Why Would Classmate's Parents Refuse to Provide Contact Info?

- Restraining order compliance.

As in: when there's shared custody, but there's still a restraining order in place keeping one spouse's contact info secret from the other (stalking, harassment, danger of violence from backtracking, eye.). It is IMPOSSIBLE to get schools to do this (blind copy)... Because even if the teachers do... There's no way to get each and every parent to.

- Foster Parents ... Restraining orders complaience, too many children to be 'involved' with all the extra stuff, medically fragile, etc.

- Parents are homeless

- Parents are ESL

- Parents are famous

...lots of reasons.

There are a LOT of people that do not like to get involved, this will not be the last one you come across. Some people need the privacy. It doesnt mean she's hiding anything.... who knows, maybe her husband is a double agent or they belong to the witness protection program.
Kinda sad that we can't just let it be without wondering, guessing and assuming there is something strange or dangerous about it huh?
It's actually quite normal not to want to give out any information to complete strangers.

They may not wish to provide contact info because there might be an order against one parent/former spouse and their contact info is private. They may not want to be informed of holiday or birthday parties because they are Jehovah's witnesses and their child will not participate in these events. They may be busy working parents with two older kids who don't have time to bake for school parties, attend events at school or do playdates. Doesn't mean they're wierd or that they can't be bothered. I do understand that when you're running the older kids around to soccer practice, basketball games and piano lessons after work and on weekends, that you don't do tiny tot playdates or birthday parties.

I don't think it's that weird.

I realize your son's class is small, but if you knew how many things people have tried to rope me into over the years, you would faint.
Some room moms have had what I can only describe as delusions of grandeur over what should be the simplest things. I volunteered in my kids classrooms so I already knew what events and parties were planned.

That said, my son had a really good little friend named Emily. They adored each other. They were a bit older, but the little girl wasn't allowed to have friends over or give out her phone number. It wasn't "okay" with her mom.
My son invited her to his birthday party and her dad brought her. I'd never seen the mother at Open House, Back to School Night, plays or holiday performances.

It was a couple of years before the father confided in me that mom was suffering from MS and basically needed constant care. She was able to be in a wheelchair for brief periods of time, but talking on the phone or getting out was really hard on her. She was basically home and bed-bound.

I felt terrible for her and I felt even worse for all the times I wondered why she was never to be seen and why kids were never allowed at her house. Emily never once said anything about how sick her mother was until after her dad told me.
It certainly taught me never to jump to any conclusions about other parents.

You just never know what people might be going through.

For whatever reason, these people don't want to be contacted.

Let it go.

Some people are very private. Perhaps there was a bad situation they had to deal with and they keep their info private. Crazy ex husband thing, whatever. It's their perogative.

I think it was wrong of the class mom to be gossiping about this. It's no one's business. If the class mom is telling other moms about this, now this mom is going to have to deal with people thinking she's weird.

At my sons daycare, if you wanted to connect with another child's parents, you gave your contact info to the daycare to pass on.

It's possible she has an arrangement with management to be kept informed.

ADD: Re. the SWH - yes, it was gossip, (definition: casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true) because she specifically mentioned a mother, instead of replying "10" or however many. She singled out a person and talked about an issue that was NO ONE ELSE'S business.

I... am like that.
I, ONLY give my personal contact info, to the Teacher and school.
I will give it to the Room Mom, if I know her.
Or when giving it to the Room Mom, I clearly say, that my info is NOT to be given out. Because, I have had my personal info given out, by Room Moms and whatnot. Without my being asked, first.
So I am just very private with my info.
And because mainly... many people when sending out an e-mail to parents, do not "BCC" it, they just openly have ALL the parent's e-mail addresses visible on the mass e-mail sent out and there is no privacy.

Also, per your post, it was ANOTHER Mom, in your son's class, that told you about the other Mom that refused to provide her contact info. So there is now "gossip" about that Mom who did not share her private info. And that just proves, that some Room Moms and classroom Moms, are NOT... confidential nor private with the info they are responsible for. And they tell... anyone. And that is very disrespectful.

But sure, I do participate in the classrooms activities. I volunteer at my kids' school and work there too.

But also, there are some people/cultures etc., that per their beliefs, they do not participate in certain classroom things... but they DO tell the Teacher, privately. Not everyone has to know their own personal business or beliefs. It is private.

I read your "so what happened" but it doesn't help erase the clear impression that the room mom should not have mentioned this to you.

Your question to her was how many had replied to her e-mail. If the answer was four out of the five, she could have just said "Four" and gone no further. Adding that the boy's mom (as you put it) "will never be participating" was giving out too much information and frankly sounds judgmental; let's be honest, the subtext of that statement is "Well, aren't they strange not to participate!"

This class is extremely small for preschool, so every single family will know exactly which family is not giving out this information. Yikes. I feel for that family.

For all you and the other parents know, there could be many reasons they want information kept very close, such as restraining orders, crazy exes who might try to get at the kids at the preschool, etc. I would add: One of the parents might have had issues with identity theft, which leaves you extremely wary of any data about you being anywhere it could end up in the wrong hands (and all it takes in this case would be one of the other four families getting hacked and this one family's e-mail being compromised--because in a group this tiny you are eventually going to all share e-mails).

The issue could even be as simple as an intense need for privacy (and decision not to be part of any social/room mom events) because someone in the family has a serious medical condition and the family cannot cope with anything other than the child going to preschool and coming home.

I hope the other four families will be generous and assume that whatever the reason, this family might have its own private issues that require sympathy, not commentary.

Well, believe it or not some people send their kids to preschool for a few hours of outside-the-home play, learning and socialization, but they are not necessarily interested in hanging out and getting to know the other parents.
It doesn't make them bad people, it just means they are probably busy with their own friends and family during their "off" time.
Kind of old fashioned I guess, but I get it, especially with all the expectations young parents seem to face nowadays (4 year old birthday parties for thirty? at an expensive play place? oh, HELL no!)
Plus some people just like their privacy.

No one in my child's preschool has asked for my contact information except the school itself. There is no "class mom". If I was asked to provide my info to all the parents I would probably be uncomfortable. I don't know these people. Why should they have my info? If there are some particular parents I want to get together with then it's very simple to exchange info. As for class events, the school contacts me about all those. Why do I need to go through a "class mom"? ETA: It is gossiping because, as someone else mentioned, she could have just told you how many responses she received. Instead she told you the name of the person who didn't want to share their info. Then in your SWH you mention they didn't go to back to school night. Now you're singling these people out and judging them! Did you ever think they may work nights, or have an infant at home to take care of, or any number of reasons why they didn't come to back to school night? I see why they didn't share their info. What a judgemental group of people. Please think about the way you and this "class mom" are treating these people. I'm sure you're better than that. ETA 2: Now you're singling me out, lol! If I seem like I'm being harsh it's because I don't like people being the subject of gossip and speculation. It never leads to anything good for anyone. The answer to your question is: It's none of your business. My question to you is: Why do you care what they do or don't do? As for you not liking my comments, don't post on a public forum if you're not willing to take constructive criticism. I'm sure you're a nice lady, I just think you need to butt out of other people's business. That's all.

Because the class mom is a gossip and the other mom knows it.

When my son was in preschool i did not give any contact info. Why? Because I was terrified that his biological dad would try and find him. Maybe I was crazy, but I wanted to make sure that he was safe.
In fact, he is now in 4th grade and I have NAMED his bio dad on all his papers and told the school that they must call the police if he tries to pick up my son.
He has never called or wanted anything to do with us, but I am always worried.
I don' t know why they wouldn't want to be involved in the school though....
Maybe there is a language barrier. Maybe this is their last kid and they are tired. Maybe they don't really care to do play dates and whatnot.
L.

We have some parents who are in high levels of government, try high profile cases and another who values their privacy from ahem journalists. There is a family in my daughter's school whose children are taken to school by their body guard - big, burly, teddy bear dude. I've learned not to question. Who knows? Maybe they're in witness protection.

I didn't provide any of my info to my sons class mom. That said I speak to the teacher everyday and she knows if something is going on in the class she can ask me. I don't feel anyone in the class but his teacher needs my info.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Oh yes there was.

Because they want their privacy. They don't need to give their information out to obtain events that could be sent home with their child.

I can think of several possible reasons. 1) they don't trust media including the phone; 2) they don't have a phone or a computer; 3) creditors are after them; 4) someone in their home is ill and they don't want to be disturbed/involved 5) they're ashamed of their home and themselves; 6) they're very shy; 7) They believe school should be only academic and therefore don't want to be involved in anything social; 8) they're extremely shy; 9) all of above or none of the above.

After your SWH: If the room mom told you the name of the mom or the name of the kid that is gossiping. It's really no one's business if one of the moms didn't give contact info. I wouldn't say it's big offense but it is gossiping.

Later yet: I do not see any of your posts judging you. They judge the mom who told you these things.

Considering they don't want to be contacted, it's very RUDE of the other mother to tell someone else who she is. People have many reasons, to desire privacy. One being, that they don't want to be found by a former spouse or partner. It doesn't really matter why, does it? It's their choice to make. Frankly, you and the other mom(s) should NOT be talking at all (whether it's gossip, or not) about this. Her privacy was breached just in that conversation. That's quite rude.

Why do you need parents contact info? Doesn't the teacher/school have any and all pertinant information? I've got 3 children and have never provided my information to anyone outside of school staff, albeit there were requests from the PTA for our info for a school phone book/directory...I don't want my info out there. If I want you to have my phone #, I'd give it to you, otherwise, I don't want you to have my number.

My question to you is why do parents have to be contacted? Can't you send papers home with a child like every other school does?

I can think of a few reasons.

The first thing that comes to mind is there may be safety or family issues, such as domestic violence.

They may just be very private people.

They could have had a bad experience in the past.

I had a teacher ask me for contact information so "we" can communication with you, 90% of the e-mails are asking to volunteer, donations, or fund raising.

Maybe they got burned before? If they've made it clear that they don't wish to be contacted or do anything extra, then don't bother them. If your child really really wants to play with their child after school, hand them YOUR info and say, "Johnny would like to play with Timmy. Here's our information if that sounds like a good idea to you."

I've seen this happen on occasion.
Some people have different ideas about privacy.
Except for having kids together in class at school, you and they are total strangers.
Some years I've provided contact information and occasionally I've regretted it.
Sometimes class moms don't know how to inform without being pushy.
Sometimes they come from a different culture and speaking English over the phone doesn't come easy.
Sometimes their social circle is already full.

some people are just very private.

I don't necessarily think of that as gossip or if it is then too bad, talking things over with people is a big way of how i process info.

so i'm processing this, and first i would wonder if they were not from this country and had diff ideas about society. I would wonder if they had some disability that made it too hard for them to get out and do stuff. If they work and weren't willing to take time off of work or felt that by workign they didn't have anything in common and no playdates were needed. I would wonder if the child was special needs and that was the reason. or as others have mentioned I would wonder if they had had stalkers or ex spouses or witness protection issues.

Some children are not allowed to associate with children outside of their own religious group, except for in school, so they do not give contact information. Sometimes if there is a a nasty divorce and custody issues parents may like to stay under the radar. Witness protection program maybe? The parents may just be really anti-social.

I have a friend whose contact info isn't listed on the class roster (her daughter is in the same class as my youngest). In her case, it's because her ex is a complete nutjob, and putting her contact info out there for everyone would mean that he would get to see it, too (currently they talk only through their lawyers - no joke). So, that's one reason!

They don't wish to be "bothered," as they see it. I dealt with it from time to time over the years when I was a room mom and PTA president. If they're doing it now with their son in preschool they'll pretty much do it throughout his school years.

And out of respect for them the class mom should not have gossiped about it. It's their business, period.

I know what gossip is. Gossip is talking about someone when they're not present in the conversation, as the class mom was when she brought it to your attention...and so on. If it was necessary to inform you and others they were not to be contacted she could have simply left it at that, no reason needed to be given. Look what happened when she did, now you want to know why they don't want contact...and asked us.

We have lives that do not include all the drama and stress that comes with socializing with other kids families. Truly, how many questions a day on here are about how this mom treated that mom at the PTA meeting or how this one didn't respond to an invitation and they're insulted.

I work 3 part time jobs, one of the kids is in 3rd grade and is on the show team at the gym and practices several hours per week, she also takes Hip Hop, Tap, and Ballet. She is at that stage where she could compete if she wanted to, so far we have only thought about it and have not made any plans to do so.

The other child is not old enough to do as much, he only takes tap and gymnastics. Next year he will probably take tumbling and hip hop but those are by age or invitation so he has to be pretty calm and paying attention. He is doing really well on Depakote and Ritalin.

I also clean house for my FIL and iron for others to make some pocket money. I work at the gym/dance studio/clothing store for the owners to pay for the kids classes.

This year we have been out of state twice and travel to other towns in our state often. We haven't made but one or two parties all semester or been to any PTA meetings. We have participated in all fund raisers and went to all the parties that were scheduled. Last year we actually got with a parent to do a play date, it was so uncomfortable. They were interested in being on their phones and I was okay with that. This child and my granddaughter are closer this year. They both do the same gymnastics class.

Our grand kids have many friends outside of school, some are classmates, but we don't do anything extra during the class time hours. I am happy to NOT be involved in all the possible drama.

It is personal choice as to whether a parent wants to be on a list of contacts. I will say no if I am called to come do a class party, I have no time or money to buy extra items. I cannot pay for food for the entire class, we qualify for free lunches so I wish they couldn't even ask us.

I often don't get home until 8:30pm or 8:45pm on the evenings I work in the store. I am tired and just want to stay at home.

Some just don't want to socialize. I had someone in my son's class last year that refused. I asked her and she point blank told me that they don't like people and don't want to hang out or participate in anything other than their child going to school. Thats it. I said ok- I respect that, and I do.

To each his own. There could be many, many reasons for this. I hope everyone respects her wishes.

When I was a class mom, MANY years ago we had to provide contact info because class moms made emergency phone calls. If there was a school delay, school closing due to inclement weather, etc. I guess now they have automated service for that, so they must feel there is no other reason to provide information to another parent. Couldn't begin to speculate why, but I guess it's their right.

Well I can tell you that people have certain opinions about various kinds of groups. FRGs (as they're called in the Army, I believe they go by other names in other branches) have a bad reputation as nothing but gossip chains/mills, and (sadly) for a good chunk of them that reputation lines up well. So, it is VERY hard for someone who is trying to get a REAL FRG together to get participation. Maybe this mom has had a bad prior experience with something similar and has no desire to repeat.

What happens when you give the room mom the contact info is that your email address gets lumped together with a mass mail to all the parents, and then everyone in the room knows your email address. Evidently this mom doesn't want the other parents to know her email address (or other info.) Sometimes, "enterprising" parents add all the email addresses they come across onto a master list to send spam to for the sales businesses. That really ticks me off when that happens, I gotta say.

I never opted out of these myself, until my son was in high school and I was substitute teaching at the school. I didn't want parents calling me for any reason. If they didn't like what happened in the classroom (I went by the teacher's lesson plans - not my own) they needed to take it up with the teacher. By then, there were no room moms anyway.

Dawn

I didn't give my contact information to any other parents except the ones whose kids my child was actually friends with. If there was something going on in class that my help was needed with, they sent a note home with my child.

As for not wanting to participate, perhaps the family is Jehovah's Witness and doesn't celebrate holidays, so she doesn't want to be contacted about providing snacks or what not for class parties.

Maybe she's just a recluse and likes it that way.

Maybe they don't want to be contacted by anybody other than the people directly responsible for their children. They know that these people will only contact them about certain things and not peripheral things. They don't want personal relationships with the other parents. They don't want to be on any distribution list for anything not directly related to what their kids are doing. They don't even want to get caught up in any personal conversations. Maybe they got burned before. Maybe they don't have time for more. Maybe this is their vision for how they want their school relationships to operate. Maybe they are socially awkward. Maybe they believe in taking charge of their life and setting boundaries.

It's preschool. I would imagine that it shouldn't be such big deal to the other parents, just unexpected. Maybe this will change as their child ages and the school experience changes. Maybe not. I'm kinda curious about what kind of conversation you were having that would lend to this being told to you by another mother. Are you two friends? Was it gossip? (Be honest, now.) Did she mention it because you asked her for the info and that was her explanation? Too much information, in my opinion. Maybe the other parents were hoping to keep their involvement in this type of conversation to a minimum. In those same shoes, I might think that if not having my info could raise curiosity to the point of mentioning it, then all hell could break loose if you actually had access to me.

This is not a knock on you, but just think about it: Only the people present know the context of this conversation, but she told you, and now you're sharing it with us and trying to figure out why. I get wondering why; I'm the queen of it, which is why I'm not knocking you for it. However, did she happen to mention it to other people, as well? Are they also "wondering"? Are they flapping their gums at an anonymous website, or are they talking to live people who may even be familiar with the situaiton? Just like my answer here is probably longer than necessary, your attention to this non-issue is probably also unnecessary. Let them just be who they are. When they're ready to branch out, they'll gravitate to the ones who haven't made this an issue.

I haven't done this but I can think of about 5 times over the last 4 years I've received a Spam mail's been hacked sort of email from a parent in my child's classroom. didn't click on them or anything but still a pain.

Hmmm... Maybe bad situation with an ex or some other family member? They may not want to take any chances with someone from their past getting a hold of them. Maybe a messy foster/adoption situation? They may just be super careful with personal information - some people are. Something like that would be my guess over just being secretive or stand-offish. Who knows; maybe they're just secretive and stand-offish! Haha.

Nothing says she has to. Its her right not to take part in anything she does not want to. She gets papers home from school I am sure of so if she want to take part , she will.

Let it go. You guyrs are just in preschool and there will be a lot of other classes that have the same issue.

Not everyone wants to be public especially in this day and age.

The area you live in has become affluent and there are some people that are real nut jobs. I say this because I come from Somerville which is not that far away (times have changed since I left the area).

Just know that when things are needed they will be provided by the school or the other moms.

The other S.

Maybe they are foster parents or legal guardians? I worked in this field for 12 years and many of them don't want to be bothered. I've seen a lot of good foster parents and some not so good....

I worked with a lady that was robbed, and it turned out the kid that was robbing people got the names from school directory. She would never give out her information. Some people just live a very quiet life and don't want anyone to know their business.

Well, it seems over-the-top to me but I suppose there could be good reasons.

At one point my son went to a school with some extremely wealthy and/or prominent parents . . . I could imagine some of them not wanting to get solicited. Though I never noticed any of them strike their info.

I wonder what the Obamas do? I guess that's a moot point. Everyone knows the address of the White House. :P

well, there are many reasons: protection program--like, trying to keep a low profile, no nothing. There's a privacy things--maybe they just like their privacy. Some people are just strange that way. There are a number of reasons. No body knows what their life is about. It could be dangerous for them to have outside inneraction, or they just don't want to be bothered by anything. Who knows. If you really want to contact the child's parents, send by letter into the childs school bag for a play date, or whatever. That is always the option. What the worse can happen? They ignore the invite?

I'd say, either, she's got an ex-husband or some kind of ex who makes her fear for her safety, so she has to go into undercover-privacy mode, or she's had a situation like this in the past and it's made her very cautious. There are lots of good reasons for people to keep their contact information confidential.

There could be a cultural thing as well as it just being a personal preference. I am living in London right now and my kids attend a school with a very high expat population from all over the world. There are MANY families that do not want their contact info shared. People flat out say that they will get their info from the teacher or by talking to other parents before or after school. Also I have to tell you there are a few teachers who will no provide an email address. If you need to speak with her you set up a conference time or call the school and leave a message for her to call you back.

I used to find it frustrating, but now I appreciate the face to face communication I have with so many people here!