When Your Child Is Hospitalized (Visiting Question)

All you can do is the best you can, and tell everyone else to mind their own business. When my child was hospitalized both times I never left, not even to get food, I had what I needed brought to me, even when that meant I had to leave my older son with a friend since my husband was deployed. But I am a stay at home mother so I did not have a job to worry about. You do the best you can with you own personal situation.

Blessed Be

I don't think it's necessary to be with an infant all the time if they are hospitalized, especially if you can't hold them. They are well cared for, and most working parents need to save their time for later when the child is discharged home.

It's different if the child is older and aware of whether or not you are there. Then it is more important to be present in the hospital as much as possible to support them emotionally.

I was hospitalized several times as a baby and my mom never forgave my dad for going to work rather than staying with me. Guess what? The only way I know about it is that my mom brings it up at least once a year for the last 40 years.

To those who judge...are they volunteering to sit at the hospital? Don't worry about what others say and get rid of your guilt. Right now he is in good hands and this baby may very well need you at home when he is released from the hospital. Work while you can and trust he is being cared for, that is my opinion.

You do what you can. Don't worry about what the others are saying to you and behind our back.

When my son who was a foster to be adopted child was sick, I was there as much as possible when I was not working. The doctors and nursing staff are used to parents being there and not being there. I did feel sorry for an infant that was the same age as mine whose parents were never there. The baby had several tubes in him and IV's and one in his head. I really wanted to hold him but there was no way. I feel your pain there.

As to visiting, visit when you can as you do have other obligations at home and they must be attended to as well or resentment may set in. Do spend a bit of time with the child at home so that they know you think about their feelings and well being.

The job I had and the time like 40 years back when bosses were not too into mothers in the workforce I had to leave and find another when my son was better. His wife had a child about the same age and had problems that was okay but I was not so there was a bit of a double standard there.

Know in your heart of hearts that this "foster" child is your child and you would do anything for him to keep him safe and happy. As another person stated, are the nay sayers coming to visit and care for this child? No. Then they have no legs to stand on.

My best to you and a speedy recovery for your little guy.

the other S.

PS Hospitals start to all look alike after the third day and you do find where all the snacks are stashed so that you raid the cupboard(s).

I'd be there all the time, if I wasn't there then hubby would be. Since you have other kids, I would trade off. Work wouldn't be on my horizons at all, that's what FMLA is for. Not to scare you, but if he has flu and pneumonia and is on a vent, his situation is far from stable and to predict when he will come off the vent is just that, a prediction. There are no guarantees, especially for those at highest risk for flu related deaths. My previously healthy friend died a month ago after only a day in ICU (and a few hours on the vent) from complications of the flu so this is a touchy subject for me right now. I've never had a foster child, but I would treat one just like my own. Prayers for your little one's recovery.

No matter what you do there's always going to be someone who disagrees with what you are doing. You need to do whatever works for your family. Your foster child is in good hands and the nurses will give him the additional love and attention when you or your husband are not there. He's too young to know who is taking care of him. Please don't beat yourself up over this situation. It stinks but hopefully he'll pull through and be home soon.

Well, all *I* can comment on is when my child was in the hospital.
He was intubated, sedated, and the doctors told me he was going to die. I stayed by his bedside day and night, only leaving to go to the bathroom or eat at the cafeteria..... I actually didn't eat for 3 days. When he was no longer sedated, I was by his bedside all day long and then slept at the hospital. When he was finally in recovery (after 5 weeks) I stayed in the room with him. I NEVER went home the whole 7 weeks we were there.
I can't answer for your situation. But I would probably be the person that doesn't understand how you can't be by his bedside.
L.

If my son was in the hospital, DH or I would be there all the time. When my dad was in the hospital last year, one of our family was there from 8 am until 10 pm (he wanted to be alone to sleep) for over a month. And he was an adult who understood everything that was going on. However your baby is really too young to be aware of who is taking care of him.

How large a company do you and your husband work for. If the Family and Medical Leave Act applies - use it. That is what it is for.

My firstborn was in the NICU for the first 13 days of his life. Because I had a c-section I wasn't able to drive myself there every day. I had to wait for my husband to get home (he was working overnights at the time, in a field where you just can't take several days off unexpectedly) to take me to see him. It was hard. I felt guilty for not being there more, but took solace in knowing that he was in very good hands.

Your co-workers should keep their mouths shut. It sounds like you're there for him more often than we were able to be there for ours, and you're doing the best you can.

I wouldn't worry about whatever other people are saying, period. This is still a very ill, sick child , foster child or not. You and hubs are doing the right thing, as long as you are getting updates on the status of this baby, daily you shouldn't wear yourselves out trying to be there ALL the time. With hubby there at night, you can fit in time where you can. You do have a job and other kids at home. Or maybe you and hubs can alternate depending on your schedules. I applaud you for taking foster children in, it takes special people to do that and do it for the right reasons. Wish you,your family and this tiny one the Best, C. S.

I think you are doing what you can. If it were an older child I would worry about being there more, but an infant isn't going to feel "scared" like an older child. I am sure the nurses are doing fine with him. Plus, if he is sedated he really won't know.

If you have to "save up time" I think you are right to wait until he is awake more for you to be there. Not sure how much time you are allowed to take off of work.

I think you have the right idea to wait until he is awake and you are able to have contact with him. I'm not saying don't go, but it sounds like both you and your husband work. I think it's best that you save your leave time to when you can be helpful to your son instead of just sitting there all day long. He is being taking care of. My sister got the same reactions when her son was in the NICU when she returned to work. But when he came home, she was able to take off a couple of weeks to be with him because she had saved her time. The doctors and nurses are there to take care of your son, you need to take care of you and the rest of your family what ever way you see fit. Praying for your son.

I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. Your husband is there with the baby and you are caring for the other children and trying to hold up at work as well.

We just went through this with my niece. She was in the ICU for a month and a half. We all took shifts. My sister stayed with her during the day and when I got off work, I went straight to the hospital. Her boyfriend was there often as well. We did leave her overnight without a family member there.

You are doing the best you can. Don't let other people upset you based on how they think they would handle the situation.

When she passed, I was at work a few days later. My coworker asked what I was doing at work. I had already used my time while she was in the hospital and would still need a few days for her service. One never knows, until they walk in your shoes.

As another foster mom, God bless you. I became a stay at home mom when our first was placed at 5 weeks old. Had this been our situation, I would have been there full time. But it's not. You and your husband are both still working, so I believe you're doing what's best for him at this point and agree you should be there when he's awake. I know this little guy is in good hands with your family and hope he stays with you as long as he needs to, whether or not that leads to adoption.

Feel free to PM me if you need / want to. I get it.

ETA - don't let your co-workers make you defend your actions ... From either angle.

For all intents, right now YOU ARE his parents and are providing him a safe, loving home ... Just like you are doing for the other children in your house. You have a family and jobs to balance and are doing your very best. If they can't find a way to help or be supportive, they need to BACK OFF.

Our daughter need up in the NICU few days after she was born. I was devastated that I would not be able to actually stay with her nonstop. I wanted as much as possible to be there with her.

We could not hold her or feed her she was so ill. So we went when we could. There were only certain hours we could be there anyway.

You go when you can. You do your best. Keeping busy is probably the best you can do right now.

I am sending you strength.

I think your doing great. Its ok you have to work and provide for your family. Thats important also... and your all working out "shifts." Your 'not ill' children are very important also. So you have to factor in a regular 'shift' with them too every day. I'd do what you can to be there a chunk of time in all the places you need to be each day. "Shifts" are great. I work in a hospital and it seems from my experience to work out best for all involved. You need balance too, our your not going to be at your best possible. Everyone needs a break, even if the break is to do something else that's needed (aka change of environment). Maybe extended family can help with this too. Im so sorry for your child and I'm going to keep him in my thoughts and prayers.

When my first were born--triplets at 34 weeks, 2 days--I got the same thing, and the same guilt. I had a C-section so also had to take care of myself. My husband would take me to the hospital in the mornings, I would stay until early afternoon and then go back later in a cab. They did stay for 2, 2 1/2 and 3 weeks but did not have big problems and we could hold them all we wanted. I sometimes felt like I needed to be there 24/7.
There was another baby there, born full term but sick. Her parents hardly came in. I thought it strange at first but once they did come in and mom could not hold it up. She just had a total breakdown so I saw why she kind of avoided it.

When my son was in the hospital a couple of years ago for pneumonia, I was there for a few hours am and then again in the evening. Don't worry about what others think or say. You handle things the way you can best do so.

Whatever feels right to you and you can do best. That may mean that you are at the hospital less while he is sedated so that you have more time off of work when he is not sedated. It may mean that you can't bear the thought of being away. It may mean that you rotate seeing him, but try to keep your sanity for the time being.

I don't know. I'm not in your situation, so I don't really feel "qualified" to say what I would do.
Ignore those who judge you over this. You've already given this child more than anyone else has... so ignore those people who want to criticize and judge what you feel is best at this time.
Bless you.

I would do what your doing now & plan on being there more when he isn't sedated.

If it were my child one of us would be there 24/7. From what you are describing your foster child has RSV. He could die from this. Sorry to be blunt. I've read your other posts and answered at least one of them. Your attitude towards him seems non-committal and aloof. This child has no one. He's in the hospital fighting for his life with no one but nurses who have other patients and other jobs to do besides caring for this one child who has no one. This bears repeating which is why I said it again. I understand the need to work and life outside the hospital goes on but to me in addition to your other posts sounds like you need other people to affirm that you are doing the right thing. If you don't want to foster this child you should let your social worker know because it sounds like he is more of a burden to you and your family.

First of all, saying prayers for him and your family.

I would probably be there every day and would attempt to have family members there around the clock if possible and allowed, but I can work remotely and call into meetings. I don't think it's any different that you a foster parents...you are there in place of his birth parents and would/should do everything they would do if they were in his place. So I would do whatever I would for my own child, which would to try to have a round the clock presence if possible with minimal breaks away.

Hopefully he'll be strong enough to leave soon. I think that you just do what works for your family and ignore the opinions of others. No one really knows what they would do unless they've actually been in your shoes.

Poor little guy....I hope he makes it. He sounds pretty sick.

When it's our kiddo I stay the whole time, eat there, bathe there, etc...I don't leave. Hubby comes with other kiddo and stays the whole visiting hours or until other kiddo is acting out.

Since this is a preemie that makes a huge difference. Not that he's not as important but that he's out of it, doesn't know you, etc....I know you care and if he was awake and knew you well then he'd do better with you there. Since someone is with him 24/7 he has that human contact. I think you're doing just what you need to do. I would probably to stay as much as possible because I'd want to know what was happening and being done.

So sorry you're going through all of this. It sounds like you're doing the best you can and everyone would handle the situation differently. It's hard to keep a good home/hospital/work balance.

Our son was born with a complex congenital heart defect (diagnosed before birth). We knew he would be in the ICU until he was strong enough for open heart surgery. He he was in the hospital 30 days when he was born (25 days ICU). He had open heart surgery at 11 days and was on life support for 4. We were with him almost around the clock. We were at his bedside from 6am-midnight. We would go back to the Ronald McDonald House to shower and sleep a few hours. The nurses actually encouraged this. They said he would not know we were not there for a few hours and we needed rest to be at our best (I was still recovering from a c-section).

He had his second open heart surgery at 6 months. We did the same thing...stayed at his bedside from 6am-midnight. Once he was moved out of the ICU to the inpatient floor, one of us would stay all night.

My mom flew out to be with our 3 year old, I didn't work, and my husband had saved up 45 days of leave (military). So, work wasn't really an issue. My mom would bring my 3 year old in every other day (she would sit with our baby and we would take our 3 year old to the playground to play a little). I was difficult being away, but our newborn really needed us at that time.

Our heart baby is now 5 and had his 3rd open heart surgery this past summer. My mom traveled with us so there would be 3 adults to care for him around the clock (we slept/ate in shifts). My in-laws took our other kids for a month. Again, we felt our 5 year old needed us the most.

For us, we didn't know how much time we would have with him, so we were always there. But, spending that much time in the NICU/PICU, we realized we were the exception, not the rule. Most parents visited daily in the NICU; some we never saw. There was one nurse for each patient, so they got great care and the nurses would hold them, etc.

We became friendly with a family of a preemie. She ended up being in the hospital for 6 months! She's now 6 and thriving. She was/still is an only child and the parents had to go back to work. Mom would come on her lunch break and they both came every night/all weekend. Grandparents would help, too.

Just do the best you can. It is extremely difficult to do it all--nevermind the emotional toll it will take! If people have criticisms, just tell them you are doing the best you can--because you are.

You have no idea how long this will go on for, so you really have to prepare for a marathon--not a sprint. Keeping your jobs (and health insurance!) is important and so is caring for your other two children.

It sucks. It's hard! Hang in there:)