When Your Child Doesn't Get Along with Someone in Class

My son's kindergarten had the five finger rule. First you told the child bothering you to stop. Then you moved away from the child. If that didn't work you moved towards the teacher. If that still didn't work, you told the teacher. It worked really well. I am apparently missing a finger.

When kids did have altercations - and yes - 5 year old still push and hit sometimes because they are still learning self control - the teacher sat down with the two kids and had them talk. The teacher might guide but was really just there to help the kids problem solve themselves.

The teacher should be able to separate them - especially after this incident. I know plenty of kids who pushed, hit, etc in K and never had a problem again.

This too will pass.

I have been on both sides of this. I have a son who does sometimes have a hard time reading social cues. Last year, in kindergarten, he did get hit a few times by a kid who he considered his 'best buddy'... that boy would say "I'm going to play with so-and-so now" or "I want to play by myself"... my son didn't honor that a few times and ended up getting hit. I told him that it was a bummer he was hit, and that when people tell you repeatedly to back off, and you ignore them, they do sometimes get frustrated and hit. Because they are young and hey, you aren't respecting their space. In that situation, I made it clear that if he didn't want his friend to hit him out of frustration, *listening* to him and leaving him alone would be the best option.

He's also been bullied this year at school (different kid, covert hitting/punching/kicking-- and not provoked) and so we are working on helping him speak out when this happens. He now has a safety plan in place for him at school. After he was hurt by the other boy a couple weeks ago, I pulled him out until they could create a safety plan and ensure me the boys would NEVER be left alone together. It is working well so far.

My advice would be to come at the situation from a position of "I want to empower my kid to get help" instead of "I want you to fix that other kid" (the one following DD around). I would ask the teachers to help your daughter find good/appropriate ways to separate from this kid and to ask for help. Frankly, I CAN understand why the hitting happened in this regard. Not that it's right, but if your daughter doesn't have the teacher's support to stay away from this kid following her around, it's not a stretch of the imagination for me to think that your girl finally thought "enough is enough" and reacted pretty typically.

(Let it be said-- I am NOT excusing the behavior, but I think I do understand how it came to be.)

So that would be my advice-- ask the counselor and teacher directly: "When Daughter is feeling like the other kid won't leave her alone, even when she's asked them to leave her alone, what do you want her to do? How can we ensure that Daughter isn't going to be continually pestered by this kid? Because this is causing her a lot of stress." **Put it back to them.** That is what I had to do in my son's situation; I assured the school that I would do everything I needed to on my end to reinforce the safety plan/concepts AND I also put the responsibility for finding safe and manageable options for my son back on the school. The school is working with the other child, but as that child's parents don't hold him accountable, we may have a long road ahead. The least they can do, though, is to ensure your daughter has safety at school, and that includes others respecting her person and her personal space.

At this point, frankly, I am less worried about my kid getting into a little trouble if it means that they are standing up for themselves as a last resort to what's going on. Yes, she should have gone to the teacher-- how does the teacher respond? Are her requests for help being honored, or dismissed? Those are things I would want to know.

ETA: I loved what SH wrote: "The kid being bothered and HARASSED, should NOT have to... be the one that MANAGES, the aggressor, NOR should the child be expected to, do that.The SCHOOL and the TEACHER, should be handling it and the aggressor."

I am sorry this happened!

I think a key detail surfaced in your SWH addition: Your daughter does move to get away from this other girl, which is the right way to react, but the other girl follows her. That MUST stop and the teacher is the one to stop it. Your daughter should be told -- by the teacher, not just by you -- that every single time your girl moves away and this girl follows, your daughter must come directly to the teacher, that moment, no matter what's happening. This is going to be tough because if the class is doing something or the teacher is busy with someone else your child will probalby think "Oh, I can't do that now, teacher is busy" but the teacher needs to give your child full and clear permission to come stand next to the teacher every time the other girl follows like this. If the teacher is doing a lesson with some smaller group within the class, or is talking to someone, etc. it still should be set up so that your child simply gets up and stands right by the teacher until the teacher is ready to talk to her.

Your daughter needs a safe haven when this other girl invades her space. Your daughter pushed because she was at the end of her tether and was trying to re-take her space by shoving this girl out of it, literally.

I would tell the teacher you want to work with her to work out a strategy for what your child will be told to do every single time. The fault is with the other kid for having zero sense of space, for the "I don't care" attitude etc. but your own child is the one in trouble for good reason. I would do everything I could to get the teacher to commit to letting your child do this. Yes, some teachers will say "But then every kid will run up to me for the tiniest problem! I can't let that happen" but a good, experienced teacher would indeed devise a safe haven for your child to physically get distance from this child. And a good teacher knows that it does not create a precedent for every other child if the teacher says "Sally can do this."

The teacher and principal need to be more assertive with this other child's parents too. They will never tell you what they do or don't discuss about another child or with other parents but I would be very clear that your child is doing her best to "use her words" and remove herself which are her only options, but this other child persists and must be dealt with - they must work with that other child and not just yours.

The teachers need to address the other child's behaviors because to my knowledge - "hands to yourself" is a MAJOR rule in school. Picking someone up and hugging in class is NOT appropriate behavior. Your daughter was the aggressor in THIS case, but the other child is being very inappropriate with her behavior.

Now, my son is on the autism spectrum, integrated in the classroom. He can be clueless on occassion, but one thing I always reinforce is the school rule "hands, feet, objects to yourself". A diagnosis is not an excuse. If the other child has a diagnosis, then her parents need to work with her on rules at school (social stories, etc.), the OT and whatever other team at school needs to be reinforcing this as well.

Let your daughter know to go to the teacher immediately. Let the teacher know that you have told your daughter to seek help because this is an ongoing issue and that the other child is too physical.

I have a slightly different take than the moms before me. I think the other girl was the aggressor, not your daughter. She is much bigger, and she was in your daughters face after being asked to move. That's intimidating, especially with a history of the other girl forcibly picking her up. Since this is out of character for her I'm guessing she was scared, I would be if a much bigger person with a history of unwanted physical contact was looming over me and refusing to back off.

Your daughter shouldn't have pushed her. You know that, no doubt now she knows that. At this point I would ask the teacher/principal very bluntly what they are going to do to keep this child away from my daughter for both of their sakes.

Your DD has be bothered all year long by a space invader, she finally has had enough and according to the school she is the with a problem. She is not a bully, she had a moment of misjudgment and won't happen again. Social skills in Kindergarten are so extreme. Back to the basics, hands to yourself. You can remind her on a regular basis. Sweep it under the rug with school, they can take pushing very seriously. They might not be on your side, but the other kids. Ask them what your child should do when this other kid keeps comes up to her, because it is not happening the other way around.

A more concrete suggestion is to role play with your daughter. First, have her act like the girl did, and you model acceptable ways to handle it - first ask her to stop, etc, then go and tell the teacher. Then, switch roles and you be the aggressor, and let her practice how to handle it.

I think the meeting with the teacher is essential in this, because you can flat-out ask the teacher - I know the pushing isn't acceptable, so how do you want my child to handle this? Then that is what you can show your child when you role play.

I don't think your daughter needs to move classrooms. The teacher should be able to handle this by seating them apart in the room, keeping them in different groups during group work. She can even tell them they are not allowed to sit together at lunch. It's mostly on the playground that your child will need the role-play skills, because teachers don't have as much control there, so specifically ask how they want your daughter to handle the other child at recess.

And, it is totally ok to tell her she doesn't have to be friends with this child. She has to be polite and respectful, but she doesn't have to be her friend.

From reading your post, you're on the right track. Your daughter needs to let someone know when they are bothering her, by both telling them and then moving away. You've taught your daughter to do this which is good. The other very important step is for her to tell the teacher as soon as it happens, I'm sure that is what her teacher is planning to do with your daughter from now on. Sounds like the classroom teacher needs to work with the other girl on what it means when someone says "stop" and what respecting someone's space means. That's a lesson for ALL kindergarten students, this is a very common problem at this age because they are all learning to treat each other kindly, some struggle more with it at this age than others. It isn't unheard of that your daughter got so upset to the point that she felt she had to hit the other child, it's just too bad it got to that point in the first place. The teacher (and you) need to explain to your daughter why hitting isn't the answer and that she needs to notify the teacher from now on.

This other girl should not be interfering with your daughter's ability to function/learn in the classroom. It is the classroom teacher's job to be sure that isn't happening, I hope when you met with the teacher they were able to work out a plan!

We can't control other people, we can only control ourselves.

The fact is, this world is full of annoying people. The number one most effective way to deal with them isn't to "talk" with them, it's to avoid them. It sounds like your daughter has no problem speaking up for herself, and that's great in some situations....but it sounds like, in this situation, it might be best for your daughter to keep her mouth closed, and eyes and hands to herself, so this other girl's interest will move on somewhere else.

Which one initiates the physical contact?
Honestly, if this other girl started it then I think the pushing is justified and the other kid should be working with the teachers to learn about keeping her hands to herself.
The first one to get physical (does any touching) is in the wrong.
I'm not going to tell my kid not to defend himself - he doesn't have to be anyone's punching bag.
If anyone bothers our son I tell him to loudly say to stop, say it again louder if it continues, if it's still going on then tell the teacher (and tell the teacher if she doesn't stop it then he will make sure it stops - anything that happens after than makes it the teachers fault for not intervening) and if after 3 tries he's still being bothered then he has my permission to punch the kid and we'll sort it all out in the principals office.
To date he's only ever had to give anyone a 2nd warning before they backed off.
(A boy was deliberately standing on my son's heels while waiting in the lunch line. My son told him to stop, and this kid kept doing it. So my son turns around and tells him "Look - you need to stop. Because if you don't, then I'm going to have to stop you - and you are not going to like it.")
It also helps that he's a black belt.
The more he knows that he can handle himself, the less inclined he is to use his moves on anyone.
If I were you I'd sign your daughter up for taekwondo.

Where was the teacher when this other kid was getting in your daughter's face and touching her when she didn't want it? If this has been going on, why is it a new situation to the teacher?

I'm not discounting the shove, but it's obvious to me (an outsider) that your daughter had enough and she wasn't going to take it anymore. Hopefully, this little barnacle will detach herself from your daughter and cling to someone else.

You need to tell your daughter that if another kid is bothering her, she needs to speak to an adult in the room - especially when the other kid will not leave her alone. And if your daughter tells you about a kid that is bothering her, why didn't you bring it to the teacher's attention? I see missed opportunities all around here.

Good luck. I hope the kid leaves your daughter alone now.

You said you have had issues with your own daughter this year, so maybe there is more to the story than you are getting/giving. To blame "Asperger's" on the other child's behavior is something I find offensive. From what you wrote, your daughter was the physical aggressor. That is unacceptable. Period. You need to discipline her accordingly, and THEN set up a meeting at school where you let them know that your child is not to be around this other child. Most schools also have social skills groups for kids who aren't getting along, or don't know HOW to get along. It sounds like both kids could benefit from an adult-led play situation.

There's 2 sides to every story. Someone at your child's school probably has an impartial take on what is going on. I would suggest you seek that person out, and listen to what they are observing between your daughter and the other child.

My son had a love/hate relationship with another boy in his kindergarten class last year. I told my son that if they had trouble getting along he needed to play with other kids. This would work some days and not other days.

I later learned that this boy and my son also went to the same daycare after school. After talking to their teacher and the daycare teachers, we realized that the two of them actually got along really well sometimes and were very much alike (personality and temperament and maturity level).

This year they are not in the same class. They are at the same daycare and in Cub Scouts together. I have really gotten to know the other boy's mom. Maybe we lucked out, but I really like the mom, and the boys really do get along. They are both high energy and really feed off each other. And now that they do not spend most of their waking hours in the same room, they get along much better.

Talk to the teacher and see what you can find out. That really is the best thing to do.

With all due respect, I'd like to recommend that you look at the situation a little differently.

Your daughter shoved this other little girl, right? Then, honestly, your job is to help your daughter find another way to resolve her problems. No matter how annoying this other little girl may be, getting in another kid's face, not leaving when asked to leave, these are not justifications for hitting, pushing, etc.

Now, we're all "partisans" for our own kids. We all see our own children in a wonderful glowing light. And if you do that, naturally, it says good things about you. But the other side of the coin is, you're the only person who can really help your daughter redirect her behavior. And you NEED to foucs on THAT, not what the other child did to provoke it, becuause otherwise you will unintentionally be giving out a license to shove.

So, I would stop even thinking about this little girl. Her issues are her parents' problem, not yours. Instead, sit down with your own daugther and start working constructively on a solution. As in, "Honey, I think we have a problem here. 'Sally' was annoying you, and no one likes to be annoyed, but it sounds like the only solution you thought of was to shove her. And shoving gets you in big, big trouble. So what we need to do, right now, is think of other ways to solve the problem of being annoyed. Let's make a list of all the good ways to fix this problem. I bet we can think of 20 ways! Because shoving is not ever, ever okay."

I should also say, I'm the mom of a 7-year-old with "space invader" tendencies, a little bit. He's academically very advanced, but he has some social delays. He's extremely well behaved, never any trouble in class, but he has a hard time reading body language. The behaviors of the little girl in your daughter's class, he wouldn't do that, but he does miss some cues about personal space. I would honestly be devastated (and mad) if another child hit my son just for standing too close. But if the other child told the teacher, and the teacher redirected both the kids, I'd think said other child had wonderful parents, who had taught their little one wonderfully, exceptionally well.

I've always to my kid that he doesn't have to be "friends" with everyone in his classes, but that everyone had an equal right to be in that classroom and he has to respect everyone in it.
So shoving? Falls under "disrespectful" and deserves a consequence.
Talk to her about alerting a teacher, letting words go in O. ear and out the other, being clear about her statements, etc.

Where is the teacher when other kid is following your daughter around. The teacher should have enough control over a kindergartner and able to keep them separated. Speak with the teacher again.

My son punched a kid on the bus last year in grade 1 because the kid was obnoxious. He isn't normally violent. At this age they have no filter and they can be physical. They weren't in the same class but were at the same bus stop so the driver separated them and we had to catch him as soon as he got off the bus or they would shout at each other all the way home. After a summer apart they have become sort of friends and getting to know the other boy I kind of understand why my son hit him. He is the meanest child. Where is your guidance counselor in this? Contact her as she should be able to mediate a solution between these girls.

You need to try to find out if the other child has some sort of problem with personal space, etc. That will go a long way in understanding your daughter's motivation to shove. ADHD kids often have that problem. So it may be something this girl has a hard time controlling. Talk to your daughter about that possibility. This is a good learning opportunity for her. There are always going to be people in this world that rub us the wrong way; you have to learn to deal with them. That said, she's in kindergarten; you and the school can only expect so much. Talk to her about ways to manage the situation - she may have to be the one to get up and move away or she may have to get accustomed to ignoring this girl. These school dramas usually have a way of working themselves out. My son's "arch enemy" (his words) in elementary school ended up being a good friend in middle school. One day they literally said, "why aren't we friends?" and neither one had a clue. They had just rubbed wrong from the start and couldn't even remember why!

I do hope the school is addressing this with the other child as well and not just placing all the blame on your child. It would irk me too if someone was in my face all the time. Still, physical violence is not an answer and you have to impress that upon your child.

In the interest of protecting my own daughter, I would ask that she be switched to another class. I'm pretty sure that as a child, I would have done the same thing your daughter did if another kid kept clinging to me and wouldn't leave me alone. 35 years ago, I probably would have been in the right. Now, I probably would be in big big trouble.

Do other parents know this girl and hear similar stories about her behavior? If not, then maybe it is your DD who is the aggressor. Either way, you are wise to get to the bottom of things. And if you do end up having your daughter moved to another class, try not to let her feel bad about it, but sell it as an opportunity for her to get some relief from the other girl. Good luck!

She is young and still learning to deal with her emotions. They get frustrated and sometimes lash out. Perhaps not the right thing to do, but they have to learn and she will learn from you. When you see her get upset, try to teach her to let it go, brush it off, and move on. Remind her that is what time out was about, but she is getting too old for that.

My daughter deals with a sometimes friend who picks and chooses when they are friends. She kicks my daughter from time to time and also will kick a basket that rams into her leg. I tell my daughter she cannot do anything back other than if she catches that leg in her hand, let it be known not to do it. She tells on her, but I take it the teacher knows this is a maturity issue. When the little one gets in trouble she hits her head. I have seen her do this myself. I feel bad for her, cause one day she is going to hurt that precious little brain.

I suggest listening to a point and helping her decipher the difference between important things and drama. If it is drama, we just say, "Oh, so it was drama then", to let her know that it is not that important.

You will have many years of this. Brace yourself.

I'd have that kid over at our home for a playdate. I have done it before. Turns out the kids became friends after that.

But..it started out with me wanting to see this kid for myself and my eyes on him or her.

Good luck and best wishes!