When to Stop Showering/sleeping with Daughter?

in my humble opinion this is not normal and a serious boundary problem. The mother should instilling privacy and independence by 9 1/2 years old!

I agree and think that is RIDICULOUSLY old to be doing all of those things with her mother. For what reason?? She can wash her own hair and tuck herself in now.....She is a pre-teen. She needs her privacy in the shower and in her bedroom. It sounds very strange to me.. How does your step daughter feel about it??

Number one - I'd keep out of it as much as possible and let your husband work through these issues with the mother of his child. I realize she's in your house so it affects you, but you knew that you'd run into challenges when you married a guy with prior commitments.
That said, I agree with your opinion that the mom going into her daughter's bed is weird, adults aren't supposeed to use their children as security blankets, though if she's got a stud in the house it might be more about guilt. I also couldn't tell by your question if the step-daughter has never slept over at your house in all the years you've been married?
I don't really see a problem with the showering, though. My family used to swim twice a week and my sister, mom and I would all shower together after, so I guess it was a comfortable/normal situation. In the mornings we'd often have one person start in the shower, then as they were finishing, the next would jump in, then the last one would hurry the second one out. This way we conserved hot water as well as getting everyone showered in record time. We weren't in there washing each others' backs, but we were totally ok being in and out of the shower at the same time.

Hi K.,

There is something odd going on here...sorry to say it but a mother doesn't/shouldn't be sleeping/showering with her almost 10 year old. At 10 years of age I was wanting to shave my legs, not have my mother in the shower with me. Nor sleeping with me unless it was per my request because I was sick or had a bad dream. I really don't understand why the mom would want to shower with her almost 10 year old... sorry I am a bit baffled by it and maybe you'll get other responses saying the complete opposite, but in my opinion it's time for the mom to cut the cord on these two things. Your step-daughter will have a hard time with independence because her mom is ALWAYS there especially during her intimate and down times. I wish the best of luck, I don't see you and your husbands concern as jealously, just worried. Good luck.
Also, I stopped showering with my now 6 year old when she was about 4. :)

It sounds like the mother is using the daughter for her own emotional needs. Ive showered with my daughters, but it was at the swimming pool locker room. So yes it sounds like too much. But for you, stay out of it. If it bothers your husband, let him handle it. If you offer your opinion to the mother or start stuff between the mother and dad about this you will be creating a lasting rift and difficult situation in your family. As long as you don't have to shower with her or sleep in her room, let your husband handle it. If she were in some danger that would be different, but this is between the mom, dad, and child. Find it in yourself to create your own relationship with the child without letting it be clouded by what she does with her mom.
Apu

Thats way too old to be doing those things. I can see once in awhile needing to climb in bed with mom but her mom should not be the one seeking comfort and climbing into bed with her daughter and she definately shouldn't be showering with her anymore. I have 7 yr old and he has showered without supervision for awhile now I do go and check in on him once in awhile just to make sure he is really washing. I would talk to your step daughter and see how she feels about the situation.

This is totally my opinion, and in no way meant to invalidate your feelings but: This is really something that should be discussed between her father and mother. If it bothers him, he should handle it. I think parenting choices are individual and cannot be judged unless you've been in that situation. Your step-daughter is pre-pubescent, and this is a personal choice. It's a controversial issue (like late breastfeeding, etc.) but how does it affect you? Imagine how you would feel if she started criticizing or confronting how you raise your toddler.

Hi K.,

First, as a step-parent you need to play a supportive role and DON'T butt in. Let your husband and his ex-wife work it out - don't get in the middle. Voice your concerns to your husband and let him handle it as he sees fit. Otherwise, in some way shape or form you will lose...

If you step-daughter is not uncomfortable with it, and nothing abusive is going on, so be it. Personally I wouldn't shower with my children, I never have - they are boys. But they DO constantly crawl into my bed at night.They are 8 and half and 7 years old. I gave up fighting it. That said, I am not crawling into their beds to sleep at night either.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I too feel like it is a cultural taboo issue, something that feels uncomfortable to people. I don't believe there is anything innately harmful in the behavior, nor do I believe it will continue forever. I imagine she will let her mom know when she requires more privacy. My son is 5 and I would allow him in the shower with me if he wanted to. We also have a family bed with my husband, 3yo daughter, and 11 mo old daughter. My son will occasionally ask for "privacy" when he is using the bathroom. I sort of think of us as "tepee living" like Native Americans ;) We have only one bedroom, one bathroom, one living space. Eventually, we will need to consider our options in terms of personal space, but plenty of cultures only ever live in one room. No doubt, a majority of the world!

I sleep with my 10 year old daughter, and sometimes bathe with her. I'm single, though, so probably the situation would be different if I had a partner. Still, I see this as more of a cultural issue. There's no taboo on mother-daughter co-sleeping and co-bathing in most of the world. If the daughter wanted privacy (she probably will once she hits puberty), she'd request it.

In my experience growing up with my mom, I would get into bed with her in the middle of the night when I had nightmares, and around that age, I had alot. I also was afraid of thunderstorms, so I would get into bed with her then as well. I also from time to time would shower with her. We would do it to save time/ hot water, we only had one bathroom for a while. I don't know the real situation to give a strong opinion one way or another. I do think a lot of it has to do with raising a child as a single mom. There are alot of things that I consider wrong or weird that I wouldn't do when it comes to raising a child, but I have come to realize that everyone is different and its not up to me to choose for others.

I don't think it's typical at all. It sounds very, very weird. I remember my nieces at that age, and the last thing they wanted (as they were starting to become body-conscious and wanting a little privacy) was to share a shower with their mother. Good luck with this one because it seems like no matter how nice you voice your concerns, her mother is going to disagree.

I would say shes way too old to be showering with her mother still. I have a daughter who will be six in march and I think the last time she took a shower with me she was 3. We where at a family members house and trying to save time and hot water and she asked why I had hair down there and when would she get it. That was are last shower together! As far as sleeping together I don't know everyones diffrent but in my daughters case she slept with me until she was four and if I didnt meet someone then she might still be but only because I didnt want to sleep alone. I dont understand the fact that she has a man but still does this. So I couldn't say its not normal but its def not healthy.

Just chiming in to balance out the responses. You received a lot of responses from moms who are put off by this practice, just a few who don't object. I think that we're culturally trained to find such platonic intimacy between parents and children beyond toddlerhood offensive, but our discomfort does not mean there is something wrong with it. And--bottom line-- the decision is the mother's. I honestly don't see right and wrong in the situation, just different approaches that unfortunately aren't working harmoniously right now. Best of luck resolving it!

ya, I personally think at that age she should sleeping and showering on her own. I would have a even harder time if your husband (her dad)was given in and sleeping with her in her room.
sounds like the mother has some serious issues.

Well as the mother of a 9 1/2 year old I can say I haven't laid down to get her to sleep since she was about 3 and the only time I've showered with her since then is at an amusement park and I was still wearing my bathing suit. Now she has seen me naked and of course knows about her changing body and stuff, but I also feel that for privacy reasons she doesn't need to be taking a shower with me anymore. Although, she does take one with her six year old sister, but that's for time reasons. I've been thinking that needs to stop though since water gets everywhere and they actually take forever. I do think it's rather odd that your step daughter's mother does all of this with her. I'm not sure that you can approach the subject though. It would really be more of something your husband needs to approach. But it sounds like your husband already has. I don't think it's abusive or anything. I mean if the 9 year old were a boy and the mother was doing all of these things then that wouldn't be right for sure. I think my question though might be what the mother does if her daughter has a friend sleep over her house. Does she still sleep in there with her? If it is causing sleeping problems at your house though you kind of have to wonder what's going to happen when it's time for this girl to be on her own. Maybe that's how your husband can ask her to limit this sort of thing and that privacy also might be a good thing to teach. She can still be close to her daughter by reading with her before bed or combing her hair after her shower or something. I'm just not too sure how you should really approach all of this with her though.

I have an 8 year old son and he used to shower with my husband.We stopped when he turned 7.He sleeps with us on occasion but it's very rare now.I felt he was getting too old.I think your step daughter is also to old for showering and sleeping with her mom.

Hi K.,
It is odd for most pre teen girls to want to shower with their mom in this country. What harm is being done. Is she socially adjusted? Introverted personalty? If there is no effect on her ego or it is not stunting her growth as a person I think she will eventually grow out of it.
I also don't know that it is your place to say anything about it. Even though it has been almost 7 years you have all known each other. That is a conversation that should be kept between the child's' father and mother.
Good luck in the future creating a strong bond between you and your step daughter.
D.

Sounds to me like this is her mom's way of keeping her to herself and not sharing her with your husband and your family. It is very odd to have a child of that age sleeping and showering with their mom.

OK..I dont have daughters..but 2 sons (16yrs and 5 yrs).. I single parented my oldest from his age 4yrs till 11 yrs. I did allow him to come in my room and sleep becaue "he" was scared...bad dreams ect. This was probaby even untill about the same age (about 9). My youngest is now 5yrs and slept in our bed ALOT till about 4yrs..when we finally broke him..(making him sleeep on the floor in a sleeping bag ect) to make it a BIT more less desirable. Now he will call my husband into his room periodically to lay with him when he needs comfort (lucky me :) ).

The showering, on the other hand was broke at toddler time. Once my boys became aware of differences...it STOPPED! Again..they are not GIRLS..which may be a bit different. But then again...In my opinion (only)..I find that very weird! What reason does any (Mother) have to bathe with her older child??? Personally I don't get it! The only reason I showered with my sons at a young age was becaue I found it to be a convenience. But, then again once they were about pre-school age I thought it unappr opriate. Believe me..even the sleeping with me (oldest)..and with us (youngest) I got alot of flack from family members. I just thought that the way I saw it was OK. But, the showung thing really gets to me with a 9 1/2 yr old..even if it is a Mom and (same sex situation) WEIRD!

Hi K.,
I was wondering how you know what is really going on at the mother's house? What relationship does the mother have with her daughter? If the girl is comfortable about sleeping and showering with her mother, then I think there is no issue. I know many of us here would not do these things but it doesn't imply anything bad is happening either. If she isn't self conscious about her body yet, that will very likely change in the near future. I know both my girls began wanting 'privacy' when they started developing.

With respect to the sleeping arrangement, I have 3 older children ( 13, 12, 10), first 2 are girls, and they ALL still want me to sleep with them/ or sleep with me if my husband is away. They actually fight over it- whose turn it will be next etc.. Every night, they all ask me for cuddles- which is when I lay down next to them and we whisper in the dark for a few minutes. It's a very endearing and precious time together. While I do fall asleep with them for a short while sometimes, they are always asking me to stay longer. It is actually exhausting for me, and I don't get to all 3 every night; they accept no as an answer peacefully when the time won't allow it. Sometimes I think I am crazy for doing it, but they enjoy having me there as they drift off to sleep. I know this won't last forever but it's what we do. And honestly, when I'm not too tired, I love to just look at their angelic faces, falling asleep with that sleepy, smiley grin as they drift off. It is just so amazing how the years fly by....I suspect it won't last too much longer...and that will be ok too.

They do spend extended time just fine away from home too, so this is just a nice, quiet, cozy down time ritual we do at home.

Just thought to share that perhaps your step daughter wants her mom there. Having said that, I don't shower with any of them, though!

You know the answer to this, she is way too old to still be sleeping with a parent..it really should of stopped sooner..I am in that boat but with an almost 6 year old and it is just lying with him until he goes to sleep and he has been letting me leave before he falls asleep just recently.
You both know she should not be showering with her too, her 9 year old needs to learn and respect privacy and her own privacy! she will be hitting puberty soon and needs to know she can be alone with herself.

Her mom has made her a complete co-dependant and it is NOT normal or healthy!

I am not sure what you can do as her mom will feel guilty an attacked what ever you say. But she needs someone to talk to her, can you hubby speak with her mom? or the boyfriend and maybe have a chat that way? it needs to be put to a stop as it really is too old for this to be going on and the 9 year old to be having problems with feeling secure. falling asleep on her own and being let mature.