecting others to do it for them or their child.
My mother had an original saying that she expressed often to me and my siblings and I use it for my daily guide.
Life is our checking account and we withdraw what we deposit.
Another way of saying - we receive what we give - or what goes around comes around.
Maybe your brother is so used to having others do for him and his he doesn't realize how he is treating others. You are in a position to maybe open his eyes and teach him a valuable lesson about giving and taking.
Best reguards
D.

1.brothers are dumb
2. maybe they are living with financially restricked means. It's hard to tell.

I have 4 brothers and only one of them have ever been to my house for a birthday party. My girls are twins are 6 and other daughter is 13. This past birthday for the twins was the first time their 8 year old son ever came over for a party. When I was little i never had a birthday party but my sister and i have parties for our kids, 3 of my brothers don't.

3.Large families are why they started "family reunions" it is very difficult to give the same amount of individual attention to each family member,

I woulds explain to my son that even though they love us very much some people just think about birthdays with a different level of importants. I would also let my brother in a (none emotional tone) that you think his attitude sucks and it's hurt-full.

4. brothers are dumb

Hello L.,

I would definately have a talk with your brother about how hurt your son is. I am sure he will understand. Sometimes we get so busy in things that we act in ways we shouldn't. Although the comment your brother made disturbs me. Your family! Have you ever had a party for your son and invited him and his family before? I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters, and only one brother makes it to birthday parties with his family. Quite a few of them live out of state so its understandable. Two in particular choose to just not come. Those two didn't even show for my son's graduation. But ya know what, thats ok! My son grew up not expecting it, so he wasn't hurt. I think I was more bothered by it. I wish you the best, its a tough situation.

T.

I am VERY nonconfrontational, but I would have to say this in one battle that needs to be fought. I would tell your brother that you are not a chauffer, you will drive your nephew one last time (no reason for the other kids to suffer, too) but in the future it would be greatly appreciated if your son's feelings could be taken into consideration just as you are taking ALL of the childrens feelings into consideration NOW. Maybe your brother believes you are secure in his love and don't need reminders? maybe he's just cheap and doesn't want to buy a present, who knows. Just keep in mind that what goes around comes around and even though it may not come from you, payback is still a, well, not very fun thing.

Dearest L. A. ,
NO BATTLE NEEDED , JUST LOVE!

I've answered several moms' questions on line most of them privately. I don't give FEEL GOOD advice, instead Christlike advice. So others I pray may benifit from this answer it's open for all to read.
Please know that life is so short! Life is about who you love & who you hurt, about how you love & hurt yourself. How you love & hurt your family. It's about how we all love & hurt the very people that pass through our lives!
Life is all about love ,to live this life & not love is a TRAGADY!
Live to love! To lay your head on your pillow at night & know somone breathes easier because you lived today. This is where fullfillment in life comes from.
Giving yourself to others! By helping others you will automatically help yourself & your son in this case .
We are all running out of time to be kind. PLease tell your brother one thing, not for me but for God. Tell him no matter what he does or says will not change one thing. That one thing is; that you love him unconditionally.
If he invites you ,go if you can or send a gift or a card. If you invite him & he doesn't come just keep lovingly inviting him. Pray for him to come around remebering there is NO such thing as wasted prayer! God will see you through this, you will be rewarded for your loving effort.
Be sure to say only nice things about your brother to everyone, including your children. Good things repeated to others is better by far than bad things.
Gossip, faultfinding, backstabing, unkindness & bitterness gets us no where fast. Oh, it is also sinful!
Just to let you know I am #6 of 13 children with all the same mom & dad who are still married by the way. I have 8 brothers, 4 sisters, 10 in-laws & 36+ nieces & nephews. We all live within a 10+ miles radius of one another except 2, of those two only 1 brother in out of state.
I had a brother who was a bit difficult reciently. I continued to be kind & he is coming around. Mastering problems in life the RIGHT way makes us better people.
Love & prayers ,
Your sister in Christ ,
J. Z.

Hi L.,
Don't take this out on your nephew, he's just a child. A young one at that. Your brother on the other hand needs to know how that makes your son feel, as well as how it makes you feel. If he doesn't get it then he's a jerk and I wouldn't waste my time with him. N.

First of all, good for you in being the bigger person so far. You honestly sound like a wonderful mother. Since this involves family it's a very touchy situation. I personally think I would say something. First of all, if you don't it will continue and you and your son will continue to hurt over it. I would walk through hell to stop my son from hurting, and it sounds like you would to. I would be cautious in what you say, but definitely say something. Frankly I wouldn't stop going to any parties. You're showing your son that you are the bigger person and therefore teaching him to do the same thing. Do what you have to do though to stop your son from hurting. Good luck to you!

Well, I must say your brother sounds weird, but why have the children suffer. Why don't you go and pick your nephew up and bring him home to your son's party--since that's what you're doing with him for your sister's children, anyway. This way the chilren are happy and can have a good time and you don't have to deal with the adults.

Sounds like your brother is just selfish and has never grown up. Not your nephews fault though. You should continue to be the great aunt you are and do what you can for him. He will remember this when he grows up. Someone else had a good idea for future parties at your house...can your sister bring the nephew?

Your brother may never "get it" so you need to decide what you are going to do. In my opinion it should be something that includes your nephew and does not put him in the middle or make him feel responsible for his father's actions.

Hi L.
This is a very difficult situation and I feel for you. I would still pick up your nephew, if he wants to go to the party.Speak to your brother and tell him how upsetting it is for your son not to have his cousin there and how you would appreciate some effort back in the relationship. You do a lot fo rhim and it sounds like your brother needs to quite being selfish and step up to the plate. Good luck!

I kind of have the same situation as you. My mother in law never does anything with our kids but gets mad if we don't go out of our way for my husbands nephews. I never said anything because I didn't want to be the bad guy. The final straw for me was when she walk out on our 2 yr. olds birthday party because my husband didn't invite his brother because they were having problems. She now refuses to call and talk to our kids who are 10,7and 2. I finally made a stand when I seen how it made my two older kids feel. I think we do need to pick our battles but if it is making your son hurt you should stand up for him. If you don't stand up for him then who will. It is hard always being the mature one and letting things slide. Don't let anyone make your son feel less of himself. It sounds like your brother is not at all concerned for your son's feelings but wants you to go out of your way to help him out with his son. Don't let people take advantage of you just because they are your family. Your son will learn from you. If you let this happen time and time again he will think that it is ok to be treated that way. Put your foot down with your brother ( not your nephew ). I am sure though if you choose not to take your nephew to the party someone else will.

I would certainly confront him. It honestly may be a male thing but that's no excuse.

My brother in law is the same way.

It may cause a rift in the family but your son has suffered too.

I have always said do what you will to me but don't mess with my kids.

They may think your being narrow but stand your ground. Explain to them how you feel and how your son feels. It's very hurtful to a child to see him go to the other's parties but never his. It's one thing to be busy and call to wish him well but to ignor the event entirely NO!

Who is watching this child while the parents are out of town? Can't they take him if he must attend.