When to Worry

What stands out to me in the situation is the sleep apnea. I would have that evaluated first asap. If he has that, if he is waking up from it all night, he's not getting enough sleep, enough REM sleep. A restless night sleep he may not have enough energy. At this age sleep is so important too. I think if thats the problem and he gets help and starts sleeping soundly through the night he will improve in all areas, behaviorally.

3 1/2 is rather young yet for any child to be able to have a long attention span. The best thing you can do is to start to train him to develope his concentration/attention span. Do activities with him that would require him to sit still for short periods of time, then gradually increase the time he has to sit still. Activities like reading to him, putting puzzles together with him, going for quite walks, imagery session where you have him sit down with his eyes closed and imagine a scene or object in his head and have him describe it to you, etc.

As for the hitting for attention, you're going to have to find some way of diciplining this behavior. If time-out doesn't work, then take things away for short time periods or have him earn things for not hitting. Maybe he could earn a play money dollar for every day he doesn't hit his brother. When the money adds up to a certain amount, everyone gets ice-cream or rent a video to watch.

I work in daycare and I see this a lot. I, myself, have never had a parent evaluate their child at that age. He may have some issues with anxiety. The need to know where you are, the fear of letting you go in the morning suggest seperation anxiety..very common at this age group. He may also just be very energetic. When he starts to act up, ask him if he wants a hug. It will completely distract him and he will come for a hug. I do this with my very energetic children that can't stop running, the ones that through toys and tantrums and the ones always seeming to be in trouble. Remember when you take something away, leave it in their sights because "out of sight out of mind" just up where they can't get it but will miss it. Hope this helps.

Before anything, treat the sleep apnea.
When you sleep you go up and down in 4 level of sleep....
Sleep apnea causes that person to wake up constantly when they are finally reaching the deep levels of sleep. Staying in low levels of sleep (REM Sleep) makes the person feel as though they are sleeping a long time because they have soooo many dreams. But they are never reaching a deep sleep which is when you release hormones that are absolutely vital for your body for health and healing.
If he is lacking the deep sleep he needs it will cause behavior issues. He may be appear wide awake, but he will be irritable and cranky at times when his brain winds down....or hyperactive.
Get him looked at before thinking it's just bad behavior.

S.,
Sorry but the question here is not 'When to worry', becuase you're already worrying and for a good reason. I'm a mother who has gone through the same thing. It's not too soon to tell of he's gonna have problems in Kindergarten. You as his mother already know. Don't doubt your instincts. That's why you have them. Stay focused on what your gut is telling you. I can hear it in your request. All the signs are there. Don't procrastinate taking him to the specialists ASAP. I went through this and doubted everything I thought my son may have had and listened to everyone else and here I am, he's 7 and in his second year of Kindergarten because I didn't want believe he has a problem, I was too scared to think I wouldn't know what to do with him. Well, you have to and I will admit that I am so sorry I didn't take care of it sooner. My son did all the same things in Pre-school. He went full time. He has ADHD!. He couldn't be alone, he would hit his younger brother for no reason, he NEVER sat still and always got repremanded in school. The ADHD is becoming so common now days that it's scary. But it's reality. I could tell you so many things to try before resorting in medication, but no lie, your life is going to change. Whether now or later you have take it with a grain of salt. I had to do a boat-load of research, change his diet, curb my temper, etc.... It was all for the better. It's not easy but get a support group together of your closest family and friends and go over everything because it's an issue that everyone involved with your son will have to adapt to. I'm gonna take a guess and say your son is very loving, a little on the sensative side, gets frustrated when he can't do something, easily startled, great at video games and you think he's smarter than he should be for his age, randomly acts wild for no reason and as soon as you sit down, he's right there by your side. Taking him to talk to a psycologist will help the both of you. If you need to talk or let out some frustration, you can email me. I wish you all the best of luck and don't stress, Once you get everything in order and understand this, you will feel so much better and so will he.

Hi S.,
How is your son's language? I ask this because alot of times when a child's language isn't at the level it should be, they try to communicate in other ways, like hit or figgit, etc. Also, does his preschool only give timeouts? I mean, do they also praise him and reward him (like high fives, hugs, etc.), when he does something correctly? With so many time outs, he may not know what his appropriate behavior should be at the school. These preschools are designed to babysit and when a child, such as yours is a little disruptive, they don't know what to do and they say to get your child evaulated, so maybe you can go into the school and observe your son, to see when he is acting out and what you would do at home for him to correct the situation and pass that knowledge onto the preschool.

Anyway, I would suggest getting him evaluated by your town also, he is young and if you catch what's going on now with him, you can get the services he needs to get him ready for Kindergarteen, PT, OT or even speech. Also, they will want to observe your son at home and at the preschool to see why he is acting the way he is and they can give the preschool ideas on how to fix things (Make them observe him at his preschool!!)

I went through all of this with my daughter at 3, she didn't sit during circle and tried anything to get out of story time and her preschool just let her do what she wanted, which was not a good thing, they really don't know how to handle these situations. I took her to an ENT for a hearing test and got her evaluated and she is now 4 1/2 and doing great, she goes to preschool in our town and also a private preschool where I have had an expert in child behavior go into the school to observe her and give the school ideas (not change my daughter) on what to do to help her, which they were reluctant at first, but after they saw it working and my daughter was attending during circle and storytime, they have changed there whole program. A 3 year old should not be expected to sit for more then 5-10 minutes at a time, and alot of these circle times are 20 minutes long and child gets restless and bored. It might not be your son, it might just be the program he is in.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but if you want to talk more, let me know :)

Good Luck,
B.

Hi S.,

When my son was having some wild behavior and having a hrad time listening, I spoke with my pediatrician and the first thing he asked about was his sleeping habits. How much sleep he was getting, was he snoring, waking up, etc. He said that these type of behavior issues are very common in kids with sleep deprivation and once they get more sleep 50% of the behaviors disappeared. My son had given up his nap and once we started putting him to bed a 1/2 hr earlier we saw a big improvement.

So maybe once the ENT can take a look and solve the snoring, he will be able to rest easier.

C.

It sounds to me like he possibly doesn't feel confident and ready enough for preschool. My 3 year old was the same way and cried just about every day I took him from September to February! Luckily he had a wonderful teacher who just understood that all he has known is me since he was never in daycare. Then he made a friend last year who has turned out to be his best buddy. Now this year in the 4 year old class, he is much more confident but I know it's because of his friend. Next year, his friend is going to kindergarten but we are keeping our son back and putting him in Pre-K because I just don't think he is ready for all day kindergarten.

You are correct in that they demand so much from kids these days and if they don't sit still and are disruptive, they right away want to evaluate them and put them on drugs for being overactive. In my mind, some children just aren't ready for the pressures of school. When I was little, we never went to a preschool at 3 and 4 years old. In fact I was 5 1/2 when I started kindergarten.

I would not worry. My son is better this year in the sitting still aspect but he does still chat more than he should and still moves around some. I have no doubt next year it will calm down even more. He just needs to mature some and maybe so does your son in his timing. :)

I was a supervisor at a preschool before I had my first child. One thing I noticed is two days a week at school was not good for a child because it to inconsistant. I sugest at least three days a week because by the time the child starts to get settled into a routine at school he is gone for four to five days and needs to start the process all over again.
As far as the ENT goes. My daughter visited the ENT last year. She had cronic ear infections, sinus infections, and snored. She had her tonsils and adnoids out last summer and has been so much healthier. She still gets sick but now it is much more normal child stuff that every week!

Hi S.,i understand your worries,first and foremost have the snoring, and sleep apnea evaluated by a professional,when my 22 year old was little he had many problemns, but they were narrowed to a learning disablility,instead of feeling bad or ignoring it, i got him all the help he needed,speech,everything and he is thriving today in college,you mention he is very bright,it may not be a learning disability in his case, but you must find the underlying problem as to why he is afraid all the time.If it is something beyond his control,a chemical imbalance or something else,punishing him won't help,it will take a lot of patience on your'e part until you find out,he is still young,but allowing him to hit his brother for no reason is not fair to his brother so until you find out,you will have to be firm and tell him if he hits, no playing video games,that's usually all that gets the attention of kids,i would definitely have him evaluated, and as far as medicating it seems so many doctors are so quick to medicate so many young children,that usually masks the underlying problem,have you modified his diet?chocolate and caffiene usually does strange things to childrens behavior,blood tests and allergy tests are usually a good idea,sometimes it is something we are not looking for,if your'e doctor does not cooperate and offer to perform all tests that are needed,i would find a doctor that will,this is your'e child and i am sure you will do whatever it takes, so he can feel better and thrive and be happy,while medication is good when absolutely necessary,i would resort to it only after all other options,methods have been exhausted he is still kind of a baby,it could be anything,we do not want to medicate our babies unless it is absolutely necessary,get him evaluated for the snoring and sleep apnea first to rule out any physical,medical conditions and then all the other tests,good luck and always follow that mother instinct that we have.E Newell.

i also have a stubborn son, he is 4. I feel that at there age with older siblings sometimes the young ones act out. i didnt put my son into preschool for two reasons, one he was not potty trained, and the other is he refused to go. that sound silly but he is very attached to me as i am a stay at homer too. with some children i think they are just not ready, and therefore should not go. if it is such a problem, who is benefiting from it? not the child, if he spends all his time there in timeout or not listening, what exactly is he learning being there? maybe one more year would be better.

As far as the preschool thing goes, I would stick it out... if you let him quit you are sending him a message that it's okay....he won't be able to quit kindergarden when that comes around...and it's only 2 days a week for probably a couple of hours...he'll be fine. Routine is the best thing you can give a strong willed child. Definitely go to the ENT, the outcome can only be a positive one....either he needs help and gets it or he doesn't need help and you've crossed somehing off your list...and as far as when to worry, well if you're like all the mother's I know that started the day you found out you were going to be a mom...and that's a good thing! I personally would like to err on the side of caution than wait to long. best of luck!

First off, I just want to let you know that you aren't the only one to go through this. Except for the apnea, your son sounds a LOT like mine. My kiddo was always scary smart, pretty clingy, fearful and wasn't crazy about going to preschool; once he got a buddy there he was better about it, and we were lucky enough to find a preschool with very patient, kind teachers. He was so fearful of being away from me that he wore a photograph of me around his neck for a long time. I still think it's a good idea to send him to preschool simply for the interaction with other kids and to let him know that the outside world doesn't have to be a scary place. I TOTALLY relate to the fearfulness---my son would holler for me at home a bizillion times a day just to check that I was there, always had to know where I was. Bedtime was always an exhausting ordeal; I cannot tell you how many nights, weeks, months long I'd have to stay in his room until he fell asleep because he was so scared, and I was exhausted from interrupted sleep in the middle of the night when he'd wake up terrified. We got our son evaluated after his pre-K teachers observed that he really wasn't interacting or playing with the other kids, and if he did, he just talked AT them like a little professor. He'd also do the sprawling on the floor thing and space out. Turned out he had/has sensory integration disorder (with just a touch of Asperger's thrown in). We got him into a sensory gym and play therapy and that helped a lot. Now that he's 9 1/2 it is obvious he also has ADD/ADHD (which I suspected from the very beginning, but was told wasn't an issue) which has been confirmed by a neuropsychologist; he also is--after a few years of the fears diminishing a bit--EXTREMELY anxious again and has developed rituals to deal with his "beliefs" (fears) that have gotten so extreme that they interfere with his daily life. I was weird about medicating him at first, too, but at this point I'm going for it both for the ADD and the anxiety. The TORMENT that he goes through is just too awful for him (not to mention ME!), and after years of OT and counseling and vision therapy it's time to take some medicine. I am grateful that such medication is available, to be honest, because he's really been suffering.

Now, I know that was not the most comforting thing to read from me---I am NOT saying your kid will be just like mine or that there is anything seriously wrong with him.
All that was a long-winded way of getting to my actual point about what I've learned from it: Worrying isn't productive. Take action. Go ahead and get him evaluated and take it from there. The time I spent worrying about my kiddo was pointless, it didn't help him, and it only exhausted me even more than the day-to-day dealing with the problems before I had any concrete ANSWERS as to what was "wrong" with him (and I imagine you are totally exhausted at this point, yes?).
Get some answers, and then take the appropriate steps to get him help if that's what the evaluation warrants. What's going on with your kiddo may just be stuff he WILL grow out of, but I'd say go ahead and get him evaluated. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself and angst too much over it---you're doing the best you can. And if he DOES need help, the sooner he gets it, the better off you'll all be.
xox

Let your child stay at home and just be a 3-year old. Stop pushing him. He is only 3 !!!!!!!!!!!

What child this age would want to be alone ?? He needs the comfort, safety and assurance that come with knowing that his mommy is near.

He may suck on this sleeve less when he feels secure.

Does he have toys that he could play with instead of the computer? He is only 3, remember. He needs simple toys available so that he can use and develop his imagination and learn to play independently as well as with other children.

Cherish every moment

D. T

Your son could have sleep problems and may indeed feel exhausted throughout the day. That wears on anyone.
I am not sure time-outs are the answer. My youngest childs pre-school does not use them and she would have had a horrible time if they had. He may not like his preschool. Or a child in the class. It may not be the place for him.

If he has sleep problems, the teachers should be more sympathetic.

I would also have a developmental test done after the sleep problem is addressed. My older son has high functioning autism (I am not suggesting your son does). But some sensory issues can be addressed without medication. I don't believe in medication either.

A lot of this really could be from the lack of proper sleep. I would take care of that first. Good luck.

Go to your local book store and immediately purchase the "Out of Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz. It describes a something called sensory integration dysfunction. You might find a lot of explanations in this book. Good Luck

I think you are doing the best you can for him. My child recieved and still recieves services for developmental concerns. I tend to agree with you, have him evaluated just to make sure and if he needs the help then he will get it. Trust your mothers instinct, you are doing a wonderful job!
Good luck

Deffinitly go to the ENT and possibly and allergist. As a child i had sleep apnea. When I wasn't sleeping well, my behavior was "not up to standards." I started with allergy shots and they almost took my adnoids out, but with medicine it seemed to help my breathing. Hopefully with more sleep you may start to see an improvement in his behavior at school.
Then there is the possiblitly of him have seperation anxiety. Just stay consisitent with your discipline and rewards.

I would suggest looking for another preschool if it is possible. Your son sounds like a very normal 3 1/2 year old. You want a preschool environment that has students sitting still for no more than 15-20 minutes at a time. Really, 20 minutes is too long to expect a toddler to sit still. Medicine is not the answer at this point. He does need to learn how to get along, but that shouldn't be through frequent time outs and long periods of sitting still. Children should be singing, talking and exploring for most of their preschool day, and the teacher should be coaching children during play rather than the lecture model we see later in the school years. Positive reinforcement is always more effective than punishment. Specific praise when he does the "right" thing and a simple, one thing at a time plan for improvement. Don't let inappropriate pressure to perform discourage you or your son.

Hi S.,
My daughter has a hard time sitting on the floor in school. They say it is possibly a sensory thing so they now have her sit in a chair with a back so she can lean into it. SHe says it helps. My daughter is also very restless and is now 7 yrs old. It seems to be getting better. In most cases I think they grow out of it. Medicine is prescribed way to easlily these days.
Good luck,
E.

It is really hard to give perfect advice when I have not personally observed your child so I will do my best based on what I've read.

First of all, 3 year old children do not need medication. Unless the child has a severe case of something, do not even worry about that - and if someone recommeds meds get a 2nd &/or 3rd opinion.

If he really hates it than take him out. 3 year olds do not need to be in any type of program unless they WANT to be there and since you are home than it is possible. Perhaps he just is not ready and that is ok.

Making him go at this age if he hates it will only teach him to have unnecessary anxiety about school. In order to give him the best start in his education he needs to have a healthy attitude about school. Take him out and let him grow. No he won't be like this forever. Use your time at home to show him how great school can be. Become more involved in your 6 year olds school activities and involve the 3 year old. Daily breakfast/dinner table conversations about how much fun school is for your 6 year old helps tremendously. After gushing about school (and after he gets over hating preschool) incorporate the fact that he will one day be in Kindergarten, get to ride the bus, have lunch in school etc.

Make it a positive experience and watch what you yourself say about school. if you say bad things about school your kids will have a bad attitude about it. For instance, when we have a snow day I always say something along the lines of "Oh that is too bad" never "Yay! No school!" Kids hear "Yay! No school" from you and that learn that well if mommy doesn't like it than I do not either. Make school out to be a special, fun exciting priviledge. This won't last forever but in the early years it will have an impact.

Other things to think about are the school & the teachers. Preschool children should not be given a time out for not being able to sit in circle. You need to take a good hard look at this school and their methods. If I ever saw them put my son in time-out for being a typical 3 year old than I would pull him out immediately and make my unhappiness as an educator very well known to the appropriate people. A good preschool teacher should have an early childhood degree or a Bachlor's or even better, a Master's. Preschool teachers absolutely need to understand the difference between developmental needs & defiance. Your son not listening and laying down in circle sounds more developmental than defiance. Meaning, he is doing exactly what a 3 year should be doing and his teacher should recognize that and handle the situation in a positive manner, not in a punishing, degrading, detrimental way.

Being willful and stubborn are no excuses for anything. My daughter is also willful and stubborn but she has always been taught that listening to & repsecting her teachers is not a choice. If your son hurts someone or is disrespectful that is when a time out is warrented as well as follow-up at home from both mom & dad.

There is tremendous growth and maturity from 3 years to 4 years old. Start him in preschool in September. 3 days a week for 2.5 hours is appropriate, or more.

Check to see if your school district has the Universal Prekindergarten program. It is a program strictly for 4 year olds and is paid for through the taxes you have already paid. If so find out when the screenings are (usually in April) and go! Most UPK programs use a lottery system after initial community needs are fulfilled. It varies by area. I was a teacher in this program. The program is phenominal and the teacher's are all certified and most will have their Master's degrees. It is 5 days a week and teacher's in this program are trained very well and their expertise is invaluable to you.

I think it is great you are going to an ENT because sleep apnea causes children to not get a restful nights sleep. This may also be why he is having a hard time.

I know I have thrown a lot at you. And if I had the time I could probably write another full page but I have to go. If you need anything please do not hesitate to pm me. My best to you.

A.

I don't know whether this is an answer, but I have a 7 yr. old boy who I put into playgroup at 2 since he is an only child and I was concerned about socialization. He started with 3 days a week and cried for about an hour when I left and if I came 1 minute later then another mom for her kid he cried until I arrived. They told me I should increase him to every day because it was too confusing. I listened and he cried every day instead of only 3 days per week. After 3 months of this he finally sniffled for only a bit when I left him, but still freaked if I was late.
In retrospect I truly believe that he just wasn't ready and we try to force kids into these playgroups/preschool when it really isn't appropriate--especially boys who are slower at everything emotionally. He still has a very hard time in school sitting in a seat all day though he mostly gets 90-100 on his tests (did we get tested so much in the 2nd grade?)
If your son is showing so many "reactions," maybe he just isn't ready. If you can do it, maybe give him a little more one on one mommy at home for a few more months and then start again with preschool. I wouldn't go with meds either--they told me my son had asthma because he couldn't shake a cough. I am a physical therapist and it didn't sound like an asthmatic wheeze to me, so I took him to a chiropractor/-natural medicine person who said it was just a viral infection, gave me homeopathic remedies and voila! No more cough.
Hang in there--the more security he gets now, the less he will need later and he sounds like an assertive child who if he has his needs met will become an assertive, sensitive caring man and not need to be stubborn and self-centered (like my husband!)

Hi S..

As others have said.. Yes I would follow up on the health stuff first, lack of good sleep is devistating to a child and to his behavior. Have him evaluated for any other issues, but do your reasearch too. Could be sensory rather than ADD and these kids are often misdiagnosed and given medication when a little occupational therapy would have been more appropriate. If there is any label given you will need to be a strong advocate and protector. Reading about temperament and temperament-based parenting has helped me so much. It may well turn out that you are dealing with a temperment that is a bit difficult but totally normal. Often in the school setting, there is not enough understanding or support for children who do not have the easier temperament, and punishments like time out make things worse because the child gets frustrated.

I loved the book Raising Your Spirited Child (Mary Sheedy Kurcinca), and it is very readable. She is so positive and loving about kids who are sensitive, stubborn and so on, and yes they tend to be very bright. The author helps parents to understand and embrace the child and to see the best in these qualities, which if valued and handled with understanding and appropriate limits can really serve a child well.

Also a web site I found very helpful and supportive.

http://www.nurturingourfamilies.com/spirited/index.html

you may want to check out their online resources link as well.

http://www.nurturingourfamilies.com/spirited/websites_spi...

All the best!

C.

My son is 6 and sounds very similar to your son. He also has difficulty sleeping but it's due to allergies. He can be stubborn too. Since he was smart I found that using humor often diffused many situations that arose. He is in first grade. He is also very bright but had issues with not wanting to go to school in Pre K and Kindergarten. This year I finally brought him to the Dr after speaking to his 1st grade teacher on numerous occassions about his in ability to complete his work even though he is very capable. He has had two different behavior plans this year with little success. I filled out a Vanderbelt Assessment Scale that I received from my his Dr. and his teacher filled one out as well. It turns out he has the ALL "symptoms" of ADD (innattentive qualities) but not ADHD (innattentive and hyperactivity) in addition to severe allergies. I am also a teacher and have seen both ADD and ADHD on many occassions over the years but it was still devasting to hear the diagnosis. Speak with your son's doctor candidly about all of his symptoms. I know that when I went to my Dr. when he was in Kindergarten he said let's see how he does in first grade and if the problems continue to occur we will talk then. You are on the right track with the behavior plan and your son is smart so with your support and additional support in the classroom setting he will be successful. I hope I was able to help you a little. Good luck with everything.

If your child has sleep problems, then all of his problems stem from that. I doubt he has ADD or ADHD. The poor baby just isn't getting enough restful sleep, therefore he acts out because he doesn't understand what's wrong. It's the only way het can let you know he has a problem. It's not that you need to worry, but you know your child best. If you feel there is a problem, act on your instinct. The fact that you didn't run out and put him on drugs to "fix" his behavioral problems tells me that you are a great mother. Congratulations for your patience. Take your son to the ENT, and go from there. Good luck.

"I also noticed he may have sleep apnea and i am bringing him to a ENT in March so I think he is waking up from this and then of course he is scared. He is snoring so much more and sometimes makes a strange gasp. Not all the time but we have heard it a few times. My pediatrician said to bring him to the ENT. I am concerned about his behavior but also just wonder is some of this things they can outgrow with time and maturity. " S. - this looks like a classic tonsil/adenoid issue. Definitely get him to an ENT. Some of my son's behavior issues went away after we had them removed because now he can get a good night's sleep. No one can behave when they are sleep deprived and yes, he could be tired in the morning if he has sleep apnea. Good luck!

High energy intelligent child. Why not try a dance class or two. Perhaps a Montessori type school would suit him more.

Start with the ent first. Sleep apnea can cause havoc
with a young child because they are not sleeping well.
Actually it plays havoc with adults too. I would do that
befor i start with evaluations. Sometimes it is a very
easy fix. Good luck.

Hi S.,

It sounds like there are three issues in your message:

1. Your son has some behavior difficulties with school
2. He has been hitting his sibling without provocation
3. Sleep apnea

The sleep apnea is an easy one for you - you're already taken steps to help with that by going to the ENT. Sleep has a tremendous impact on children's health and behavior (as it does with adults) and it would be interesting to see how improved sleep impacts his behavior at school.

Regarding hitting - Yes, it is normal for young children to hit, most often from a source of frustration. Keep track of when he is hitting ... Is he wanting attention? If so, how can you (or other family members) give him the attention he is needing? Is he frustrated about something? That may take some careful observations to determine if it at first appears that there is no provocation for his hitting. Set clear limits about hitting and be consistent but also watch for the message that he needs to give you at those times that he hits.

Regarding school behavior ... It is impossible to share an opinion or advice without more detailed information. Be sure that you are talking with the teachers and getting all the reasons that they have for suggesting and evaluation. What is the classroom environment like? Is it appropriate for the needs of your son? Do not be afraid of an evaluation - it is simply a process that can gather more information about your child and does not reflect on his school records (particularly if you choose to do an evaluation privately). Also, young children who have challenges at this age are not immediately medicated. You have ultimate control over whether your child is medicated or not. There's many other avenues to go before medication for any challenging issue with small children: nutrition, sleep, consistent environment, therapies (ot, pt, speech, etc.), and others.

I would encourage you to gather as much information from your son's teachers as possible, do some reading/research of your own, watch your son carefully (can you observe unobtrusively at his school?), and make some choices based on all of the information at hand.

Hope this helps,
L.

S.,
My 4 year old is the same way. When he was 2 1/2, he got kicked out of daycare for behavior and aggression problems. We had him evaluated and found out he had some speech problem that were effecting his behavior. He had a hard time using his words to communicate his feelings and the result was anger and aggression. When they evaluated him, they also found he has sensory problems that effect his behavior also. He had a hard time proccessing change in activities. He has been in speech therapy and occupational therapy for almost 2 years now, and he is a totally different person than he used to be. He is now in pre-k 5 days a week and it is much better for his transitioning because it is an everyday thing. He still has a hard time sitting in class, but the occupational therapist, the teacher, and I are still working on techniques that work for him. The key is to have good communication between you and the teachers and let them know what works for you and they can help you with techniques to use at home. I would get your son evaluated and try therapy first because you want him to be adjusted and ready for school when the time comes. A good pediatrician will not put him on medication until he is at least 6 years old because they do mature and with therapy, will grow out of a lot of the behavior problems by then. I hope that helps:-)

For whatever reason his teachers think he should be evaluated, just go for it. I don't wish anything wrong w/ anyone's child but it'll eliminate any possibilities. & if there is something wrong, it is better to learn to work w/ it now while he is still young. If not then you can look into what else you can do to help out the problem.

My son was diagnosed w/ PDD-NOS back in 05 & the services has helped him a lot. He made wonderful progress & seems to have beaten it 99.9%.

Best of luck! =)

I have not been through this. However, my first thought is have him evaluated for sleep apnea before anything else. If he has sleep apnea he's not getting enough restful sleep. He's probably waking several times a night, even though you only know about the ones where he comes to you. A lack of sleep can cause many, many problems. Once you get the apnea under control, go from there. If you know for sure he's sleeping better, and still having problems, then have him checked for other things. You didn't mention possible ADHD, but don't let anyone tell you he has that as such a young age. Usually that doesn't come out until a child is 5 or 6. Hopefully you can get his sleep problems under control, and everything else will fall into place. Good luck!

Hi S. -
My experience is more to do with sleep apnea. From my personal advice - I would not let anyone put my child on medicine until his sleep apnea is corrected. Your sons behaviors could be from an unrested toddler. Correcting sleep apnea can change one's life. It can cause headaches, day time falling asleep, irritability, and other healrh problems. From your description, it does sound like he has it too - maybe his tonsils are too big? He may be afraid to sleep alone because he may be waking up startled and gasping for air. It could also be causing nightmares. Try not to worry until you see what your ENT says... Please let us know how he does if you don't mind.

Hi S.,

What a tricky spot you are in. My heart goes out to you. I have a 4 year old with similar tendencies--at least he did. Until I read a lovely book called "Indigo Children". I wouldn't say I have an indigo child and certainly wouldn't say I could diagnose one, however, the results I got for my own son was dramatic enough to convince me of some truth to the idea. My little boy has always known exactly what he wants. When he was 1 1/2 to 3 years old he would often hit children for no reason except to find the most submissive child in the room. He seemed to have his agenda set and his expectations exact and if we didn't meet them--watchout, headbanging, hitting, almost hystaria. We had the best success with him when he was well rested, but even still he had rough days.

Then I learned something from him. My little boy needed to be trusted. I needed to listen to him and not push him to do things I wanted him to do for my benefit. Now don't get me wrong. We still have bounderies but I approached it much differently. This is what I learned.

1. They sense your subtleset motive!

Be honest. Admit your motives. They don't really care what they are as long as you are honest. For example if I'm feeling lazy one day, instead of trying to manipulate my children into watching a show so I can sleep, (which they don't really do for somereason when I need them too) I say, "kids, I'm really feeling lazy today, do you mind watching a movie for a little while while I sit here on the couch and do nothing?"--Magic, no problems, in fact on the other hand they treat me like gold, come and bring me pillows etc. . .

2. Say yes more. Our children want to be trusted and let their ideas be free--Not met all the time with this all powerful authority. Say yes more!

3. If you need to say no, say no and follow up with a frank and honest answer. Our children don't need authoritarian parents--they'll probably not respond.

4. Keep your promises. Or don't make one.

Now let me tell you the results of this. We decided to keep our son home from formal preschool this year, but rather start a joyschool with other moms in the neighborhoo--once a week we'd rotate houses. In addition to that, we signed him up for gymnastics once a week and a music class at Eastman once a week. For a barely 4 year old this was a full schedule. And he became the clingiest child I could've ever seen. He hated it. It got so bad that he would tell me during the day " I just don't want to be left alone all day" (keep in mind I AM home all day) All the while crying. Even if we would sit with him during his activities he rarely participated and often clung to our arms and legs not letting us leave him behind. It was so sad. And frustrating too. Finally, I remembered what I had learned. I was #1 honest with him. I explained very frankly that we enrolled him in these activities for no profit of our own. That they were just for him to enjoy and if he didn't want to participate he didn't have to.

We gave him several opportunities to back out of gymnastics first. Each day for a week I'd ask how he felt and restated why he was in the class. He decided to not go again. And actually came up with his own alternative to "have gymnastics at home and tumble on the floor." So we took him out without any questions.

The results? Beautiful! If he needed me to stay at the other activities, I'd say yes and not worry anymore because the activity was for him to enjoy and not to dread. And believe it or not 8-9 out of 10 times, about 15 min into the activity he'd say I could go. No more sneaking out, no more bribing or manipulating. I would often reinforce to him, and me too, that the activity is for him and we didn't care if he was great at what he did or why he went, we just wanted him to enjoy the class and thought he'd really benefit by it. In short, he loves and trusts his music class. He loves and trusts his preschool teachers and he goes happily and on the days he doesn't feel like going alone, we don't make a big deal about it but talk to him honestly stay for a while and when he's ready he'll let us go. Besides, I know there will come a time in our children's lives when they won't want us around at all. And that time is coming sooner than we realize. Best of luck and keep enjoying your little boy. Don't worry. Just get him some good rest and ENJOY him there's no rush!

V.

If he is suffering from sleep apnea then he might really be tired, which causes him to lay on the ground and generally be grumpy. That is wonderful that you are having him evaluated - who knows, maybe he is just stubborn, but there also might be things you (and his preschool) can do to help him through his terrible threes (which I am told are harder than the 2s) - he might be at the beginning of being ADD or ADHD, and behavioral therapy can be really lifechanging, even for the little ones.

Hope the ENT is helpful. GOod luck.

It sounds like the snoring might be his adnoids.. near his tonsils... My friend had to have her son's adnoids taken out.. she recorded his snoring and let the dr. hear it when she brought him in to the dr. It was quick surgery.. and now he sleeps much better. As for pre-school.. what kind does he go to? is it very structured? Some schools are less structured and a little more fun for this age.. maybe check one of those out.. it might help.. good luck...

Hi S.,

First, as a teacher, I applaud you for being willing to take your child for assessing. When I was working I had so many parents who were so afraid of a possible diagnosis that they refused to even test their children and instead let them struggle and suffer in school. Testing is the best thing to start with. What you do with the results is totally up to you, and nobody can force you to medicate your child if you don't want to. (Although in certain circumstances I've seen it greatly improve a child's experience at school.)

It sounds to me like your son may have some legitimate difficulties that would require intervention. You're doing the right thing by following up, as early intervention is absolutely key in helping kids thrive. Good luck!

S. - I don't have any experience like this but one thing struck me when reading your note. If your son does have sleep trouble, then maybe he really is tired at pre-school and can't focus. I think you are right in getting his sleep evaluated first and then take it from there. I also think you are right in tackling these issues early on before he becomes school aged. Good luck with everything! There is nothing like a mom's intuition so trust yourself!

Do not worry. Your son is going to be okay. I have a two-year old, but I'm writing more as a teacher. I teach 1st/2nd grade. I work with children who have all kinds of needs and learning differences. It's great that you are so open to finding out more about your son. NYU Child Study Center is a really good place for evaluations. Beth Israel also does them. Ask around.

If the reward programs help at home, perhaps you can ask them to do a similar system at school. Do not be afraid or hesitant to advocate for your son at his school. Yes, you can get the evaluation to find our more about your son. But the school and teachers should also be working to figure out ways to make school a happier place for him.

The most important thing is that you are seeking help now. You want school to be a joyful, happy experience for him. When you look for schools for him in the future, you want to be sure you ask lots of questions and that the school and teacher are open and skilled at working with all kinds of children. They should see children as individuals. This is going to be important for your son.

You are on the right track! Good luck,
Dianne

S.,

I would be concerned as well. I would definitely have your son see the ENT to get him help with his sleep apnea. It sounds like he is not getting enough sleep and is struggling due to that. As for the preschool, I wold be concerned about their lack of concern. If you are hearing only negative comments about your son, I would investigate how they are teaching. With young children, you need to meet their basic needs first before you can expect them to sit still and pay attention. One thing I did with my daughter at her preschool was I would visit and observe how they are teaching and meeting my daughter's needs. I volunteered at the preschool as a helper with putting up bulletin boards, preparing meals, etc. This way I was hlepful, but also able to observe. It also helped my daughter to see that I was around from time to time and did not desert her (she had seperation anxiety). Also check the rules and how the teachers give consequences (for both good and bad behaviors). The rules and consequences may not be right for your son.
But, most of all do not give up and stay on the course you are on with your son. It sounds like your beliefs and concerns are right on track. Don't give up. You baby is worth every bit of help and understanding you can find. Best of luck. Deb

Quite honestly, if he has sleep apnea, and is waking up in the middle of the night, and/or snoring very badly, his quality of sleep is being affected, and there is a direct correlation between lack of sleep and behavior, as all of us well know!! I would NOT put him on medicine for this yet, especially since you say he is laying down in circle time= definitly tired from not getting enough quality sleep at night. I hope this helps! Good luck and God bless you and yours, V.

Hi S., this is my first time responding on momasource so i hope this helps. It is possible that this school is just not the right fit for your son. It sounds like they are not responding to his needs and therefore he does not feel comfortable, protected and safe. If they are giving you negative feedback all the time without helping him work out his anxiety it could back fire and only get worse. I do recommend getting him tested because you will feel better, but I just think this school just might not be the right fit.
Wishing you all the best! Lauren (I am a birth and postpartum Doula)

Hi S.,

My children have special mild neorological difficulties, which are still being evaluated.
I am a member of Yahoo group for Special Needs kids.
I believe it is called, Homeschool_Specialneedskidz or
something to that effect. Do a search in groups and you
will find it.
Many ladies there have children with similiar problems
and would have lots of advice as to what you can do for
your son.
Blessings & Prayers,
E.~

My thought is hurry, get him to an ENT. An adult who has sleep apnea is often depressed. You son could be dealing with the apnea as well as separation anxiety etc. So I would get the medical items out of the way. The go for the emotional. Also it sounds as if he could maybe have some hyperactivity. (but dont let them tell you he needs drugs) The specialist now tell us almost all kids are hyperactive. There is some studies that show, children that learn 1 on 1 thru telivision and computer have a harder time dealing with classroom situations. check into it.

S.-
if you think he is not sleeping well, that may be the reason. i notice when my kids don't sleep well, they are edgy/cranky/tantrummy. if he is a chronic poor sleeper, he may not be able to sit still and pay attention because he is over tired. do you think he is too young for preschool? my oldest turns 3 this summer and i am pretty sure i will not be signing him up for preschool. i may wait until he is 5 to just start kindergarten. every kid is different. i would wait to hear about the ENT and see if sleeping better helps his attention span. i don't have any experience with this, but he is also only 3, should he be able to sit still? i have 2 boys (2.5 and 18months) and they are very active and very loud. we read stories every afternoon naptime and bedtime, and my 2.5 can't always sit and listen at afternoon nap time. i tried to read a book first that gets him active (like If you are happy and you know it clap your hands-i forget the author, but check the library). good luck, A.

Hi S., I am new at this website my girlfriend sent it to me. I have two kids also a boy 4 1/2 with PDD (Autism) and a girl that is 8 1/2. My son is in a public preschool class every day for 5 hours. His class is very good at dealing with children with behaviors and helping parent handle these behaviors. Your son my be able to get into this program. The class alway talks about prositive reinforcements and has training class for parents to go to. Do you live in Barnegat?

Hi S... I, too, have a strong-willed 3 year old (he's a red head and you know what they say about red heads!!!) he will be 4 in April and I've definitely noticed a big change in him as he has gotten older. I think you need to embrace who he is. I mean have him evaluated, but I, too am against meds unless they truly need it and I think 3 is too young to tell (I'm a nurse and work in both hospital and pediatrician office). My son goes to preschool two mornings a week and it was very hard in the beginning for him to let go of me. but once he's there he loves it! It may just be your son's temperament and that is who he is going to be, so stick to your guns and use your rewards since that seems to help! He will get more mellow as he matures more. hang in there!!!