Where Did I Go Wrong.

I think you have some high standards. She is only 3 and she's expected to help her older brothers do their work and clean her room. I'm hoping maybe you mean just pick up her toys. Each child is different, I have 3 of my own, some have similar traits but all have different styles.
Remember she's only 3, she's learning and she may test limits, which is good for growth and development, hard being a parent.

Check out Love and Logic. They have a website, and you can get the books at the library or the bookstore.

Stop expecting her to act like someone else and to behave like your sons. She is not them. She's 3. She's not going to behave like your 5 year olds. She's a girl. She's also learning she's her own person.

She will only learn how to behave if you TEACH her, MODEL how to behave. If you don't go out, she won't learn. And you have to give real information and not just say "behave" because general commands mean nothing. Step back and look at what you're expecting of her. Google age appropriate milestones to get an idea of what to actually expect of a child her age.

I apologize if this next bit is a bit harsh, but some of what you said is a little disturbing and I think it needs to be said.

Expecting her to "come around" makes no sense - she is a TODDLER.
She is not going to "come around" and suddenly be the picture of the child in your head. She is HERSELF, not the ideal of the baby girl you dreamed of.

She is NOT your best friend. She is a toddler, she is your CHILD. You are putting WAY too much pressure on her because you wanted her so much before she was born.

Your "best friend?" I hope you're not referring to your daughter. Your daughter should not be your best friend, especially at 3 years old. Maybe when she's 40. Daughters are wonderful, but try not to favor your daughter over your sons. And try to find friends your own age. It's not healthy for kids when their parents expect them to be their friend. Your daughter needs a mother, not a friend, and your daughter's friends should be 3 years old.

I adore my daughter, she's absolutely amazing at 21, and I love spending time with her, but my "friends" are in their 40's and 50's. My daughter is in a completely different phase of life from me, and she can't relate to much of my life yet.

You are her mommy, and that's an honorable position. And you might want to lower your expectations a little -- 3 year olds don't usually clean their room very well.

Sorry to be harsh, but you have some unhealthy expectations of your daughter.

Where did you go wrong?? Maybe having some unrealistic expectations of a three year old (your best friend???). Do the chores with her. It's a good thing to give up the single life when you get married and have kids but maybe you need date nights and girlfriends as well. Don't forget your boys too.

Your daughter is NOT the same personality as her brothers. You MUST see her as a different child and allow it in your head.

Sit with her in her room and direct the cleanup. The mom who said to get rid of extra stuff in her room so that there's not too much to clean is absolutely right. It's overwhelming to have to deal with too many toys.

Sorry, but we don't have to "understand" that you've always wanted a girl. That's no reason to call a 3 year old your best friend. She's NOT your best friend. She's a 3 year old, and headstrong. Stop thinking about her being your heart. It will only make it so that you end up with a badly behaved child.

You have lots of good ideas here. Use them.

Well, 3-year-olds can be notoriously feisty. Most parents have a much worse time with the terrible 3s than the terrible 2s. So chances are you didn't do anything wrong.

It does sound like she needs some structure, in terms of behavior, though. For most kids, a combination of rewards and consequences works well. As in:

1. "Pick up your toys, and you can have a strawberry."

2. "Uh oh, if you don't pick up your toys, then no strawberry."

3. "Honey, I asked you to pick up your toys 2 times. If you can't listen when I ask, then Elsa and Anna have to sit up here, on top of the fridge."

4. "Honey, if you want Elsa and Anna to come down from the fridge, then all you have to do is put your toys in the toy place, like this."

It's also really important to make sure she's getting enough food and sleep. Some kids need more sleep then others. Some kids have huge meltdowns, instead of just saying "I'm hungry."

Finally, I wouldn't just keep her in the house. The great big world out there can be a great incentive. Try taking her out. If she acts up, say "Oh no. That's not nice behavior. Looks like we can't go to the park after all today." Then, the next time, prep her: "We're going to try to go to the park again. But how do we act nice at the park? That's right! We don't hit. We use our words." That kind of thing.

You didn't go wrong except to expect she would be like her siblings.
don't worry about taking her out right now - in a few years she'll be better able to handle outings.
If her room gets too messy it's got too much in it.
Take a bunch of stuff out till she can't make too big a mess and it will be a lot more manageable for everyone every which way around.

Just keep implementing loving, logical consequences to her misbehavior. If she won't stay at the table at dinner, she doesn't eat. If she won't clean up after A, she doesn't get to do B. If she defies you, there is no bargaining. No negotiating with terrorists!

Time outs, short explanations of why she is there, forgiveness and 'i love your' after she apologizes.

It will start getting better soon!

easy. a question i read from you already today makes it clear that you are far more focused on being a fun friend and not a mom with rules and boundaries.
i suggest you change course. you're building a monster.
khairete
S.

This cannot be real. Who talks about their kid like this? However, kids only do what they are allowed to do................

It sounds like you have an obvious preference to your daughter over your sons, I hope this isn't so. "She is my heart" and other comments make it seem you wanted a little mini-me and want to have fun buying all the things you liked for her. She's a child, not your best friend, and she AND your sons need you to guide them and spend time with them in healthy ways. Your boys will resent her (and you) if you spend more of your time and money on her, and you will end up with them giving your problems just for your attention. Please re-think the relationship you are forming with your kids, and be the loving parent rather than the friend you seem to want to be.

You go about your business and you take the other kids. Leave her with a babysitter. Tell her that she threw a fit last time and now she can't go.

Walk out and don't look back, if you look back she has you. She needs to learn natural consequences of her actions.

Please find some Love and Logic parenting classes to take. They will help you with stuff like this.

She sounds like a 3 year old. I can't even get my 5 & 8 year old to clean up without reminders (nagging).

It will talk effort and work on your part, but really, Mira's spot on. Consistency!

As far as how she behaves when you leave the house, well, you're going to have to give more information. Where are you taking her, what does she do, what are your expectations, how have tried to help her to understand your expectations?

But, again. It's about making your expectations clear, reacting problems very quickly, having consequences and being prepare to following through or simply go home if she does not behave properly, etc.