Hi Ladies,
A friend of mine called me furious the other day. Apparently she was going to a funeral with her husband. Right before they went inside the funeral parlor he told her his ex-girlfriend was there. She said why did you wait to tell me and he said he didn't want her to make a scene. Background- She is the ex-girlfriend but this GF was while his wife was pregnant with their second child. Not only did he cheat on his wife but brougt this woman around to his family and friends, hence why she was invited to the funeral. I won't even get into why his family was so open to this relationship at the time. Now here is the question: My girlfriend feels that he should have given her advanced notice and she would have decided to go to funeral or not or simply go but be more aware of who was there. He feels she would have given him a hard time (I think rightly so) and he wanted to have low drama as it was a funeral and it wasn't about them. She did by the way go in stayed away from the woman and had to actually sit across from her at the luncheon afterwards, also during the luncheon the other woman kept bringing up the good times she had with my friends husband. My opinion is he should have let my girlfriend know in advance. What do you all think?
Wow ladies this was definitly a hot topic. To the poster who thought I should listen and not get involved, it was my GF who asked me to ask you ladies your opinion. I showed her these posts and she was empowered to feel the way she does and to correctly thinkjher hubs is a piece of S**T. She hasn't spoken to him since the funeral. He is being an ass and telling her to get over it. He knew about the ex coming because his brother told him 2 days before the funeral to warn him to make sure the WIFE didn't go crazy. That family is beyond. My GF stayed with the husband because he made it seem like it was a one time thing and the mistress meant nothing to him. Obviously with "the good times they had" noted by the ex at the luncheon my GF is more aware that it meant more than a one time deal. I believe in some bizaar way he did her favor. because now my GF's eyes are wide open. thank you ladies and keep 'em coming I am sharing all your input with her.
What a creep. If I was in her shoes, I would have left the funeral, went home and set his belongings in a bag on the porch and changed the locks.
She should never have been there in the first place. That's tacky beyond belief! Perhaps she should let him know, that if she EVER and I mean EVER sees this woman at any other family function, she's divorcing him immediately. What a cad!
I'll never understand why women get angry at the ex girlfriend(s) when it's the guy that sleeps around like a tom cat.
I'm sitting here thinking... I probably wouldn't have kept a civil tongue in my mouth. When she was reliving the "good times" I would have said, "Oh right, when you were whoring around with a married man? If that was the good times -- what are you up to now? Having to settle for single guys?"
I don't like having my hand forced and I really don't like being made uncomfortable. Her husband obviously STILL only thinks about himself -- just like he did when he cheated.
That said, she didn't have to stay. Whoever invited the ex obviously didn't care about her feelings -- she shouldn't have felt obligated to remain. I would demanded it was time to leave and if her husband had issue with that then he can take it up with whoever invited the ex.
Was this woman a family friend prior to the indiscretion? IMO your friend is in a no win situation. If the woman was at a family function and her involvement with the man was accepted by his family, then her marriage is a sham. I am sorry for the drama she had to endure, but she accepted what he did by staying.
That all being said, yes, he should have let her know prior to the funeral. The bigger question would be how did he know she was going to be there? I would not be so sure everything has ended between them with his foreknowledge and the woman torturing your friend by bringing up the past.
The Girlfriend should not have been invited at all!! What is wrong with these people? If the GF was really really close to the deceased, (closer than family?) and had to be invited, the wife should have been told so she could decide not to go. When you see the woman your husband cheated on you with you have an actual physical reaction, your stomach tightens, your heart actually hurts, you feel like you are going to vomit, and this does not get better with time. I am sorry, but an affair puts an end to any and all contact anyone who is family should ever be having with that woman. Family is supposed to take care of and support their own.
I once went to a function and the other woman was there. Neither me nor my husband knew she would be there. He still wanted to stay, but I told him point blank, I do not eat with trash. Your friend's husband knew this girl was going to be there (how did he know, do they still talk!?), neither the wife or the husband should have gone. It should have been made clear to the family, they can choose him and his wife, or the XGF. If he can not stand up and protect, support, and defend his wife, than he should let her go before he hurts her even more.
Who is right? Ummm.... he was wrong for cheating-- she was wrong for STAYING with a human who has the capacity to cheat on his wife while she is pregnant. The funeral scenerio doesn't matter. She should not still be with him because he is scum and obviously doesn't care about her-- which he illustrated ONCE AGAIN by not bothering to give her advance notice about the ex being there.
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the cheater is wrong. period. but WHY ON EARTH would the family support this? your friend was put in a horrible position and YES i would be furious also. it seems NO ONE there (even her own husband) was interested in sparing her feelings even the tiniest little bit. eat at the same table? are you kidding me? so the husband and the family support this usurper, even to the point of putting her importance above the actual WIFE's. why is she married to this creep, involved with this familiy?
One thing I agree with is that a funeral is no place to hash things out.
I think he should have let her know, but my husband used to do the same thing to me. Over big stuff like relocating out of state. He knew he was getting transferred for his job, knew we had to pack up and leave everything, friends, family, my daughter's school. And he would tell me a week ahead of time. His reasoning was that the less I knew the better until I had no choice and he knew I wouldn't be happy so why put himself through dealing with it any more than he had to.
I don't understand that logic, but sometimes men think that way. They know their wife will be upset so they are sparing themselves by not mentioning it until the last minute.
I personally didn't like getting blind sided that way.
I don't know your friend, but if she got really upset and didn't even show up that might have made things look worse considering the "other woman" was there.
What's done is done and it doesn't matter who is right or wrong at this point. Your friend will need to tell her husband how she feels about the scenario. And hopefully he won't do that to her again.
Wives never like feeling as though they are the last to know something and hopefully she can get that point across to her husband.
It's something they need to work out between the two of them.
I always say it's such a shame when someone dies, it brings out the ugliness and bitterness in people and that's no way to honor the deceased.
That's just my opinion.
He should have told her. Not to do so was manipulative and flat out chicken. Your friend should have had a choice.
However......you say if she had known she would have given him a hard time .....but why give him a hard time over something he has no control over? He didn't invite her to the funeral, did he? So your friend needs to own up to her part into hanging on to her anger.
If your friend is really upset then a little marriage counseling to work through this past hurt might help. Avoid feeding into her anger, and while quietly supporting your friend, why not suggest counseling? If you bad talk her husband she might not forget that when she isn't angry with him anymore. My thought is you might want to help your friend work towards her happiness at an approprate distance.
I second Julie B.'s post!
I think that friends vent to us to have someone to listen to them, especially when it comes to their husband/boyfriend. I think you should just listen to her and not get so involved that you're wondering who's right.
the cheater is always wrong. And it was definately more wrong not to tell her beforehand so that she would know what to expect. When we went to a wedding where I knew one of my exes was going to be, my hubby knew about it well in advance.
Wow what a mess. This "husband" seems to like drama. He had an affair while his wife was pregnant. He took the girlfriend around to meet his friends and his family..
Your friend has a very high tolerance for his behaviors. She stayed with him and put up with all of this knowledge and now she must realize, he is not really showing her respect by not encouraging his family to not invite this other woman and then not telling his wife early enough to allow her to make a decision about participating in all of this..
I like what Ann Landers used to say, "Are you better with him or without him?" This is what your friend needs to decide.. I also suggest she either do something about this (marriage counseling) or not expect it to ever change.
they are both right :)
Anna,
The fact that he told her that late it's what makes it so bad. Nonetheless, I would had stayed like she did. But the moment I'm seated across from her I would've object and changed seats. At the first coment the lady made about her husband and her; I would've grabbed my husband and left. If he didn't want to leave, then he would certainly not be sleeping in my house. The fact that your friend tolerated all of that makes me wonder. She needs some counseling for herself, and then some for her and her husband. I know they have a family and by all means we always try to stay together for the sake of the children. But if this incident has damaged whatever little trust and respect she had for her husband, she needs to sit down and put all her thoughts together; sit her husband down and let him know how she feels and why. If he is willing to seek some help to try to work things out, that is great; if not she is better of separating from him.
Hi Anna,
I came by this answer when somebody made a simple statement to me after I was being treated badly -
"People who love you dont' treat you like that". Find different people to associate with.
Forget their excuses, etc, stop listening to them. They need you more than you need them, and they're trying to use you. You dont' need people like that.
"People who love you dont' treat you like that".
Find people who treat you right.
I kept saying what Tina said - Tina said it all - when the heartache is over, I won't be missin' you.
Best to you,
M.
I think he's still carrying on an affair with her. People tend to get away with as much as they can for as long as they can. He is certainly enjoying it both ways - free sex and cozy home life with his meals made and laundry done.
'Making a scene' needn't happen. But it would also have been reasonable for her to have gotten the keys and quietly left.
This is Mamapedia, not Couples in Turmoil with Dr. Drew. The husband is a creep and she should file for divorce. End of story.
Lynsey
Are you kidding me? I would have turned right around and left and made sure EVERYONE knew why! What kind of family would have invited the GF to the funeral in the first place knowing the wife would be there? They would all hear from me about that! And the husband would be an ex by now!
Anna, you sound like a caring friend and I'm sure your friend appreciates your support right now.
Yes, the husband should have told her. Honestly, the ex girlfriend, who it sounds like he cheated with on your friend, should not have been invited to a family funeral. It was very insensitive to your friend, who is married to this man, she is family and the ex girlfriend is not! It was very wrong of her husband to be deceptive about the ex girlfriend, and quite frankly, I believe that he should have not only given his wife the chance not to go if she was uncomfortable, I think HE should not have gone to the family funeral that the ex was attending if wife didn't want him to.
It's one thing if an ex just shows up someplace and you had no idea they'd be there, but it's another story entirely to be deceptive. Not only was your friend treated badly by hubby's family, but by hubby too. I am very sorry that they are treating her poorly, hubby's choice was very inappropriate, IMO
How did he know she was going?? She should have been given a choice on this one. I would have went just to annoy her I think. If she did this at the table while at lunch.......oh boy she would have more than food down her throat. If anyone here has ever been cheated on then you know how this would have felt to her friend. Its a terrible feeling, brings up old horrible feelings of betrayal. I give her kudos for acting like a classy women. Unlike the tramp that was there.
Aside from the fact this was a FUNERAL - hello, the whole situation obviously is ridiculous to begin with. Who's right or wrong? The WHOLE SITUATION IS JUST WRONG...didn't understand, is your friend the WIFE now that he cheated on with the ex gf at the funeral, if so CLEARLY the husband is an A@# anyway so it doesn't matter what he did for the funeral. She needs to take control of her life and move on!
He obviously knows he deserves a hard time for this type of insensitive behavior though it apparently it runs in the family. Good for your friend for handling it with class.
