Why Are Teenagers So Ungrateful and Just Downright Mean to Parents

To answer you question "why are teenagers so ungreatful and downright mean to parents".

I have a daughter who is 22 now and was a teenager not that long ago. We never had that the teenage angst. I loved the teenage years, gosh all the stages. There has always been mutual friendship and that was great. She was always athletic and great in academics.

Are you acting as mommy / therapist?? That would drive me bonkers!!

Every teenager is different and some (I was like this) are easy for their parents while others are exactly like your son. My best friend in high school, a sweet girl normally, was horrible to her mom. It was shocking to me when I was over at her house. She seemed to truly hate her, was condescending, rude and verbally abusive. Her mom was always so kind and gentle and you could see the hurt in her eyes. Her older sister was not like this at all. After college my friend got married, had kids and she and her mom became very close. They are like best friends now. It was her way of pulling away and growing up when she was a teenager I guess. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have advice for you. I don't think anything my friend's mom could have tried would have worked with her...she just had to outgrow it in her 20s.

i don't know, because that wasn't my experience at all. i kept waiting for the awful teenage years to start, and they never did. i adored having teenagers in the house. i love the teenage years. i had an extra teenager move in for a while. i still teach teenagers at the community college because i'm so charmed by them.
no, it's not normal to have a relationship this tense and unhappy.
i'm sure it's involved with the 'family history', and maybe that he's expected to be appreciative when perhaps he's feeling unappreciated?
i hope you figure it out, for his sake as well as yours.
khairete
S.

I think the bigger question is why are you taking it so personally. To start pushing away from your parents is very much normal teenage behavior. To still need them to meet their needs before they are old enough to work is also very normal teenage behavior.

What isn't normal is a parent calling this ungrateful behavior. So why do you see it as such?

Contrary to Suz's experience, I did endure some unpleasant teen years. They don't all go through it, but I believe that, in this culture, most teens reject their parents for a while as they seek their independence and their own identities. 2kidmama's friend is an example of that. I love teens as well, and I work with them and get along well with most of them -- but most of them are not trying to separate from me, as my own were.

You have a stepparent situation, so it may be more complicated, but I had a couple of really unpleasant years with my youngest, who was also a straight A student, and all-around good kid with everyone but me. My situation was exacerbated, or maybe caused, by a husband who wanted to be his kid's best friend instead of his parent and who undermined me and never supported me in front of our son. (We're now in therapy to resolve my resentment over this.)

Fortunately he matured out of it and went back to the totally adorable person he had always been, and it's beginning to feel like a distant memory, thankfully. It was really helpful when he went away to college.

Don't buy him shoes if you don't feel he deserves them. "Sorry, my love, you've been really unpleasant lately. I just don't feel like rewarding that by buying you shoes."

In hindsight, and with more education, I would never allow myself to get involved in pointless arguments with my son, I would just calmly give him a consequence every time he was unpleasant, such as take away the car keys until he could apologize and be nice (although even that would have been difficult to do with my husband undermining me). That was definitely my mistake, trying to make my son see my logic, and I was never stern enough to just give my children a consequence they would really feel. As a teacher I have learned that the calm consequence works best.

I feel your pain, good luck with it.

I almost think they HAVE to go through a stage like this at some point.
It prepares them to eventually move out on their own.
If everything were all tickety-boo all the time - they'd NEVER leave home!
He's 18 in 3 short years and with his grades he'll be off to a good college.
By the time they are about 25 - they suddenly develop an appreciation for their parents.

Separate needs from wants.
Did he NEED a new pair of shoes (old ones wore out?) or did he just WANT to get a new pair?
If he needs, then sure let him have the money to get a pair - other wise he can do without another pair of shoes until he needs them.
Sometimes 'No' every once in awhile is what needs to be heard and what needs to be said.

Oh, and sometimes take a retreat weekend for yourself to get away from it all and just enjoy yourself.
Room service, a walk on a nice beach, and no one nagging on you for anything for a day or two can be a real pick me up.

Have you considered Love and Logic classes? Really, have you been the student in them? They opened my eyes.

I don't have a problem telling our girl "Sorry, I'm going to go run errands without you because you're not fun to be around today". I learned so many things when I sat in the class.

He wants to be ungrateful -- let him. Then cut him off of everything but basic needs ..food - clothing - shelter. You don't owe him designer anything, you don't owe him a ride to any where, you don't owe him a college education, etc. Tell him to get off his lazy ungrateful butt and get a job. He can ride his bike or walk to where he needs to go.

HOLD FIRM AND STAND BY YOUR STATEMENTS.

Then watch his attitude change.

N.,

Welcome to mamapedia!! Welcome to parenting!!

Do you remember what YOU were like when you were 15? I'm sure it wasn't as rosy for your parents as you would like to believe it was.

If you truly believe that your son "has it so good" and needs a lesson in humility? Why not start making him responsible for getting to and from sports?

Sorry - but the relationship you have with your son is one you created right along with him. It's adversarial at this point. You still want him to be your baby. He wants to be a "man".

Does he have an allowance? If not - why?
He needs to participate in the household and that means doing things - setting the table - helping to make a meal, laundry, etc.

He needs to know that you will be there to help him work through issues. Do NOT demand that he tell you his every waking thought. STOP asking him WHY he's angry. Tell him you love him and that love is unconditional and you are there for him.

Since you are a therapist - it's like the old saying "doctor heal thyself". Stop. This is life. This is teenagers. I'm sure if you asked your parents - you were angry at 15 too. I know I was. We moved from San Diego to Los Angeles and I was PISSED.

Stop making this about you. Stop DEMANDING he tell you. Instead - tell him all the good things you see about him. STOP being negative. STOP being angry yourself. You are upset because he's growing up. Admit it.

Good luck!!

part of this is TEENAGERism..... :) and hormones... It's tough to get a child to open up and if you bug them too much, they won't... Since he won't open up to you, then is there a counselor or group at school for which he might?
Asking because my son doesn't always tell me everything and while I sometimes wish he would tell me more or at least not after the fact, kids are like adults, sometimes they just need space. IF your son senses that you WANT and demand to know his feelings, you can almost count on the fact that he won't tell you what's up..
I am wondering too, are there an addict issues in the family, by that I don't just mean this generation, but could be parents/grandparents or even behind that have drank, smoke or used. I mention this because since you are a therapist, you might be aware of "stinkin' thinkin".... and 12 steps.. and therefore, may be aware that sometimes, that whole indignant behavior came be passed down, even without the substance aspect of it.. In my family, my mother and father drank and well as other siblings, aunts and uncles.. I, myself seldom drink... However, learned behavior is learned behavior and learned Coping or lack of coping skills still can be passed down.. I wonder if your son can't or won't express his anger because whether you know it or not, maybe this was modeled for him and now, as a kid.. he doesn't know how to express those specific emotions.. it's worth thinking about.. they have 12 step programs for teens as you probably know.. again, doesn't mean he drinks.. take Alanon, they have alateen.. sometimes teens feel more comfortable opening up to people their own age..they usually have someone in their early 20s monitoring the meetings... anyway, if push comes to shove.. a teen group might be just what your son needs...
whatever you decide, I wish you all the best

B, I love that you stated "If everything were all tickety-boo all the time - they'd NEVER leave home! "

It's true.
I also think that you can't underrate whatever history children have. Often adults assume "well, that's behind us, move on" but with children and teens and even young adult children, they need our direct help and attention in dealing with distress, even when the distress is from things which happened when they were much younger. Attachment disorder can happen, even with present parents. And even the best of parents are going to have kids who don't appreciate what they've got.

My suggestion is that you find your own counselor so that you can deal with your depression from this. I'm not being glib, either. I don't know your son's backstory, what he needs that he didn't get earlier in life. But you have to find a way to navigate this for the next few year so if YOU decide to find a therapist to help YOU, that won't be money thrown away. It will be an investment in your sanity.

I have had my children say thoughtless things to me, but not with the intention of simply hurting me. I have had my children act ungrateful, but honestly most kids have no frame of reference for gratitude. I have raised/raising 6 teenagers (right now, I actually have 4 teens at one time!). This sounds like more than the "norm," of kids acting like teens, but it is hard to tell which are your issues and which are your son's.

While I don't love the teen years as much as Suz T, I definitely don't hate them. This is where kids turn into adults and are feeling their way through all the pitfalls involved. There are a million teaching opportunities during this time, some to be taught by you, some by peers, and some by natural consequence.

Your anger and inability to separate your personal feeling/hurt from this says that perhaps you do need therapy - or a different therapist. Or a good book on how to separate your personal feelings from this.

While raising kids isn't always the biggest picnic on the planet, "regular" teens aren't the monsters the world makes them out to be . . . Maybe take a step back and see if you aren't making more out of this than you should be.

Oh, my personal pet peeve is when people say "my kid has so good." Really? Because you had to walk uphill both ways to school barefoot? Compared to what? The starving children in Africa, the neighbors, who? Few teenagers are thinking globally at this point, let along on a smaller scale. What are they supposed to compare anything to other than what they have come to expect?

While some teen angst is normal, he sounds ungrateful. Citing what you say he said to you "you're not a cool mom, I
don't want to be around you.....can I have money to buy shoes?". Really? Nope. That's so rude. I'm sorry mom.
If my son or daughter told me that, I'd say "you treat me unkindly and tell me that I'm not a cool mom & don't
want to be around me? And now you want money for shoes? Heck no, remember I'm not cool and you don't want me around? If you don't want me around, and can't treat me with respect you obviously don't want my money and guess what....you don't get the money! I'll tell you how this is going to go, you
start treating me with respect from now on and I mean always and we'll see. But until then, you can kiss away any extra special stuff and here's why.....I'm your mother and you do not get to treat me like that. Period. End of story." That is what I would
say. Hang in there. One thing I will add is that most teens grapple with normal teen angst & do not appreciate all
their parents do for them. While taking that into consideration, teach the how to treat you and remember they are
going through normal growing pains, trying to assert their independence etc. With the right guidance and rules we
teach them, they will grow into contributing citizens.

Wow N.....I'm divided in my response to this. I perused the responses below and am generally in agreement. I would add though, for me, disrespect is not tolerated. My DS, 14, can feel any and all of his feelings to whatever degree he needs to but we draw the line with disrespectful behavior. At the risk of oversimplifying, if there is any hint of disrespect the conversation immediately switches from his topic at hand and any potential consequences for the head bobbing and/or eye rolling and/or disrespectful tone of voice. It starts like this "we'll get back to your topic the moment you check the attitude and treat me with the same respect with which I'm treating you." the end.

the most recent situation was over this weekend. he wants to build a computer like a real desktop from parts. I think this is a great idea and an project he'll learn a lot from. My problem? with my recently deceased father in laws final belongings cluttering up my basement to the point where I want to call Hoarders and report myself, we simply don't have a suitable work space for it until DH and BIL go through and clear out that stuff in April....don't get me started.

anyway, DS did not like this factoring into his plans and copped a huge attitude with me. this was not tolerated and he was redirected until we could discuss it in a civil and productive tone. we now have a plan of action and everyone is getting what they need and mostly what they want.

Have you ladies divined by now that I'm raising a giant nerd? One last, I know mine's 14 and I'm at the beginning of this curve but I'm confident these teachable moments will work out to his benefit. after all, he can't talk to his teachers or his bosses like that. Teenagers get angry and anxious...don't be his friend and take this personally. be his mom and help to guide him through this, knowing he is loved unconditionally. :-) S.

It could be so many things. They have raging hormones. They have social issues at school where they will be ostracized if they snap back at someone, so they do it at home where it's "safe". They're starting to separate more from parents in preparation for leaving the nest. Sometimes that actually terrifies them. They do get to a stage where they think they know everything, and they aren't interested in safety or cautionary comments from parents. Remember that their bodies are pretty mature but their brains done reach maturity until age 25 or so. They have no concept of how hard it is to work and pay bills and provide the opportunities and so on. Sometimes you get some dream kids (like Suz mentions) but the moody/angry thing is probably more common. It just sounds like you have a tougher case.

There may also be unique issues in your son's case - maybe he has stepfather issues, father issues. Maybe he thinks that his therapist mom is analyzing him vs. talking to him like a parent? Doesn't mean you are, just means maybe he misunderstands. Maybe he's got social problems at school. Maybe he's abusing chemical substances in some way - and you should open your eyes to that possibility - grades and sports aren't proof that he isn't. Maybe he's been abused or bullied by someone - a peer, a teacher, a coach?

It's interesting to me that you are a therapist yet use the term "wasting thousands on therapy." Can you say more about that? Why was it a waste? Because it wasn't a good therapist? Because it didn't work? Maybe the problem wasn't discovered, maybe your son didn't cooperate, maybe he (or you) think that you should be able to handle everything just because you are a therapist yourself? That really concerns me that perhaps you haven't been able to find the right match for a therapist for both of you together, perhaps with his father or stepfather as well.

There's a book called "Get out of my life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" or something like that. It might be helpful to give you support through the love/hate from the typical tween/teen.

I don't think you need to buy shoes for someone who is disrespectful if it's just a luxury purchase, not a true need. I think engaging without the anger he is showing is a wise choice - don't snap back at him, but do as Rosebud suggests below, saying you're not rewarding the disrespect. Small, immediate, measurable consequences are much better than long term, without-end punishments that just push a kid away and feed into his "Nobody likes me" misery. Letting a kid this age have some sort of larger allowance (out of which he can buy his own clothes, pay for his pizza/movies, and generally learn to budget) isn't a bad idea. When they run out of money 2 weeks into the month, they start to appreciate how much things cost and what all you are paying for.

My guess is, when he turns 16 or 16.5 and wants a learner's permit and driver's ed, you'll be able to say "I'm not comfortable giving the keys to a $25,000 car to someone who's a hothead or who will disrespect traffic laws and the police."

I'd also say that you need to check for other causes of deeper concern - you should monitor his internet use, check his browser history, look at his cell phone, and educate yourself to the types of apps kids use to hide their true actions from parents. There are kids with serious psychiatric issues who engage in all kinds of harmful behavior (to themselves or others), and parents who didn't consider that often have devastating regret.

But otherwise I think deescalating is a good thing - but you say this is hell but not specifically how bad it is. As always, be willing to seek better outside help. If this were an illness and the first doctor didn't fix it, you'd find someone else. Getting support for yourself as well as your kid is a worthwhile effort, and not a "waste" of money.

This is typical teen behavior. They say if your teen doesn't like you, you are probably doing a good job. So, take heart. I would, however, sit him down and tell him he is entitled to his feelings so if he's angry at you or just doesn't really like you right now, that's okay. BUT he has to keep it to himself or just discuss it with friends. Disrespect towards you or his SF is NEVER okay. And then start punishing that behavior - consistently EVERY time. I would also let him know that until his behavior towards you and SF improve, you will not be paying for any more sports or other extra curriculars. What you are teaching him now is that he can treat you any way he wants and you will still go above and beyond to make him happy. I'm not sure that's what you're trying to convey to him, but that's the message he's getting.

So, to answer your question "why?" Because he can (you allow it).