Some background first: Almost four year ago, my daughter was born with a congenital heart and lung defect. She spent the first 5 months of her life in the Cardiac ICU at Children's Medical Center. I didn't get to hold her for her first three months of life. When she came home she was still a very sick little girl and had nursing care around 12-16 hours a day. She had this nursing care for 2 1/2 years. During this time both she and my then 3-4 year old son were homebound and not allowed to leave the house unless it was for doctors appointments and there were alot of them. SHe has a pediatrician, a gastroenterologist, a pulmonologist, a cardiologist and a urologist. We've had a very stressful three years. I'm now 41 and my husband recently had a vasectomy. We both agreed he should do it but I always imagined I would have another child. I still can't believe I'll never have another child. I need help coming to terms with that. I think part of the problem was that with my second child alot of things were taken out of my hands and I didn't get that "baby" time in and therefore I feel like I missed out. If anyone has had the feeling that they couldn't get over the fact that they were not going to have another child. I would looooooooooooooove to hear from you on how you coped with it and worked it out. I am truly thankful for the my children and wouldn't trade them for anything especially with my daughter because they told us for the first 5 months that she probably wasn't going to make it. So the fact that she's made it this far is a miracle.
Thanks so much to all the mom's who responded to my predicament. I truly do adore my children and definitely take extra time to hug and kiss them as much as they will allow which right now it alot. So I appreciate the reinforcement of what I'm already doing. I hadn't thought about foster care and will definitely have to look into that to see what it takes to foster kids. We have such a loving home that I feel like other kids could probably benefit from it. So thanks again for all the perspectives.
WOW! All that speaks that you are an amazing Mom.I have one son,and would love to have another but for several reasons he will probably be my one and only. And I just feel lucky to have him!Best of luck and health to you all!
I'm having to come to grips with this right now. My daughter is 2.5 and I have been trying for 1.5 years to get pregnant. It turns out my fsh is elevated and we will most likely not be able to have another one. I so badly wanted her to have a sibling, but I'm not going to be able to provide that for her. I have a lot of emotions about this, but when I see her running around and knowing what it took to bring her into this world (she was my 7th pregnancy and I had to take heparin shots twice daily to maintain), I get settled. She truly is a miracle and my greatest gift.
Be happy with the two you have. Understand you have no control over this and the time not only you lost with your daughter's medical problems, but also the time your children lost. Make time to spend with just you and them together and individually. If you had another, you would not get that time as much. Smell them, kiss them, tell them you love them over and over, and hold them as much as they will let you. That is what gets me through.
My heart is with you... :)
I understand well what you are going through. After delivering my last child which was another boy making this the 4th boy total my delivering 3 and my son from my husband's first marriage that I was raising.... my OB Dr. told me in the delivery room that he feared I would go into a depression because I so wanted a girl. He assured me that I needed to have a tubal ligation done because the pregnancy had been so hard & the delivery was worse and was prepared to do this right then & there, I refused. In my heart of hearts I knew what I had gone through to carry my last son to full term was bad. I also trusted my Dr. well enough to know that he was right but I could not bring myself to make that decision then. I wanted to bring my baby home and not have to think about never having the ability to try again for a little girl. A little girl that I could have for a lifetime and of course we would be close. It hit me all at once how lucky I was to even have this baby boy and that's when everything started to change. I had the procedure done when my last son was 6months old when my body, mind, spirit and soul could handle it. It was not anybodys fault that my body could not endure another pregnancy and I never did go into the pity party routine over not having a girl.
My theory was to be able to raise my sons to the best of my ability. If I lived long enough I wanted to be able to embrace their wives unconditionally and prayed for the wisdom never to question why not but be ever so grateful for what was.
I don't have any experience to share, but I just wanted to give you a hug!
My husband also had one and I still feel like I would like to have another at times. I already have 4 though.
What we did in VA while I was still in the "I really want a baby" frame of mind was foster care. We did emergency foster care for 3 years and we only took babies and kids under three. We knew in our hearts that we were helping in a small way these babies and it helped. It helps them and it helped us.
Now our own babies are older, my youngest is 9, and we have a foreign exchange student. It has been a wonderful experience to have such a beautiful older sister for the kids.
I also had friends around me with small babies after he had his vasectomy, I did a lot of babysitting.
Every time your kids pass a milestone it will hit you, that this is the last one. One of my worst days was the first day of kindergarten for my youngest. We are still getting through it and you will too.
I can't imagine what you've been through, but I do know the feeling of not really being ready to accept that I won't have another baby. It may be the right decision for many reasons, but it can be hard to accept it. Just know that many of us have the same feeling. And of course you're grateful for your kids, but it's ok to admit that you got robbed of that baby time. I just hope there's some good karma coming your way --- maybe your daughter's rough start in life will make her more attached to you in the later years when so many parents and kids have conflict. You deserve that!
Wow! I had many of those same feelings. My youngest daughter was very ill for her first 2 years of life, although nowhere near what you went through. She also had a host of doctors and appts (55 her first year) but never had extended hospital stays or the isolation you went through. When she was finally "better"...that was a tough transition for me, as I had been in that mode for so long. My husband really wanted another baby and I wasn't sure. I was so drained by what we had been through. He was already in his 40's and I turned 40 a few months ago. We have 4 kids and now the youngest is 5. I finally came to terms about a year ago that I was done. It was hard but I felt like I owed so much to my other 3 for all of the time they were robbed by her illness and I also (in my situtation) didn't think it would be fair to another baby. We are very busy with sports and such. I don't know if this helps but once I came to terms with it, I was able to really devote myself to enjoying my time with them. I also felt robbed of a normal babyhood, etc. Good luck - you have been through so much - give yourself and your sweet babies a hug!
Have you considered adoption? If it's something you and your husband agree to, it might be an option for you. Sounds like you have a lot of things to discuss. I am not yet in this position, so I am not speaking from experience, but wanted to throw that out as an option to consider.
Good luck,
T.
www.ReadandGrow.com
I am sorry that you have had such a difficult situation. I want to give you another perspective. As a woman fighting infertility and will never have a child of my own, instead of thinking about what you missed, concentrate on what you have. You have a healthy son and a miracle little girl. If you need a baby fix, spend some time working in the church nursery or a hospital that needs volunteers to hold babies. Offer to baby sit someone's newbornish child for an evening is another idea.
I do these things as my hubby and I decide what to do.
Take Care and God Bless!
Hi. My reasons were a little different but the actuality of not having another child was just as devastating. I had my wonderful boy when I was 36. My plan was to have another 2 years later. When my hubs and I really started to say the time was right for number 2, I had a heart attack, due to a blood clot disorder I didn't know I had. So that was a year as you could imagine. I am on meds for the rest of my life that if I became pregnant I'd be high risk and my meds cause birth defects. Which I could switch to other meds during pregnancy and hope that I wouldn't hemmorage or have another heart attack during delivery. With all that info I was still willing to go through with it. My husband was not. He said that if it was our first child perhaps he would consider it, but if I would die during birth I'd be leaving my son and new baby without a mother. Reality check for me. I was so determined not to have an only child I was blind to the trauma I could have cause my whole family. I still feel guilty everyday that my boy is an only child. He asks for a brother pretty much everyday. He knows mom can't have any more kids, but not why, and just figures maybe I need to marry another daddy to have more kids. From the mouth of babes :) It is hard and it will be hard to get past the feeling of not having another child but we all have to embrace what we have and move on.
we have two kids our son is almost 7 and our daughter just turned 3 I made my husband get on right after my daughter was born just because I knew my body couldn't handle another pregnancy. I don't really get sad about not having another baby until there birthdays hit then it hits me hard and I'm sad for a couple of days but it is getting easier just knowing that god gave me two beautiful kids to take care of. Don't dwell on that fact that there is going to be no more babies just make the best of what you have and make it GREAT! Hope this helps good luck!
