Why Am I So Anger and Hurt When I Found Out My Husband Has a 19 Year Old Daughte

Another kid in the family is great but I have 1 question. If he has kept this (I consider this a big deal), what else has he kept from you or lied about?

ETA after your SWH: I wish you had explained all of this in your original post.

My advice stands to get to marriage counseling. But you also need to go see a divorce attorney. Talk about what you need to do to protect yourself, especially financially. I hope you have a job outside of your home.

Part of the marriage counseling should be about establishing paternity. Your husband very well may decide to give her money because he feels guilt over not being in her life. If she is truly not his daughter, this money goes to a stranger instead of to your family. You have a right to know the truth, and a counselor can help him come to that understanding. If he fights this, then you will already have a lawyer to come to your defense. But you need to get your ducks in a row before this so that he can't pull out money and leave you destitute.

You said in your SWH that people told you before you married him that he fathered a child. I don't understand - why didn't you pursue this with him before you married him? You just accepted his word? If so, you must know that you bear some responsibility in this. Your blind acceptance and his deception have come home to roost now. You will have to decide if you are willing to stay married to a man who lies, tells you to leave (as you have put it) and won't communicate with you about this huge life change. You can't continue this way, whether he likes it or not. Get working on this with a lawyer and a counselor.

Original:
You need to get to a marriage counselor, tomorrow. If you don't, he will continue to live this alone, and you will just hate him for it.

I don't know how old you both are, but if he was a young man when this happened, why are you surprised when he decided not to believe that he might be the father. He didn't want to believe it. Now he has to deal with this. You HAVE to know that it can't be easy.

My question is how he found out for sure that the girl is his? Did they get a DNA paternity test done? Did he want the test?

As far as keeping a secret relationship with her is concerned, if he knew you would take it so hard, perhaps that is why he is seeing her like this. You are very angry, and he is uncommunicative. Neither of these ways of looking at things is going to help.

Get a counselor. See the counselor on your own and then take him for couples counseling.

It's very telling to me that, given the choice between believing your husband of 16 years ("I knew nothing about her") and a 19 year old you just met ("He knew about me 17 years ago"), you picked her as the source of truth, not him. So there is either a lot more to the story (perhaps she presented some proof to you) or you have had suspicions about him for a long time. If the latter, then there's been an undercurrent of dishonesty in your marriage.

And there's another child conceived in a one-night stand? When did you find out about that child? Which one did you find out about 4 weeks ago? And how do you know for sure that these are one-night stands vs. relationships of some duration? You refer to "our daughters" - so how many children do YOU have with him? You mention the 6 year old but I'm not sure where the other(s) figure in. Has he been supporting these children without you knowing about it? Is there financial dishonesty as well?

The problem is, of course, that he is not honest with you. He's living another life, either on occasion or with some frequency. And when he tells you about a child, he just announces it and "that was it"??

I'm sorry - I don't blame you for being hurt and angry. But you have a fundamentally flawed marriage when it comes to communication and honesty. That is going to require serious counseling, ideally together, but certainly for you, and right away. This is far more important than how much attention he pays to one child vs. another, or whether your daughter knows her other "family". You need to sort out your communication, your finances, his legal obligations, and (sorry to say), your own health care. If he's cheating and having relationships with other women, you are at risk for sexually transmitted infections. Get tested now. And get a good counselor who can support you.

Welcome to mamapedia, A..

One of my friends experienced this. Except her husband truly did NOT know. The W. had lied to EVERYONE for years. The child believed that her father was dead (he had died about 3 months prior to her finding out). They are still married. It was tough for a good 2 years for them. Now? Better.

In your case? He's keeping in contact with this old flame? WHY? Maybe he's reeling from the news. I don't know. What proof do you have that he is secretly maintaining a relationship with her?

I would think you guys need marriage counseling. If he's not willing to communicate with you? I'd tell him he has two choices - counseling or divorce. Don't make a threat you aren't willing to carry out.

I wish you luck.

The problem is not that he has a daughter from a previous fling, the problem is that he is being secretive.

I personally would be thrilled to find out that my husband had a child from a previous relationship. That would be one more addition to our family.

Maybe if you adjust your attitude and welcome this child your husband won't have to be secretive. The child can't help it. Tell your husband to stop being secretive with you, and to communicate more. Be kind and loving to your husband's daughter. I can't imagine why he would pay *more* attention to her than to his other daughters.

The biggest problem I have with what you've written is

"He choses not to discuss anything with me."

Huh? That would not fly in my marriage.

For now, I wouldn't be so concerned with if he's still going to show your daughters as much attention or how this impacts them at this point.

The big issue here is he isn't communicating or being honest.

Sounds like an a-hole quite frankly. No offence. You just haven't written one positive about the guy here.

Decide what you're going to do. Don't wait around for him to change. He won't. Look after yourself and your daughters.

You found out your husband has a past - and it clashes with his present.
As long as he's not coming home and saying your kids have younger siblings (like he's still out there sowing his oats) then you don't have a lot to worry about.
You need some private counseling so you can talk out your feelings about this and some marriage counseling so you can ask all these questions and get some answers.
And if it hasn't been done already, no conclusion should be reached about who he's fathered without a paternity test.
This girl is 19 - he doesn't owe her any child support at this point unless there was some sort of court order from way back when.

If it makes you feel any better - my uncle was a wild child - got married and had 8 kids.
After both he and his wife passed away - a child of his (actually a grown man with a family of his own) - contacted my cousins.
Turns out a girlfriend of my uncle (when he was about 16) got pregnant and gave the child up for adoption - and 50 yrs later this unknown cousin was just looking for his roots.

There's a lot to take in. It doesn't help that he doesn't communicate. Is this normal for him? For your marriage?

I know Tyler slept with other women before we got married 25 years ago. I would expect that a woman would have said something before now. Imagine the shock the 19 year old is going through too. I wonder what lies she's been told over the last 19 years about her "daddy". Is it a shock that he has ANOTHER child? How and what is he doing with the other one night stand?

How was this confirmed that she is indeed HIS daughter?
The daughter spoke with you directly? If she did, how do you know she's telling you the truth? What's her ulterior motive here? WHAT DOES SHE WANT from you?

I strongly suggest marriage counseling for you. You need to learn how to talk about things and get through this. What do you expect to happen? How do YOU want to handle this?

A secret relationship would not fly for me. Tell him what you expect. Tell him how you expect things to happen and see what he wants and expects and if there is a compromise you can make to make this work.

I think I would find it more disturbing that he didn't feel cheated out of having a relationship with his daughter for the first 19 years of her life. (And this is his second love child?

I'm sorry but your husband does not sound like a stand up kind of guy. I don't think you have to worry that he will pay more attention to his children from the one night stands. I sincerely hope he is a good, involved father to your daughters.

He shouldn't be having a secret relationship with her, it should be out in the open and your children should get to know her if she is really his (has a test been done?). As for getting past your anger, counseling could help. It seems he truly did not believe it was his child, and why would he assume he was the dad with a women who also enjoyed one night stands? I would not hold it against him, but sometimes we feel what we feel and the only way to deal with those feelings is to examine them and work through them, a professional may be able to help you both more easily do that. Whatever you do don't make it about her versus your children, he should be able to love them all and she is just as much his as your children are, he owes her a chance to connect with him.

I'm going to ask. WHY does he feel he has to keep his relationship with her a secret? Could it be he knows you won't accept her and that you won't make her feel welcome into your family?

Maybe he has a valid point. Your attitude seems rather harsh to me. We've all come into our marriages with baggage. I think we all have a past that could come back to bite us in the butt.

My thoughts are so what if he has a daughter. Unless you and he were living together at the time and in a committed relationship. Then I'd be furious. But if this child was conceived before you then you have no rights to be upset with him over anything.

Lots of guys are told they might be having a child but women often do that to try and get the guy to come back to them, so the guy doesn't believe it.

If the woman has persisted and given him proof or gone after him for child support, got a DNA test to prove paternity, then I might be upset he had truly known and just hidden it.

But if you are as jealous as you sound in this question then maybe, just maybe, he would have had reason to hide her, if he truly knew about his child.

If he really didn't know because the mom dropped the ball then it's not on him.

Your question: "Are you gonna pay more attention to her than you will our daughters" - why did you write "daughters", you only have ONE daughter with him.

Your husband has two adult children - his son and his 19-year old daughter.

You have one adult child - your 18-year-old daughter.

You and your husband together have one 6-year-old child.

You should each be able to enjoy relationships with your adult children. And together just worry about parenting your 6-year-old.

I have a friend with a husband that plays similar games and lives with the idea of:

-- as less as my wife knows as better it is--

Well, you may come to the realization that there is more that he keeps under the rug. Not saying more affairs/kids but he in general is a guy that will do what he feels entitled to but does not respect you enough to fill you in.

Not sure if I would like to keep going with someone that does not respect me and my feelings in a matter that is essential and emotional to a marriage.

Again, this hidden daughter is not the problem. It is the way he is handling the issue.

Start to make sure you are financially secure. Educate you on his financial status. And eventually make a decision on your future. I would not be able to trust this guy. He is frankly not capable to communicate in a mature way that is necessary to keep a healthy marriage and healthy relationships to his kids.

Wishing you Luck!

Why does he feel he needs to keep any relationship a "secret"? Seems the cat is out of the bag now! Is the young lady asking for any help financially? What is his responsibility from the past? Does he have to pay any back child support? THAT is what would be concerning to me as well.

You have a communication problem in your marriage. If my husband came home and acted like this, we would be in serious trouble. His inability to accept responsibility for his actions is also a concern.

What does your oldest daughter have to do with this?

I was in almost the exact same situation. About 10 years ago, DH found out he had another daughter who was about 19 at the time. He has 2 girls from a relationship previous to me and we have a daughter together. At first, it was really hard. Circumstances were really similar to yours in that he should have know . . and probably did to some degree . . but chose to bury his head in the sand. We ended up going to counseling a couple times and that really helped us. My DH let me go at my own pace in terms of meeting her. It was probably 3 or 4 months after we found out about her before we said anything to the other children. It was an interesting time to say the least but, in the long run, has actually been a blessing. In fact, I now have a 4 month old granddaughter because of her. She was raised by her mom and stepfather (whom she considers her dad), so our relationship isn't a typical daughter relationship but we've made it work for us. Just go slow ... . take your time processing your feelings. Don't let anyone tell you how quickly you have to move or adjust to this new normal. Maybe go talk to a counselor (with and/or without your DH). In our case, I think the whole thing made us stronger as a couple. Yes . . .it was hard and a few harsh words were shared between us . . . but in the end we came out on top. There's very little that can shake our relationship now.

Hang in there. PM if you like. I've been in your shoes.

J.

I can understand why your husband doesn't talk to you, because you're not a safe place. You're controlling and mean. I will be surprised if your jealousy and control don't cause your marriage to end. He has a right to have a relationship with his other children, and you need to love and support him in that. Wow. I'd say you both need to seek some professional help, a counselor, or something. This is obviously a really big issue.

Well I wouldn't accept this at face value. I'd have him get a dna test because if she had a one night stand with him there might have been others (nothing wrong with that except the unprotected sex part). Basically this woman told your husband that he was the dad when the girl was 2 yrs old. Wouldn't accept that as the truth without a dna test.