10 Year Old Daughter Is Acting up at School

Hey M.,
My name is Alex and I have 2 stepchildren who I care for full time. Their mother decided one day that she no longer wanted to be a mom and just abandoned these poor children. The first year was a nightmare! My stepdaughter was 12 at the time and "acting out" is putting it lightly! There is this great book that you might want to read; it's called "The Courage to be a Stepmother" by Sue Patton Thoele who happens to be a stepmother of 25 years and is also a therapist. In her book she explains that it may take YEARS to become a "happy family". So even though you have already been together for some time your stepdaughter may still not accept the fact that you are her new mom. Which sounds like it probably is the case since she is lying to people and telling them how horrible things are at home, etc. I truly sympathize with you because we went through that. Anyhow, you are exactly right that you need to confront this problem now before she gets older because it will only get worse. Are you allowed to discipline her or do you have your husband handle that? I think that is very important and it worked well for us when my stepkids saw that I could and would take care of a situation immediately. I make sure that I am consistent and make it clear what I expect of them. Don't let things slide! They will test you constantly and you have to handle things right away and be clear about what they did wrong. Well hope some of that helped, and feel free to contact me anytime for more tips, help, to vent, etc. Take care and good luck!!

Sounds to me like she's already a bit out of control. I suggest counseling.

As a teacher myself I can see how she is already not enjoying school. Ask the teacher if she notices how she interacts with her classmates outside of class. Maybe at recess or in gym, someplace outside of the classroom. I would also schedule a parent teacher conference with all of you there including E. This might get her to see how serious it can be if she does not control her behavior in the class. The next step would be ISS if her behavior continues. I am sure E is going through a lot, but why is it just hitting home now?? I would also get some professional help with a child therapist outside of the school system. I hope this works.

I agree with the other respondants, in that you should seek counseling. However, sometimes the greatest solutions are right before our eyes. Here is a little idea that might at least get her to talk to you before taking her to a stranger: Take one hour a night (not during her "tv time" unless that is all she does...)and ask her if she would like to make home-made cookies with you (hey, homemade to me comes from the refrigerator section of my grocer and into the oven!). While SHE does the cookies, ask her how did school go today,who she likes the most in her class, who she likes the least, and why. Mom, no matter what she says, restrain the urge to correct what she is expressing to you. This is not about discipline or correction here, it's about building trust and opening the line of communication. Then compliment her with at least 3 statements about 1)how she followed the instructions so well, 2)how good the cookies taste 3)and how grateful and fun it was to Hear Her talk to you. She will feel as if what she had to say and what she did was significant, and will be willing to do it again (specially if she wasn't given your unsolicited opinion about what she had to say). Please...don't let perfectionism, the phone, or even the other baby to get in the way of this time. Share with your husband this plan and ask him to care for the baby in a separate room where you can have a private girly-girly time. Will be praying for you. Be encouraged. <')))><