11 Year Old and Older Friends - How Much Freedom ?

Good Morning!
In my experience (I have three children 21,15 and 8...my 21 year old was very difficult starting at about 12 and believe me it hasn't ended yet!) taking charge and setting rules when they are 11 and 12 is a necessity. How a parent chooses to guide and discipline at this age is crucial because it sets the tone for the rest of the teenage years. Someone said to me once when it comes to teenage girls it is important to give them their age "wings" when it its appropriate. 11 is to young to have the kind of freedom's you are talking about. Especially if the red flags you are speaking about are there. I'm sure it is hard for your friend because she trusts her daughter but it really is about trusting the choices she makes when her Mom isn't around and whether or not she can handle the peer pressure that comes along with being younger and hanging around with older kids. You cannot ever take back the things your children are exposed to at this age and believe me it can mold who they become as decision makers in their teens. With my first daughter I always gave in to her need to be with older kids and thought as long as I was open with her and opened my home to her and her friends that I would maintain control and know what was going on. This was not the case and things got out of control fast. I learned my lesson and I have a wonderfully healthy relationship with my 15 year old daughter who has 10 times the rules of her older sister, one of which is only hanging out with kids her age outside of school. I limit her texting, which doesn't even upset her, she isn't allowed to have her phone out unless she is leaving the house and she does not have a myspace account or a im account. She goes on bike rides with her friends and swimming and to the movies. She spends her summer's at camp and will be a counselor next year. You know what...she has a million friends her own age at school who's parent's have the same rules that I have, so she doesn't know any different. When my older daughter was in school all her friends had parents like me who gave that freedom and told themselves because we were very involved parents we were in control. I guess the moral of this story is birds of a feather flock together. Depending on what rules you choose to put into place and what kids your child hangs out with will ultimatley determine the kind of parents you are dealing with as far as your kids go. I'm not saying this as a bad thing just a fact that I myself have witnessed. Perhaps you friend could suggest to her daughter that she have some of her 11 year old friends over. Then make a girls day of it where they watch movies and do their nails etc. I will tell you one thing... raising teenagers is like a rollercoaster with many ups and downs. Sometimes you are strapped in so tightly it can be hard to get off the ride!!
Take Care!
Your friend is very lucky to have you in her support system!!
Warmly,
H.

my boys are 12, 8 and 4 and the baby is 6 months. my 12 yr old is starting to want to hang out but he knows its not allowed. hanging out unsupervised leads to trouble most times. they get bored and start doing things they shouldnt. my 12 yr old gets real mad but he knows what he is allowed to do and not do. he is allowed to walk to the store which is a 10 minutes walk but i give him about 45 minutes to come back or i will hunt him down. he is not allowed in anyones house. and i do not let him go to the movies by himself. if that girls mom feels her daughter is too young then she should stick with that and keep lots of tabs on her. she is young there is plenty of time in life for her to explore the world, when she is much older.

Geez, this is funny, I am speaking from personal experience (SO many years ago!).
She obviously is loving the acceptance and looking up to these older girls who are willing to be friends with her. This can be good -she must be pretty smart for them to want to hang with her- but could be detrimental since her mind is like a sponge to their teenage-doings.
What activities the girls are involved in? Going to the mall? Looking cute for boys? Typical... Yet, aren't there better, more wholesome things for our girls to be involved with?
That's what bothered me then... and now. I was a "tomboy" (though despised that term) and loved the outdoors. I couldn't understand the mall-going/boy-worshipping attitude. Plenty of my friends were like that so I can at least relate.
Any kid that age doesn't want to be supervised... So no surprise they'd avoid being at the presumably boring and more supervised 11 y/o house. I'd suspect that the younger gal is like a tag-along buddy and the older gals appreciate her admiration- and have no problem imparting their older-girl/"superior" knowledge (which makes me suspect them as being up to no good).
The real trick here is knowing what they're up to.
And... Most importantly, the moms knowing the other girls' parents/moms. I think that if I had a daughter in the same situation, I'd want to intervene if I didn't have an opinion or know anything about the parents of the kids.
As a kid, I was lucky to have older friends with whom I am still great friends with now. We still got away with a lot of "naughty" stuff. Was there any harm in that? Nahhhh~

Hi L.,

How lucky your friend is to have a friend like you. I can appreciate your friend's concerns.

I am the mother of four. My oldest daughter is 29 and I can tell you she really gave me a run for my money! I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I can assure you my daughter knows I made the choices I did out of love and she admits today she wishes she had listened more often.

My son, who is 22 was a walk in the park, no issues at all! Seriously. My two youngest are girls ages 7 and 9 and I sort of panicked reliving the experiences of my first; assuming it was the female thing that was most difficult during puberty.

Since that time, though, I have spoken to many parents who have had the opposite experience and found their sons acted out more. This leaves me to believe each child is an individual and it is hard to predict how they will behave.

I think you have to go with your gut. If your friend thinks her daughter is ready for small freedoms than go with it. If the older girls make your friend uncomfortable tell her to be honest with her daughter and explain that while she does trust her she thinks 13 year olds are more grown up and she does not yet feel comfortable with this level of freedom.

Bottom line is, she is the parent and the final decision is hers. Allowing her daughter to voice her opinions freely about why she wants to be with these girls, being empathetic about her feelings and letting her be involved in making plans that your friend feels more comfortable with will hopefully show your friends daughter that your friend is trying to compromise with her.

I recommend that you have your friend read the book Reviving Ophelia--Saving The Selves Of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher, Phd. It discusses the issues of the sexualization of our young girls in today's society and how their selves can be lost at puberty to the pressures of living up to a sexual ideal which is unhealthy for them socially, physically, psychologically and emotionally.

Again, your friend is so lucky to have you to support her as she mother's her children. God Bless You All.

J. L.